The Mizard Of Odd
by MishaMuse
Summary: Miz stumbles onto the biggest secret in the WWE. Now he's on a quest with six other "crazy" superstars to find the one man who can clear his name and help him save his job - too bad he has no idea who that is.
1. Miz Stumbles Onto Something

A/N: Okay, something new! I'm writing this as part of JulNoWriMo (A NaNoWriMo-type contest that runs in July), and I'm hoping to have it finished before the month's over. I don't own any of the wrestlers. Hopefully, none of them would be offended by their portrayal here. It's all in good fun and meant to be silly and light-hearted. Enjoy! :D

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 1: Miz Stumbles Onto Something

"Hey, Miz! Wait up!" The Miz rolled his eyes and walked faster, hoping that he could shake the other superstar somewhere in the halls. "Miz!" It seemed luck was not with him, however, as Kofi Kingston trotted to catch up with him, grabbing Miz's arm and half spinning him around. "Didn't you hear me, man?"

"Huh? Oh, hi, Kofi," Miz said, playing innocent. "I'm sorry, did you need something?"

Kofi smiled. "Yeah, actually. Morrison mentioned that you guys were having a poker game tomorrow night, and I want in."

Miz thought about a whole night with Kofi at the table and wanted to groan. "Do you know how to play poker?"

"Sure, doesn't everyone? I watch a lot of it on TV."

"I don't know. We have enough players already. One more person is going to make the tables odd."

Kofi shrugged. "I can be an alternate, you know, in case someone can't come?"

Miz sighed. "All right. Maybe we can…"

"Yes!" Kofi said, dancing around. "I'll see you there!" Miz started to turn away, but Kofi said, "Wait. Uh. Creative wanted to see you about something."

"What?"

Kofi shrugged. "No idea."

"Great," Miz grumbled. "Probably another stupid angle that has me feuding with Morrison or something. Thanks." With a wave, he walked away, leaving Kofi to his happy dance. "I hate this place," he muttered to himself twenty minutes later, when he realized he'd been wandering in a circle, looking for the office creative was set up in. He was glad to see a crewmember in one of the hallways. "Hey, do you know where creative is?"

"Are you with Cena's crew?" the guy asked.

Miz frowned. "Uh, no, I'm just…"

"Down that hall, and to the left," the guy said, dismissing him quickly and walking away.

Miz muttered, "Jerk," under his breath and turned down the hall the guy had pointed to. He could see that there were several offices down that way, none of which were marked. A door stood ajar about halfway down on the right, and voices drifted out. Miz sighed and followed the voices, intending to ask someone for better directions.

"Hey, Jim, check this out!" said one of the voices from the open door, followed by a burst of laughter. Miz couldn't help pausing there to see what was going on. He put an eye to the door and stared. At first, he couldn't make sense of what he was seeing. Cena was standing in the middle of the room with two guys half blocking the mega-superstar from view. One of them was fitting Cena's close shaven head with a stupid looking wig, while the other one seemed to be doing something to Cena's chest.

"Hey, knock it off with that Carlito wig," said a third man. "We've got to get Cena ready to wrestle tonight, and I don't have time for you two yokels to mess around."

"Sorry, boss," said the guy with the wig. He dropped it on the floor and waited til the boss had gone by before saying to his co-worker, "Man, I hate that guy. Being on Cena duty sucks. The least he could do is let us have a little fun, you know?"

"Come on, Alan. There's plenty of time for that later. I need your help calibrating the springs. He's due to lift up the Big Show tonight, and the last time we had him lifting Big Show, the tension was so tight, he nearly snapped an arm."

Alan stared at Cena's chest. Miz wondered what the hell they were doing, but since they were blocking his view (and the conversation was just so bizarre), he had just decided to walk away and let it be. As he made this decision, Jim said, "Done. Thank God," and he and Alan moved away from Cena, revealing a circuit board in the superstar's chest. Miz gasped, causing the two men to whirl around. "What the hell?" Jim asked.

"Sounded like someone was out there," Alan said.

Miz didn't waste any time. He started running back the way he'd come. To hell with whatever creative wanted, he had to get out of there. As he sprinted down the hallways, not really watching where he was going, Miz smacked headlong into HHH. "Whoa, buddy! What's the rush?" HHH asked, as he steadied Miz. "You okay? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"I… uh…" Miz tried to think of what to say, but his brain was still trying to process what he'd seen. "I think there's something wrong with Cena."

HHH frowned. "Cena?" he asked. "What do you mean?"

"I think he's a robot."

HHH rolled his eyes. "Well, okay, so the guy has a limited moveset, but the kids love him and he's great on the mic."

"No, Hunter, I mean, I think he's an actual robot. Like with gears and springs and stuff."

"Oh man," HHH said. "Have you mentioned this to anyone else?"

"No," Miz said, shaking his head.

"Good. Come on, let's go talk to Vince about it. I knew there was something off about that guy! Geez." He took Miz's arm and led him through the halls expertly. "But a robot? That's pretty low. How do they think they can get away with this crap? I tell you, creative will try anything once." He led Miz to a door marked, "Office" and knocked.

"Come in!" Vince's voice rang through the door. "Ah, Hunter. What can I do for you?"

"I've brought Miz," he said, bringing Miz forward. "He says that Cena is a robot."

Vince frowned. "Oh?" He looked to Miz. "Is that true?"

Miz stared at his boss. "I know it sounds weird, but I saw it with my own eyes."

Vince sighed. "Ah. All right. This is a problem. We're going to have to do something about it." He paused. "Hunter, will you leave us alone?"

"Sure," HHH said. He closed the door, leaving Vince and Miz alone.

"Sit down, Miz," Vince said. Miz sank into the chair, his body shaking. "Are you all right?"

"No, I'm not all right!" Miz said. "I just found out that one of the guys I work with is a freaking robot!"

"I can see how that would be troublesome," Vince agreed. "However, it's not as uncommon as you'd expect. The Cenabot 5000 is a good machine…"

"Wait," Miz said, looking up at his boss in disbelief. "You _knew_ about this?"

Vince leaned back in his chair. "Of course," he said. "I own the company. Do you really think they could have a robot here and I wouldn't know?" He chuckled and shook his head. "The question isn't whether or not I knew it; it's what we're going to do now that you know about it."

Miz bit his lip and stared at his boss. Vince was doing his kindly grandfather look, which usually spelled trouble. "I… Um."

Vince sighed regretfully as the door opened again. Miz jumped up and stared at HHH, who grabbed his arm. "I think he's not going to cooperate," HHH said. "He's never been much of a team player, has he?"

"No," Vince said as HHH shoved Miz back into the chair. "Sit still, Miz." He rummaged through the desk and came up with a packaged syringe and a bottle of something. "This won't hurt."

"I don't want to die!" Miz shrieked.

HHH chuckled, and the sound was sinister to Miz's ears. "Why do they always assume I want to kill them?" Vince asked. "Doesn't he know how hard that would be to explain? No, I think you need a little rest, that's all." He readied the syringe like a pro and approached the struggling superstar. Miz kicked and flailed and nearly managed to buck HHH off, but that all ended when he felt the needle slide into his flesh and the cold liquid inside met his bloodstream. "It won't be long now," Miz heard Vince say, before he slid down into the darkness.


	2. Miz Meets His Roommate

A/N: I don't own any of the wrestlers. And yes, it's all in good fun. No offense is intended to anyone who loves wrestling, writing or religion. (Or anything else. Heh.)

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 2: Miz Meets His Roommate

He couldn't open his eyes, no matter how hard he tried. Despite the voices that should have alarmed him, the bumping around in a vehicle that should have woken him, and the insane amount of noise that was now surrounding him, Miz felt as though his eyelids were glued shut. And though that should have bothered him, for some reason it didn't. He could hear the squeak of wheels, voices bombarding his ears, screaming… and he just didn't care. "Hey," he heard from far off. "Who's the new guy?"

Someone closer- just over his head, in fact- answered, "Don't know. His tag says his name is 'Miz', whatever that means." Laugher, then, and the squeaking wheel continued to roll on, drowning out the rest of the noise. That could get really annoying, Miz thought philosophically, if he were forced to listen to it for too long. If he could make himself care, that was. He tried to care, but found he couldn't muster up the emotion needed to do so. Eh, whatever.

"How much did they give this one?" the voice that had been over his head grumbled as Miz felt his body lifted and settled flat onto some surface or other. Maybe it was a table and they were going to eat him. Maybe then he would care? Oh, nope; still didn't care. Huh. Weird. "He's dead weight."

"Eh, wait til he wakes up," said a second voice with a laugh. "I bet he's not dead weight then. We'd better either lock him down or lock him in. He looks like one of them that might try to fight."

"Lock him down," said the first voice. "You can't lock the door, or his roommate will throw a fit."

"Good point." Something cold touched his wrist and Miz heard a jingling noise. "Sweet dreams, Spike." More laughter, and the sound of a door closing. Then, blissful silence. Miz sank back down into his sea of not caring and rested.

%

"Psst! Hey, psst!" Someone was poking him in the side. Miz groaned, his head pounding like he'd drank a whole bottle of Tequila. "Hey!" The poking continued. He tried to roll away from it, but came up short, his arm jerking to a halt as he hit the end of whatever was binding him.

"God, Morrison," he moaned, "you ass. What the hell is your problem? Quit that!" His mouth felt dryer than cotton.

The poking stopped. "Morrison?" a voice said. "I'm not Morrison! How dare you! And Hell _is_ my problem! Well, Hell and the fact that you're in my room."

That voice was definitely _not_ Morrison's, though it _was_ oddly familiar. Miz cracked open an eye to stare at the man with stringy hair. "What the hell is going on here?" Miz demanded- well, as much as one can demand in a croaky whisper.

"I've come to save your soul," said the other man, who appeared to be sitting in an industrial looking chair next to the bed. "Repent, and all will be well. You need not face the fiery pits, so long as you embrace straightedge."

Miz groaned. "If you'd put on some deodorant or maybe take a shower once in a while, maybe the pits wouldn't be fiery," he said. "Go away, Punk. I have no desire to go straightedge. And what are you doing in my room, anyway? Did Morrison let you in?"

"Ah, no," Punk said. "In fact, I'm not in your room at all. You're in my room."

Miz pulled the pillow over his head with his free hand. "Great. Way to play a joke on me, guys." He peeked out from under the pillow. "Uh, and what is up with this?" He tried to pull his other hand back from the edge of the bed, only to be stopped by a handcuff. "Look, Punk, I'm not into all that weird stuff, all right? So whoever has the keys needs to let me out right freaking now because otherwise, I'm going to have to kill someone."

"You may not want to say things like that too loudly," Punk advised.

"Why not?" Miz asked, pushing the pillow back so he could sit up and gaze blearily around the room. "Wow, these hotels get more industrial by the day, don't they? And what's with the railings on the bed, anyway?"

Punk sighed. "You're not in a hotel, Miz. This is a hospital."

Miz frowned. "A hospital? Oh my God, did I get hurt in a match?" He paused, trying to locate the pain. "I don't feel hurt."

"Not that kind of hospital," Punk said. "You've gone mad, unfortunately."

"I've done what?" Miz asked, blinking.

"Gone mad. You're crazy. You've lost your mind." Punk shook his head slowly. "And now you're here, with the rest of us."

"Us?" Miz stared at Punk. "Um, Punk? I don't feel crazy."

"They never do."

"Okay," Miz said, drawing the word out. "So I'm mad. And you're also mad?"

"Oh no," Punk said earnestly. "I'm quite sane."

"Um, then why are you here?"

Punk shrugged. "It's part of my penance. I'm mostly here to rescue the souls of the lost and bring them to straightedge."

"What… are you talking about?"

Punk smiled. "I'm Jesus."

"You're joking," Miz said.

"No," Punk said. "I'm completely serious. God loves straightedge so much that he sent me down to earth to rescue the souls of wrestling fans everywhere. So the sooner you repent and join the straightedge movement, the sooner you can ascend up to heaven with me when I go home."

Miz stared at Punk for a long moment, then sighed. "Right," he said, "you're completely sane and I'm crazy. That makes perfect sense. I'm having my soul rescued by C.M. Jesus."

"You can call me Punk," Punk said with a smile.

"There are lots of things I could call you," Miz agreed. "But Punk, do you think you could find someone who can get these handcuffs off me? I'd like to get up now."

"Oh, sure!" Punk said. "Where are my manners? Would you like anything to drink? Pepsi, maybe?"

"Just get whoever can let me up, please?"

Punk shrugged. "Fine. But don't think I'm giving up on your soul, Miz. When I come back, we can have a nice, long talk about straightedge and the state of your soul."

"Sounds like a great time," Miz muttered as Punk left. "I may have to chew through the handcuffs if that happens."


	3. Miz Gets Out Of Bed

A/N: I don't own any of the wrestlers. I do own Will, though. It's meant to be amusing and (hopefully) not offensive, but sometimes my sense of humor can be out there.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 3: Miz Gets Out Of Bed

Punk returned ten minutes later with a can of Pepsi and a man who vaguely resembled a refrigerator. "So you're finally awake, huh?" said the appliance-resembling man. His voice was familiar, but Miz knew he'd never seen this man before. "Good. I was starting to think you'd be a vegetable."

"No," Miz said, blinking slowly. "I'm just fine, thanks. Say, do you think you could let me up?"

"You're not going to try and run off, are you?" the man asked. "Because we're having Chicken Pot Pie for dinner tonight."

"Uh," Miz said. "I'm sorry. My brain is still a little fuzzy, but what's the connection between me running off and us having Chicken Pot Pie for dinner?"

The man shrugged. "None. I just don't like chasing you guys down." He pulled a key out of his pocket and held it up. "I'll unlock you, but you've got to promise you're not going to run, okay?"

Miz indicated Punk, who was sipping his Pepsi contentedly. "If he starts preaching at me again, no promises."

"Hey!" Punk said. "That's not cool, Miz. Not cool at all. Maybe you should leave him locked down, Will."

Will chuckled. "Nah, I can't blame him on that one, Punk. Not everyone wants to be straightedge, you know. Some of us like our beer a little too much. Sorry."

"Hmph," Punk said, crossing his arms and spilling some of the Pepsi. "Ack! The holy drink!" He quickly uncrossed his arms and stared down at the small amount of Pepsi on the floor mournfully.

"I'll get the mop when I'm done here," Will said, reaching down to unlock the handcuff first from the bedframe and then from Miz's wrist.

"Make sure you get the mop I blessed," Punk said to Will as Miz rubbed his wrist.

"Thanks," Miz said. "Er, he's blessed a mop?"

Will rolled his eyes. "What hasn't he blessed around here? It gets so no one can get their work done, what with Punk spilling Pepsi on stuff and blessing it. Drives the nurses up the wall when he blesses the paperwork." Will lowered his voice. "Between you and me, I think he's just clumsy and spills a lot."

"I can hear you, you know," Punk said. "I have supersonic Jesus hearing, after all."

"I'll keep that in mind," Miz muttered.

"I can still hear you!" Punk said.

"Hey, why don't you go get the blessed mop?" Will asked. "That way you'll be sure I'm using the right one."

"You think I don't know a ploy to get rid of me when I hear one?" Punk demanded. He paused, frowning as he looked at the can in his hands. "But just to be safe, maybe I'd better go get the mop. You know, so you don't use the wrong one." And he scurried out of the room.

"Wow," Miz said. "So um, am I really crazy?"

"I don't know," said Will. "Are you?"

"Possibly?" Miz asked, frowning. "The last thing I remember is talking to Mr. McMahon… and then I woke up here."

"So you don't remember running through the arena, screaming your head off that aliens were going to eat you?"

"Uh, no. Did I do that?"

Will shrugged. "Probably." He pocketed the handcuffs and his keys. "Punk'll be back soon with that mop. If you're planning to leave the room, there's a sunroom down the hall on the right." Miz had a sense of déjà vu at the words, but he shook it off. "You may find a few people you know down there. We aren't all that crowded at the moment, but I'm sure you can find someone to talk to."

"Thanks," Miz muttered. He slid off the bed and discovered that his knees didn't want to hold him. Will grabbed him before he could slide to the floor and kept him upright.

"Whoa there. Sometimes it takes a while for the drug to wear off. Maybe you'd better sit and I'll push you down there." Will helped him to a wheelchair and settled him in, then took the handles. They wheeled into the hall and saw Punk returning with the mop.

"Sorry I took so long. I had to bless it again," Punk said, his nose crinkling in disgust. "Someone has been using the sacred mop to mop the bathrooms."

"I'll be right back to take care of the spill in your room," Will said. "Let me get Miz settled in the sunroom first."

"Oh, I can take him!" Punk said.

Will glanced apologetically at Miz. "Sure, Punk. But don't try to baptize him! I am not in the mood to have to mop the whole sunroom again."

"That was one time!" Punk protested. "And anyway, most of the residents liked it." He grabbed the handles of the wheelchair. "Come on, Miz. You can help me convert the masses today."

"No baptisms!" Will called after them.

"Wouldn't dream of it!" Punk said with a smile as he wheeled Miz away. "You know, Miz, you're lucky to be here when there aren't a lot of superstars around. Sometimes, when it's really crowded, they have to use the dorms. But since there's just a few of us, you get to room with me. Isn't that nice?"

"Sure. How long have you been here, Punk?"

"Oh, about a year," Punk said.

"A year?" Miz asked. "But you were at the house show with me a day or two ago."

"Of course I was," Punk said. "I'm Jesus. I can be in two places at once."

"I'm pretty sure you can't."

"Oh, I can," Punk said. "Trust me." He turned so that he could back them into the sunroom, allowing the door to fall closed behind them. "Here we are."

Miz frowned when Punk turned the chair back so he was facing the room. "What the hell?"

"Oh, while it's quite warm in here sometimes," Punk said, "it's not Hell. Believe me, I would know."

"What are all these guys doing here?" Miz asked, looking up at Punk.

"The same thing you are, Miz," said Punk with a shrug. "They've gone mad."


	4. Miz Meets His Fellow Inmates

A/N: I don't own any of the wrestlers. I do own Will. Once again, it's all in good fun, folks. This chapter lays out the rest of the "cast", as it were.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 4: Miz Meets His Fellow Inmates

"But," Miz said, perplexed, "I see some of these guys every day. How are they here and not with the WWE right now? How are they not on Raw? They can't be two places at once too, can they?"

"Of course not," Punk sniffed. "They aren't Jesus, like me."

"Well then, how do you explain it?"

"Magic." Punk looked out into the room, his eyes narrowed. "They're evil sorcerers, bent on destroying the world. Or maybe they're aliens. I still haven't decided yet."

Miz surveyed the room. "Wait a minute. There's Orton. I bet he knows what's going on around here. Punk, let's go over there."

"We'd better not," Punk said, lowering his voice. "I think he's possessed by the devil."

"Oh, come on," Miz said, rolling his eyes. "He's not so bad…"

Just as the words left his mouth, Orton let out a roar of rage, his face nearly purple. He flung a game board across the room, bellowing, "Cheater! I'll kill you!" He lunged at his opponent, which appeared to be a stuffed monkey. Hospital staff members who had been standing nearby swarmed Orton and took him down.

"Still think so?" Punk asked with a smile.

"Maybe not." Miz sighed and went back to looking around the room. "What about Matt Hardy?"

"Matt or Matthew?" Punk asked. "Because if you get Matt, sure. But if it's Matthew, forget it."

"What? Oh, you mean that stupid YouTube thing he's been doing."

"No," Punk said, "I don't. He's got split personality disorder and depending on which personality's in control, you can have a very pleasant conversation or a very bad one."

"Okay then," Miz said. "Uh. Hm. Mark Henry?"

Punk chuckled. "Sure. He's always pleasant to talk to."

"A little bland, if you ask me," Miz said.

"Oh, I doubt that'll be a problem," Punk said, as he wheeled the chair up to the table where Mark Henry was sitting with Christian and someone else Miz didn't recognize. The third man looked familiar, though. "Gentlemen, I've brought you the Miz."

"Oh, good," Christian said, squinting at Punk. "Thank you, Orton."

"It's Punk," Punk said. "You really should wear your glasses, Christian. I'll leave you four alone."

"I hate my glasses," Christian grumbled. He squinted at the Miz. "What are you in for, Miz?"

"Apparently, I'm crazy," Miz said. "You?"

Christian sighed. "I'm as blind as a bat. I'm a danger to myself and others."

"I see. And what about you, Henry?"

Mark Henry blinked and said, "I'm a fluffy little kitten. Mew." He held up one large hand and pretended to bat a piece of paper across the table. "Meow."

"Uh," Miz said. "Sure." He looked at the third man at the table. "Hi. I don't believe I know you. I'm the Miz and you're…?"

"Awesome?" the man asked, chuckling.

Miz grinned. "Nope, that's me, too. Seriously, though."

"I'm not so good with names, actually." He nudged Christian. "Rey can tell you about it."

"Rey…?" Miz asked.

Christian cleared his throat. "Uh, he means me."

"But you're Christian…?" Miz said, clearly confused.

"Yeah. Well, here's the thing, Miz." He glanced nervously at the other man, squinting. "Uh, did you want me to tell him, JJ?"

"Please," said the man.

"JJ here is kind of… scrambled when it comes to names. He gets pretty much everything else right, but he can never quite seem to get anyone's name. It's… um, it has to do with some kind of brain surgery he had done a while back. So yeah, that's why he's here. It takes some getting used to, but once he knows who you are, you can always count on him calling you by the same name. It's just not your name." He turned to JJ. "What's your name, JJ?"

JJ sighed. "Kane. And you're Rey Mysterio."

Christian turned back to Miz. "I'm always Rey Mysterio, and he's always Kane. So what's Miz's name, JJ?"

JJ said, "Undertaker."

Christian raised his eyebrows at that. "Huh. Okay, you heard the man, you're the Undertaker."

"Great," Miz muttered. "What do I have to do?"

"Nothing. Just be aware that when JJ says Undertaker, he means you."

"This is so messed up," Miz said. "I get why you guys are here, but I have no idea why I'm here."

"Because you're crazy," Christian said with a shrug. "You said so yourself."

"But I'm not actually crazy," Miz said. "I mean, I don't think I'm a cat, I don't have multiple personalities, and I'm certainly not psychotic like Orton over there."

"Did you just point at me?" the recently sedated Orton bellowed. "I'll kill you!" He lunged out of his chair, falling to the ground and twitching uncontrollably.

"Uh, you may not want to point at Beth Phoenix," JJ muttered to Miz. "He doesn't like it. It makes him angry."

"Wait," Miz said. "So Orton's… Beth Phoenix?" JJ nodded and Miz tried to hold in his snickering. Orton renewed his bellowing and managed to crawl across the floor to the four of them. He bared his teeth and reared back, biting Miz just above the ankle. "Ow! Hey!" Miz said.

"Aww cheeh choo wa ame, unk" Orton said, around a mouthful of flesh.

"What?" Christian asked, as Miz kicked at Orton.

Miz managed to get his leg away from Orton, and the Viper snarled, "I said that'll teach you to laugh at me, Punk."

Punk walked up behind the Viper as he was speaking. "But I wasn't laughing at you."

"He was talking to Undertaker, Hornswoggle," JJ said.

Miz shook his head. "I'm going to have to get this disinfected." He paused. "You're Hornswoggle?"

Punk glared at him. "No, I'm Jesus. And if you'll just hold still, I can bless your leg and heal it right up."

"That's okay, I think I'd rather have disinfectant."

"It won't take but a minute," Punk said.

"No, seriously, Punk," Miz said, "I… Ow! Why would you do that?" They both stared down at Miz's Pepsi-covered leg. "You poured Pepsi in my wound!"

"It's blessed," Punk said with a shrug.

Orton cackled and rubbed his hands together. "Even now, the poison from the Viper is making its way through your system. You'll start to wither and die."

"I poured holy Pepsi on it, though," Punk said. "So he won't."

Miz stared at the two of them. "Uh, Randy, you do know you're not really a poisonous snake, right?" Orton shrugged and leaned against the wall, smirking. "And Punk… seriously, it's a freaking Pepsi."

"A blessed freaking Pepsi." Punk leaned over to examine the wound- a tiny little abrasion made by one of Randy's incisors. "See, it's healing up nicely already."

Miz groaned. "I've got to get out of this place."

"But we're having Chicken Pot Pie tonight," Mark Henry said. "Meow."

Just then, Will arrived. "Medication time, guys. Line up."

"Finally," Christian muttered. "These guys are a whole lot calmer once they're medicated. You'll see." He reached for JJ's arm and let the other man guide him past Miz and the others. "You may want to get that wound looked at, just in case, Miz. And by the way, welcome to D Ward."

A/N: JJ's condition causes him to scramble names, as mentioned above. I've got a running list of who's who that will probably show up at the end of the chapters as needed. I'll try to limit JJ's references to other people by name as much as possible, as it could potentially get confusing. So far:

Miz = Undertaker

Christian = Rey Mysterio

Randy Orton = Beth Phoenix

C.M. Punk = Hornswoggle

JJ = Kane


	5. Miz Has A Moment

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Will, but he's not a wrestler. I have no idea why everyone is so obsessed with Chicken Pot Pie, either. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 5: Miz Has A Moment

"Here you go, Miz," Will said, handing Miz a little cup with several pills in it.

"What are they?" Miz asked.

"Your medication," Will said.

"I figured," Miz said, "but what are they?"

"Hey, you're holding up the line," Matt said. "And Orton's not sedated enough to handle that. Trust me." He rubbed his shoulder and winced.

"You all right, Matt?" Miz asked.

"Fine. But I held up the line yesterday and Orton slammed into me."

"Oh." Miz took the pills and swallowed them while Will watched.

"At least it's Chicken Pot Pie night," Matt said, once he'd taken his pills and pushed Miz's chair away from the line. "Things always seem so much calmer on Chicken Pot Pie night."

"It's because I'm a good cook," Mark Henry said, interjecting himself into the conversation. "I make everything from scratch."

"How does a cat cook?" Miz asked.

"What are you talking about?" Mark asked.

"You're a cat, right?"

Mark laughed girlishly and swatted Miz's shoulder. "Hehehe! You silly boy! No, of course I'm not a cat! I'm a sweet southern belle! We just had my introduction to society party last week, didn't we, darlin'?" He batted his eyes at Matt, who had to cover a snicker with a cough.

"Uh, yeah, we sure did. We had a cake and everything."

"Oh, you!" Mark said, whapping Matt on his hurt shoulder. Matt winced. "Always teasing! Of course we didn't have a cake. I'm watching my girlish figure while I try to land myself a husband."

Matt rubbed his shoulder. "Hmm. I think JJ said he'd like to sit with you tonight."

"Oh!" Mark let out a girlish shriek. "I do so love that man!" He leaned over, planted a quick kiss on Matt's cheek and bounded off, surprisingly light on his feet for such a large man.

"What on earth was that?" Miz asked. "Does Mark Henry have a split personality too?"

Matt's eyes darkened. "Not exactly."

Miz frowned. "Punk mentioned your… problem."

"He mentioned Matthew, you mean."

"Something along those lines."

"I don't know why I'm still here. Matthew never shows up any more."

Miz shifted uncomfortably. "Oh. Okay then."

JJ stormed up to them. "What did you say to Shawn?" he demanded of Matt.

"Shawn?" Miz asked.

"JJ's got this problem…" Matt began.

"He knows about the name thing, Drew," JJ said shortly.

Matt's eyes widened. "I'm. NOT. Drew. McIntyre!" he yelled angrily at JJ. The other man flinched and Miz watched in horror as Matt grabbed a chair and swung around to smash it against JJ. "I am going to destroy you!"

"Whoa, Matt!" Miz said.

"I'm not Matt, I'm Matthew!"

Miz held up his hands. "Okay, man, okay. Just calm down."

"Help!" JJ yelled, and the medical staff that had been tailing Orton jumped into action, piling onto Matt.

"What happened?" Will asked, rushing over.

"I don't know," Miz said. "He went from Matt to Matthew."

Will glared at JJ. "I thought I told you not to talk to Matt any more."

JJ stared down at Matt. "He told Shawn to sit with me, and Shawn was trying to kiss me again."

"Did you call him that name?" Will asked.

JJ sighed. "It's his name."

"It also triggers Matthew, JJ. You know better than to call him that. Couldn't you find another name for him?"

"But it's his name," JJ protested.

"Go sit down. Matt will rejoin you when Matthew's gone."

JJ pushed Miz's chair into the dining room. Punk slid into the seat next to him. "Hey, Miz."

"Hey," Miz said. He rubbed his forehead as though it hurt.

"Headache?"

"Yeah."

Punk nodded. "Sometimes they happen when you take the meds. That's why you ought to go straightedge and not take them."

"But they watched us take them," Miz said, "and I want to get better. How am I going to do that if I'm not on the meds?"

Punk shrugged. "What happened in there?"

"With Matt?" Punk nodded. "I don't know. We were talking and then JJ came up and…"

"Ah," Punk said. "Yeah. If you see JJ and Matt in the same small area… run. Those two do not get along at all. Well," he amended, "they do until Matthew shows up. Or worse."

"Worse?"

Punk grinned. "You haven't seen it yet, but it happens. Matt's got issues."

"Don't we all?" Miz sighed. "So what's the deal with Henry, anyway? First he said he was a cat, then he said he was a southern belle, but Matt says he doesn't have multiple personalities. What gives?"

"Oh, I'd rather not ruin the surprise," Punk said. "But I'm sure you'll figure it out. Keep an ear on Henry for a little while and I'm sure it'll be clear what's going on."

"You're not going to tell me?"

"Nope. Unless you're going to join the straightedge movement?"

Miz shook his head. "Sorry. Not interested."

"That's a shame." Punk looked around the table. "Hey, where's my Pepsi?"

"You know the doc told you he was going to limit your Pepsi intake, Punk," Will said.

"But it's dinner! And it's Chicken Pot Pie night!" Punk said. "How can you limit my Pepsi on Chicken Pot Pie night? How am I supposed to bless the meal without the sacred drink?"

"Isn't the sacred drink wine?" Miz asked.

"Lies! All lies! That's not true at all."

"But it's in the bible."

Punk stared angrily at Miz. "Damn the advertisers! They paid off the publishers to make sure that people would buy more wine. At first, we didn't think much of it, but now it's gone too far. I didn't turn water into wine at the last supper! I turned water into Pepsi!"

"Funny, that's the opposite of how that usually works," Miz said, earning him another glare from Punk. "And I'm not a bible scholar or anything, but wasn't it the story of the loaves and the fishes that had Jesus turning water into… uh, whatever?"

"I did it all the time, okay? It was like a cool party trick."

"Well," Will said, setting a glass of water down before Punk, "maybe you can do it again tonight, then."

"I told you, my dad took it away from me," Punk said, pouting.

"What did you do?" Miz asked. "Sneak off when you were grounded?"

"Yes," Punk said. "Literally." Miz chuckled and shook his head. "Oh, laugh and scoff all you want, Miz, but it's the truth. I died, you see, and I was supposed to stay dead. But I'd promised that I would come back, so I did, three days later."

"So that makes you a zombie, right?" Christian asked. He sat down across from Miz and Punk.

"Oh, ha ha," Punk said. "I find it funny that the man whose name comes from the religion I formed is making fun of me right now. You're so going to Hell, Christian, just as soon as I talk to my dad."

"Isn't he listening right now?" Christian said.

"What's gotten into you tonight, Rey?" JJ asked Christian. "You normally get along fine with Hornswoggle."

Christian shrugged. "Maybe it's the lack of Pepsi at the table."

"Yes!" Punk shouted. "Praise me! I have converted Christian to my ways!"

Miz sighed and rubbed his forehead again. "I think I'll skip dinner. I'm not feeling so good."

"But it's Chicken Pot Pie night!" Punk said in horror. "That's almost as sacred as the holy Pepsi!"

"I feel sick," Miz said. He didn't notice Will dropping a box next to Christian's plate, or the quiet exchange the two of them had.

"Well you would, wouldn't you?" Miz heard from across the table.

"Who said that?" Miz asked. He looked around for the source of the voice.

"Who said what?" Christian asked.

"Over here, Miz," said the voice again, and Miz turned his head, searching. "By Christian's elbow."

"Uh," Miz said. "Guys? I'm hearing a voice…"

"Well, that's not good," Christian said. He picked up the box next to his plate and stared at it in bemusement.

"Ah! I don't like heights!" the voice shrieked. "Tell him to put me down!"

"Put him down!" Miz shouted, causing everyone to stare at him.

"Put who down?" Christian asked.

"The box! I'm in the box!"

"Put the box down!" Miz said frantically, flailing at Christian.

Christian stared at Miz, then slowly set the box down. "Okay…"

"Oh, thank you!" The voice was sobbing. "Thank you for saving me, Miz!"

"What the heck is in that box?" Miz asked. Wordlessly, Christian slid the box over to Miz. "Marshmallow Peeps?"

"Oh no," said the little voice from the box, "we're not Marshmallow Peeps. We're Mizmallows!"

A/N: Mizmallows came from Darkest-Hearts' story, "Stranger Things Have Happened," and were added in by request.

A/N: Updated list of JJ names:

Miz = Undertaker

Christian = Rey Mysterio

Randy Orton = Beth Phoenix

C.M. Punk = Hornswoggle

JJ = Kane

Mark Henry = Shawn Michaels

Matt Hardy = Drew McIntyre

This is all the major players that will be in the majority of the story, so hopefully, it won't get too confusing. :)


	6. Miz Has A Mishap

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Will. Darkest-Hearts owns the Mizmallows. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 6: Miz Has A Mishap

Miz dropped the box of Mizmallows and pushed away from the table. "I think I'd like to lie down now."

"What's the matter, Miz?" Christian asked, retrieving the box of Peeps.

"He's going to eat us, Miz!" the box screamed. "Save us!"

Miz covered his ears. "I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this…"

"Not hearing what?" Punk asked. "I know you're mad and all, dude, but maybe you could try making sense for those of us who aren't sanity impaired?"

Miz stared in horror at Christian, who had a knife and was squinting at the box thoughtfully. Slowly, he lowered his hands from his ears. "Uh, Christian? You're not going to eat those, are you?"

"Probably after dinner," Christian said. "Why? You want one?"

"Save us!" the Mizmallows yelled. Miz could distinctly hear more than one voice now. He winced.

"Yes. They're my favorite. Can I have them? Please?"

"I don't know," Christian said doubtfully. "What are you going to give me for them?"

"What do you want?"

Christian shrugged. "Your dessert tonight?"

"Deal," Miz said in relief. "Whatever it is, you can have it. Now hand over the Mizmallows."

"Mizmallows," Punk said. "That's cute. Weird, but cute."

Christian shrugged and pushed the box across the table again. "They're all yours."

Miz cradled the box against his chest and peered down at the marshmallows inside the plastic. "Shh, it's all right. You're safe now. He won't eat you, I promise."

"Wow," Christian said, "you _are_ crazy, aren't you?"

"Really crazy," Punk said. "In the land of crazies, he's the king."

Miz ignored them. "Could someone wheel me to my room, please?"

"I will," said Mark Henry. Miz nodded and the big man stood up and took the handles of the chair. They passed through the sun room, where Matt was sitting in a darkened corner.

"Leaving so soon, Miz?" Matt asked.

"Are you Matt or Matthew?" Miz asked, and the man chuckled.

"Matthew. If I were Matt, I'd be trying pathetically to please you all. Matt's weak."

"Oh."

"I'm taking Miz to see the moon," Mark said. "Out on the balcony."

"I thought you were taking me to my room," Miz said.

"I never said that," Mark said.

Miz sighed. "Could you please just take me to my room?"

"Sure. I'm a race car driver!" Mark made a noise that sounded almost like a car engine.

"Do you have to make the noises?" Miz asked. "My head is killing me."

Matthew chuckled. "That's how it starts."

"That's how what starts?" Miz asked.

"Everything," Matthew said.

Mark let out an ear-piercing shriek and jerked Miz's wheelchair around, nearly spilling the man out. He ran, full speed at the door to the sunroom, making alarming car noises as he went.

"Look out!" Miz yelled, flinging himself from the chair at the last second. He'd cradled the box of Peeps against his chest, hearing their cry of horror. He held them safely against himself, protected, as he rolled to a halt near Matthew's feet. Mark crashed into the door with a resounding bang as it flew open, hit the wall, and bounced back. Mark was already gone by the time it had bounced back, however, taking Miz's chair with him. Miz looked up at Matthew, who had a smirk on his lips. "That was close."

"You should learn to keep better company," Matthew said. "Or it's likely to get you hurt."

"I can see that." Miz sat up and examined the Peep box. "You guys okay?"

"I think I lost some of my sugar," one of the Peeps said.

Miz looked up to see Matthew staring at the box with interest. "What have you got there?"

"Mizmallows."

"Hmm," Matthew said, sliding onto the floor to sit next to Miz. "Sounds interesting."

"Are you still Matthew?" Miz asked.

The man blinked at him. "Matthew? No. Hey, are those sugar?"

"Well, they have sugar on the—hey! Give that back!"

Matt held up the box he'd snatched away from Miz. "But it's sugar."

"Oh boy," Miz heard from the doorway. He turned to see Punk moving across the room. "Let me have it. Right now."

"But…" Matt looked up at Punk, his eyes huge and filling with tears. "But it's _sugar_, Punk."

Punk sighed and held out his hand. "Now." Tears spilled down Matt's cheeks as he set the box into Punk's hand. He let out a sob. Once Punk had the box, he said, "Will's handing out pudding in the other room, Jeff."

"Pudding?" Matt said, perking up.

"Jeff?" Miz echoed.

Punk shook his head at Miz. "Go ahead. I'm sure if you can behave at the table, you'll get pudding for dessert. And who knows? Christian may have more sweets on him."

"Yay!" Matt bounded to his feet and ran into the dining room.

"Jeff?" Miz said again.

Punk sighed. "We don't see much of Jeff anymore. He's almost completely gone now."

"But Jeff is a real person," Miz said. "I've met the guy."

Punk chuckled. "What can I say? Matt doesn't function well without his brother around. While Jeff was in the WWE, he was fine, but once Jeff went to TNA and this Drew McIntyre thing started, Matt went to pieces."

"How many personalities does he have?"

"That we know of?" Punk said. "Four. And I can only assume that you haven't met the fourth one yet."

"I don't know." Miz sighed. "My head is killing me, and now my arms hurt, too." He paused. "Uh, can I have my Mizmallows back? They're upset."

"Right, sorry," Punk said, handing over the box. "So where's Mark?"

Miz winced. "I do not want to talk about it. Unless you're going to tell me what the hell is wrong with him now?"

"Nope, sorry," Punk said. "But I will help you to the room, if you want."

"I think I'm bleeding internally," Miz said, "so yes, that would be nice, thanks." Punk helped Miz to his feet and the two made their way to the door, with Miz leaning heavily on his roommate. "I really appreciate this."

Punk said, "Hey, I'm Jesus. It's what I do."


	7. Miz Meets Pixie

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 7: Miz Meets Pixie

When he opened his eyes, Miz's first thought was that the room was way too bright. His second thought was that his chest felt weird. He flung the blanket back and stared down at his chest. "Uh."

Sitting dead center was a tabby kitten, so small it would fit into his cupped hand. "Meeew," it said, shivering. The cat's tiny eyes peered up at Miz.

"I see you've met Pixie," Punk said. He scooped the cat up, making Miz wince when tiny claws tried to take skin with them. "She's not supposed to be in here."

"Ow!" Miz said. "That really hurt."

"Sorry," Punk said. "Hold on, and I'll get some holy Pepsi and close that wound right up."

"No, that's all right," Miz said hastily. "I mean, it's fine. I think I'll just… um… yeah." He slid out of bed, taking a moment to steady himself. "See? I'm fine. Great, in fact. I've never been so great."

Punk shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'll be back in a bit. I'm going to take Pixie down to the nurses' station." The cat stared at Miz until the door closed between them. With a sigh, he grabbed his clothes and headed into the bathroom to shower and get dressed. When he came out, Punk was just returning to the room. "Sorry about that. She must have snuck past me this morning when I opened the door."

"Is that cat always loose in here?"

"No, she's usually shut up in the director's office or the staff area, but sometimes she gets out. She can be a slippery little thing. How she got on the bed, though, is another matter."

"You didn't put her up here?"

"Why would I do that?" Punk asked.

"I don't know."

"Well, I had no idea she was even in here. Maybe she jumped up." Punk shrugged. "Anyway, it's time for breakfast. You coming?"

"Sure," Miz said. "May as well."

"It's pancake day," Punk informed him. "Which means syrup. My advice to you is, avoid Matt if he starts eyeing your food. Pancake day is sometimes hard."

"Shouldn't they be checking him before he comes into the dining hall to see who he is?"

"Sometimes they don't catch JJ before he can say the name and Matt becomes Matthew in the blink of an eye."

"I'm more worried about him being Jeff." The two of them stepped into the hall.

"Jeff isn't too bad. At least you can usually distract him with something shiny or something sweet. Hi, Mark."

Mark Henry turned to look at Punk and Miz. "Shh. The world is about to end."

Miz frowned. "It is?"

"Yes."

"Again?" Punk asked. "You'd think dad would warn me about these things." He chuckled and pushed past Mark, into the sunroom.

"He's very confused, isn't he?"

"Who?"

"Mark."

"Oh." Punk looked thoughtful. "I don't think he's confused at all."

"He seems to have a lot of trouble telling what's real and what isn't."

Christian stumbled over to them. "Are you making Miz guess what's wrong with us?"

"Not everyone. Just Mark," Punk said.

Christian shook his head and turned to where he thought Miz was. He ended up facing a wall. "It's not that complicated. The man's a liar."

"Punk?" Miz asked.

"No, Mark. He knows that what he's saying isn't true, but he says it, anyway."

Miz frowned. "So when he said he was a race car driver last night and ran my wheelchair into the door, he was perfectly aware of what he was doing?"

"Sorry," Christian said. "But yes."

Punk pouted. "Why must you always ruin my fun, Christian?"

"Why do you think it's fun to make the new guy guess what's wrong with us?" Christian countered. "That's not very Jesus-like of you."

"I get so little in the way of entertainment around here, though," Punk said. "I may as well do something."

"Maybe you should use your powers for good instead of evil."

"Why does everyone always say that?" Punk grumbled. "I'm Jesus. I'm above evil."

"Oh boy! Paaancakes!" Matt rushed past the three of them, laughing. "I love pancake day!"

` "Is he Jeff now?" Miz asked Punk.

"Unfortunately," Punk said with a sigh, "that was pure Matt. Hey, Christian, where's JJ?"

"He's in our room," Christian said. "He wasn't feeling well this morning. Between you and me, I think they upped his meds again."

Punk winced. "That's never good."

"No," Christian said.

"Why isn't that good?" Miz asked.

"Because," Christian said, "usually when they up JJ's meds, the rest of us can expect some… problems. He seems to be the most sensitive to changes in his medication. They're probably already changing things for all of us."

"That seems… odd," Miz said.

"As I said, welcome to D ward," Christian said with a shrug. "They do things kinda weird around here, as often as not."

"We'd better go grab a seat," Punk said. "You do not want to leave Matt alone with the pancakes for very long or you won't get any syrup."

"Good point," Christian said. "Um, could one of you help me out?"

Punk sighed, taking Christian's arm. "You really should wear your glasses, Christian."

"But I hate my glasses."

Miz started to follow the two of them into the dining area. "Psst, hey, you. New guy." He paused, hearing the new voice.

"Who's that?"

"Who's what?" Christian asked.

"Man, not so loud!" said the voice. "Let them get out of the room first, new guy."

Miz sighed. "Uh, I'll just be a minute. I need to tie my shoes."

"You're wearing slippers," Punk pointed out.

"Yeah," Miz said, shrugging. "The kind that tie."

Punk rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever. C'mon, Christian."

"Great, now they think you're crazy," said the voice.

"I am crazy," Miz said, frowning, "or I wouldn't be here. Where are you?"

"Look under the big chair in the corner."

Miz crept over to the big chair and crouched down. The tabby kitten peered back at him. "It's that kitten again. What about it?"

"I'm more than just a kitten, pal," said the tabby. "I'm the guy who's going to get you out of here."

Miz stared at the kitten. "Okay, now the cat is talking to me."

"It's not the cat," someone said behind him, and Miz whirled to see Randy Orton. "You hear voices, like me. They're in your head."

"And they talk to you, yeah. We've all heard the theme music."

Randy sighed. "The voices are real."

"Don't listen to him," the tabby said. "He's crazy, clearly. But you're not. You're completely sane."

Miz snorted. "Right, completely sane and talking to a freaking cat in a hospital. Why do I think no one's going to buy that one?"

"I'm serious," the cat said with a growl. "There's nothing wrong with you that a long weekend away from this place wouldn't fix."

"Except for the fact that you're talking, of course."

"That has more to do with me than to do with you," the cat said. "Watch out!" It darted out from under the chair and streaked toward the dining room.

"Watch out for wh-" Miz started, but then Randy was on him, smacking him.

"I do too hear them!" Randy said. "They hate you!" The medical staff that seemed to swarm after Orton grabbed him and hauled him off of Miz. "I will kill you!" Orton screamed. "I will rip you apart!"

Miz stared up at the other man in horror while they sedated him. "If you guys are making the meds stronger, they obviously aren't working on him."

"They are, though," said JJ, who appeared in the doorway. "Beth normally starts screaming death threats immediately. This time, he managed to wait a whole five minutes."


	8. Miz Wants To Be Somewhere Else

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 8: Miz Wants To Be Somewhere Else

"Are you all right, JJ?" Miz asked. "Christian said you weren't feeling very well."

"I'm fine," JJ said, wincing as Orton let out a howl of anger and renewed his effort to break away from the staff. "Just a headache. Maybe we should go in to the dining room."

"Right. Um, did you see the cat…?"

"I saw her, all right," JJ grumbled. "She's a little troublemaker."

Miz shook his head and followed JJ into the dining room. JJ slid into the seat next to Christian and indicated that Miz should take the seat next to Punk. Glancing around, Miz saw that Matt was by himself at a smaller table. "Huh. Why's Matt over there?"

Punk glanced at Matt. "He and JJ don't sit at the same table, and since JJ is usually helping Christian…"

"Ah." Miz frowned. "Um, does anyone else hear something?"

"No?" Punk said.

Miz sighed. "Christian, do you have a box of Mizmallows in your pocket?"

Christian squinted at Miz. "No…?"

"Are you sure?"

"First of all, they're called Peeps," Christian said. "And the staff thinks it's funny to give them to me. And second of all, why would I lie about having them in my pocket?"

"I have no idea," Miz said. "But if you do have some, don't eat them because if you do, you'll have their blood on your hands."

"Wouldn't it technically be on my teeth?" Christian asked.

JJ frowned. "You've been strangely confrontational the past two days, Rey."

"Yeah, well," Christian said, "your name is stupid, JJ. So there." He stuck his tongue out.

Mark Henry strolled into the room. "Hi! I'm a twelve year old stamp collector from Brazil and my name is Ellis Edmore."

"That is so weird," Christian said, standing up. "I'm also a twelve year old stamp collector from Brazil named Ellis Edmore!"

"You are?" Mark said, blinking.

"Yes!"

"Well, hello!" Mark threw his arms around Christian and hugged him. "I think maybe we are twins that were separated at birth!"

"Definitely! We look just alike and everything."

Miz sighed. "I have got to get out of this place."

"Tell me about it," Punk said. "It's been a very long year."

"I know a way out." The voice came from under the table. Miz frowned and looked down to see Pixie sitting by his feet. "It's going to be dangerous, though."

Miz asked, "More dangerous than this place?"

"Who are you talking to now?" Christian asked, leaning toward Miz.

"The cat," Miz said.

"Pixie?" Punk asked with a frown. "The nurses must have let her out again." He peered under the table. "Here, Pix."

Pixie stared at Miz. "Unfortunately, you're going to need help from the others."

Miz gave Punk a worried look. "Did you hear the cat talk?"

Punk's expression was bemused. "I heard something."

"Now you're hearing talking cats?" Christian said. "They must be giving you some seriously strong meds."

"No," Punk said, "I heard it too, I think."

"Well, that's just peachy," Christian said. "Next thing you know, we'll all be hearing voices."

"I hear voices," said a very sedated Randy. Miz lifted his head and blinked at the Viper.

"When did he get here?"

"Who?" Christian asked, peering towards the entrance expectantly.

"Orton." Punk said.

"Orton's here?" Christian squinted at Punk. "Nice to see you, Randy."

"That's Hornswoggle," JJ said. "Beth is on the other side of me."

"I didn't see him come in," Miz said.

"You were too busy talking to the cat again," Randy said thoughtfully. "Which irritates me, but the voices aren't telling me to kill you… yet."

"Well, that's a relief, anyway," Miz said.

"It won't last long," Orton said, in a detached way.

"He's right," Pixie said. "He must have twenty epic meltdowns a day. It's fun to watch, so long as it's not directed at you."

"But you're just a tiny kitten," Miz said. "Why would he direct it at you?"

"Is the cat still talking?" Christian asked. "What is she saying?"

"She's saying…" Miz began, but Punk interrupted.

"She's saying to drink more Pepsi."

"Great," Matt said, "we get a talking cat, and it has commercial interruptions."

"She didn't say to drink more Pepsi," Miz said, irritated. "She said Orton has about twenty meltdowns a day."

"Only twenty?" Orton said. "That seems low, somehow."

Mark interjected, "It's more like a million. No, a billion!"

Miz rolled his eyes. The cat said, "Do you want out or not?"

"I don't know," Miz said. "What if I am crazy?"

"What if?" Christian said with a chuckle. "You're talking to the cat. I think 'what if' flew away on the happy train, Miz."

"You're not crazy," Pixie said. "True, your judgment is clouded, which is why you need them."

"What, all of them?" Miz asked.

"The cat wants to steal your souls," Punk said, "but I won't let it."

"Yes," said Pixie.

"That's not what she's saying at all, Punk," Miz said, frowning. "You're not making this any easier."

"How come you're the only one who gets to know what she's saying?" Punk asked. "You're crazy. You don't know anything. I'm Jesus, and I say that if the talking cat is going to talk to anyone, it's me."

"But she's not going to steal your souls," Miz protested.

"How do you know?" Christian asked. "Maybe she is."

"That would explain the evil look she was giving you this morning," Punk said. "And anyway, I've known her longer. She likes me. What makes you think she isn't talking to me?"

"You're not hearing what I hear," Miz said.

"Great song," Matt muttered.

Miz eyed Matt, then turned back to Punk. "How do you know?" Punk asked. "Besides, I happen to be fluent in cat. Are you fluent in cat, Miz?"

"No, I'm not," Miz said, "and neither are you."

"I'm fluent in shut the hell up before I kill you," Randy said dreamily. "Would you like to see?"

"What are you so angry about, anyway, Orton?" Miz asked.

Randy shrugged. "The lack of world peace. It really boils my blood how we as a species treat one another."

"Is he joking?" Miz asked.

"Of course I am," Randy said.

"Randy Orton is known worldwide for his wonderful sense of humor," Mark Henry said with a smile. "And I am a hummingbird. Zip!" He got up and ran around the room, making "Zip!" sounds.

"Someone make it stop," Miz moaned.

"I will," Pixie said, "if you're finally willing to listen."

"Are you going to eat those pancakes?" Matt asked Miz. "Because that syrup is going to waste."

Miz sighed. "Talk away, Pixie. I'm listening."


	9. Miz Has Breakfast Sort Of

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 9: Miz Has Breakfast – Sort Of

Pixie's plan was simple. "Even this room full of idiots should be able to get this one right," the cat said, settling on Miz's lap with a purr. "They do a bed check every night, but if you wait until after it's done, you ought to be able to make it pretty far before they discover that the lot of you are gone. You can sneak out the back way…"

"There's a back way?" Miz asked JJ.

"Sure," he said with a shrug, "but it's locked and they have cameras watching it."

"That won't be a problem," Pixie said.

"She says that won't be a problem," Miz related.

"And she also said that you should all bow down before me and let me save your souls," Punk said. "Be a part of straightedge and when we get to heaven, you can all say you knew me way back when."

"She did not say that," Miz said, irritated.

"Hey, you interpret the messages your way, and I'll do it mine," Punk said.

"You aren't helping," Miz told Punk.

Punk shrugged. "You're entitled to your opinion."

"Yeah," Pixie said, "he's crazy. Just ignore the straightedge Jesus and let's get on with this, shall we?"

"Sure," Miz said. "So how are you going to get us past the door?"

You'll need a distraction," Pixie said. "I'd advise getting Mark to do it."

"I'm not sure I trust that guy," Miz said.

"What guy?" Randy asked, his eyes narrowing. "Are you talking about me?"

"Is he always this paranoid?" Miz asked Christian.

"His medication must be wearing thin," Christian said.

"Now I know you're talking about me," Randy said. "And you're getting the voices angry. The urge to kill is rising…"

"Tell him he's a vital part of the plan," Pixie advised.

"I wasn't talking about you, Randy," Miz said. "You're an extremely important part of this plan, and I need your help."

"You do?" Randy asked, blinking. "Er, well. Okay."

"Great," the cat said. "Now he won't kill you. We just need to figure out what he can do to keep him happy for a few days."

"She says we need to eat our vegetables," Punk announced.

"A few days?" Miz said. "Why so long?"

"Because you're going to need some time to get together what we need."

"Terrific," Miz muttered. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"A few more days won't kill you… probably," Pixie said. "You just have to keep Orton happy. Other than that, the rest of them may be nuisances, but they aren't dangerous."

"Do you know that for sure?" Miz asked. He lowered his voice so only the cat could hear. "I suspect one of them might be rabid."

"Just Orton," the cat repeated.

"She says you should all offer me your desserts tonight," Punk announced, "and drink more Pepsi."

"Does the cat have a station that doesn't broadcast commercials?" Matt asked.

"No," Punk said.

Miz stared down at the cat. "Really? Days?"

"Just ignore them," Pixie advised.

"That may be hard to do."

"Try anyway."

Miz sighed. "Right, okay. So when will you tell me what we need?"

The cat jumped down from Miz's lap. "Tonight. I'll come see you once everyone's asleep and we'll talk then. Be sure and take your meds at dinner. We don't want the staff to get suspicious."

"I took them last night, didn't I?" Miz muttered.

"Probably," Pixie said. "See you tonight." She scampered away.

"So?" Christian asked. "What's she saying?"

"She left," JJ said.

"Oh. Okay, well, what did she say?" Christian amended.

"Take my meds tonight."

Matt said, "So she does Pepsi commercials and tells you to eat your vegetables and take your meds. Your talking cat is boring."

"Come on, Drew," JJ said.

Matt got very quiet. "What did you call me?"

"Drew," JJ said again. Then he realized what he'd said. "Oh hell."

"Grawr!" Matt yelled, grabbing the nearest chair and leveraging himself onto the table. He stomped across it, shouting, "Rawr! Grr!"

"Oh, great," Punk muttered. "You just had to say it, didn't you, JJ?"

"Uh," Miz said, as Matt stomped on his breakfast, syrup splattering every which way. "What is he doing?"

"Rooor!" Matt shouted, giving an especially vicious stomp to JJ's plate. The plate shattered and the remnants of the man's breakfast flew and hit Christian squarely in the chest.

"What's this?" Christian asked, touching the leftover pancakes. His expression when from puzzled to horrified in a moment. "Wh-what is going on? Have I been shot?" He patted the loose, gloopy pancakes in a panic. "That's it, isn't it? I've been shot and this is my heart and I'm dying! I can't see! Everything's going black."

"That's because you're not wearing your glasses," Punk said, dragging Miz with him away from the rampaging Matt. On the other side of the table, JJ was pulling Christian away.

"I'm dying, you idiot!" Christian snapped at Punk. "So I feel justified in saying this. You're not Jesus and I hate Pepsi."

"What?" Punk gasped. "Blasphemy! How can you hate Pepsi?"

"You're fine," JJ said to Christian. "Drew stepped in my pancakes."

"Rawr!" Matt screamed, stomping even harder across the table.

"Great," Punk said, "now he's going to be like this all day."

Miz stared up at Matt. "Who is he this time?"

Punk sighed. "This is his fourth personality. We only see it when he's really upset or angry."

"Who is he supposed to be?"

"Godzilla."

Miz blinked, turning to stare at Punk. "I'm sorry. I must not have heard you right. Did you say Godzilla?"

Punk was glaring at JJ. "That's what I said, yes."

"Someone call the medical staff before I bleed to death!" Christian wailed.

"What's going on in here?" Will demanded, pushing through the doorway from the kitchen.

"I'm dying!" Christian sobbed.

"Grorw!" Matt shouted, stomping.

Punk pointed to JJ. "He said the name."

"Don't point at me!" Orton shrieked, right before diving across the table to tackle Punk.

Mark looked mournfully at Will. "Breakfast is ruined," he said sadly. "And now I'll never get to dance class on time. I'm training to be a ballerina, you know."

Miz sighed and slipped out of the chaotic room, his head pounding. "A couple more days of this?" he asked.

"You'll manage," Pixie said, standing up from the chair in the corner and stretching.

Miz sank into the chair that sat opposite. "How?" he asked. "This place is a madhouse. Even if I wasn't crazy, a few days here would probably change that."

"It takes patience, that's all." The cat sat in the chair, curling her tail around her feet.

"I'm not sure I have it."

"Don't worry, you'll find it," Pixie said. "I have faith in you."

"Well, that makes one of us," Miz muttered. "Couldn't you just tell me what the plan is now?"

"No," the cat said.

"Why not?"

She closed her eyes. "Because I haven't thought one up yet."


	10. Miz And Pixie Debate Plans

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 10: Miz And Pixie Debate Plans

"What do you mean, you don't have a plan?" Miz asked.

"I have a few ideas," Pixie said, "but nothing concrete yet. Why? Is that a problem?"

"Yes, it's a problem!" Miz said. "You said you were going to get me out of here!"

"Keep your voice down," the cat said with a hiss. "Do you want to bring everyone in here?"

"Is there a problem, Miz?" Will asked, poking his head through the doorway from the dining room.

"What?" Miz said. "Oh, no. No problem."

"I thought I heard shouting."

"I was practicing," Miz said. "Mark said we're doing a summer play."

Will shook his head. "Try to be more quiet, then," he said before withdrawing.

"Whew, that was close," Miz said. He turned to look at the cat, but the chair was empty. "Pixie?"

"I can't get caught out here again," the cat said, peering out from under the chair. "They'll lock me up and I won't be back for days. I'm lucky I got away twice today as it is. I have no doubt they'll be looking for me soon."

"Do you have somewhere to hide?"

"A few places," said the cat with a yawn. "But back to your situation. Gum."

"Gum?"

"Yes. You're going to need some. Maybe a lot."

"Okay. Why?"

The cat stared at him. "Don't question me, new guy. You want out, don't you?"

"Yes," Miz said.

"Then get some gum. That's the first step."

"And what's the second step?"

"You'll eventually have to chew it," Pixie said. "But first, the staff has to see everyone else chewing it."

"Ew! I'm not chewing used gum!"

The cat sighed. "No, you idiot. Each time you chew it, it should be a new piece. Okay? Geez, you'd think adults would know this. I'd understand if you were five, but you're what? Thirty?" She shook her head. "It's just common sense. I shouldn't have to explain it."

"Where am I going to get gum, though?" Miz asked.

"You're going to have to ask for it. Since most wrestlers seem to chew gum anyway, they probably won't think it's an odd request," Pixie said. "And since you can't really hurt yourself or anyone else with it, they probably won't say no. So get the gum, and chew a piece every day. You're going to need a lot of packs, so pretend like you're going through a lot of gum, all right?"

Miz shrugged. "Okay. What else?"

"There isn't anything else right now."

"Right," Miz said, frowning. "So your big plan thus far is for me to get some gum."

"A lot of gum," the cat reminded him.

"Fine, a lot of gum. And to chew gum every day, to make it look like I'm chewing a lot of it."

"Yes."

He sighed. "I don't know, Pixie. Forgive me, but this plan sounds kind of… stupid."

"I don't see you coming up with an alternative," the cat said, turning so she could groom over her shoulder. "In fact, you were practically begging me to tell you my plan."

"That's when I thought you _had_ a plan," Miz said.

"I have the start of one," she retorted, "which is more than you have right now."

"How is 'chew gum' the start of a plan?"

The cat paused in her grooming, turning her green eyes on the man. "How is it not?" she countered.

"Oh, that's nice," he muttered. "I've always heard that cats don't give straight answers, and now I'm seeing it firsthand."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Alice in Wonderland?" he said. "The Last Unicorn?"

Pixie said, "Then maybe you've come into this with a prejudice against cats."

"I like cats just fine, thanks."

"And yet you expect us to be mysterious." She leapt down from the chair. "I'll see you tonight. I should have more ideas for you then."

"Where are you going in the meantime?" Miz asked.

"To take a nap," Pixie said, stretching. "What? You think these ideas are going to dream themselves up?"

%

"Why are you sitting out here all alone?" Punk asked, when he came into the sunroom ten minutes later.

"Honestly?" Miz asked, his eyes closed as he relaxed in the chair. "I couldn't take any more of it in there."

"Oh." Punk sat down in the chair Pixie had so recently vacated. "It can try the patience of a saint," he agreed. "Believe me; I know."

Miz sighed. "Sometimes I wish you were a mortal man, Punk. Just another schulb human like the rest of us."

"You'd want me to be like Matt or Randy?" Punk asked.

Miz opened his eyes and took in Punk's horrified face. He chuckled. "Maybe not. Maybe more normal than any of us here could ever dream to be. I'd like to have the voice of sanity speaking to me from someone other than the cat."

"She didn't seem all that sane to me."

"To me, either," Miz admitted, "but she's probably the closest thing we've got around here."

"Christian and JJ aren't totally bonkers."

"You have a point," Miz said. "I suppose I could ask them their opinions. I doubt either of them would steer me wrong." He frowned. "Sometimes you can be helpful. Thanks."

Punk shrugged. "Sometimes it happens without my knowing it. It's part of being Jesus."

Miz waved a hand. "Can we forget about you being Jesus for a few minutes?"

"I wish," Punk said with a sigh. "But it never really goes away, which means it's hard for me to move past it. Despite what my therapist thinks, I'd like to be wrong about being the second coming and the savior of all mankind. But I'm just not."

"Okay then," Miz said. "In that case, can you let me forget about it for a bit and just pretend you're a normal crazy like the rest of us?"

"Hmm, I don't know," Punk said. "Let me try it and see. Soup. Weather balloons. Toyota. How's that?"

Miz blinked. "I don't know. 'What's that?' might have been a better question."

"That's my version of acting insane. Naming off random items that are unrelated. Is it okay?"

"Uh, sure, we'll go with it."

"Oh, good," Punk said, "that means I don't suck at being crazy, then."

Miz smirked. "No, you're quite good at it, actually. You've got some amazing acting skills, Punk."

"Don't make fun of me, or I might show you my Orton impression," Punk threatened.

Miz held up his hands. "It was a compliment, honest. I swear. Don't bite me."

Punk shook his head. "Shows what you know. Biting is a last resort. Orton only uses it when he's exhausted all other avenues." He paused. "And I'd show you the bite he gave me in the dining room, but the holy Pepsi has closed it up and healed it nicely."

"Well, I'm glad to know it worked this time."

"What are you talking about? It works every time!"

Miz shrugged, not wanting to get into an argument. "So how bad is the fallout in there?"

"Christian apologized for insulting Pepsi, Matt's waiting out his return from Tokyo, and Mark made it to ballet practice on time. I'd say it's a happy ending—or at least as close as we can get to one in this place."

"I'm glad to hear it, then," Miz said with a smile.

"We should go back in soon," Punk said.

"In a minute," Miz agreed. "I just want a few more seconds of peace first, or it'll be hard to deal with."

"I've found that deep breaths help."

"Oh?" Miz said.

"Well, that and picturing myself killing whoever is annoying me," said Punk with a shrug.

Miz laughed. "Maybe I should stick with the deep breaths," he said.


	11. Miz Returns To The Dining Room

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 11: Miz Returns To The Dining Room

Despite the fact that Miz had steeled himself for chaos, he wasn't quite ready for the level of chaos that reigned in the dining room when he and Punk rejoined the others. "Where have you been?" Will demanded.

"You saw me out there," Miz said. "Practicing a play?"

"Not you," said Will, irritated. "Punk. You said you'd be right back, and that was ten minutes ago."

"You know I don't take time literally," Punk said, shrugging. "Besides, I think we needed some time outside of this mess." He stared down at Christian, who had an oxygen mask over his face. "What are you doing with Christian?"

"He had to be sedated," Will said, "and the intern gave him too much. Turns out that his stun gun was set a little higher than stun, but lower than kill."

"Where can I get one of those?" Punk asked. "I'd like to play paint ball with it."

"And that is why you'll never own one," said Will knowingly. "You lot would likely kill one another and then it would be Orton as the last man standing and no one wants that, do they?"

Punk sighed, "No, I suppose not. It would still be cool to have, though. There's so much I could do in the universe!"

"For good or evil?" Miz asked.

"Good, duh!" said Punk. "Hello, Jesus, son of God? That guy? Yeah, that's me!"

"Well, at least you're not full of yourself," Christian said from the floor. "Um, could someone help me?"

"I will," said JJ.

"He's so brave, isn't he?" Punk said. "Almost like a movie hero." He paused, frowning thoughtfully. "Hey, what's the name of that movie I like? The one with the severed heads where the dead guys talk? You know the one I mean, right, Will?"

"Sort of."

"Come on!" said Punk. "That one's a classic! I thought everyone went and saw it at least once."

"You don't even know the name of it, though," Miz pointed out, "so how much of a classic could it be? We haven't seen it, and the one guy who has can't remember what it's called."

Punk snorted. "I know the name." he said. "I never forget."

"I thought that was elephants." Christian asked. "Does that make you an elephant, Punk?"

"Makes sense," JJ muttered to Christian, who snickered. "Maybe we can get him to save souls for peanuts."

"Yeah, that's more than he's getting paid now."

"Rar?" Matt said softly from his corner.

"What's up with that?" Miz asked, indicating Matt with a tilt of his head.

"What's up with what?" Christian said, squinting expectantly into space.

"Matt," Miz said.

"Oh, he's in a time out," said JJ with a shrug.

"Are you serious?" Miz asked. "We have time outs here?"

"Some of us do," said Randy sleepily. "I spend a lot of time by myself."

"I can't imagine why," Miz said. "You've got such a charming personality and a razor sharp wit, after all."

"Be careful," said the sleepy viper. "I may not be an elephant, but I don't forget anything, either."

"Gulp," said Miz. "I'll keep that in mind, thanks." He turned back to the others. "So, breakfast. Wow, that was some meal. Seems like each one I spend here gets a little weirder than the last, and yet, they seem almost normal."

"They are normal," Christian said, "for here. What did you expect in a place like this?"

"To be honest," Miz said, "I never gave places like this much thought. Why would I?"

"It's because you're a narcissist," Christian said.

Miz smirked. "You can't see half a foot in front of your face, but you find time to read the thesaurus?"

"Yeah," Christian said. "What's your point?"

"No point, I just find that amusing."

"JJ reads to him," Punk said. "It's great for both of them, but it's hell discussing books with him because of the name thing. I mean, literally hell. That's how I picture it- discussing books with those two. I'm never sure who they're talking about, even when we've read the same things."

"Bite me, Hornswoggle," JJ said.

"I'll bite you," Randy said.

"You'll bite anyone," Punk said, rolling his eyes. "Good thing you've had your rabies shot."

"That's good to know," Miz agreed. "I was wondering."

"You know I'll bite you," Randy said, eyeing Miz.

"Been there, done that, thanks," Miz said. "And not in the mood to do it again today."

Randy shrugged. "Never hurts to remind you."

"Roar," Matt said softly, sliding down in his corner.

"Just ignore him," Punk advised Miz.

"Matt or Randy?"

"Both of them."

Miz shrugged. "Sounds easy enough, but if one of them bites me, it's going to be hard to do."

"Matt doesn't tend to bite, even when he's Godzilla," Christian said. "Randy, on the other hand, bites like he's Godzilla all the time."

"The staff's taken to wearing protective clothing," Randy said proudly.

"Yeah, not so sure I'd brag about that," Christian said, finally pushing the oxygen mask away. "Then again, if I were Randy Orton, I probably would."

Matt sighed loudly. Will said, "If you're Matt again, then you can come out of the corner."

"I've been Matt all day," Matt said.

"You can tell that to the doctor when he comes in later," Will said. "But go ahead and come out of the corner."

"Welcome back from Tokyo," Punk said. "I hear the weather's nice this time of year."

"Couldn't you be there now?" Miz asked. "Since you can be in two places at once and all?"

"I could," Punk agreed, "but I promised not to abuse the power. Kind of like Hermione in Harry Potter, when she has that time thingymabob."

"And he thinks discussing books with us is hell," JJ said. "Hornswoggle can never remember the important plot points. That's much worse than not being able to remember the names."

"Well, hell is other people, right?" Miz said.

"You have no idea," Christian muttered.

"Is it safe to leave you alone?" Will asked the group.

"We're never alone," Christian said.

"You know what I mean."

"They'll be all right," Punk said. "I'll watch them."

"Great," Matt muttered. "But who's watching you?"

"My father," Punk said smugly. "He's watching everyone. He even saw you steal that extra cookie off the plate last night, Will."

Will rolled his eyes. "Okay, Punk. I'll leave you all in the care of the orderlies."

Will left, and Miz said, "I'm meeting with the cat tonight."

"How will you find her?" JJ asked.

"Why would you want to?" Matt said. "All she does is advertise Pepsi."

"That's when Punk talks to her," Miz said. "She tells me different stuff entirely."

"I'm glad you've accepted my ability to talk to the cat, Miz," Punk said.

Miz shrugged. "I figured it would shut you up."

"Clearly you were wrong," Christian said. "Nothing ever shuts him up. Believe me, we've tried everything short of a gag and heavy sedation. We would have tried those, but…" He shrugged. "It's hard to get the stuff to make either of those a reality."

"Good to know," Miz said. "So tomorrow at breakfast, providing it doesn't turn into a zoo like today, I'll let you guys know what the plan is."

Mark skipped back in. "I'm a six layer wedding cake!" he sang.

Miz eyed Mark before he turned to the others. "And then we're getting out of here."


	12. Miz Thinks About Distractions

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 12: Miz Thinks About Distractions

"What, all of us?" JJ said with a frown.

"Yes," Miz said. "Pixie was pretty clear on that part of it. It's going to take all of us to get out of here."

"But I'm pretty comfortable here," JJ said. "The outside world isn't going to understand about the name thing."

"You'll be fine," Miz said. "Besides, if you don't go, who's going to help me with Christian?"

"Drew could help you," JJ muttered.

"Rawr!" Matt screamed, stomping after Mark, who let out a shriek.

Miz sighed and watched Matt, then turned back to JJ, eyebrows raised. "Really? And what happens when he's Godzilla?"

"It would happen a lot less without me there," said JJ stubbornly.

"I'd be busy chasing Matt and have to leave Christian with Punk or Randy."

"Ugh," said Christian with a shudder. "That's not good. Come on, JJ. You're fine, so long as you don't say names."

JJ shook his head. "I won't leave you at Beth or Hornswoggle's mercy," he said. "But why go at all, Rey? Don't you like it here?"

"It's comfortable," Christian said. "Sometimes. Which is more than you can say for most of the outside world. Why do you want to leave, Miz?"

"Because I don't belong here," Miz said, "and neither do you, Christian."

"So maybe you two should go alone," JJ said. "And come back for the rest of us?"

"Pixie said I'd need you, though," Miz said. "All of you. That this wouldn't work without you. I assume it's because you guys have skills that I don't."

"Yeah, they're called reality," Punk said.

Christian laughed. "That's freaking hilarious coming from you, Jesus. Reality." He shook his head.

"What?" Punk demanded. "I happen to be very in touch with reality, thank you very much."

"You think you're Jesus," Christian repeated. "How in touch could you possibly be?"

"Guys," Miz said, "come on, it doesn't matter."

"Well, I'm not going if he goes," Punk said with a sniff. "And you're going to need me."

"I'm going to need all of you," Miz said.

"Rawr!" Matt yelled, tackling Mark, who let out a high pitched squeal.

"What's going on in here now?" Will demanded, barging back through the door. He took one look at the scene, then turned to Punk. "I thought you were watching them!"

Punk shrugged. "I left it up to my dad for a minute."

Will sighed and pried a roaring Matt off of Mark. "Terrific. Godzilla, go to your corner."

"Rar?" Matt said, frowning.

"Or to your room," Will said. "I don't care which right now."

Matt dragged himself to the corner and sat down with a sniffle. "Rrr."

Will helped Mark up. "What happened?"

"The dinosaur tried to eat me!" Mark said. "I am a lovely six tier wedding cake and I was attacked by Godzilla."

Miz frowned. "That sounded surprisingly close to the truth," he said to JJ.

"Every so often," JJ said, "Shawn will say something that's true or almost true, which makes it all the harder to trust him. The staff never believes a word he says." Will stomped back into the kitchen, leaving Matt to creep quietly from his corner so he could stalk after Mark again.

Miz looked at Christian and Punk, who were glaring daggers at one another. "The two of you need to resolve this so we can have peace. I need you both."

"What kind of skills does the blind man have?" Punk asked.

"I don't know," Miz said, "but I know we're going to need his help out there. So can you two put aside your differences and try to get along?"

"Of course," Christian said, mock smiling. "I mean, I'm a Christian, and what is a Christian without Jesus?"

"Oh, that never gets old," Punk said. "Ha ha. Maybe if you wore your glasses now and then, you could tell it to the person you're talking to instead of the nearest wall."

"At least the wall appreciates it."

"I happen to know that it doesn't," Punk said. "It suffers in silence to keep you from feeling bad about yourself."

"And now you've undermined its' hard work," Christian said. "Way to go, Punk."

"So what if I have?" Punk countered. "What is it to you?"

"If it's my feelings that the wall is protecting…" Christian began, but he was interrupted by Punk's shriek.

"OW! Orton!" Punk glared at the Viper, who was gnawing on his leg. "What is your problem?"

"Friig aks be awe," Orton said.

Miz pried Orton off of Punk's leg. "What?" Christian asked.

"I said," Orton said, "Fighting makes me angry."

"So you bit me?" Punk asked. "I'm Jesus! Why didn't you bite Christian?"

"You were closer," Orton said with a smirk.

Punk rubbed his leg. "Now I'm going to need some holy Pepsi so that I may heal. Excuse me." Holding his head up high, he limped off through the door into the kitchen.

"Well, that's one way to end an argument," Christian said. "Thanks, Orton. Remind me to give you my dessert tonight."

"No thanks," Orton said. "He was making my head hurt, and I had to get him to shut up somehow. Biting Punk was my pleasure. And if he dies from the venom, so much the better."

"You're not really a poisonous snake," Miz said with a sigh. Orton shrugged. "I wish you would quit biting people."

"It got him to shut up, though," Christian said. "And he's only pouring Pepsi on himself this time. Not like the time he tried to baptize me in the name of holy Pepsi."

"That was you?" Miz asked, shaking his head.

"Yeah."

"Will mentioned it, in passing," Miz told him.

"It made an ungodly mess," Christian said. "Pepsi everywhere. I was washing it out of my hair for an hour. That stuff is even more sticky than you'd expect. And Punk, for all his shortcomings, has a hell of an aim with a two liter bottle of Pepsi."

Miz winced. "I can imagine."

"No," JJ said with a shudder, "you can't. We weren't allowed into the sunroom for two days while they cleaned it up. Shorted out the TV and everything. Two days in this place with no TV… yeah, not fun."

"It was a nightmare of epic proportions," Christian agreed. "They took his Pepsi away for a week. Well, until Orton bit him."

Randy said, "He was annoying me."

"I meant the time he tried to baptize me," Christian said.

"So did I," said a smirking Randy.

"So the good news is, if you need someone baptized in Pepsi on this road trip of yours, Punk's your man," Christian concluded. "Otherwise, he's a pain in the ass."

"I have no idea what we'll need," Miz confessed. "Just that the cat thinks we should take everyone. And that Mark Henry is to be the distraction."

The four of them watched Mark pirouette, crashing into both Matt and a nearby table. The two men and the table collapsed to the ground, bringing Will back from the kitchen a third time, shouting at the two of them. "He's definitely got the distraction thing down," JJ said.

"I'm a daisy!" Mark shouted. "Whee!"

"Rawr!" Matt cried.


	13. Miz Hears Pixie's Plan

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 13: Miz Hears Pixie's Plan

Dinner was more subdued, aside from the usual tangle to get Christian to give up his box of Mizmallows. Miz thought the little marshmallows were possibly starting to resemble him, but then he pushed the thought away. He was pretty sure that thought was crazy, and he didn't need any more trips to crazy right now, thanks. After dinner, he and the others tried to play a game of monopoly, but Punk kept blessing the pieces, Orton kept trying to bite people, and Matthew kept cheating. By the time they had it all sorted out, no one had won and Miz was more than ready to be sent to bed.

True to her word, Pixie managed to sneak in after everyone was asleep, including Miz. The cat woke him by digging her razor claws into his chest. "Ow!" Miz yelped.

"Quiet!" the cat hissed. "Do you want to wake the whole hospital?"

"Your little claws are sharp!" Miz protested.

"Just have Jesus over there pour some Pepsi on it tomorrow and you'll be fine."

"All that does is make me sticky and annoyed," he told the cat.

"Sure, but it makes him happy."

Miz sighed. "So what's the plan?"

"Right down to business, huh? That's good. I like that." The cat curled up on his chest, purring, her eyes half closed. "So here's what I'm thinking. Did you get the gum?"

"I got some gum, yeah."

"You're going to use that to disable both the door and the camera."

"It's just gum."

"You can slip it into the lock and make it jam," the cat said. "I saw that once on MacGuyver."

"You know that's just a TV show, right?"

"I'm a cat, not an idiot," Pixie said. "The gum will disable the camera. All you have to do is wad it up and stick it to the lens."

"Ew."

She stretched out, nearly touching noses with him. "Don't go soft on me, new guy. It's gross but effective. And if you're so worried about the door lock, then all you really have to do is swipe a key card that'll open the locks."

"And where am I supposed to get that?" he asked.

"Punk," said the cat. "He'll take me back to the nurse's station in the morning. While he's there, he can swipe one from Agnes. She's sweet, but she loses like two of them a week, so no one will think much of it."

"Okay. That takes care of the door and the camera," Miz said. "But we'll still be on the grounds. Then what?"

"If you wait two more nights, the laundry truck will be leaving through the gates. They never check the backs of those things."

"You watch a lot of TV, don't you?"

The cat seemed almost to shrug. "What else is there to do in the crazy ward? You lot get out past the gates and into town, but get out before they open the back of the truck."

"That may be easier said than done."

"I'm coming along," the cat said. "So if you need help, you'll have it. Anyway, get out of the truck and then you'll have to find a ride."

"Okay," Miz said, frowning. "Uh, just one problem. Where are we going?"

"I don't know," the cat said. "You'll have to ask your team that one."

"You think they know?"

"One of them must, right? Surely there's someone out there who can clear your name."

"So I'm supposed to sneak a lot of huge men into a laundry truck, get us out before we're discovered, to go somewhere and find someone who might be able to help me?"

"That's the plan, yes. Take it or leave it."

Miz sighed. "The plan sucks. The problem is, I don't have any other options. I don't know if there's anyone out there who can clear this up, but if I don't get out of here, I'm going to have a total nervous breakdown."

"Dude," said Pixie. "You're talking to a cat. I think the breakdown has already been and gone."

"Be that as it may," Miz said, frowning, "your plan is just crazy enough that it might work, provided someone can tell me where to go."

"I've seen your work on TV. I'm sure there are lots of people out there willing to tell you where to go."

"Ha ha, that's funny," Miz muttered.

The cat sniffed and leapt down from the bed. "I thought so. Now how about you get the door?"

Miz grumbled and got up to get the door for Pixie. "This better work."

"Don't worry, it will." She scooted through the door. "See you in a couple days."

Miz sighed and fell back into bed. "I can't believe I'm considering doing it."

"Of course you're considering doing it," Punk's muffled voice said from the next bed.

Miz turned to look at his roommate. "How long have you been awake?"

"Quite a while, actually," Punk said. "I'm going to make Pixie my minister of baptisms. Do you think she'd like that?"

"She's a cat. They don't like to be wet or sticky," Miz said, "so baptisms are out."

"Oh. Good point." Punk frowned. "Though if that's the case, she shouldn't be telling everyone to drink more Pepsi, should she?"

"Drinking it's not bathing in it."

Punk sighed. "This is why they put you in here. My father sent you."

"Okay," Miz said slowly.

"It's the only thing that makes sense. The cat talks to you and tells you different things than she tells me. She told you how to get out, didn't she?"

"Yeah," Miz said, "she told me."

"Do you think it'll work?"

"I hope so. I'm not sure how much more of this place I can take."


	14. Miz Deals With Randy And Matt

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 14: Miz Deals With Randy And Matt

Miz didn't remember drifting off to sleep. Before he knew it, Punk was shaking him awake. "Rise and shine! We have to go to breakfast! It's bacon and egg day."

"Why do all the days have themes?" Miz muttered. "And why are you waking me up to tell me what they are?"

"They don't all have themes," Punk protested. "Well, except for scary hat day. That one definitely has a theme."

"Don't tell me," Miz said. "The theme of scary hat day is scary hats."

Punk rolled his eyes. "Of course not. The theme of scary hat day is barbeque."

"How did I not know that?"

"Don't worry about it. You've never spent a scary hat day here."

"Is there one between now and two days from now?"

"No."

"Then God willing, I'll never spend one here."

"Are we going that soon?"

"I sure hope so."

Matt knocked on their door. "Hurry up! We can't have breakfast til you guys get in there."

"We can't?" Miz asked, looking at Punk, who shrugged.

"Mark says we can't," Matt clarified.

"Uh, Matt, you do know Mark's a liar, right?"

"Sure," Matt said. "But he's my friend and he wouldn't lie to me."

Punk and Miz exchanged a look. Punk sighed and put an arm around Matt. "One of these days, we're going to have to have a talk about how this lying thing works, Matt."

"Sure, sounds fun," Matt said, and Punk shook his head.

"Hopeless," Miz agreed. "Is everyone else at breakfast yet?"

"I think so. Christian and JJ were on their way when I came to get you guys, and Mark's already there, and I'm here…" Matt paused and counted off the guys on his fingers. "Who am I forgetting?"

"Orton," Miz said.

"Oh, right. He threatened to bite me the next time I woke him up." Matt wrung his hands. "You don't think he meant it, do you?"

"Knowing Randy?" Miz said. "He meant it."

"But we can't have breakfast without him. Mark said!"

Miz sighed. "I'll get Orton. You two go on ahead to breakfast."

"Really?" Matt said, smiling. "Thanks Miz! You're awesome!"

"That's what I keep telling people," Miz agreed.

Miz watched the two of them head down to breakfast before going to Orton's door. He knocked once, softly and was surprised when Orton pulled the door open, an irritated look on his face. "What?" He frowned. "Oh, it's you, Miz."

"Sorry," Miz said. "I told Matt I'd get you for breakfast."

The annoyed look came back with a vengeance. "I don't want breakfast this morning."

"Okay," Miz said. "Do you want to come down and hear about the cat's plan for getting out of here?"

"Are you going to tell me my part in it?"

"Er," Miz said. "Yes?"

"Then give me a minute. I'll get my lucky shirt."

"You have a lucky shirt?"

"It's covered in the blood of my enemies," Orton said proudly.

"Hmm," Miz said. "Maybe you ought to save it for when we're actually breaking out?"

"Oh." Randy frowned. "Good point."

Randy closed his door and the two of them headed for the sunroom. "So it's bacon and eggs day," Miz said.

"Is it?" Randy asked, smiling. The expression was disturbing on the Viper's face. It looked wrong.

"Yes?"

"I usually make someone cry on bacon and eggs day. I wonder why they told me it was oatmeal day?"

"I don't know. Punk said it was bacon and eggs day."

"Well, he would know, being Jesus and all."

"You seem more… mellow this morning."

"Do I?" Randy asked. "Maybe they've finally got my dosages right." He paused. "Hm, nope. The voices in my head are still there, and they're still suggesting that I RKO Matt and make him bleed."

"That seems kind of harsh."

"Well, they want me to wait til he's Matthew or Godzilla."

"Oh. Well, that's very… uh… considerate of them."

"I suppose it is," Randy agreed as they reached the sunroom.

"Yay, you're here!" Matt said, clapping his hands and running around Miz and Randy.

The Viper paused, smiling, and watched Matt. "Are you Matt right now?"

"I'm always Matt," Matt said.

Orton smiled and nodded, then RKO'd Matt. "Randy!" Miz shouted. "I thought you were only going to do that if he was Matthew or Godzilla."

"Ow ow ow!" Matt said, curling up in a ball.

"He was annoying me," said Randy with a shrug, the smile still firmly in place.

"Right," Miz muttered. He turned to look at the rest of the room. Mark was nowhere to be found. "Where's Mark?"

"He went into the dining room," JJ said.

"Uh oh," Punk muttered, and the rest of them followed him as he dashed through the door to the dining room.

Mark was happily eating everything. "Mark!" Matt said, tears in his eyes. "You said we had to wait!"

Punk sidled up to Miz. "He's sliding into Jeff again," he said. "Better get some candy or something from Christian."

Miz pulled a pack of gum out of his pocket. "Hey, Jeff, do you want some gum?"

Matt turned to stare at Miz. "Yes?" he asked with a sniffle.

"Okay," Miz said. "Come on. I'll give you the whole pack, but you have to promise to not stuff it in your mouth all at once."

"Even if he promises, he won't keep the promise," Christian said.

"I know," Miz muttered. "Jeff, I've got a special job for you in a couple days, but I have to know that you can chew this pack of gum slowly."

"I can!" Matt said, beaming. "I'm really good at chewing gum. Except when it loses its' flavor. Then it's gross." He wrinkled his nose up.

"Well, of course," Miz said. "No one blames you there, buddy." He held out the pack of gum to Matt. "It's yours if you want it."

"This isn't a trick, is it?" Matt asked. "Because sometimes people are mean to me!" He glared at Orton, who lunged at him, making Matt flinch and cry.

"Stop it, Randy," Miz said. "No, it's not a trick. I want us to be friends, Jeff. Here." He held out the gum.

Matt stared at the gum for a long moment, then looked up at Miz's face, his brow furrowed in thought. Then he smiled and said, "Okay!" and he snatched the gum from Miz's outstretched hand. When no retribution followed the move, Matt opened the pack of gum and began happily stuffing as much of it as he could into his mouth.

"I'd have hit him," Randy said.

"You did hit him," Miz muttered.

Randy shrugged. "True enough."

"That's great," Punk sighed, watching Matt stuff the gum into his mouth. "He's going to be on a major sugar high."

Miz grinned. "I doubt it," he said. "That's sugarless gum."

"Doesn't matter," Punk said. "Jeff is the eighth wonder of the world. He can get a sugar high off of sugarless gum. Unless it's full of tranqulizers, he'll be bouncing off the walls in a minute or less."

"It doesn't matter," Miz said. "I need a gum chewer, and I think Jeff is the right one for the job." He looked at Randy. "Does he go into Jeff mode whenever you attack him unprovoked like that every time?"

"I don't know," said the Viper thoughtfully. "Do you want me to experiment and find out?"

Miz sighed. "As mean as it sounds, yes. I need to know."


	15. Miz Finishes Handing Out Jobs

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 15: Miz Finishes Handing Out Jobs

"I don't have a problem with it," Randy said.

"Just do me a favor and leave him alone if he's Jeff."

Randy shrugged. "No promises."

"I'm so glad you put the angry guy in charge of a sensitive issue," Punk said. "Because that will end well."

Miz said, "I need to find out. Jeff's my gum chewer."

"Also not the best idea, but who's counting?"

"You are, apparently."

"Someone has to. It can't always be about baptisms with Pepsi. Sometimes, it's about knowing what everyone else is doing and telling them why they're wrong to be doing it."

"Sounds like the perfect job for you."

"What if I don't want it?"

Christian snickered. "Who are you kidding? Of course you want it. You're going to do it, no matter what, so you may as well take it."

"You don't know me," Punk said to Christian.

"Dude," Christian said, "are you kidding? I've spent the last six months locked in the booby hatch with you. Of course I know you. You're Jesus."

"You've been here six months?" Miz asked.

"Give or take, yeah," said Christian.

"How do you know?" Punk asked. "It's not like you can look at the calendar, is it?"

"Will tells me what day it is every morning," Christian said. "And besides, any idiot can keep track of the meals and figure out the day. It's bacon and egg day, which means it's Thursday."

"Bacon and egg day is Thursday?" Miz asked. "For some reason, I'd expect it to be Saturday."

"It is," said Punk, "but only in odd weeks."

"Every week here is an odd week," JJ said.

"Hey! Hey, Miz!" Matt said, tugging at Miz's shirt sleeve. "Look! Watch! I can blow a bubble!" He puffed his cheeks up with air and blew as hard as he could, sending his gum sailing onto the carpet. Everyone froze as Matt stared down at the gum. "That didn't work," he said after a moment. "But it will this time!" He scooped the gum up and popped it back in his mouth.

"Ew!" Miz said. "Jeff, yuck!"

Matt chewed the gum contentedly. "It has more flavor now."

Miz gagged. Punk said, "Don't forget, you made him the official gum chewer."

"Ugh!" Miz said. "That was gross!"

"Do you want me to hit him?" Randy asked hopefully.

"No," Miz said. "Maybe later."

"Whee!" Mark ran past them, throwing bacon and eggs from his plate into the air. "I'm in a parade! Look, I'm a hero!"

"Oh!" Matt said. "Me too!" He rushed after Mark, giggling.

Miz glared at Mark as some egg landed in his hair. "Please tell me it's scrambled eggs," he said to Punk.

"Over easy," Punk said, as yolk trailed down the back of Miz's shirt.

"Randy," Miz said, "if you'd like to hit someone, Mark needs it right now."

Orton said, "No thanks. The last time I hit the World's Strongest Man, he almost sat on me."

"Whee!" Mark said, throwing a particularly greasy piece of bacon at Orton. It smacked the Viper in the nose.

"On second thought…" Orton said, eyeing Mark. "Maybe just this once will be all right." And with a bellow, he gave chase.

"So Orton's the muscle," Punk said, "Jeff's the gum chewer, you're the cat whisperer, Mark's the distraction and I'm the brains. I guess that leaves Christian and JJ."

"I'm Rey's wrangler," JJ said.

"So just the blind guy, then," Punk amended. "What can you do, Christian?"

"I don't know," said Christian. "I'm good at a lot of things."

"Maybe Rey is the voice of reason," JJ said. "We certainly need one, around here."

"I am reasonable," Christian said thoughtfully. "And I'm good at solving problems."

"And yet, you're still here," said Punk.

"Because I'm blind as a bat," Christian replied. "Not because I'm crazy like the rest of you. Except for you, JJ. You're as sane as I am."

"That's not saying much, is it?" Punk muttered.

Christian glared two feet to Punk's left. "Very funny."

"I thought it was," Punk said.

Miz said, "I wish you two would stop fighting for once."

Just then, Mark let out a yelp. "Randy! Don't bite me!"

"What's going on in here?" Will demanded.

"He says that a lot, doesn't he?" Miz observed.

"You should see him on balloon animal day," Punk said. "Oh, wait. You will, since it's tomorrow."

Christian groaned. "I hate balloon animal day!"

"Christian's scared of balloons," Punk said, lowering his voice.

"I am not!" Christian said. "I just don't like it when you creep up behind me and pop them like you always do."

Punk smirked. "But it's so much fun, Christian. You jump every time."

"It's because I can't see you coming, you jerk!" Christian said.

"And yet, it's still funny," Punk said.

"You really should use your powers for good, Hornswoggle," JJ said. "Scaring Rey is definitely evil."

"I can't help it if he won't wear his glasses," Punk said.

"I hate my glasses!" Christian exclaimed.

"I've never seen them," Miz said. "Why do you hate your glasses?"

"They're coke bottles," Christian muttered.

"Pepsi bottles!" Punk countered. "And if you'd let me bless them, you'd see better."

"That's what you said when you tried to baptize me, but all that happened was that I got Pepsi in my eyes. Do you have any idea how much that stings?" Christian said.

"That's when he quit wearing his glasses," JJ told Miz.

"They don't help that much, anyway."

"They keep you from running into walls, Rey," JJ said.

"Not as often as they should. And anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm going to get that laser surgery thingy done someday."

"There's a good idea," Punk said. "You won't let me pour a little healing Pepsi in your eyes, but you're going to trust some idiot with a laser?"

"The idiot with a laser will have a doctor's degree," Christian said. "Something you don't have, Punk."

"I don't need one," Punk said. "I'm Jesus. Look in the bible. There are plenty of instances of me putting my hands on people and healing them. And on top of that, I've never been sued for malpractice. I'd like to know if this alleged doctor you plan to find can say that."

"As long as he's not delusional, and doesn't think he's Jesus and doesn't want to pour soft drinks into my eyes," Christian said, "I'm okay with a malpractice suit or two."

"Hmph. Whatever," Punk said.


	16. Miz Gets Scolded

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 16: Miz Gets Scolded

"I wish I knew why you guys are so messy," Will said, as he cleaned eggs off the wall.

"The bacon and eggs were all Mark," Punk said.

"Of course they were." He stepped back, frowning. "What the heck? I just stepped in gum!"

"That was Jeff," Punk added.

"Who gave Jeff gum?" Will asked.

"I did," Miz said.

Will sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "We don't give Jeff gum. Ever. He's not to be trusted with it."

"Sorry," Miz said. "I didn't know. It won't happen again."

"Please see to it that it doesn't," Will said.

"Mew!" Pixie leapt out from under one of the chairs suddenly, attacking Christian's foot.

"Ah! The devil has me!" Christian shouted, clapping his hand against his chest.

"Punk," Will said, "will you please capture the cat and take her back to the nurse's station?"

"I'll grab her," Miz said.

"She doesn't really like strangers much," Will said. He frowned when Miz knelt down and scooped up the tiny hairball. "Weird. I've never seen her take to anyone put Punk."

Miz shrugged. "I have a way with chicks, both human and feline." He walked to the door and held the cat out to Punk. When Punk took her, Miz said, very softly, "She wants you to steal Agnes' key."

Punk nodded. "Okay." He patted the cat and turned to go. Pixie winked at Miz before the door closed between them.

"Why is breakfast on the floor?" Matt asked. "And why does my mouth taste so weird?"

"Oh, Matt's back," Orton said, glancing at Miz. "Should I hit him?"

Will stared at the Viper. "You know you're not allowed to hit anyone, Randy. And why are you asking Miz, anyway?"

Randy shrugged. "He's helping me work on my anger issues."

"He is?" Will asked, frowning.

"Yes," Orton said. "Maybe."

Will looked at Miz. "You're helping Randy with his anger issues?"

"Trying to," Miz agreed.

"Great. When he asks you if he should hit anyone, say no."

"How is that helping?" Randy asked. "I have to be angry sometimes, and that means hitting. Or possibly biting." He paused, then turned to Miz. "Should I bite Matt?"

"Maybe later," Miz said.

"Don't tell him that!" Will said. "You'll just get his hopes up."

Punk returned, minus the cat. "I gave Pixie to Agnes," he said to Will.

"Good," Will said. He scraped the gum off his shoe into the trash can.

"Hello?" Christian said. "I just got attacked by the devil and no one cares!"

"I care," Punk said. "Let me get a can of Pepsi and I'll be right with you."

"Uh," Christian said. "You know, on second thought, eternal damnation doesn't sound so bad right now…"

"Nonsense!" Punk said. "Back in a minute, and then we can exorcise your demons."

Will eyed Punk. "No. No exorcisms. We talked about this."

Punk sighed. "I can't help it if saving souls is messy work, Will. Christian needs our help right now, and if you won't let me get the demons out of him, you're really doing him a disservice."

"You know, I think they left on their own," Christian said. "Vacated the premises."

"Probably because they know what's good for them," Punk said with a satisfied nod.

Christian frowned. "Yes, no doubt. I no longer feel their icy claws gripping at my pants leg."

"It was the cat," Will said, scrubbing at a particularly nasty smear of egg on the wall. "And she's no longer in the room."

"The cat is possessed?" Christian asked. "Um, Miz, if that's true…"

"She isn't," Miz said quickly. "Maybe we should all go into the sunroom and let Will work?" He shot a glance at Punk.

"That sounds nice," Punk agreed, taking Christian's free arm. "Maybe we can play Monopoly again."

"No!" Will said. "I do not want to have to clean up a second mess this morning. No more Monopoly. Go watch TV."

Punk sighed. "TV is evil and rots your brain. Unless Smackdown is on. Then it's good, provided they're letting me speak."

"Oh!" Matt said. "I like ladder matches!"

"Will you go get my glasses, Matt?" Christian asked.

"Yay!" Matt said, running from the room.

"Why'd you send him to do that?" Miz asked, as the rest of them filed into the sunroom.

Christian said, "That boy has the attention span of a gnat. And it's worse when he's Jeff."

"It's fine when he's Matthew, though," Punk observed. "Maybe we should let Orton RKO him again and see what happens this time?"

"We got Jeff last time," Miz said. "Maybe JJ could call him Drew. That usually gets us either Matthew or Godzilla."

"No one wants to watch TV with him roaring all the time," Punk said. "When he does that, you can't hear me speaking on TV."

"Which means it's the perfect time to do it," said Christian.

"Here's your glasses, Christian!" Matt said, bouncing back into the room happily and handing Christian the glasses. "What are you talking about, anyway?"

Orton smiled. Miz felt his stomach drop. "Nothing at all, Drew," said Orton sweetly.

"I am NOT Drew!" Matt snarled. "I should kill you where you stand for even saying that name to me."

Orton rubbed his hands together. "Bring it," he said. "I bet I can kill you first."

"Oh yay," JJ muttered, "another death match between these two idiots."

"Another?" Miz said.

"They seem to happen once a week, if not more," said Christian. "Matthew's the only one here who is as demented as Randy. Gives him someone to pound on."

Miz frowned. "Okay. But that leaves me with a question."

"What?"

"Who do you root for?"

"Orton mostly," Christian admitted. "But only because he's the greater of two evils. Matthew always disappears eventually, but Orton never does."

"Oh," Miz said. "Good point. Um, go Orton?"

"Yay!" Mark said, clapping. "I'm watching ponies dance!"

As Matthew and Randy circled one another, spitting out insults and preparing to fight, Punk pulled Miz aside. "I got it."

"You got what?" Miz asked.

"The holy grail, duh," said Punk, rolling his eyes. "The key, you idiot. You asked me to swipe it, and I did."

"Oh, right. Good work, Punk."

"That's it?" Punk said, frowning. "Good work, Punk?"

"Yes?"

"I go against my moral code and steal for you, and all you can say is good work, Punk?"

"Nice job?"

"Really, Miz?" Punk asked. "I mean, where are your manners? What do you SAY when someone steals for you?"

"Thank you?"

Punk smirked. "That's better. You're welcome."


	17. Miz Is Insulted

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 17: Miz Is Insulted

By the time Will finished up in the dining room, Orton was thoughtfully licking blood off his own lip and Matt was whimpering in the corner. "Oh, good lord!" Will said. "Now what happened?"

"Someone called Matt Drew," Orton said.

"Rawr!" Matt yelled.

"JJ!" Will said.

"It wasn't me this time!" JJ protested. "Beth did it!"

"Now you're going to blame Randy?" Will said. "Really, JJ, that's not like you."

"It was Orton," Punk said. "And then he and Matthew got into a fight."

Will sighed. "So far, Miz, your anger management skills aren't working."

"I think Orton's got more anger than a troupe of anger management specialists could manage," Miz said.

"But I feel strangely happy now," Orton said. "See? It's working." He smiled. "Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew!"

"Argh!" said Matt, tackling Randy and trying to bite the Viper.

"What's Matt doing?" Christian asked.

"Trying to bite Orton," Miz said.

Christian frowned. "Really?" He slid his glasses on. "Oh, wow. Is that what you look like, Miz?"

Miz frowned. "Yes?"

"Just checking. What's with the hair?"

"Like you should talk," Miz said. "Your hair looks like bleach threw up in it."

"It does?" Christian blinked.

"Yeah, and your eyes look like fish in a fishbowl in those glasses."

"I know about the eyes," Christian said. "Why do you think I hate my glasses? But my hair looks bad?"

"So bad," Punk agreed.

Christian turned to JJ. "Does my hair look bad?"

"It looks fine, Rey," said JJ with a frown. He glared at Miz and Punk. "Think about who you're talking to. Hornswoggle's hair looks like it hasn't been washed in weeks and Undertaker's hair… Well, just look at it! It looks like that."

"Hey!" Miz said. "Not cool, JJ."

"Hmm, good point, JJ," said Christian with a smile.

"Yep," said JJ with a nod. "Exactly. Good point, Undertaker. On top of your head."

"I like my hair," Miz said, patting the ridge in the middle gently. "It's awesome."

"Yeah, and I totally wash my hair!" Punk said.

"Oh, you do not!" said Miz. "I'm your roommate, and I have yet to see you go into the bathroom for a shower."

"Well," Punk said, "aside from the fact that it's weird that you're keeping track… I am Jesus. Dirt won't stick to me because I'm holy and all." He nodded. "So I don't need to take showers. So there." He stuck his tongue out at the three of them. "And besides, I take a bath in Pepsi at least once a week whether I need one or not!"

Miz gave Punk a blank look. "A bath in Pepsi?"

"Well, that explains a lot," Christian said. "Thanks, Punk."

"For what?" Punk asked.

"I didn't think it was possible for you to get any weirder. Clearly, I was wrong. Thanks for proving that to me."

Will managed to separate Orton and Matt finally. "Go to your rooms!" he said. "All of you."

"What did we do?" Punk asked.

"It's more what you didn't do, Punk," said Will. "Now, Randy, don't bite me! It's not my fault that you need to be sedated again. Don't bite Matt, either!"

"Rar!" Matt said.

"Sorry. Godzilla. I meant to say don't bite Godzilla."

"Rr," Matt rumbled contentedly.

"But he bit me first," Randy said, pouting. "It's only fair that I get to bite him back!"

"In that case, would any of you like to bite Mr. Orton, since he's bitten everyone here first?" Will asked the group.

"No," Punk said, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "Ew."

"Go ahead and bring it," Orton growled. "I'll sneak into your rooms and bite you all while you sleep, then laugh as you curl up and die from the deadly poisons…"

"Randy," Miz sighed. "How many times do we have to go over this? You are not a deadly snake, okay?" Orton managed a shrug, despite the fact that he was being held down by Will and two other staffers. "Please stop biting people for now."

Randy went back to pouting. "Fine. But I get to bite someone later!"

"We'll see," Miz said. He turned to Will. "See? I'm good at anger management."

"Sure," Will said sarcastically. "Except that you just told Randy he could probably bite someone later." He eased up on Orton as the Viper was finally sedated and the drugs kicked in.

Punk shook his head. "You really should go straightedge, Randy," he said. "You'll be much happier."

"Can I bite Punk later?" Randy asked dreamily.

Will sighed. "Maybe," Miz said. "If he won't stop with the straightedge crap."

"Hey!" Punk said.

"Yay," said a sedated Randy quietly.

"Roor," Matt muttered.

Mark sighed and looked around the room. "You guys are no fun anymore. I'm going to Memphis to play the blues because you all suck."

"Rooms," Will said. "Now. And I don't want to hear a peep out of any of you for the rest of the morning."

"This is so wrong," Miz sighed as he and the others headed to their rooms.

"I know," said Punk. "It's like Will's blaming us. What did WE do?"

"Not that," Miz said. "He doesn't want to hear a peep out of us? What's wrong with him, anyway? I keep telling you guys, they aren't Peeps, they're Miz mallows!"


	18. Miz Learns Something

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. Miz Mallows belong to Darkest-Hearts. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 18: Miz Learns Something

"So now what?" Punk asked, flopping on his bed with a sigh.

"Maybe we should take a nap," Miz suggested.

"Oh, right," Punk said, "because you've got this plan of yours all worked out and you've shared it with the rest of us."

"It's as shared as it's going to get for a day or two," Miz agreed.

"Come on!" Punk whined. "We're stuck in here and it's boring and the least you could do is tell me what the plan is! I promise, I'm not going to tell a soul."

"Don't tell him!" one of the Miz mallows said. "He's working against you!"

"But I need him," Miz told the box of treats. "I mean, he did steal the key for me and all."

"Did he?" asked the Miz mallow. "Have you seen the key?"

Miz frowned. "No, I haven't. That's a good point. Thank you, Mizbert."

"Mizbert?" Punk echoed.

"One of the Miz mallows," said Miz with a shrug. "So Punk, can I see the key?"

Punk smirked. "Why?"

"Because I want to see it."

"Did Mizbert say you should?"

"Yes," Miz admitted.

"What does he know? He's covered in sugar."

"Mizbert is a girl," Miz informed Punk. "So do you have the key or not?"

"If I show it to you, will you share the plan with me?"

"Mizbert?" Miz asked.

"Sounds reasonable," said Mizbert.

"Sure," Miz said.

Punk sighed and dug the key card out of his pocket, tossing it to Miz. "There. Now you've seen it."

"I guess you were wrong, Mizbert," said Miz.

"My mistake," said Mizbert.

"Mizbert says sorry," Miz told Punk.

"Great. I'm glad to know that a piece of candy admits it was wrong about me."

"Be nice! You're going to hurt her feelings," Miz said.

"And we wouldn't want that," Punk muttered.

"Well, I don't," Miz said. "I don't want to listen to Mizbert cry. She's already had some of the sugar knocked off her, and I'm pretty sure Christian was eyeing her personally when he had this box of Miz mallows."

"For pity's sake, Miz!" said Punk, exasperated. "It's a freaking marshmallow."

"A talking freaking marshmallow," Miz said. "Just like your holy freaking Pepsi."

Punk paused. "Huh. Well, when you put it like that, it sounds slightly less crazy."

"Only slightly, huh?" Miz said.

"Well, it is a talking marshmallow."

"You believe in talking cats but not talking Miz mallows."

"Cats are alive," said Punk with a shrug. "Marshmallows aren't. In fact, I have no idea what marshmallows actually are, and I'm Jesus. That should tell you something."

"It does. It tells me that you're not good at being Jesus."

Punk eyed his roommate. "It's your fault we got sent to our room, you know."

"How do you figure?"

"You gave Jeff gum. You told Orton he might be able to bite and hit people. And you encouraged us all to go to the sunroom, where you suggested that JJ call Matt Drew, which is what gave Orton the idea to do so, which is what lead to that fight…"

Miz sighed. "Okay, you may have a point."

"Thank you," Punk said. "It was a good fight, though."

"It wasn't bad," Miz agreed.

"I'd have liked more blood," Punk said.

"Why?" Miz asked, wrinkling his nose.

"Blood means injuries and injuries mean holy Pepsi," Punk said.

Miz sighed. "You really do have a one track mind, don't you?"

"I have a very complex mind, thank you very much," said Punk with a sniff.

"Well, all you ever seem to talk about are baptisms and holy Pepsi and straightedge."

"Hello! I'm building an empire!" Punk rolled his eyes. "Of course those things are what you hear about the most, but I do talk about other things, too."

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Miz challenged.

"Um," Punk said. "We talk about wrestling sometimes. You know, when it's on."

"Wrestling is almost always on," said Miz, "but I have yet to hear anyone mention it."

"We mentioned it tonight!"

"Okay," Miz amended. "I seldom hear it mentioned." He got comfortable on the bed, then looked over at his roommate again. "What's Will deal, anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's here pretty much all the time, it seems like."

"Oh." Punk shrugged. "This place has full time staff. They don't just work their forty hours a week and then go home. They live on the premises so they can keep a constant eye on us."

"Hmm," Miz said, scrunching his brow in thought. "So how are we going to get past them?"

"The nurses station is quiet after bed check. They usually go to the staff lounge and watch TV and someone keeps an eye on the monitor in there. You know, watching for anything unusual."

"You know a lot about this, don't you?"

"Yeah," Punk said. "I'm one of the few patients here that's been in the staff quarters."

"Seriously? You've been in the staff quarters? Why?"

Punk shrugged. "They trust me. I've told them I'm not going anywhere and unlike Mark Henry, I don't lie."

"Oh," Miz said. "So I'm going to make a liar out of you?"

"I have to go where the greatest need is," said Punk, "and you and the others need me, like it or not. I'm okay with that."

"Well, I'm glad to hear it."

Punk waved the words away. "So are you going to tell me the plan or not?" he asked.

Miz tossed the key back to Punk, who pocketed it again. "Yeah," he said. "Why not? I think I could use a little help with it, anyway."


	19. Miz And Punk Make Plans

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. Miz Mallows belong to Darkest-Hearts. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 19: Miz And Punk Make Plans

"I'll get Randy to RKO Matt so he turns into Jeff."

"What if he doesn't turn into Jeff?" Punk asked.

"Then I offer him sugar until he does," said Miz. "Anyway, I give Jeff the gum and get him to chew it. When he spits it out, I'll use it to cover the lens of the camera. Then we use the key and get the heck out of this place."

"That's great," Punk said. "Except that we'll still be on the grounds, with no way off."

"Pixie suggested we sneak into the back of the laundry truck, then get out before they check it."

Punk rolled his eyes. "Great plan," he said sarcastically. "Except for the fact that we can't do that, that is."

"Why not?"

"Because they'll check the truck at the gate?" he said. "We'd be better off climbing the fence."

"Isn't the fence topped with razor wire?"

"Yes."

Miz frowned. "Then climbing it is going to hurt a lot. And don't say you'll use holy Pepsi to fix it, either, because it's still going to hurt a lot, and then the Pepsi will make it sting worse."

Punk shrugged. "I may have an alternate way out," he said. "We're using Agnes' key to get through the halls. There's an emergency vehicle in the staff parking lot that never gets checked at the gate, so long as the sirens are blaring."

"Um, won't that alert the staff to the fact that we're escaping?"

"On a normal night, maybe," Punk said, grinning. "But you leave that to me." Miz nodded. "So when are we going?"

"Tomorrow night," Miz said.

"Any reason we're waiting until then?" Punk asked.

Miz paused. "Well," he said, "we were waiting for laundry night…"

Punk said, "Yeah. But it might be easier if we didn't. Laundry nights can be bad."

"Okay," Miz said, "fine by me. We can leave tonight, if it suits you. Can you do whatever you need to do in time?"

"Leave it to me," Punk said again. "It won't take me long to get it done."

%

Miz couldn't talk to the others until after lunch because during the meal, Will watched them like a hawk. Surprisingly, it was a peaceful meal. No fights broke out, no major messes happened, and no one was injured. The inmates retired to the sunroom after they'd eaten to watch TV. Will popped a DVD in for them- some mild comedy that Miz didn't recognize. It felt like they'd all been sedated as the seven of them sat quietly, watching the screen. Finally, Punk leaned over to his roommate and said, "Cover for me. I'll be back in ten minutes." Miz nodded and went back to not watching the TV.

"Where's Hornswoggle off to?" JJ asked.

Miz shrugged. "Probably the bathroom or something."'

JJ nodded. "So when do we hear this plan, Undertaker?"

Miz bit his lip and scanned the room. Will had finally left them alone for the first time since they'd come out of their rooms. "Now, I guess," he said. "I don't know much yet, but we're going tonight. Everyone's meeting in the hall, ten minutes after bedcheck."

"Ten minutes after bedcheck," JJ repeated.

Christian leaned past his roommate to say to Miz, "Ten minutes after bedcheck tonight?"

"Yes," Miz said. "Make sure the others know."

"Will do," Christian said, before he turned to Randy, on the other side of him. "We're going tonight. Meeting in the hall, ten minutes after bedcheck. Pass it on."

A few minutes later, Punk came back and sat down, a smile on his face. "Everything's set."

"Good," Miz said, turning back to the movie. "I can't wait to get out of this place."

"You have enough gum?" Punk asked, and Miz nodded.

"All my stuff's ready," Miz said. "I just need to let the cat know what's going on."

"She's in the hall," Punk said. "I grabbed her before I came back."

"Where'd you go, anyway?"

Punk smirked. "I'll tell you later. It's better you not know this part, just in case the plan fails."

"Sure," Miz said, frowning. "I'll be back." He stood up and headed out into the hall, where the kitten was playing with a random bit of string. Miz scooped up the cat and started walking toward his room.

"About time," the cat muttered.

"We've had a change of plans," Miz said. "We're going tonight."

Pixie bit his hand. "There's no laundry truck tonight."

"Punk said not to worry about it, that he had a plan," said Miz. "Ow. Don't bite me, Pixie. You're as bad as Orton."

The cat purred and leaned against his chest. "I'm still coming with you."

"Yeah. I'm going to put you in my room, so you can come with us. Hide out for the day and I'll grab you before we go."

"Sounds good to me," the cat said.

Miz opened the door to his room and slipped inside. He set Pixie gently on the floor. "See you in a few hours."

Pixie scampered under the bed. "Good. But don't forget to bring me some food from dinner. It's fish night, and I'm starving already. Punk took me out of the kitchen."

"I'll bring you something," Miz promised, as he closed the door. He hurried back to the sunroom and settled between JJ and his roommate again, then turned to Punk. "Why were you in the kitchen?"

Punk smiled. "Just checking on dinner. It's fish night, you know."

"Yeah, Pixie told me." Miz frowned. "I hate fish."

"Maybe we'll stop off and get a burger or something when we're out of here," Punk said.

"Awesome," Miz said.

"Hey, let everyone else know," Punk said. "Don't load up on fish tonight because we're going to go to a burger joint on the outside. In fact, we should all fake sick at dinner, just to be safe."

Miz nodded and turned to JJ. "We're faking sick at dinner, and once we're out of here, we're going to get a burger. Pass it on."


	20. Miz And Punk's Plan, Part One

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Will. Miz Mallows belong to Darkest-Hearts. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 20: Miz And Punk's Plan, Part One

Punk left the sunroom before the rest of them and never came back. Slowly over the course of the rest of the evening, all of them started to complain about not feeling well. By the time dinner rolled around, the seven patients were in their respective rooms, asleep or talking quietly. "This better work," Miz said, as his stomach rumbled. "I'm starving."

"Trust me," Punk said, "it'll work. You just make sure you have your gum ready to go when the time comes and leave the rest to me." Eventually, Miz fell asleep. Punk woke him when bedcheck was over. "Almost time to go," he said. "You ready, Miz?"

Miz was surprised to find that he was nervous. "Yeah, just about ready," he said to Punk. "How long til we meet the others?"

"Just a few minutes. So, any idea where we're headed?"

"Hmm," Miz said. "Not off the top of my head, no. But once we're out of here, we can regroup and figure it out. Someone's got to know something, right?"

"Yeah," Punk said. "But the question is, who?" They fell silent. Punk kept playing with the lighted dial on his watch every so often, checking the time. It was maddening. Finally, after what seemed to Miz like an eternity, Punk said, "All right, let's go."

Miz got out of his bed and nearly tripped over Pixie. "Watch it!" the cat hissed.

"Sorry, Pix," Miz said, scooping the cat up and cradling her in his arms.

Punk reached the door first and pulled it open a few inches. He looked into the hall, then turned to Miz. "Looks clear. You go get Orton and have him RKO Matt. Don't forget the gum."

Miz nodded and grabbed a couple packs of the sugarless gum from the dresser, handed Pixie to Punk, and headed into the hall. Orton saw him coming and pulled the door open, indicating that Miz should step in. "Ready?" Miz asked the Viper.

"Yes," Orton said, smirking in the dim room.

"RKO Matt quick," said Miz. "We don't want a bunch of noise."

"Fine," the Viper said, rubbing his hands together. "Let's go."

The two of them stepped into the hall and headed for Matt's room. Surprisingly, Matt opened the door right away, smiling at the two of them. Behind in in the room, Mark Henry sat quietly, his dark eyes on Matt and the others. "Ready?" Miz asked them, and Mark nodded.

"What do I have to do?" Matt asked.

"Randy's going to tell you," Miz said, stepping aside. Matt smiled at Randy, who smiled back, then RKO'd him. "Ow," Miz muttered. "Jeff?"

Matt sniffled and looked up at Miz. "Yes?"

"How about some gum?"

Matt grinned. "Okay!" He held out his hands, and Miz handed him a pack of gum.

"Chew it all up," Miz said, "and you can have a second pack, too."

Matt stuffed the gum in his mouth and chewed, beaming at Miz. Randy leaned against the wall, smirking. "Yuck," Matt said after about five minutes. "No more flavor."

Miz grabbed some toilet paper out of the bathroom and said to Matt, "Spit it in the toilet paper and then you can have the other pack, okay, Jeff?"

Matt clapped his hands and jumped, excited. "Yay!" He spit the gum in the toilet paper and Miz tried not to gag. There was something so gross about used gum. "More gum!" Matt demanded, and Miz handed it over. He left Matt chewing the gum while he opened the door to the hall and went back to his own room. Punk was still at the door.

"Where's the camera?" Miz asked.

"I'll do that," Punk said. "Give me the gum." Miz traded the cat for the gum and slipped back into his room, where he could watch Punk through the cracked door. It didn't take long. Punk tapped on the other doors as he came back down the hall, alerting the others. Soon, the seven of them were gathered in the hallway. "We should be good," Punk said. "Let's go."

"You've got the key?" Miz asked. Punk held it up. Miz nodded and grabbed a paper bag from next to the door.

"What's that?" Punk asked.

Miz mallows," Miz said. "What? I can't leave them here! I'm their leader! Besides, Mizbert would be heartbroken." Punk rolled his eyes, but led them down the hallway to the door at the end. Miz had seen it, but never paid much attention to it. "Do you know the way out?" Miz asked Punk.

"Put me down," Pixie said, squirming in Miz's arms. "I'll scout up ahead and make sure the coast is clear for you guys."

"Good thinking," Miz said, setting the cat down. "She's going to scout ahead," he told the others.

"Good," Punk said. He took a deep breath. "Ready?" There were nods all around. "Right. Let's go." Punk slid the card through the reader and the door clicked. With one more glance back at the others, Punk pulled the door open and led them through it. Pixie scampered ahead, off to the right. Punk turned to Miz. "I hope she knows where she's going."

"She does," Miz said. "I made sure to tell her."

Punk nodded and the seven of them headed down the hallway after the cat, moving as quietly as possible. Sometime during the time he'd been in his room, Matt had stopped being Jeff and gone back to Matt. Miz was glad, because keeping Matt quiet was much easier than keeping Jeff quiet.

"We're almost there," Punk muttered.

Just then, Pixie skittered around the corner. "Hide!" the cat said. "Someone's coming!"


	21. Miz And Punk's Plan, Part Two

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. Miz Mallows belong to Darkest-Hearts. HB belongs to PowerPeguin, who is not on (yet). As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 21: Miz And Punk's Plan, Part Two

"Hide!" Miz hissed to the others.

Punk looked frantically at the doors. "There!" he said, pointing. They moved as quickly as they could. Punk pulled the door, but it wouldn't budge. He swiped the key and the door clicked open. They flung themselves inside.

"What is this place?" Miz muttered.

"Pill closet," Punk muttered, wrinkling his nose. "No wonder it was locked."

Miz sighed. "It's cramped."

They heard muffled voices in the hallway, followed by silence. Punk eased the door open and let Pixie out. The cat scampered off, then returned a moment later. "Clear," she told Miz.

"Clear," he repeated to the others.

"Good," Punk said, looking around in distaste. "Let's get out of here." He led the others back into the hall and once again, Pixie took the lead, scampering down the hallway towards the exit.

The halls twisted and turned. "How big is this place?" Miz muttered.

"Big enough," Punk said, "to hold the entire WWE plus some."

Miz shuddered. "That's huge. What the heck is going on?"

Punk shrugged. "There's the door," he said, indicating a door that Pixie was sniffing. They could see darkness through the glass.

"Freedom," Miz said with a smile. "I've never been so happy to see a parking lot in my whole life. And that's saying something."

Punk scanned the key card and the door unlatched. He scooped up Pixie and handed her to Miz, then pushed open the door. "Let's go."

Miz hesitated. "What about keys to the ambulance?"

Punk chuckled. "JJ, you're driving. I know all about your misspent youth."

JJ grinned. "I bet they left the keys inside it."

They had. "What kind of an idiot leaves the ambulance unlocked with the keys in it?" Miz wondered, as they piled into the back.

"The kind that are in a hurry," Punk said. "There's not much time. Hurry up." They closed the back doors and JJ started the ambulance, sirens and all. They were rolling!

"Why would they be in a hurry?" Miz asked Punk.

"I'll tell you when we're clear of this place," Punk said. He searched through the items in the back of the ambulance. "Anyone have any ideas where we're headed? We won't be able to keep the ambulance long; they're sure to report it stolen within the hour. Any ideas?"

Christian said, "I've got one."

"Let's hear it," Punk said.

"I've got a friend who's in the area this weekend. If someone could get me to a phone, I can give him a call. He'll get us someplace down the road, where they won't be looking for us."

Miz frowned. "You've had contact with the outside world?"

"No," Christian said.

"Then how do you know your friend is in town? Does he live around here?"

"Let's just say I overheard the information from a reliable source. Can you get me to a phone or not?"

The ambulance slowed and the sirens shut off. "Sh, we're at the gate," Punk said. "This is the moment of truth."

They heard the muffled sound of JJ talking to someone and then the ambulance started to roll again, picking up speed. "We're out?" Miz asked in disbelief.

Matt looked out the back window, then turned to Miz. "Yeah. We're out," he confirmed as the sirens started yet again.

"I can't believe that worked," Miz said.

"Oh, ye of little faith," said Punk. He slid open the window that let him talk to JJ in the front. "Christian says he needs a phone and we need to ditch this ambulance."

JJ grabbed something off the seat and handed it to Punk. "Give that to Rey."

Punk chuckled and said, "Well, here's the phone, Christian. Who are we calling?"

Christian closed his eyes and rattled off a number. Punk dialed it and handed the cell phone to Christian. "Hey, HB," he said into the phone. "It's Christian. Yeah, I know. It's been a long time. So listen, I need a favor. Are you guys still in Connecticut?"

"We're in Connecticut?" Miz asked Punk.

"Yeah. Where did you think we were?"

"No idea," Miz said.

"Great," Christian said into the phone. "Look, some friends of mine and I are kind of stranded and we need a ride. Where's your next venue?" He turned to Miz and Punk. "They're headed west," he said. "Uh huh," he said into the phone. "Okay, cool. We're about twenty miles from there. Sure." He gave the others a thumbs up. "See you in about ten, man." Christian hung up the phone with a grin. "We've got a ride to Pennsylvania, anyway. Someone tell JJ that we need to go to the docks."

"Got it, Rey," JJ said.

"Good," said Christian.

Punk looked thoughtful. "We can ditch the ambulance there, too. Christian, we'd better toss that phone into the ocean when we get there. I don't want anyone tracing that call back to us."

"Got it," Christian agreed, turning the phone off. He handed the phone to Miz. "Better take it apart first, too. I'd do it, but I'd probably lose the important pieces in the ambulance and never realize it."

Miz popped the back off the phone and started dismantling it. "Good point," he said. "Anyone know where we're going after Pennsylvania?"

"Let's not worry about it yet," Punk advised. "Let's just get clear of this place first and then we can think about what we need to do."

They spent the next several minutes in silence, listening to the sounds of the traffic outside and each thinking their own thoughts. Finally, JJ said, "We're at the docks," and the ambulance slowed, then stopped.

They piled out and Miz threw the phone's pieces into the ocean. "Good riddance," he muttered.

"Hey, what's your friend driving, Christian?" Punk asked.

Christian chuckled. "Oh, don't worry. You'll know when he gets here."

Miz was staring at the ocean when Christian's friend arrived. "What the hell is that?" JJ said, causing Miz to turn and stare at the huge bus that pulled up beside them. The side was painted with the word, "Jyipze4!"

The door opened slowly and a guy with long dark hair poked his head out. "Someone call for a ride?" he asked with an amused grin.


	22. Miz Meets Christian's Friends

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie, Annabelle and Ginger. Miz Mallows and Teh D belong to Darkest-Hearts. HB and Jack belong to PowerPeguin, who is not on (yet). As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 22: Miz Meets Christian's Friends

"Good to see you, HB," Christian said. "Well, not that I can see you."

"Put your glasses on," Punk said.

"I hate my glasses," Christian sighed, but he obliged. "Oh, there you are. Nice ride."

"Thanks," said HB. "Come on up, guys." He moved out of the doorway, back into the bus.

Miz turned to Christian. "You know the guitarist from Jyipze4!"

"No," Christian began, "I know…"

He was interrupted by a shout of "Roxas!" and a young woman with red and black hair throwing herself on him in a huge hug.

Christian winced and looked at Miz over her head. "I know the whole band," he finished. "Hey, Teh D, you want to let go? I can't breathe."

Teh D let him go and grinned. "It's been too long. How's Axel?"

"What is she talking about?" Miz asked.

"Uh," Christian said. "Don't ask."

"Anyway, come on," Teh D said. "Ginger's having a fit again." She paused, staring past Christian, her eyes wide. "Oh my God. Is that… C.M. Punk?"

"Yes," Christian said.

Teh D shrieked, making everyone jump. She launched herself at Punk. "What the…?" Punk managed before the girl attached herself to him. "Um."

"Hi!" she said, a huge grin on her face. "I'm Teh D."

"Teddy?" Punk said, confused.

"No," she said. "Teh D. Like The D, but not."

"Oh. Um. Okay." Punk blinked.

"Come on," Christian said to the others. "We don't want to hold them up any longer than we have to."

Teh D finally let go of Punk. "Oops. Yeah." She blushed and bounced back up the steps of the bus. "We'd better get a move on."

The rest of them followed Christian and Teh D onto the bus. "You guys have upgraded since I last saw you," Christian said. He hugged a redhead who stood up from one of the seats.

"Hey," she said. "I couldn't believe it when HB said you called. He's been trying to get ahold of you for weeks."

"I've been out of the loop," Christian admitted, taking a seat. He turned to his fellow inmates. "So, guys, this is Annabelle, and you met HB and Teh D." He paused and indicated the last two band members. "And that's Jack and Ginger."

Jack, a spiky blue and red haired guy, nodded and said, "Yo." Ginger ignored them.

"And these are my friends," Christian said. "This is JJ and…"

"Oh, we know who the rest of them are, Roxas," said Teh D.

"Yeah, they still watch wrestling nonstop," Ginger said sourly, making a face. "I can't believe you guys wanted to stop for this. We have a gig to make." She looked like she probably had a perpetual sour look on her face to Miz. Her hair was pink and dreadlocked and she had one arm in a cast.

"Don't mind Ginger," Annabelle said. "She's a little irritated because she got glitter in her eye, then fell off the stage and broke her arm."

Ginger growled and went to the back of the bus, where there was a privacy curtain. "How'd that happen?" Christian asked.

Jack cleared his throat. "Uh, we were doing Charcoal Trees and I kind of told Teh D that we should put glitter on the drums. I guess Ginger didn't notice until she smacked the drumhead and glitter got in her eye. She let out this awful shriek, jumped up, and tried to run for backstage. Only she ran into me, which meant she miscalculated, and she fell off the stage. The crowd thought she was trying to mosh and… Well, they kind of dropped her."

"Ouch," Christian said, wincing.

"She's been moody ever since," HB said, sitting down next to Christian. "Hey, that reminds me. What was up with you a couple weeks ago?"

"What?" Christian asked, frowning.

"I ran into you in LA and you completely ignored me."

Christian shook his head. "I've been here in Connecticut for the last six months."

"Weird," HB said, "because people were calling that guy Christian and I'd swear it was you. So why have you been in Connecticut for the last six months, and was that an ambulance on the dock?"

Christian sighed. "It's a long story," he said.

"We've got a long night ahead of us," HB replied. "So where are you guys headed, anyway?"

"We don't know yet," Miz said. "That's something we need to discuss."

"It's been a strange few months," Christian told the band members. "I've been in this hospital."

"Hospital?" Jack said. "Are you okay, man?"

Christian shrugged. "Fine. It's more of a… uh… mental place."

"Dude, you've been in a freaking asylum?" HB asked. "That's pretty cool."

"No, it's really not," Christian said. "Anyway, Miz just got there this week…"

"They said you were out injured on Raw," said Teh D. "But you look fine to me." She frowned. "And you've been on Raw since the draft, and were on Smackdown after the end of ECW," she told Christian.

"I've seen the episodes," Christian said. "But believe me, it's not me."

Punk said, "It's an evil alien."

Teh D frowned at Punk. "You think so?"

"Well, how else can he be in two places at once? He's not Jesus like me."

HB glanced at Annabelle. "I guess he's telling the truth about the hospital. Someone is obviously loco."

Annabelle snickered. "That would explain the beard."

"It's not aliens," Miz said suddenly. "I know what it is. They're robots. I saw Cena being worked on."

"Well, that explains a lot, actually," HB said. "So they have robots of all you guys?"

"Except me," Miz said. "Though there's probably one in the works." He frowned. "And JJ. There's not a robot of him, is there?"

JJ sighed. "Of course there is, Undertaker. It's Kane."

"Did he just call you Undertaker?" Annabelle asked Miz.

"JJ gets names scrambled," Christian said. "It's complicated."

Miz turned to JJ. "You have a robot in the WWE?"

"Yeah," JJ said. "The one you saw getting worked on is mine."


	23. Miz Gets Directions

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie, Annabelle and Ginger. Miz Mallows and Teh D belong to Darkest-Hearts. HB and Jack belong to PowerPeguin, who is not on (yet). As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 23: Miz Gets Directions

"Cena?" Miz asked in disbelief. "You're the real Cena, JJ?"

JJ shrugged. "Back before the robots took over, they came to me and asked if I'd like to have a microchip implanted in my head, as well as some… special enhancements. I was supposed to be a man with extra strengths and powers. A sort of cyborg, almost. Except the doctor they had doing the brain surgery nicked something he shouldn't have and… well. Now I scramble up names."

Miz stared at JJ in disbelief. "Now that you mention it," he said, "I do see the resemblance. I've been thinking for days that you remind me of someone, but I couldn't figure out who. Wow. Cena really is a robot. I thought…" He frowned. "They convinced me I was losing my mind."

"They convinced all of us," Christian said quietly. "I saw one of the robots, too, and then Vince had me committed. And now I'm still on TV."

"This is really epic, and scary," Teh D said. "You can't let them get away with this crap."

"How are we supposed to stop them?" Miz asked.

JJ hesitated, then said, "I know someone who has some pull. He's still in the WWE and they're never going to make a robot of him."

"Who is it?" Miz asked.

"Kofi."

"Kofi?" Miz echoed. "Oh. Right. The name thing."

JJ looked frustrated. "He's on the Smackdown brand."

"Well, at least we know which brand we ought to be chasing now," said Christian. "Can someone look up where Smackdown will be this week?"

"I will," Annabelle said. She grabbed a laptop from under her seat and grinned at Christian. "I love having mobile WiFi." She propped it open and surfed to the WWE's site. "Here we go. Smackdown will be in Miami, Florida this weekend."

"Great," Miz said. "At least we have a direction. Thanks."

"Sure," said Annabelle with a shrug. "But you guys are going to have to drive like mad to get there in time."

"If we didn't have a gig, we'd help," said HB regretfully, "but you know how it is."

"It's okay," Miz said. "You guys have already been a huge help, getting us out of Connecticut."

"We're not out yet," HB said.

"No, but we will be soon. And that's more than we had an hour ago."

%

Miz woke up in one of the chairs, feeling slightly stiff from the awkward sleeping position but otherwise okay. "How'd you sleep?" Jack asked him, glancing up when Miz stretched.

"Fine," Miz said. "Thanks."

"The driver says we'll be stopping for breakfast soon."

"Good," Miz said. "I'm starved."

"Yeah." Jack shook his head. "That was some wild story you guys told last night."

"We probably sound crazy."

Jack shrugged. "When you're on the road, you see weird stuff." He paused. "Well, you guys know. You're on the road as much as we are, maybe more."

"Two hundred plus days a year," Miz confirmed. "And yeah, I've seen my fair share of weird stuff. Just not anything quite like the Cena bot." He glanced over the sleeping superstars with a frown, his eyes lingering for a long moment on JJ.

Jack's gaze followed his. "You had no idea who he really was, did you?"

Miz shrugged. "I guess if I was friends with Cena, I might have. But we don't travel in the same circles, usually. In fact, I don't travel in the same circles as any of these guys. They've always been sort of stand-offish with me. I guess now I know why."

Jack chuckled. "In that case, maybe Ginger's a robot. It would certainly explain a lot."

Miz sighed. "At this point, I wouldn't rule it out. Hey, has Christian always been so blind?"

"No. He used to have pretty good eyes. That he's going blind was news to us." The bus pulled into a parking lot and stopped. "Guess we ought to wake the others. Looks like we're at Denny's. Hopefully, we don't get kicked out this time. Last time we went to Denny's, HB and Teh D got into a pancake fight. You have no idea how hard it is to get syrup out of these points." He indicated his hair. "And Ginger was pissed, as usual."

"She's got a really sunny personality, doesn't she?"

Jack smirked. "Probably doesn't help that everyone picks on her as much as possible. Anyway, I'll get the band and you get your guys and we'll meet inside. Cool?"

"Yeah. Thanks." Miz started shaking Punk. "Hey, Punk?"

"What?"

"We're stopping for food. Come on."

Punk stretched. "Where are we?"

"Denny's."

Punk sighed. "No Pepsi, of course."

Just then, Teh D came out of the back of the bus. She handed Punk a can of Pepsi and winked at him. "This is why I always carry my own supply. You never know when you'll need it."

"Bless you," Punk said. "I'm going to make you the straightedge minister of Pepsi procurement and special emergency baptisms."

"Cool," she said with a grin, before she headed down the steps at the front of the bus.

"You'll wake the others?" Punk asked Miz.

"Orton might bite me."

"I always have to do everything myself. Food!" he yelled, and sure enough, the heads of the former patients popped up from where they slept. "Come on, guys. Breakfast is waiting. Christian, please bring your glasses. We don't need another incident."

Christian muttered, "I hate my glasses," but he put them on as soon as JJ handed them over. "Thanks, JJ."

"And Orton, no biting in the restaurant unless it's your food," Punk said.

"Aww," Orton said, pouting. "What if Matt turns into Godzilla and tries to bite me first?"

Punk and Miz exchanged a glance. "You are not to provoke Matt," Miz said, "or you won't have biting or RKO privileges for the rest of the trip."

Orton crossed his arms and glared at Miz. "I don't like traveling with you. You're no fun."

"Keep it up and you won't get pancakes, either," Punk said.

"Yay! Pancakes!" Matt yelled as he rushed past Orton, who innocently stuck his foot out. Matt went sprawling. "Ow!"

"Randy!" Miz said.

"You didn't say I couldn't trip him," said the Viper with a shrug.

Punk said, "He has a point."

"Just try to behave, please?" Miz said. "I don't want anyone calling the police on us today."

"No promises," Orton said.


	24. Miz Goes To Breakfast

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie, Annabelle and Ginger. Miz Mallows and Teh D belong to Darkest-Hearts. HB and Jack belong to PowerPeguin, who is not on (yet). As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 24: Miz Goes To Breakfast

The waitress had to put several tables together to fit the seven wrestlers and the four band members who showed up to breakfast, plus the bus driver. "Hey, where's Ginger?" Christian asked.

"Oops?" HB said, smirking. "Someone must have forgotten to wake her up again."

"She won't eat with us, anyway," Annabelle said with a shrug. "Not since that time we got kicked out of that really nice restaurant."

"Why'd you get kicked out?" Matt asked.

Annabelle glanced toward Teh D, who was pouring cream in the little bowl on the table and Jack, who was adding sugar. "Oh, no reason."

Miz eyed the bowl. "That reminds me. I need to get something for Pixie, too."

"Pixie? Oh, the cat," HB said.

"She talks to Punk and Miz," Matt said, "except all she does is advertise Pepsi."

"Sounds like my kind of cat," Teh D said. "If you could get her to add Kingdom Hearts commercials, she'd be perfect." She nudged Christian. "Right, Roxas?"

Christian rubbed his forehead. "I'm getting a headache."

"I'm a book of poetry," Mark Henry announced, grabbing the bowl that Jack and Teh D had filled with cream and sugar and downing the contents. He even chewed on one of the cream containers that had been left in the bowl.

"Hey!" Teh D said. "I was building that!"

"And it was good. Yum!" Mark reached for the ketchup bottle, but JJ scooted it out of the way.

"Better not, Shawn," he muttered to Mark. "You don't want to be sick."

Christian said, "This is really awkward, guys, but since we just broke out of an asylum, can we pay you back for breakfast later?"

Annabelle said, "Yeah, no problem. We figured you might be a little short. Don't worry about it. You'll just have to put us up next time we're in town."

"Deal," Christian said.

"And take us out to dinner," she added. She glanced at the other band members. "Preferably someplace that you don't care about ever going again."

"Sometimes you're as much fun as Ginger, Annabelle," Jack said.

Annabelle smirked. "Be sure and say that when I've got pancakes in front of me, okay, Jack?"

"Point taken," he muttered.

Their order came surprisingly fast, all things considered, and the wrestlers ate as though they were half starved. "Didn't they ever feed you in that place?" HB asked.

"Never," Mark said.

"They did," JJ said, "but it's been since lunch yesterday since we ate. Hornswoggle had us all skip dinner."

Punk said, "Well, if you wanted to get food poisoning, I could have let you eat."

Miz paused, food halfway to his mouth. "What?"

Punk turned to him. "Oh, did I forget to mention that part? I accidentally caused the fish to go bad. Don't worry, everyone will be fine today."

"How did you make the food go bad?" Teh D asked.

"Duh, I'm Jesus!" Punk said, smiling. "I can smite crops, too. Want to see?"

"Maybe later," Miz said. "I don't think we have time for crop smiting today." He turned to Annabelle. "We should probably part ways soon. I don't want you guys to get dragged into this mess."

"We're not far from where we're going, anyway," Annabelle agreed. She hesitated, then said, "I can rent you guys a car online, if one of you has a license."

"I do," Punk said.

"You do?" Miz asked.

"Of course," Punk said. "I came prepared. What, you thought we were going to walk the whole way or something?"

"Hitchhike, maybe," Miz said.

"That's dangerous," Matt told him.

"Yeah, because someone out there is stupid enough to mug the seven of us," Miz said, rolling his eyes.

"You never know," Punk agreed. "Anyway, it's better if we don't hitchhike."

"Yeah. We can take you guys to a car rental place and get you a minivan or something," Annabelle said. "I'll get full coverage on it, but it'd be better if you didn't wreck it."

"We'll try," Miz said, staring at Mark Henry, who was quietly pouring salt in Matt's hair while Teh D and Jack tried to hide their snickers. "But I'm not sure I can make that promise."

Matt finally brushed at his hair. "What the hell?" he said with a frown, when he ended up with a handful of salt. "What is this?"

"Dandruff?" said Teh D innocently. Jack put his head down on the table to muffle the laughter. As a result, his spikes pointed toward Orton.

"I'll kill you!" Randy screamed suddenly, lunging across the table at Jack. Teh D yelped and fell over in her chair, taking Christian's chair with her. Christian's glasses flew off and hit the table behind them.

"Oh no," Miz moaned, as Orton bit Jack. "Don't worry," he said to the bassist. "He's not really poisonous."

"Ewf oow ahw," Orton said.

"I need Pepsi!" Punk shouted. "Stat!"

"Uh, you have your own can, remember?" Miz said.

"I drank that," said Punk with a shrug.

"What does stat mean, anyway?" Matt asked.

Punk shrugged. "I don't know, but they always say it on doctor's shows and it sounds urgent."

"Can someone get this lunatic off me?" Jack yelled.

"No way," Matt said. "He'll bite me."

Miz sighed. "Orton, what did I say about biting people?"

Orton rolled his eye so he could see Miz. "Awf Woo?"

"You're going to have to let go," Miz said. "We can't understand you."

Orton seemed to consider, then finally released Jack. "I said yes I am poisonous," he told Miz.

"No you aren't," Miz said, and Orton shrugged. "Now what did I tell you about biting?"

"Not to?" Orton asked sheepishly.

"Right," Miz said. "So why did you bite him?"

"He was pointing at me!"

"I wasn't!" Jack said. "Ow! Why are you pouring Pepsi on my leg?"

"It's holy Pepsi," Punk said. "Thank you, Teh D."

"Sure," she said with a grin. "Jack likes Pepsi."

"Yeah," Jack muttered, "but not all over my leg. It looks like the Pepsi dog peed on me. And I wasn't pointing at you, Orton."

"Your hair was," Randy said. "And if it does it again, I will kill it."

Matt helped Christian up. "Where are my glasses?" Christian asked.

JJ sighed and handed them to Christian. "Here, Rey."

Christian slid the glasses on and stared through them in dismay. The lenses were cracked. "Great. Now how am I supposed to see anything?"


	25. Miz Establishes A Hierarchy

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie, Annabelle and Ginger. Miz Mallows and Teh D belong to Darkest-Hearts. HB and Jack belong to PowerPeguin, who is not on here (yet). As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 25: Miz Establishes A Hierarchy

"You hate your glasses," Punk said.

"That doesn't mean I don't need them," Christian said.

"Maybe we can get them fixed?" Miz said.

"That will take forever," Christian said. "I mean, okay, maybe if we go to a mall and find one of those one hour places… but do you really want to take this lot to a mall?"

Miz stared at the chaos, then shook his head slowly. Already the restaurant manager was making his way toward them, clearly intending to throw the band and the wrestlers out. "No, you're right. Plus those places aren't cheap. I guess you'll just have to do without for a while. Once we've got this resolved, we'll replace them."

"Maybe I should get contacts."

"Then you'd look like Edge, with huge bulgy eyes," Punk said.

"You know," Miz said, turning to Punk, "that's pretty cruel. Are you sure you're Jesus?"

Punk said, "Yes, I'm sure. I'm just being honest. Like you don't think his eyes are weird and bulgy. He looks like one of those scary goldfish that can't get the food off the bottom of the tank. I wouldn't be surprised if he was an alien and his eyes were actually on eyestalks. That would make perfect sense." He turned to Christian. "Anyway, contacts are probably out."

The manager finally managed to get past Orton, who was howling in rage and trying to bite one of the waiters. Miz took a deep breath and smiled at the manager, who was puffed up as though to start yelling. "We're going," he said, in his most pleasant voice, in hopes that he could keep the man from making Orton's frenzy worse with raised voices.

The manager paused and stared at Miz. "Okay. I don't want to have to call the cops, but I will."

"Randy," Miz said, "leave the poor waiter alone."

Randy turned to look at Miz. "But…"

"Randy," Miz sighed, and the Viper pouted. "We need to get our group outside."

"I'll do it!" said Mark. "I'm a traffic cop!"

"Finally, he's something useful," Punk said to Miz.

Mark herded the band members and the wrestlers through the door of the restaurant. "He could have been a sheepdog," Miz agreed, "so long as it was one with herding skills."

"I like dogs!" Matt said, as he was herded out the door with the others.

They headed back to the tour bus. "We should do this more often," Annabelle said to Christian.

"We just got kicked out of a Denny's," Christian said.

"Yeah, but we didn't have to pay," Annabelle said with a smirk. "I'm sure they'll bill us or something."

"Are you kidding?" HB said. "I heard the manager say 'Good riddance' when Mark was herding us out. I bet he thinks that meal was a small price to pay to get all the crazy people out of his restaurant."

"I don't know if I've ever been kicked out of a restaurant," said Punk thoughtfully. "Movie theaters, yes. Restaurants? Not that I can recall."

"It happens to us all the time," Jack said. "But it doesn't matter. Back on the bus!" The band got on the bus, and the wrestlers followed, though Miz grabbed Randy's arm and held him back.

"No more biting people, unless you ask me first," Miz said.

"What if you aren't there to ask?" Randy asked.

"Then ask Punk."

"What if Punk is the one I want to bite?"

Miz frowned. "Then ask Christian."

"Can't I just ask Christian anyway? He's more likely to let me bite someone than Punk is."

"I don't want you to draw attention to us, Randy," Miz said. "We're being sneaky, remember."

"All right," said Randy with a sigh. "I will try to remember to ask you first. But if you're asleep and I can't find Christian or Punk, then I'm going to bite someone."

"I guess that will have to be good enough," Miz agreed. "Fine."

"Can I bite someone when we're on the bus?" Randy asked.

"No. I think you've hit your biting quota for the day."

"If I go to sleep on the bus, can I bite someone when I wake up?"

Miz sighed. "Maybe. Although if you keep asking me questions like that, the person you bite may have to be yourself."

Randy looked thoughtful. "That's not as much fun as it sounds."

"It sounds fun?"

"Sometimes," said Randy with a shrug.

"You know, Orton," Miz said, "just when I think I've hit the bottom of the weirdness barrel, you say something like that."

"You're welcome," Orton said. "But can we get on the bus now? I need to get some sleep so I'll be ready to bite again as soon as possible."

"By all means," Miz said, releasing Randy's arm and letting the Viper get onto the bus. Miz hesitated a moment longer, his eyes on the restaurant, so he saw the manager shake his fist at the tour bus. "Terrific," he muttered.

"Hey, come on, Miz," Teh D said, bounding down the steps. "Ginger's awake and she's in a foul mood. You can help me poke her with sticks."

"Wouldn't that require sticks?"

Teh D grinned. "Yep. That's why I grabbed some from that pointy stick pile over there." She pointed to a very thorny shrub. "This is going to be so awesome. Ginger doesn't stand a chance this time!"

"You'd better do as she says," Pixie said, from the top step. The cat yawned, then looked at Miz. "She seems perfectly willing to poke you with a stick if you don't."

"Oh, well," Miz said, blinking. "In that case, it sounds fun. Count me in."


	26. Miz Gets Transportation

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie, Annabelle and Ginger. Miz Mallows and Teh D belong to Darkest-Hearts. HB and Jack belong to PowerPeguin, who is not on here (yet). As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 26: Miz Gets Transportation

"Are you sure we can't take you any further?" Annabelle asked when, two towns over from the Denny's, Miz asked the band to help them rent a minivan. "We're still pretty far from where we're going."

"I'm sure, but thank you," Miz said. "You've been very helpful, and I don't want anyone else to get bit by Randy." He eyed the Viper, who was "sleeping", though Miz caught him peeking through an open eye at least twice in the last ten minutes.

Annabelle shrugged. "We've had worse happen. But if you're sure…"

"Positive," Miz said. "We don't want you guys to miss your gig because of us. Plus," he said, lowering his voice, "I think Ginger is going to try and kill someone, and I'd rather it wasn't me."

HB sighed. "I keep telling Jack and Teh D not to poke her with any more sticks, but they don't listen."

"Of course they're not going to listen," Annabelle said, "when you're the one that taught them to poke her with sticks."

"That may not have been my best idea ever," HB agreed.

"Anyway," Annabelle said, "we'll take you to the car rental place and you can take off."

"Thanks," Miz said. "I think that will be for the best." He shook his head as Randy looked up hopefully and made a biting motion with his hand. The Viper shrugged and closed his eyes again.

%

Punk and Annabelle went to rent the car alone. Miz would have gone, but it would have required taking the Viper with him, and the less people who were exposed to Orton, the better. It took about twenty minutes, but Punk finally returned with the keys to an SUV. "They didn't have any minivans?" Miz asked.

"What am I, a soccer mom?" Punk asked. "Besides, this will seat everyone and it has four wheel drive."

"Why do we need four wheel drive?"

"Because it's best to be prepared."

"For what?" Miz asked.

"Everything. Which reminds me. We need to stop off and get some Pepsi."

"If I let you get some Pepsi, you have to promise you're not going to try and baptize anyone in the car."

"Fine," Punk muttered. "But can I heal Christian's eyes in the car?"

"No!" Christian said.

"You heard the man," Miz said to Punk. "No healing Christian's eyes in the car."

"I'll do it while he's asleep," Punk said. "He won't feel a thing."

"No," Miz said. "Sorry, Punk."

"If he's getting Pepsi, I want root beer," Christian said. "I don't want to drink Pepsi this trip. I don't even like Pepsi."

"Blasphemy!" Punk said.

"You try having it dumped over your head and poured into your eyes and see how you feel about it!" Christian told Punk.

"It's the holy drink," Punk retorted. "That's how I feel about it."

"It's fine," Miz said. "We'll get Christian some root beer."

"Hmph. I don't want him drinking my holy Pepsi, anyway. It would be wasted on someone like him."

"Okay," said Miz, "now that we've got that settled…"

"I can't believe you said you don't like Pepsi," Punk said to Christian.

"Well, I don't!" Christian said.

Miz sighed. "Can you argue about this in the car? I'd like to get on the road."

"Who's arguing?" Punk said. "We're having a polite discussion about why this heathen said that terrible thing."

Miz took the keys from Punk and unlocked the doors to the SUV. "Everybody in! No, Matt, you sit up front with Punk."

Matt said, "Great! I like being up front!"

Punk took back the keys. "Are you mad at me or something?" he asked Miz.

"What? No. What makes you think that?"

"Matt?" He indicated the front seat.

"I'm trying to keep him and JJ separated so we don't have to deal with Matthew or Godzilla," Miz said.

"I suppose," Punk said. "But maybe next time, you should put JJ up front."

"Then who will keep an eye on Christian?" Miz asked.

Punk sighed. "Why does anyone have to keep an eye on him? If he'd just let me heal his eyes…"

"No!" Christian shouted from the back of the SUV. "Not happening, Punk!"

Miz raised his eyebrows at Punk. "That's why," he said. "Hey, if you happen to see a place that sells snacks, we should stop and get the Pepsi and root beer and something to munch on. And we need a map. It's going to be a long trip."

"We'll get the snacks and stuff," Punk said, "but we don't need a map. The rental car place threw in a GPS unit."

"They did? Why?"

Punk shrugged. "I mentioned that it was going to be a long trip and we had no idea where we were headed, and the guy said for a couple extra dollars a day, we could rent a GPS. So I did."

"Oh. Good thinking, Punk."

"Thanks," Punk said, smiling. "I'd rather not be lost with you idiots any longer than I have to be. We may not be entirely clear on who we're looking for or how they can help us, but that doesn't mean we ought to be wandering around lost like the Israelites in the desert, does it?"

"No, probably not."

"Besides, I'm sure my dad will guide us when we need it. I mean, he's the one who suggested the SUV, and the guy throwing in the GPS was an act of God if ever I've seen one. And believe me, I've seen plenty of them."


	27. Miz Goes To Wal Mart

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 27: Miz Goes To Wal Mart

Once everyone was seatbelted in, Punk put "Wal Mart" into the GPS and they hit the road. As luck would have it, the nearest Wal Mart was five miles, and it was in the direction they'd planned to head, anyway. "Maybe we should make a list of what we need from Wal Mart," Miz said.

"Good idea," Christian said. "So what do we need?"

"Tanner," Orton said immediately.

"What?" Miz said. "Tanner? Why do we need tanner?"

Orton shrugged. "I haven't had tanner in months, and it makes me happy. I don't bite people when I'm happy."

"Okay then," Miz muttered. "Tanner."

"Maybe you'd better write this down, Undertaker," JJ suggested.

"My handwriting's terrible," Miz said. "Even I can't read it."

"Then I'll write it down," JJ said. "Someone give me some paper and a pen."

"Here," Matt said, handing a piece of paper and a pen to Miz, who passed it to JJ.

"Thanks," JJ said. "Tanner for Beth. What else?"

"Punk wants Pepsi, and Christian wants root beer," Miz said.

"Pepsi for Hornswoggle and root beer for Rey," JJ said as he wrote something down. "Anything else?"

"Snacks," Miz said. "And I'd still like a map, even though we have a GPS."

"Can't be too trusting of technology these days," Christian agreed. "After all, look where it's gotten us."

"Yeah," Miz said.

"I'm the Eastern bunny!" Mark said.

"Um, don't you mean the Easter bunny?" Matt asked.

Mark turned to look at Matt. "Don't be silly. Does it look like Easter out there to you?"

"No?" Matt said, blinking.

"Right, and the Easter bunny only shows up at Easter. I'm his east coast cousin, the Eastern bunny. I'm cooler than the Western bunny, no matter what that California hopper says."

"Okay then," Matt said, glancing at Punk, who shrugged. He looked back at Mark and smiled. "Is it crazy in here, or is it just you?"

"I think it's all of us," Mark said seriously. "Why do you ask?"

"Just checking," Matt said.

"We're here," Punk said, as he pulled into Wal Mart's parking lot.

"Okay," Miz said. "I don't want anyone to get lost. Matt, you and Mark stay with Punk. Orton's with me, and Christian, and you JJ stay together. We'll meet at the checkout lines in about twenty minutes."

"Got it," Christian said.

They piled out of the SUV, and Punk glared at Miz before chasing after his charges, who were already on their way into the store. "I don't know what he's so angry about," Miz muttered. "I've got the one that bites."

The Viper yawned. "I don't feel like biting anyone right now," he said. "But Mark's probably going to hop through the whole store and if Matt gets too close to the candy aisle, Punk's going to be dealing with Jeff."

"Good point," Miz said. "Maybe we ought to help Punk keep an eye on them."

"I might RKO Matt," said Randy. "Are you willing to risk it?"

"Maybe," Miz said. "Do you think you're going to RKO Matt?"

Randy shrugged. "Depends on how annoyed I get."

"Are you annoyed right now?"

"Not too much."

"Then I'll risk it," Miz said. "Come on."

Randy shrugged and followed Miz into Wal Mart. They caught up with Punk, Mark and Matt in the pet department. "Hey," Punk said.

"Hey," Miz said back. "Um, why are you in the pet department?"

Punk indicated Matt, who had his nose pressed against one of the fish tanks. "When we walked in, he saw all the sugar and went Jeff on me. He wanted to see the fish, so I said I'd bring him."

"Where's Mark?"

"Getting the Pepsi. Why?"

"You let him go by himself?" Miz asked.

"It was that or drag a screaming Jeff through the store," Punk said, "and I'm not doing that again."

"Again?" Miz echoed.

"We had this field trip a couple months ago," said Punk with a shudder. "Don't make me relive it. It was awful."

"Oh?" Miz asked, turning to Randy.

"I thought it was a fun trip," the Viper said.

"You were sedated and had six hospital staff members as your buddy. I had a sugared up version of Jeff," Punk said.

Miz glanced past Punk to Matt. "Um, he's leaving nose prints on the glass."

"Small price to pay," Punk muttered.

"Can I have a fishy? Pleeease?" Matt asked.

"Not right now," Miz said. "Where would we keep it?"

"I'll hold it in my lap!" Matt said.

"What about the cat, though?" Punk asked.

Matt pouted. "It's your stupid cat! It tried to bite me! I want a fish!"

"Hey, look who we found," Christian said, as he and JJ found the others. They were followed by Mark, who was pushing a shopping cart full of Pepsi, root beer, potato chips and tanner. "He was wandering around the drink aisle by himself."

"I've got Jeff," Punk said, indicating Matt, who was trying to capture a fish with his bare hands. "Jeff! No! Knock that off!"

Matt pouted. "But I just want a small fish! I'll take care of it, I promise!"

"That's what you said the last time, and what happened?" Punk asked.

"What did happen?" Miz asked Christian.

"I don't know," Christian said with a frown. "I don't think anything did."

Matt pouted. "My fish ran away. But that won't happen this time, I promise!"

"It ran away?" Miz asked Punk, who shrugged.

"I'll feed it and hug it and name it Betsy! Please?"

Miz sighed. "How much harm can he do with a betta?"

"Are you serious?" Punk asked.

"Yeah. Hey, Jeff, you can have a fish, but only if you pick one of the ones on that shelf over there, okay?"

"Yay!" Matt said, rushing to the shelf to stare at the bettas. "Which color can I get?"

"It doesn't matter to me," Miz said. "You pick. But you're going to have to take care of it."

Matt bit his lip and stared at the fish on the shelf before quietly selecting a blue one. "Can I name it Betsy?"

"Sure, but it's a boy," Miz said.

"I don't care. His name is Betsy!" Matt said.

"Betsy it is," Miz said. "Put him in the cart and let's go."


	28. Miz Avoids Trouble

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 28: Miz Avoids Trouble

"But I want to hold Betsy," Matt said, pouting.

"Fine," Miz said. "But don't drop the cup or you're going to kill him."

"Yay!" Matt said, hugging the cup to his chest.

Punk rolled his eyes. "We don't have enough to worry about. You had to let him get a fish."

"Hey," Miz said, "if it makes him happy…"

"Why not just buy him a puppy?" Punk asked.

"I'm getting a puppy?" Matt said.

"No," Punk told him. "A puppy would be too much for you. Be glad you're getting a fish."

Matt pouted. "But I want a puppy."

Miz said, "You can get Betsy or you can put him back. Those are your choices, Jeff."

Matt hugged the cup holding the fish so hard that the lid threatened to pop off. "You're not taking Betsy away from me!" he said.

"Hey, be careful," Miz said. "You're going to hurt Betsy. If you can't be careful, you're going to have to put the fish in the cart."

"I'll be careful!" Matt said, bouncing.

"Yeah," Punk muttered, "this is going to end well for that poor fish."

"Did you get my tanner?" Randy asked Mark.

"Yep!" Mark pointed at the cart. "I got extra bronze!"

"Good," Randy said, staring into the cart thoughtfully. "I might not hurt anyone today."

"You'll have to put it on later," Miz said. "And not in the car. That stuff stains like crazy." He frowned. "Maybe we should buy some towels so that Randy doesn't stain the seats."

"Ha ha!" Matt said. "Randy's going to stain the seats, but not me, 'cause I'm potty trained!"

"We'll see how potty trained you are when I RKO you," Randy said.

"Randy, don't threaten Jeff," Miz said.

"Yeah, or Betsy will bite you!" Matt said, his eyes wide. "And eat your hands off! I'm going to train him to be an attack fish, and he's going to attack you, Randy!"

"Well, that will take a while," Randy said, "and I can have him eaten in six seconds flat. So you tell me who wins in that match, Jeff."

Matt's eyes got huge and he let out a sniffle. "Oh no," Punk moaned.

"You… you're going to… to eat my fish?" Matt asked, tears in his eyes.

"Maybe," Randy said. "If I can find some tartar sauce to go with him."

"Nooo!" Matt screamed, flinging himself at Punk. "Don't let Randy eat Besty!"

"It's okay," Punk said, patting Matt's back and glaring at Randy.

"I could RKO you," the Viper said conversationally.

"And I could smite you," Punk said back. "Miz, you want to control Orton?"

Miz sighed and pulled Randy aside. "Did you have to do that?" he asked.

"Do what?" Randy said.

"Upset Jeff. He was doing just fine until you threatened to eat his fish."

"Well, he shouldn't have threatened to sic his fish on me, should he?"

Miz shook his head. "He's just a kid, Randy. He has no idea what he's saying. But you're an adult and you know better."

"That doesn't mean I'm not going to say what I'm thinking," Randy said.

"Could you try to be nicer while he's Jeff, at least?"

"Why?"

Miz gave Randy a frustrated look. "Because!" he said.

"Well, not if you're not going to give me a better reason than that, no."

Miz took a deep breath. "Because it will make everyone's life easier if you're not tormenting him. Is that better?"

"Yes," Orton said. "See? Was that so hard?"

"It was a pain," Miz said. "But please, be nice to Jeff. Maybe you could go apologize? We're never going to get out of here if you don't."

"Fine," Randy said with a sigh. He walked back to where Punk was trying to comfort Matt. He was nearly calm, down to just sniffles when Randy walked up. "Hey, Jeff," he began.

"Argh! No!" Matt screamed, clinging to Punk so hard that he nearly toppled the both of them.

"Ack!" Punk said. "Miz, help!"

"I'm just trying to apologize," Randy said. "I'm not going to eat your fish, okay? I'm sorry I said that."

"You are?" Matt asked, sniffling.

"Yes," Randy said.

"And you're not just saying that so I'll let my guard down and you can steal Betsy and eat him?"

"Heh," Randy said. "That sounds like something I'd do, all right, but no. I really mean it."

"Yay!" Matt said. He let go of Punk and launched himself at the Viper. He hit Randy full force and they tumbled to the floor.

"Ow," Randy muttered. "Can I bite him now?" he asked Miz.

"No." Miz frowned. "Hey, where's Betsy?" he asked Punk.

Punk said, "In the cart." He turned. "Uh, where's the cart?"

"Where are Mark, Christian and JJ?" Miz asked.

"Uh oh," Punk said. "That can't be good, can it?" He was looking down the aisle to where a bunch of security people were gathering.

"No," Miz sighed, "it can't."

"Can you two idiots get Jeff off me?" Randy asked. "I'm about to suffocate."

Miz and Punk helped first Matt then Randy up. "Hey, maybe you'd better keep an eye on these two," Miz said, "and I'll go see what all the commotion's about?"

"As fun as that sounds," Punk said, "I don't think we should be separated at this point. What if you can't come back for us?"

"You've got the keys," Miz pointed out.

Punk shrugged. "Yeah, but JJ is the one who knows who we're looking for, and what if you need us? I do have some serious connections upstairs, you know."

"Yeah," Miz sighed. "I know. Okay, come on. But everyone be cool. We don't know that that has anything to do with Christian, Mark and JJ."

"What else could it be?" Punk asked. "You've got crazy people loose in Wal Mart, and you think the boatload of security is gathering for some other reason?"

"I hope they are," Miz said.


	29. Miz And The Mess

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 29: Miz And The Mess

Miz crept closer to the ruckus, trying to see what it was that was causing security to gather. "Well, this is annoying," Randy said from his left. Miz glanced that way and had to choke back a laugh. Matt had Randy's hand and was swinging it and humming. Miz glanced at Punk, who was pointedly ignoring them, a weird look on his face. "Can you make him let go?"

"It's probably best that he holds someone's hand," Miz said, when he could talk without cracking up.

"Fine, but does it have to be my hand?" Randy asked. "Punk's supposed to be watching him. Make Punk hold his hand."

"No way," Punk said, still looking toward the gaggle of security. "It's probably still sticky from when he was trying to get himself a candy bar up front."

Randy's face contorted. "Get me loose," he growled to Miz, "before I start hurting people."

Miz sighed. "Hey, Jeff, why don't you come hold my hand?"

"Because I wanna hold Randy's hand. We're friends!"

Randy glared. "I'll fix this," he said. "Drew!"

Matt went still. He looked down at his hand, joined with Randy's. "What the hell are you up to?" he asked, raising his eyes to meet the Viper's.

"Oh, great," Punk muttered. "Now we've got Matthew."

Matt jerked his hand away from Randy. "Where are we?"

"Wal Mart," Miz said. "Matthew?"

"What?" Matt asked, turning to look at Miz. "Oh, it's you again."

"Yep, it's me," Miz said. "You guys hang back. I'm going to go over there and see what's going on. I just hope I don't have to try and get past those security guys. They look ticked." As luck would have it, he didn't have to get past them. When he was within earshot of them, he could also hear JJ and Christian, yelling at Mark.

"Come on, knock that off, Shawn!" JJ yelled. "Do you want to get arrested?"

"I'm a bulldozer!" Mark screamed, and Miz winced when he heard a crash. He managed to catch a glimpse of Mark Henry, slamming the cart into the nearest aisle.

"Mark, come on!" Christian said. "This isn't funny." Christian was yelling in Miz's direction. Miz could see that he had Besty's cup in his hands, and the fish was swimming blissfully in the blue-green water.

"Sir!" one of the security guys said. "Sir! Please stop damaging store property."

"Go subdue him, Bob," said another security guard.

"Are you joking?" the first one said in disbelief. "Look at that guy. He's freaking huge!"

"Rrr!" said Mark, slamming the cart into the aisle again and knocking cans and boxes to the floor. A mess was spread across several feet, including exploded soda cans.

"My Pepsi!" Punk said, suddenly catching a glimpse of what was going on. "Mark Henry!" He stormed past the security guards, who Miz had expected to do something- maybe stop Punk? They stared after Punk, mouths agape, as he marched up to Mark and started to yell. "I should do a Go To Sleep on you right here and let them arrest you! How dare you spill Pepsi! Innocent Pepsi!" He picked up a can from the floor, moaning. "And you killed it!" He shook the can at Mark, showering the other man with drops from the decimated can. "Now you apologize and you help them clean this up right now!"

Mark blinked at Punk, a frown forming on his face. "You can't talk to me like that. I'm a bulldozer. Rr."

"Oh yeah?" Punk said, eyeing the bigger man. "Well, I'm Jesus, and that trumps a bulldozer. So you do as I say, right now!"

Mark stared down at Punk for a long moment, before turning to security. "I'm sorry," he said, very softly.

"They didn't hear you," Punk said.

"I'm sorry!" Mark shouted, causing the security team to back up about three steps. "I'll clean this up and it won't happen again!"

"You can quit shouting," Punk said. "You're giving me a headache."

"Betsy!" Matt yelled, launching himself at Christian.

"Oh, good, he's Jeff again," Randy muttered, coming to stand next to Miz. "That didn't even last long enough for me to get in a fight with him this time."

Miz patted the Viper's shoulder. "Maybe next time."

Christian relinquished the fish to its rightful owner rather than be tackled. "Maybe we should help Mark?" he said to JJ.

"He'll never learn his lesson that way," Punk said. "And anyway, you'd probably hurt yourself, since you can't see anything."

Christian sighed. "I suppose you're right. I guess we need to get everything again?"

"Not everything," Miz said. "Thanks for keeping Betsy safe."

"Is that what that was?" Christian said. "JJ handed it to me and said I'd better not drop it or Matt would be upset."

JJ said, "I grabbed it off the cart right before Shawn ran it into the shelf. I figured no one wanted to explain to him," he indicated Matt, "why he couldn't have the fish."

"Yeah," Miz agreed, watching with the others as Mark picked up the cans and boxes. Security seemed at a loss on how to handle the situation. Finally one of them approached Punk.

"That was pretty cool," the guy finally said. "How did you do that?"

"You just have to know how to talk to him when he's a bulldozer," Punk said with a smile.

"Is he a bulldozer often?"

"Often enough," Punk agreed.

"Okay then." The guy nodded, then walked back to his buddies. Miz overheard him say, "I think they're all wackos."

"We are," Miz said with a sigh. "JJ, why don't you get us what we need, and then we can get out of here? I think we've overstayed our welcome."

"All right," JJ said. "Come on, Rey. You can push the cart."


	30. Miz Deals With A Crisis Of Faith

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Also? You guys ROCK! I love writing this story, but the reviews totally make my day. I'm so glad my weird little story has found an audience.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 30: Miz Deals With A Crisis Of Faith

It didn't take JJ and Christian long to return with a new case of Pepsi, root beer and potato chips. By then, Mark had as much of the mess cleaned up as he could get without a mop and a broom. He looked to Punk, who nodded. The store manager had arrived once security had dispersed, and he was glaring disapprovingly at Mark. "Is he with you?" he finally asked Punk.

"Nope," Punk said innocently. "Never seen him before today."

"Punk!" Miz said.

Punk turned to Miz. "Think about it," he said, so low that the manager couldn't hear. "If we say he's with us, they aren't going to let us buy the Pepsi."

Miz muttered, "That's so not cool." He turned to the manager. "He's with me. I'm so sorry. He's normally on medication, but he ran out. We were here to pick up more."

"I want him out of my store," the manager said, eyeing Miz. "And I don't want him to ever come back."

"He won't, I swear," Miz said. "Come on, Mark."

"Can I go, too?" Matt asked.

"Sure. We have to buy your fish first."

"Yay! Betsy!" Matt held the cup up, then grabbed Mark's hand. "See Betsy?"

The manager shot them another dirty look, and Miz added, "They both need medication."

"Whatever. Just get out of my store."

"Now we can add being kicked out of Wal Mart to the list," Punk muttered. He led them through the store to the checkouts, where he paid for the fish and the snacks. "Thank dad that's done."

Miz chuckled. "It was sort of fun, though."

"No it wasn't!" Punk said. "I hate taking Jeff to the store. He always wants something."

"You wanted Pepsi," Miz pointed out.

"That's different! It's a sacred part of my religion. Jeff wanted a stupid fish."

"Betsy is not stupid!" Matt said, pouting.

"Just be glad he settled on a fish and not something more… sweet," Miz said.

Punk sighed. "You're right." He turned to look at Mark. "No more bulldozers in the store. Ever. You're lucky they didn't arrest you."

"They can't arrest me," Mark said with a smile. "I'm Jesus."

Punk stopped and glared at Mark. "You are not Jesus! I'm Jesus!"

"We can both be Jesus," Mark said.

"No we can't!"

"I like pouring coke on people," Mark said.

"Argh!" Punk yelled. "It's Pepsi, you blasphemer! You… Don't… I can't even…" He turned to Miz. "You know what? You deal with him!" And with that, he stormed off to the SUV.

"Wait!" Mark called after him. "My fellow Jesus, wait!"

Randy looked thoughtful. "Do you want me to try RKOing him to see if he'll stop?"

"Mark?" Miz asked.

"I meant Punk," said Randy with a shrug, "but okay, I guess I could try RKOing Mark."

Miz shook his head. "We shouldn't have to resort to violence to solve this."

"Why not? It's fun."

"Jesus!" Matt said, flinging his arms around Mark. Miz had a moment where he couldn't find the fish and his heart nearly stopped, but then he saw that JJ had it.

"Jesus doesn't like you, Jeff," said Mark seriously. "You have sticky hands."

"Nooo!" Matt wailed.

Miz turned to Mark. "Be nice, or he'll be Matthew again."

Mark's eyes got wide. "Uh, Jesus doesn't like you because he LOVES you. That's what I meant to say." He frowned at Miz. "Better?"

"Much," Miz agreed.

"This Jesus thing is harder than it looks," Mark said. "I don't want to be Jesus anymore. I'll leave it to Punk."

"Yay!" Matt said, clinging to Mark. "But you still have to love me 'cause I'm Jeff and I'm cute!" He beamed at Mark, who looked to Miz for confirmation of this fact. Miz sighed.

"Hey, Jeff," he said, "where's Betsy?"

"Betsy?" Matt asked, looking around. "Oh no! He ran away!"

JJ held up the cup. "He's right here, Dr- Err, little guy."

"Yay!" Matt grabbed the cup, almost causing JJ to drop it. "Betsy, you naughty fishy! You can't run away from me 'cause I'm going to teach you to be an attack fish, and then you can bite people, but not Randy, 'cause he won't like it and he said if you bite him, he'll bite you back as long as there's arter sauce."

"Tartar," Miz corrected, shooting a look at Randy.

"Tartar," Matt repeated carefully. "Like the yucky stuff that gets on your teeth when you don't brush. Ew! Randy doesn't brush his teeth and he makes sauce from the yucky gunk!"

Randy said, "Are you sure I can't RKO him?"

"Hey," Miz said, "he's still a hundred times better than Godzilla."

"That depends on what it is Godzilla's doing," Christian said. "If he's stomping on your spare pair of glasses, for instance, he's bad. But if he's keeping a certain Viper from trying to bite people…" He glared at a random parked car. "Then I'll take Godzilla."

"I'm over here, Christian," Randy said, amusement in his tone. "And though Godzilla may be distracting, I always get back to who I intended to bite eventually. That being said, I do believe I owe all of you a bite or three."

"What?" Miz said with a frown. "No. You're not biting anyone today."

"You know, if you don't let me bite someone soon, I'm going to stop letting you be in control of my anger management," Randy said.

"Duly noted," Miz said. "Now get in the car so we can find you someone that deserves to be bit."

"That's a much better goal than whatever we came to Wal Mart for," the Viper agreed.


	31. Miz Charts A Course

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 31: Miz Charts A Course

"Where to now?" Punk asked, when they were back at the SUV. He paused to glare at Mark. "And he'd better not be saying he's Jesus still, or I'm leaving him here."

"No, no," Mark said. "There's only one Jesus in this car, and that's you, Punk."

"Well, it's about time someone said it," Punk muttered. He turned to glare at Matt, who shrank back into his seat and held Betsy close. "Where to, Miz?"

Miz said, "Florida."

"Could you be a little more specific?" Punk said. "It's kind of a big state."

"Miami," Miz said. "Is that specific enough, or do you need more?"

"I assume they're going to be at the same arena they're always at," Punk said. "Do you think we have time to make it?"

"Maybe," Miz said. "We're going to have to drive like crazy, though. No more stops."

"Not even to pee?" Matt asked, his eyes huge.

"Well," Punk said, eyeing Matt. "Okay, we can stop for that, and maybe for food later, when the snacks run out, but other than that, no stopping! Don't even ask me to stop and see the world's biggest ball of yarn or whatever."

"But what if Betsy wants to see it?" Matt said.

"Then Betsy should buy us airline tickets so we don't miss Smackdown," Punk said.

Matt stared at the fish for a long moment. "Betsy says he's secretly a millionaire fish and he will pay for our plane tickets, but only if you're nice to him."

"So I guess that's out, then," Miz said, smirking at Punk. "Because Punk being nice to Betsy is not going to happen."

"Shut up," Punk said. "I could be nice if I wanted to."

"I stand by my original statement," Miz said.

Punk glared, then started the SUV. "Like the fish has money for plane tickets, anyway. I bet he doesn't. I'm Jesus; I know these things."

"He does so have money!" Matt said.

"If he had money, then why did we have to buy him?" Punk asked. "Why didn't he just buy himself?"

Matt stared at Punk. "Um, because he's a fish, duh! He needs someone to carry him around and do his bidding! Also, what part of _secret_ millionaire didn't you understand?"

"I'll be honest," Punk said. "It was the millionaire part."

"Whatever the reason," Miz said, "Betsy isn't buying us plane tickets, so we have to drive. Does the actual reason why really matter?"

"I'm trying to get to the bottom of a mystery," Punk said.

"What mystery?" Miz said. "It's a fish, Punk. Fish don't talk."

"Oh, but the cat and your silly marshmallows do?" Matt said.

Miz sighed. "Yes. Don't ask me why, but they do."

Mark said, "I'm thirsty. I'm going to get a drink. Does anyone want one?"

Miz frowned, glancing at Punk, who shrugged. "Sure," Miz said. "We could probably all use something."

"I'm a can opener!" Mark announced as he popped the top on a soda.

"Yeah, that makes sense," Miz said, before turning back to the argument between Punk and Matt.

"When Betsy becomes an attack fish," Matt was saying, "I'm going to have him bite your feet off!"

"They'll just grow back," Punk said with a shrug. "So it's kind of pointless, isn't it?"

"But it'll hurt."

"Maybe so…" Mark handed Miz a can of Pepsi. "Hey, can I have that?" Punk asked.

"Sure," Miz said, handing it over. "What do you want to drink, Jeff? Pepsi or root beer?"

"Root beer!"

Miz shrugged and handed over the can of root beer that Mark passed him. He took a Pepsi from Mark for himself. "How long is it going to take to get to Miami, do you think?"

Punk glanced at the GPS. "Looks like twenty two hours if we drive straight through. With breaks, two days, easy."

Miz nodded. "I guess that will have to be good enough. What day is it again?"

"Friday," Christian supplied.

"And they're going to be in Miami on Tuesday, right?" Miz asked.

"That's what the website said," JJ said.

"So we've got four days to make a twenty plus hour drive. I guess we don't have to rush that much, after all."

"So we can stop and see the ball of yarn?" Matt asked. "Betsy got excited when you mentioned it."

Miz said, "Why don't we play it by ear? The sooner we get to Miami, the better. We still have to find somewhere to lie low, and if we can find the superstars at their hotel instead of the arena, we may be better off. Some of them will probably get in early…"

"Betsy says he's willing to skip going to see the ball of yarn if we can go to Seaworld," Matt said. "His cousin works the Shamu show there."

"That's in Orlando," Punk said. "We're going to Miami, Jeff."

"But it's his cousin, Punk!"

"First of all," Punk said, "any cousin of Betsy's that's working the Shamu show is probably a Shamu snack because Betsy is a betta and the whales in the Shamu show are… well, whales. And secondly…"

"Nuh uh!" Matt said.

Punk sighed. "Miz? Help?"

"We'll see about Seaworld."

"Yay!" Matt said.

Punk glared. "That wasn't the kind of help I was looking for."

"Next time, be more specific," Miz said. "Besides, it's on the way. What could it hurt to stop?"

Punk gave Matt a pointed look before saying to Miz, "Have you forgotten what happened at Wal Mart?"

"I guess I did," Miz said. "But come on, that was a one time thing."

"And Denny's?" Punk added.

"Twice in a lifetime?" Miz said.

"Every meal we've ever had together at the hospital?"

"Okay, so it's a terrible idea!" Miz said. "At least it'll make Jeff happy."

"If he's still Jeff."

Miz took a sip of his Pepsi. "It's worth considering, anyway," he said.


	32. Miz Has A Problem

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 32: Miz Has A Problem

Two hours into the drive, Punk said, "I don't feel well."

"What's the matter?" Miz asked.

"I don't know," Punk said. "Maybe I shouldn't have had those chips. I think they're cursed."

"It's probably because we're eating grease and drinking soft drinks," Christian said. "That's not good for you."

"I'm a hamster," Mark said sleepily.

Miz frowned at Mark, then turned to look at Christian. "Maybe we ought to stop somewhere and get some real food?"

"I see a McDonald's up ahead," Punk said.

Miz said, "I said _real_ food."

"Ha ha," Punk muttered. "I don't like it, either, but I'm a little scared to take these guys in anywhere, and our only other choice is IHOP."

"We've got to try," Miz said with a sigh. "Everyone promise me they'll behave if we go into IHOP?"

"I always behave," Punk said. "It's Orton you have to worry about."

"I'm not going to bite anyone in IHOP," Randy said. "They have pancakes, which are much more interesting to bite."

"Yet you tried to bite the waiter at Denny's," Miz pointed out.

"That was Denny's," Randy said. "Not IHOP."

"Fine," Miz said. "Punk, pull into IHOP."

Punk pulled into the parking lot and parked the SUV across two spaces. "What?" he asked Miz. "I don't want it to get dented!"

"People who park like that are such jerks."

"I'm not a jerk. I'm…"

"Jesus," Miz sighed. "Yeah, we get it."

"I was going to say 'careful'," Punk said, "but Jesus works too. Come on, Jeff, time to wake up."

"Where's Betsy?" Miz asked.

"Cup holder," Punk said. "Jeff! Wake up!"

"I'm not Jeff," Matt said. "I'm Matthew."

"Oh, good," Randy said. "I like Matthew."

Miz groaned. "No fighting in IHOP, remember?"

"I'm not going to fight," Randy said. "I'll let Matthew do it for me."

"I'm no one's puppet," Matthew said, shooting a dark look at Randy.

"Oh, of course not," Randy said with a smile.

"Uh oh," Miz said to Punk. "Orton's smiling. That never leads to anything good."

"Maybe he's happy he's getting pancakes?" Punk said, pushing through the door to IHOP.

"Welcome to IHOP!" the hostess said. "How many?"

"Um," Punk said. "Seven. Unless you're counting multiple personalities. Then it's nine."

The hostess blinked. "Will the multiple personalities need seats?"

"No?" Punk said, glancing at Miz for confirmation. Miz shrugged. "I think they're okay without them. But can we have a table? Booths tend to be… too small."

"Sure," she said, leading them into the dining room. "Is this okay?"

"It's fine, thanks," Miz said. He turned to the others. "Uh, do you want to sit between Matthew and Orton, Punk?"

"No way!" Punk said. "I'd get bit for sure! Make Mark sit between them."

"Good idea. Mark, why don't you sit on the end, and they can sit on either side of you?"

"Okay," Mark said, settling in his seat. "I'm an endcap!"

"Yes, yes you are," Miz said. He sat next to Randy, leaving Punk to sit beside Matthew. JJ sat at the other end, with Christian between him and Miz.

"Here are your menus," said the hostess. "Would you like anything to drink?"

"Do you have Pepsi?" Punk asked hopefully.

"We'd better stick with water," Miz said. "I think you've had too much Pepsi already."

Punk sighed. "Water it is. Although if Orton and Matthew start fighting and blood is involved, I may need someone to find me some Pepsi."

"It won't be necessary," Miz said hastily. "Just water for all of us, thanks."

"Your waitress will be with you shortly," said the hostess, eyeing them.

Miz sighed. "Are you trying to get us kicked out before we've even ordered, Punk? What is wrong with you?" Punk shrugged.

JJ looked up from his menu. "Any idea what you want, Rey?"

"Pancakes?" Christian said. "Or maybe a waffle. They do waffles, right?"

"Yep, they do waffles," JJ confirmed.

"I'd like pancakes," Randy said, staring at the menu, his brow furrowed. "And bacon. And… um. What are you having, Matthew?"

Matt pushed the menu away. "Revenge."

"Well, that sounds good, too," Randy said. "But I meant to eat."

"Oh. Waffles."

Randy nodded. "That's awesome."

Miz frowned at Randy and Matthew, then looked down at his own menu. "Um, guys? I can't read this."

"What do you mean?" Punk asked. "It looks fine to me."

"It looks… squiggly," Miz said with a frown. "That's so weird. It's like the words are moving on the menu."

"Are they talking to you?" Randy asked. "Because maybe you're hearing voices, but in print."

Miz shook his head. "Just get me whatever you're having, Punk," he said finally, closing his eyes.

"I'm probably having fruit," Punk said.

"Freak," Miz muttered. "Okay, I'll have what Orton's having. That sounds good."

"You can't have it," Randy said. "It's mine!"

Miz sighed. "Someone order me pancakes, okay? Just pancakes. Nice and simple and not squiggly!" He raised his voice on the last word, causing the rest of the superstars to look at him.

"What's wrong, Undertaker?" JJ asked.

"I don't know," Miz said. "I just feel really weird. And this squiggly menu thing is really bothering me."

"Welcome to my world," Christian muttered.

"It's a dark and gloomy world," Matthew said. "Full of dangerous people like me."

"I'm dangerous, too!" Randy said, pouting.

"Me too!" Mark said brightly.

"Guys, this is serious," Miz said. "I don't like this."

"And welcome to my world, too," Punk muttered. "Now you know how I feel every single day. At least no one's asking you to turn water into Pepsi." He glared at his water glass when the waitress set it down before him. "Stupid water, not being Pepsi."

"Are you ready to order, or do you need a minute?" the waitress asked.

"I think I'm going blind," Miz said. "Do you have anything for that?"


	33. Miz Goes Blind

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 33: Miz Goes Blind

The waitress stared at Miz. "I'm sorry?" she said. "Could you repeat that?"

"Do I have to?" Miz asked.

"He said he thinks he's going blind," Punk said. "I'd like the fruit bowl, please."

"You're seriously ordering fruit?" Miz asked.

"Are you seriously going blind?" Punk countered. "I've had enough pancakes to last me a lifetime lately. I want something different."

"Um," the waitress said. "Okay, fruit. I don't have anything for blindness, sir, but if you'd like something else…"

Miz sighed. "Pancakes. Just pancakes."

"I'm pretty sure they don't cure blindness," Christian said. "But just in case… I want pancakes, too. And waffles."

"Both?" Punk asked. "That's a lot of carbs."

"Well, if the pancakes cure blindness…"

"They don't," the waitress said.

Christian glared at Matt. "How do you know?"

The waitress shook her head. "Okay, fruit, pancakes, waffles… what else?" She took the rest of the order, then left, muttering, "They'd better leave a good tip."

Miz closed his eyes. "She's gone, right?"

"Yes," Punk confirmed.

"You guys are going to get us kicked out if you don't knock it off."

"We didn't do anything," Punk said. "You're the one getting Christian all riled up by telling him the pancakes cure blindness."

"I didn't tell him that," Miz said.

Mark said, "I live in an ice cube."

"Where does he come up with these things?" Punk asked.

"No idea," Christian said. "Hey, JJ, watch this." Christian picked up his fork and threw it at the table next to them. It bounced off and hit the floor. "Awesome, right?"

"What are you doing, Rey?" JJ asked.

"Throwing things at Punk."

"First of all," Punk said, "I'm over here. And secondly, not cool."

"Maybe I should bite you, then," Christian said, leaning over and biting Miz.

"Ow! Hey!" Miz said. "Who just bit me? Orton, was that you?"

"No," Randy said, from his other side. "That was Christian."

"Why the hell is Christian biting people?" Miz asked. "Isn't that normally your job?"

"Well, it was, but you weren't letting me do it, so I guess Christian's doing it now," Randy said. He turned to Matt. "Hey, I saw a claw machine up front. Do you want to go play?"

Matt glared at Randy. "A claw machine? Really? Those are for losers."

"Oh, right. Totally," Randy said, blinking.

Punk shook his head. "What is going on here? You're all acting weird."

The waitress returned and set the food in front of them. "Enjoy your meal," she muttered before scurrying off.

"Hey, this is pretty good," Christian said. "I forgot how much I like waffles."

Miz stabbed the table with his fork, causing it to rebound. "Ow. Where is my plate?"

Randy sighed and said, "Let me cut that pancake up for you, Miz. Do you want syrup on it?"

"Syrup!" Matt said.

"Oh good," Punk said dryly. "Jeff's back."

"I'll cut up your pancakes after I cut up Miz's pancakes," Randy told Matt.

"I can do it myself!" Matt said, holding the knife upside down, so the blade faced up. "See? I've got it!"

"Obviously," Punk muttered.

"Who's got my pancakes?" Miz asked, feeling the table in front of him.

"I'm cutting them up," Randy said.

"Don't put any Viper venom in my pancakes!" Miz said.

"Don't be silly," Randy said. "I'm not really a snake, you know."

Punk pushed his chair back and stared around the table. "This is wrong. It's all wrong."

"What is?" Miz asked.

"I can't quite put my finger on it…"

"Oh my God!" Christian yelled. "I can see! These waffles are magical! They're like manna from the Gods! I'm cured!" He laughed. "Hey, maybe this means I'm Jesus?"

"No!" Punk snapped. "No one is Jesus but me! I keep telling you guys that!"

Miz frowned. "I still can't see. Let me try those waffles."

"No!" Christian said. "They're _my_ magic waffles!"

"I just want a bite!" Miz said.

"I'll give you a bite!" Christian said, lunging at Miz again.

"Hey! Stop that!" Randy said, pushing his way between Christian and Miz. "No biting! Ow! Christian! Stop!"

"Werr," Christian said, around the bite he was taking on Randy's arm.

"JJ, you want to help me out here?" Randy asked.

"Why should I?" JJ demanded. "No one ever helps me out." He pushed his chair back and stormed away from the table, leaving everyone blinking in his wake.

Christian quit biting Randy. "JJ?" he said.

Punk shook his head. "This is like a nightmare. It's… scrambled."

"Now I want eggs," Miz complained. "Where are my pancakes?"

Randy sighed and pushed the plate in front of Miz again. "Here. They're in front of you."

"You're acting like Christian," Punk said to Miz, "and Christian is acting like Orton, who's acting like JJ, who is acting like… Well, I have no idea who JJ is acting like. But he's not acting like himself." He frowned. "But I'm not acting weird, and Matt is Jeff and Mark is Mark."

"I'm a bumblebee!" Mark said.

"So what is going on here?" Punk continued, ignoring Mark, who was now running around, buzzing.

"Maybe we've been poisoned?" Randy said, sitting down and studying Punk.

"I doubt that. Poison would make us sick, not… weird."

"We started weird," Randy said.

"Yeah, but not this kind of weird. This is weird even for us weird. You're almost rational."

Randy was quiet for a moment. "You know what?" he said to Punk. "The voices are gone. I… I've been hearing them most of my life, and now… they're gone."


	34. Miz Gets Babysat

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 34: Miz Gets Babysat

"Everything's still kind of fuzzy," Christian said to Punk. "And I have no idea where JJ went, but when he gets back, I'm going to bite him so hard…"

Punk sighed. "He's got a point."

Randy frowned. "You're going to let him bite JJ?"

"No, but we need to find JJ." He looked around. "Miz, can you keep an eye on Matt?"

"I'm blind, remember?" Miz snapped. "I can't even see my food."

"He'll be fine," Randy said. "We can just tell Mark he's a babysitter."

"Great," Punk muttered. "Mark! Stop being a bee and come be a babysitter!"

"I'm a babysitter?" Mark said, pausing mid-buzz and coming back to the table.

"Yes," Punk said.

"Great! My name is Tina and I need five bucks an hour, per kid."

Randy nodded. "Okay. You watch Miz and Jeff." He pushed Mark into the chair at the end, next to Matt. "Don't let them go anywhere. There are bad people out to get them."

Mark's eyes were huge. "Okay. Can I order some orange juice? Kids need juice."

"Fine," Punk said. "I'll send the waitress by with some juice. We'll be right back."

"Okay, Mr. Punk," Mark said happily. "Don't forget, five bucks an hour per kid."

"Got it, Tina. Thanks," Punk said. "Come on, Randy. Let's go find JJ." He paused and grabbed Christian's arm. "You have to come, too. I'm not leaving you alone with Miz and Jeff."

"Maybe we should color!" Mark said. "Here are some crayons."

"Yay!" Matt said.

"I can't see," Miz said.

"Coloring makes everything better!" Mark said, handing Miz a crayon and pushing his food out of the way.

Miz sighed and colored on the table. "Am I inside the lines?"

"Close enough," Mark said. Matt giggled.

The waitress came back with a carafe of orange juice and three glasses. "Would you like anything else?" she asked, glaring at Miz, who was now drawing a green dinosaur on the table.

"We're going to need seven of those kids cups with lids," Mark said, "and more orange juice."

"All right," the waitress sighed. "I'll be right back."

"That's a nice dinosaur," Mark told Miz. "What's his name?"

"Betsy," Miz muttered.

"Hey! That's my fish's name!" Matt said, perking up to look at Miz.

"Yeah, this is your Betsy's ancestor."

"Cool! But he's green!"

"Is he?" Miz asked. "I can't see the crayons."

"Yep!" Matt said. He went to sit next to Miz. "I like green, but blue is better."

"Here's your cups and your juice," the waitress said, setting the second carafe and the cups on the table. "Will there be anything else?"

"I think we're good, thanks," Mark said. He poured the juice into the cups, humming. "I'll have your juice for you in just a minute, guys," he told Miz and Matt.

"I like juice," Matt said.

"Me too," Miz said.

Mark said, "It's nice when you boys get along. Here's your juice, Jeff. And here, give this one to Miz, okay?"

Matt's fingers were sticky as he helped Miz with the juice cup. "It's a plastic cup," he told Miz, "and it has a red lid, so you won't spill. And a plastic straw!"

Miz nodded and took a sip of the juice. "Guess we should have ordered this instead of water," he said.

"It's very good for you. Oh look, here comes everyone else," Mark said.

"I'd look, but I can't see," Miz said.

"I never complained that much about not being able to see," Christian said, sitting down next to Miz and taking the juice that Mark offered.

"You complained about it all the time, Rey," JJ said. "It got old fast."

"I will bite you," Christian said to JJ. "Don't think I won't."

Randy sighed. "No biting! How many times do I have to say it?"

"Why should I listen to you?" Christian asked. "You bite people all the time."

Punk said, "Randy, why don't you go pay the bill?"

"Fine," Randy said, snagging his juice from the table. "I'll be back in a minute."

Punk dropped into his seat, exhausted. "You were right, Miz," he said. "Coming in was a bad idea."

"I don't know," Miz said. "Aside from going blind, this is the most fun I've had this whole trip."

"Did you color on the table?" Punk asked, leaning forward to stare at the dinosaur Miz had drawn on the table.

"I don't think so," Miz said. "I drew a dinosaur on my menu."

"Uh, okay," Punk said, leaning back in his seat again. "Maybe we should get going?"

"Yay, roadtrip!" Matt said, bouncing. "Come on, Miz! You can sit by me in the car this time!"

"But you're sitting up front," Miz said.

"I don't like up front! I want to sit in the back in the back!"

"In the very back?" Miz translated. "But where will JJ sit?"

"He can sit up front!"

"Works for me," Punk said. "It might be nice not to have to watch him and Betsy."

"But what about Pixie?" Miz asked.

"You'll have to keep an eye on her," Punk said.

Miz sighed. "I'm blind, remember?"

"I forgot," Punk admitted. "Okay, JJ sits up front with me, you and Jeff sit in the very back with Orton, and Mark and Christian are in the middle."

"Tina," Mark said.

"Right. Tina. Sorry."

"And you owe me ten bucks," Mark said.

Punk sighed and dug out the money. "Thanks for watching them. Now help me get everyone into the car and I'll give you more money when we get to where we're going."

"Deal," Mark said. "Let's go, people! Time's wasting!"

Miz said, "You're going to pay Tina more money?"

"Are you kidding? By the time we get to where we're going, Tina will be a long distant memory and he'll be a flapjack or something," Punk said.


	35. Miz Breaks Up A Fight

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 35: Miz Breaks Up A Fight

Miz fell asleep against the window, with Matt in the middle seat and Randy on the side closest to the door. When he woke, hours later, Punk was on the other side of Matt, asleep. He wasn't sure at first what had dragged him from sleep. Maybe it was the fact that it was so dark, or the sounds of cursing coming from somewhere nearby, or maybe it was that they were no longer moving. "Punk?" Miz said, reaching across an unconscious Matt to shake Punk's shoulder. "Punk, wake up."

"What day is it?" Punk asked sleepily.

Miz stopped for a moment to consider the question before realizing that it wasn't relevant. "I don't know. Why are you back here, and why are we stopped?"

Punk stretched. "I'm trying to sleep," he said.

"That's great," Miz said. "But if you're sleeping, then who's driving?"

"Orton," Punk said around a yawn. "Now let me sleep."

"Orton?" Miz said, sitting up. "You let Orton drive?"

"Relax," Punk said, "he's been calm all day."

Miz caught the sounds of screaming and pushed Punk hard. "Does that sound like he's calm?" he asked.

Punk sighed. "You're not going to let me sleep, are you?"

From the front, JJ said, "Uh, Hornswoggle? I think Beth is losing it."

Miz sat up and squinted at the shadowy JJ in the front. He could see the SUV's headlights, shining on an expanse of trees. "Where are we?"

"I don't know," JJ said. "But maybe you and Hornswoggle ought to go see what Beth's doing? He seems to be pounding the hell out of something out there."

Punk said, "Fine! I'm going! Geez. Guy can't even get any sleep…" He slipped past Christian, who sat up and said, "What's going on?"

"No idea," Miz said, pushing past Matt, who groaned and fell onto the seat, taking up the entire back while Miz and Punk slid out of the vehicle. The first thing Miz noticed once they were out was that he could see everything clearly. "Hey, my eyesight's back!" he said.

"Congratulations," Punk grumbled. "Does this mean I can go back to bed?"

"No," Miz said, frowning as Randy let out a roar. The two looked at one another. "That doesn't sound good."

Punk and Miz took off running toward the sound of the disturbance. "Left!" Randy shrieked. "Left! Always left!" There was a crunch, and then the two of them cleared the SUV and took in the sight before them. Orton was stomping and screaming, "Left! Left!" Pieces of glass and plastic littered the ground.

"What is he doing?" Punk asked. "Oh my dad. Orton! That had better not be what I think it is!"

"It said left!" Randy yelled at Punk.

"Uh," Miz said, "I'm lost."

"No kidding," Punk said, storming up to Randy so he could get in the Viper's face. "Probably because Orton just destroyed the GPS!"

"He what?" Miz asked.

"You idiot!" Punk yelled at Randy.

The Viper gave the destroyed unit one more savage kick, then turned to Punk, suddenly calm. "It said left to the freeway. Does this look like a freeway to you?"

"Um, Punk," Miz said, as Punk shoved Randy. "You might not want to…" That was as far as he got before the Viper RKO'd Punk. "Never mind."

Randy stared down at Punk, who was laying on the ground. "Hey, do you think the blood of Jesus would make the voices stop?" Randy asked.

"What?" Miz said.

Randy pointed down at Punk. "He's bleeding. Should we catch it and drink it like they do in the bible?"

Miz said, "Randy, I think you're thinking of a different book. The bible doesn't have blood drinking in it. That sounds more like a vampire novel to me."

Randy looked up at him. "Are you sure? Because isn't there that whole, 'drink of my blood' thing in church with the wine?"

"Pepsi!" Punk screamed, lunging at the Viper's feet suddenly, catching Randy off guard and knocking him to the ground. "It's supposed to be Pepsi, damn it!"

Miz backed up a step, staring is disbelief at Punk and Randy as Punk started beating on the Viper. "Uh, guys?"

"It's holy freaking Pepsi!" Punk screamed in Randy's face. "Not wine!"

Randy stared up at Punk. "Okay," he said finally. "It's Pepsi. But that didn't answer my question about whether or not your blood would make the voices go away."

Punk sat back. "No." He touched his head and winced. "I think I'm going to need stitches. This feels pretty bad."

"Guys," Miz said again. "That was…" He shook his head. "What the hell was that?"

"What?" Punk asked, frowning. He was still touching the wound in his scalp. "How bad is it?" he asked Randy.

The Viper said, "It looks terrible."

"What's happening to us?" Miz asked. "I've never seen you violent like that, Punk."

Punk turned to Miz. "And the rest of you have been weird all day. I thought maybe it was the medication leaving your systems, but that doesn't account for my behavior."

"That makes sense," Miz said. "Medication leaving our systems could make you violent, right?"

"Except I'm straightedge, Miz, and I don't take any medications."

Miz frowned. "Of course you take medications."

"What part of straightedge don't you understand?" Punk asked. "No drugs, period."

"Uh, but Punk, you've been in an institution for a year. Of course you were taking whatever they were giving you. We all were."

"No," Punk said. "I wasn't."

Miz and Randy exchanged a look. "He's delusional," Randy muttered.

"I am not!" Punk growled, causing Randy to back up quickly, hands up to ward him off. "I wasn't taking medication, okay?"

"But I saw you take them every night," Miz said.

Punk sighed. "No, you didn't, Miz. You only thought I took them. For the last year, I've been pretending to take their medicine and flushing it instead."

"If that's true, then how is it that you never got caught?" Miz demanded.

"I'm Jesus," Punk said, shrugging.

"That's not an answer," Miz said.

Punk sighed. "When I was younger, I saw this magician once who made a quarter disappear. I asked him how he did it, and he told me a magician never reveals his secrets. It took me several months to work out how he'd done it, but once I did…" He smirked. "Let's just say that I've gotten even better at it than that magician ever was and leave it at that."


	36. Miz Visits The Emergency Room, Part One

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 36: Miz Visits The Emergency Room, Part One

"So this whole time in the hospital, you've been palming your meds?" Miz asked in disbelief.

"Yes. Uh, can we finish this up? I'm kind of bleeding, and it's uncomfortable."

"Sorry," Miz said. "We should get you to the hospital so you can have that looked at."

"You think?" Punk snapped. "That sounds like a fabulous idea, except for one small problem. Genius over here smashed the GPS, and we have no idea where we are."

Randy said, "It was lying to me. This isn't the freeway."

"No more driving for you," Punk said. "I'll take over."

"You?" Miz said. "You're bleeding everywhere! No way can you drive."

"Well, who does that leave? I don't trust Mark, Matt or Christian not to kill us, and JJ can't exactly ask for directions, can he? What if he gets place names mixed up as well as people's names?"

Miz said, "I'll drive."

"You were blind three hours ago," Punk pointed out.

"I can see just fine now," Miz said. "But you'd better sit up front with me, Punk. Randy, you get in the back with Matt."

"Where's JJ going to sit?" Punk asked.

Miz frowned. "He can sit next to Mark, and Christian can move to the back with Matt and Randy."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Punk said. "Putting Matt and JJ in close quarters like that…"

"Randy and Christian will be between Matt and JJ. It'll be fine. Besides, Matt's asleep. I doubt he'll wake up for awhile yet."

Punk sighed. "I feel dizzy."

"Punk?" Miz asked, alarmed as the straightedge superstar slid to the ground. "Damn it! Randy, help me get him to the car."

The Viper scooped up Punk. "He's lighter than he looks," he told Miz.

Miz opened the passenger door and said to JJ, "Change of plans. You move to where Christian is, Christian, you move to the back with Matt."

"You're going to have to help me, JJ," Christian said with a sigh. "Everything's blurry again."

"It's all right, Rey," JJ said. "I don't mind." JJ got into the back and Randy helped Miz put Punk in the passenger's seat up front before Randy got in to help JJ and Christian move Matt.

"And Matt's dead weight," Randy said, giving Matt a good shove so that he could sit down next to him, with Christian on his other side.

"I want a cookie," Matt muttered in his sleep.

Randy shot him a dirty look. "No cookie for you," he said, which made Christian snicker.

Miz hopped into the driver's seat and was glad to see that Randy had left the keys in the ignition, even as he vowed that the Viper would not drive again. He turned the SUV on, then buckled Punk into his seat and headed down the road.

%

About ten miles later, they hit a major road. Another five miles, and Miz saw a hospital sign. "Thank God," he muttered, following the signs until they led to a hospital. It was small, but it had an emergency room, which was all he cared about. He pulled the SUV into the parking lot and called out, "Randy! Help me!"

"I'll help you," Mark said, sitting up. "I'm very helpful. What do you need?"

Miz blinked. "I need to get Punk into the emergency room. Can you do that?"

"No problem!" Mark said with a smile. "JJ, will you get the door, please? I'm helping Miz."

"Sure, Shawn," JJ said, opening the door and hopping out of the SUV so the much bigger Mark could get out.

Miz unbuckled Punk, then got out of the SUV. He pocketed the keys and told JJ, "Keep an eye on the others, will you?"

"You got it, Undertaker," JJ said.

Miz nodded and opened the passenger door so Mark could pick up Punk. "Is that okay?" Miz asked.

"Oh, it's fine," Mark said, still smiling.

Miz went into the hospital first, followed by Mark. "Hey," Miz said to the triage clerk. "My friend hit his head, then passed out. He's bleeding a lot from a scalp wound."

The triage clerk looked up at Miz, then looked at Mark and Punk. His eyes got huge. "Yeah, bring him back and they'll have a look," he said. "Do you need a wheelchair?"

"No, I've got him!" Mark said. Miz was starting to get creeped out by the smile and the cheerful attitude.

"Hey, you look kind of familiar," he said to Miz, as he led them down the hall.

"I have that kind of face," Miz said.

"Maybe that's it," the clerk said, as he unlocked a door and brought them to a room. "Just set him on the bed and I'll send someone in to get your insurance information. The doctor will be by shortly."

"Thanks," Miz said. Mark set Punk down on the bed and settled on the floor. Miz took the chair beside the bed. When the clerk was gone, Miz said, "Insurance?"

"We can tell them to bill the hospital in Connecticut," said Mark helpfully. "They won't get the bill for weeks, and by then, it shouldn't matter."

Miz frowned. "I guess. But maybe Punk has an insurance card?"

"I doubt it," Mark said. "Why would Jesus need insurance?"

Miz stared at Mark. "This is the most lucid I've seen you. What's the deal?"

"I told you," Mark said. "I'm helpful!"

"Oh." Miz frowned. "Yeah, okay. That makes perfect sense."


	37. Miz Visits The Emergency Room, Part Two

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 37: Miz Visits The Emergency Room, Part Two

The insurance woman came in first. "Fill out these forms," she told Miz, giving him a disapproving look. "I'll be back for them in twenty minutes."

"Thanks?" Miz muttered, staring down at the forms. "These are like a book, and I don't know half of this stuff."

"Here, let me," Mark said, taking the forms and the pen. He hummed happily as he started to fill them out.

Miz blinked. "Thanks," he said.

It was another couple of minutes before the nurse arrived. "Can you tell me what happened to your friend?" she asked, as she examined the cut on Punk's scalp.

Miz bit his lip. "We're wrestlers," he said, as though that explained it.

Clearly, he was wrong because the nurse stared at him. "Could you be more specific?" she asked. "How did he do this to his head? It has glass in it."

"Er," Miz said. "He and one of the other wrestlers were fighting and he hit the pavement. He started bleeding, then he passed out."

The nurse frowned. "You aren't very forthcoming, are you?"

Mark cleared his throat. "We were at a show, doing an extreme match and another wrestler performed his patented move on him, causing his head to hit the concrete, where had earlier shattered a glass. As a result, our friend Will got glass in his head."

"Will?" Miz muttered, frowning at Mark, who shrugged.

"Thank you," said the nurse. She went back to looking at Punk's scalp. "He'll need stitches. I'm going to call the lab so we can get a tox screen going."

"Oh, he's clean," Miz said. "He's against drugs."

She stared Miz down. "You have no idea how many people come in here saying that and then have drugs in their system."

"Okay," Miz said with a shrug.

"The doctor will be with you shortly," she said, "and I'll send a lab tech down to get some blood." She left them alone again.

"Will?" Miz said to Mark.

"We can't use our real names," Mark said. "And anyway, do you want me to write 'Punk' on the paperwork?"

"Good point," Miz said.

"I'm going to take the paperwork down to the insurance lady," Mark said. "I'll be right back."

Miz nodded. "Stay helpful, okay?"

"I will!" Mark said, smiling again.

Miz stared at Punk thoughtfully until the lab person showed up. "I'm here to get blood?" the man said.

"Sure," Miz said. "He's over there."

"Wow, what happened?" the guy asked, as he readied the draw kit.

"Extreme rules match," Miz said.

"Seriously?" the guy said. "Hey, he kind of looks like CM Punk, back when he had hair."

"Yeah, he gets that a lot," Miz said.

"And you kind of look like the Miz."

"We're look-alike wrestlers," Miz said. "Impersonators. Like in Vegas, you know?"

"Oh, sure," the guy said. "I've gotta say, you guys do a good job."

"Thanks," Miz said.

The lab guy finished taking blood. "Hope your friend feels better. And tell him he's got the look down pat."

"Thanks," Miz said with a smile. "He'll appreciate it."

The lab guy was long gone when Mark returned. "Sorry," he said, "they had some questions, but I took care of it." He once again settled on the floor, humming to himself.

"The lab's been here for blood," Miz said, "and now we're just waiting for the doctor."

"I'm a doctor," Mark said.

Miz groaned. "Not now!" he said. "I need you to hold it together a little longer Mark."

"But I'm doctor Mark."

"Okay, doctor Mark," he said, "we're waiting on your colleague to give us a second opinion and do the actual stitches on Punk's head."

"Well, of course," Mark said, settling against the wall, "that makes perfect sense."

Five minutes later, the doctor came in and said, "I'm Doctor Jackson. So this is Mr. Wallace?"

Miz glared at Mark before turning to the doctor. "Yes?"

"His parents named him William Wallace?" the doctor said. "That's kind of funny." He approached the bed. "But that wound isn't any joking matter. It says here that he got it during an extreme wrestling match?"

"That's right," Miz said. "And he lost consciousness soon after."

"Well, let's have a look," the doctor said, pulling up the rolling stool so he could sit down and examine Punk's head wound and check everything else out. "Looks like he probably has a concussion," he said. "That's pretty consistent with him passing out like that after getting a head injury." He rolled the chair over to the medical supply table and dug out a pair of plastic tweezers. "Let's get this glass out of the wound and then I'll sew him up and he'll be good as new."

"Thank you," Miz said. The doctor started picking glass out of the wound, and Miz winced. "How bad is it?"

"I'll have to clean it up, but I think it probably looks worse than it is," Dr. Jackson said. He grabbed a squeeze bottle off the table and went back to work on the wound. "Looks like I can close it with six stitches, maybe seven."

"Okay," Miz said, relieved.

"We'll want to keep him overnight," the doctor said, "so we can keep an eye on him."

Miz sighed. "We're on a bit of a schedule, doctor."

"He's got a concussion," the doctor repeated. "And he's unconscious." The nurse came in and handed the doctor a sheet of paper. "Thank you," he said. He looked down at the paper. "And apparently," he said, raising his brows, "he's got a good sized dose of Tramadol in his system."

"Tramadol?" Miz said with a frown. "Isn't that a pain medication?"

"Yes. It's a synthetic opiate. It can also put a person who isn't used to it into a pretty heavy sleep."

"I don't get it," Miz said. "He's straightedge. Why would he be taking Tramadol?"


	38. Miz Visits The Emergency Room, Part 3

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 38: Miz Visits The Emergency Room, Part Three

"He's been in the hospital for pain," Mark said. "I'm sure they gave him the Tramadol."

"Still," said Dr. Jackson, "he shouldn't be wrestling while on pain medication."

"I'm the team doctor," Mark said. "I'll keep him benched until I'm sure he's off the medication. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. He was due to have a drug test this week, but he's never had one not come back clean, and I foolishly let him put it off for a few days."

Miz stared at Punk while Dr. Jackson nodded and finished cleaning the wound. "Looks like six stitches," he said again. "Let's get going on those. Normally, I'd give him something for the pain, but since he's already on Tramadol and unconscious, I think we can skip that." He picked up the needle that was on the tray and turned to the wound. Miz looked away. "Squeamish?" the doctor asked.

"I don't like needles," Miz said.

"Most people don't. It's all right if you want to go out and wait in the hall until I'm done."

"Actually," Miz said, "I'd better go check in with my friends. I'll be back." He took one more quick glance at Punk, who was apparently doped up on Tramadol, and headed out of the room. Signs in the hall led to the exit, and Miz found the SUV without any problems. Christian, Randy and JJ were awake, but Matt was still asleep.

"How's Hornswoggle?" JJ asked.

Miz frowned. "They think he's got a concussion, and he's getting stitches right now. He's still unconscious, but I'm not sure if it's because of the concussion or something else. Can I ask you guys a question?"

"Sure," Christian said to JJ. "Go ahead."

Miz sighed. "Punk had a pain medication in his system. Tramadol."

"Punk doesn't take anything," Randy said. "You heard what he said about palming his medicine. He refuses aspirin when he's got a headache. The only drug he takes is his Pepsi."

"I know," Miz said. "That's what he keeps telling us, but what if he's lying? What if Punk is really an addict?"

"You're kidding, right?" Christian said. "Punk an addict? That's like asking if we think the Pope might not be Catholic. It's absurd. It's completely unheard of."

"I'd have agreed with you an hour ago," Miz said, "but blood doesn't lie."

"Maybe the lab got his results mixed up?" Randy asked.

"I doubt it," Miz said. "No, it's something else, but I don't know what." He shook his head.

"Do you want me to RKO the doctor?" Randy asked.

"No," Miz said. "We've already got one head injury as a result of an RKO. We don't need a lawsuit, too." He paused. "I'd better get back before Mark tells the doctor he's a fruit bat or something. See you guys in a bit."

He walked away from the SUV and went back into the hospital. Convincing the staff to let him go back into the room took a little doing, but Miz finally managed. The doctor was gone, but Punk was awake. "Miz," he said in relief. "Where are we, and why did you leave me alone with Henry?"

Miz said, "How long have you been doing drugs, Punk?"

"What are you talking about?" Punk asked, confused. "What is the matter with you, Miz?"

"What's the matter with me?" Miz asked. "What's the matter with you? Drug tests don't lie!"

"Miz," Punk said, his lips forming an angry line, "you must be the one on drugs, because I'd never touch any of that garbage, and you know it."

"Oh yeah?" Miz said. He stormed out of the room to the nurses station. "Excuse me," he said, "my friend is finally awake. Could someone come down and tell him he's a liar, please?"

The nurse blinked at him. "Sir?" she asked.

"His drug test results," Miz clarified. "Could you come down and explain them to him?"

"All right," she said, eyeing Miz.

"Thank you," he said, heading back to the room. "The nurse is coming."

"Good," Punk said. "Then we can clear this up."

"Mr. Wallace?" the nurse said.

"Who?" Punk asked.

"That's you," Miz said.

"Oh. Okay?" Punk said.

"The tox screen came back positive for Tramadol," the nurse said.

"It… what?" Punk asked, blinking.

"She's telling you that you have drugs in your system," Miz said, sitting down in the chair again.

"But that's not right," Punk said with a frown. "I mean, I don't even take aspirin! I don't do drugs!"

"Well," Miz said, "apparently, you do." He turned to the nurse. "Does he still need to stay for observation?"

"He seems pretty confused," she said. "I'm sure the doctor will want him to stay."

"I'm not staying here!" Punk said. "You're obviously a bunch of quacks!"

"You're certainly free to sign yourself out against medical advice, Mr. Wallace," the nurse said. "Though if anything happens to you as a result, you're on your own."

"Get me the paperwork," Punk said. "I'm not staying here another minute. Drugs in my system indeed." He snorted. "You have no idea how absurd that is. It's completely impossible."

"Methinks the superstar doth protest too much," Mark said softly, as the nurse left to get the paperwork.

Miz glanced at Mark, then sighed. "Whatever, Punk. You're not driving from here on out. I don't trust you any more."

Punk glared at Miz. "My name is the one on the rental contract. You don't even have your license on you."

"I'll take my chances," Miz said. "Better than letting you crack us up because you're hopped up on pain medication."

"Here you go," the nurse said. "I've brought you the AMA papers. Sign those and we'll release you, Mr. Wallace."

Punk scribbled something on the paper, then handed it back to the nurse. "Now get me out of here," he demanded.


	39. Miz And Punk Talk About Drugs

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 39: Miz And Punk Talk About Drugs

"Bunch of quacks," Punk said. "They couldn't even get my name right. Why were they calling me Mr. Wallace?"

"Probably because we used the alias William Wallace," Miz said.

"I can't believe you told them my name is William Wallace," Punk grumbled.

"I can't believe you're doing drugs," Miz said. "And it was Mark that told them you were William Wallace."

"I'm a cactus!" Mark said. "Ooh, prickly!"

"You let him choose my alias?" Punk said. "Geez, Miz."

"Cheese whiz!" Mark said, and he laughed.

Miz shot them both dirty looks. "I'm not speaking to either of you any more," he said, before he marched to the SUV, leaving Mark and Punk to fend for themselves.

"Stupid Miz," Punk muttered. He stared at the sheets of paper that the nurse had given him, including a copy of the tox screen. "I'm not on drugs." They reached the SUV. "Where should I sit?"

"Up front," Miz said. "I need to keep an eye on you, make sure you're not over there, popping pills."

Punk rolled his eyes and climbed into the SUV. "For the last time, I am not on drugs!"

"That paper in your hand tells a different story," Miz said.

"Then it's a liar," Punk told Miz.

"Someone certainly is," Miz said, "and I don't think it's the paper."

The two glared at each other until JJ cleared his throat. "Hey, maybe we should get on the road?" he said.

"Right," Miz said, turning the key in the ignition. "Let's put this unfortunate incident behind us."

"Fine," Punk said with a sigh.

"I'm a snowcone!" Mark said. "And a cactus! And a doctor! Yay!"

"I have a feeling it's going to be a long day," Christian said.

%

Miz watched the sun come up from the driver's seat of the SUV. Everyone else was asleep, aside from Punk, who wasn't speaking to him. The radio was on low, playing some song Miz didn't recognize. He took a sip of his Pepsi and stared out at the road. "Getting tired yet?" Punk asked.

"Why?" Miz asked, glancing toward Punk. "Are you going to offer to drive again?"

"No," Punk said. "You've made your opinion of that very clear. But I'm saying, they had it wrong. I don't do drugs."

Miz sighed. "I wish I could believe you, Punk, but a tox screen doesn't lie."

"Why are you taking this so personally, anyway?" Punk asked. "I mean, I know why I'm mad about it- it's not true- but why are you so mad about it?"

"I don't know," Miz said. "Maybe because, despite your delusions of Jesusness, you've been the one guy I could count on, and now I'm not sure I can."

Punk said, "You… counted on me?"

"Yeah," Miz said, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. "You're a pain, but you've given me good information on pretty much everything. And then this happens…"

"Nothing happened. Nothing's changed, Miz."

"But it has," Miz said. "My opinion of you has changed. How can I trust you if your fundamental truth was a lie?"

Punk looked thoughtfully out at the road before them. "The fact is, you think it's a lie, but it isn't. I am straightedge. I've never been anything but straightedge. Just because you don't believe me doesn't make that any less true."

"You can say that until you're blue in the face. It won't make me believe it."

"I feel like I've already said it until I was blue in the face," Punk muttered. "But fine. This time, we'll agree to disagree and when I'm eventually vindicated and proved right… Then you can apologize."

"Great. I'll be stopping to buy a drug test when we get to Miami. If I'm right, then you can apologize to me."

"Deal," Punk said. "Because that sucker is going to come out completely clean."

"Okay. I hope for your sake you're right," Miz said.

"I am. You'll see."

Miz sighed. "Fine. But you're still not driving."

"Just do me a favor and don't wreck the car, okay? It's on my credit card. I'm already going to have to pay for that GPS that Orton destroyed…" He winced. "And I've got six stitches in my head. I am not having a good day thus far."

"Sorry to hear that, Willy."

Punk glared. "Don't call me that."

"Okay. Is Wally better?"

"No. Argh. Can't you just call me Punk? Or maybe Jesus?"

"I'm not going to call you Jesus," Miz said. "But yeah, I guess Punk still works. You know, it really does suit you."

"Thanks… I think."

"Oh, it wasn't a compliment," Miz said, smirking.

"Yeah, somehow I figured it might not be," said Punk with a sigh. "Regardless, it's the name I ended up with, and I'll still answer to it. I'm never going to answer to Billy or Willy or Wally, though."

"Fair enough," Miz said. "But answer me this, Punk. If you didn't take the drugs, then how did they end up in your system?"

"I don't know," Punk said. "That's what's really bothering me. You're assuming that the results they read to us were mine and not someone else's."

"Hospitals don't make mistakes like that very often."

"You'd be surprised," Punk muttered.

"Okay, suppose it was a mistake," Miz said. "Then where are your results?"

"I don't know, but there's probably some guy who took a lot of Tramadol who came out with a clean tox screen and is ecstatic."

Miz chuckled. "We'll see when we get to Florida, I guess."

"Yeah, I guess we will." Punk said.


	40. Miz Takes An Order

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 40: Miz Takes An Order

"I'm hungry!" Matt whined from the backseat. "When are we going to stop and eat already?"

Miz looked at the clock. Eight am. He glanced over at Punk, who looked exhausted but was still awake. He knew he probably looked the same. It had been a very long night. "Okay," Miz said. "We're going to stop for breakfast."

"Yay!" Matt said.

"He seems to be Jeff more and more often," Miz observed to Punk quietly.

"I think he's Matt right now," Punk muttered.

"How can you tell?" Miz asked, glancing into the rearview mirror for another look at Matt.

"Jeff's bouncier. And noisier. And constantly bugging someone."

"Again," Miz said, turning to Punk, "how can you tell?"

Punk tried hide his snicker as a cough. "What's so funny?" Matt asked.

"I rest my case," Miz muttered, making Punk laugh again.

Randy opened his eyes and looked at Matt. "Don't be whiny unless you want an RKO this morning."

"_Someone_ woke up on the wrong side of the car," Matt said.

"Someone woke up between you and Christian," Randy said. "That alone is enough to make me want to bite someone."

"I see a McDonald's!" Matt said. "Let's stop there!"

Miz sighed. "Fine," he said. "I'm tired of taking you guys into actual restaurants and then getting kicked out. May as well go to McDonald's."

"And they have a playplace!" Matt said.

"Now he's Jeff," Punk said.

"Oh, God no," Miz moaned. "Why me?"

"Just relax," Punk said. "We'll get Christian and JJ to watch him."

"You're kidding, right?" Miz said. "One's blind and the other one makes him turn into Matthew or Godzilla."

"Good point," Punk said. "Hmm. Well, we can have Mark and Randy watch him?"

"The violent one and the one who, last I checked, was a dirty t-shirt?"

Punk sighed. "Me?"

"On drugs."

Punk made a face. "Fine. You then."

"I'm exhausted."

"Look," Punk said, "he's an actual adult. No matter what you believe, no one is going to call child protective services if he runs wild on us. The police, maybe, but then it's on him and not on us. So we can all watch him as a group, or you can trust someone to keep an eye on him."

Miz sighed. "Okay. You can watch him. Even if you're a drug addict, you're still the lesser of five evils right now."

"Thanks," Punk said, smirking. "I appreciate the vote of confidence."

Miz pulled into a parking place. "Listen, Jeff," he said, "you eat, and then you can play, okay?"

"But I wanna play!" Matt said.

"You can play until we get the food," Punk said, "and then you have to eat. What do you want, Jeff?"

"Um, a cheeseburger happy meal! No, two! Or three! Or six! What kind of toy is it?"

"Looks like a car?" Punk said, shrugging.

"Oh, I like cars!" Matt said.

"You have to eat the food to get the toy," Miz said. "That's the new McDonald's rule. If you don't eat your food, then you can't have the toy."

"No way!" Matt said, his eyes wide.

"Yep. They told me, right before I came to the hospital. Morrison wanted a happy meal, too, but he didn't eat the whole thing and they took the toy away from him."

Punk shot Miz a warning glance. "This could backfire," he muttered. "Badly."

"But…" Matt said. "I don't like onions. What if I don't eat them?"

"We'll order yours without onions," Miz said.

"And no mustard!" Matt said. "I _hate_ mustard!"

"Okay, no onions and no mustard."

"And no bread! Yuck!"

Miz said, "So you want a meat patty with cheese and ketchup?"

"Yes! That!" Matt said, bouncing. "Two of them!"

"And you'll eat it? Every bite?"

"Yes!"

"And the fries too?"

"I get _fries_?" Matt asked.

"Oh, dad. Now you've done it," Punk said.

"What?" Miz asked.

"Fries!" Jeff screamed. "Fries! Fries! Fries! Yay!"

"Ow," Orton said. "Please can I RKO him?"

"Fine with me," Christian said on his other side, wincing.

"Yay!" Orton said. "Let's get out of the car and go for a little walk, Jeff."

"Yay!" Matt yelled.

"No!" Miz said. "Orton, we agreed, you don't get to ask Christian unless Punk and I are both not available, and I'm clearly available."

"Maybe that wouldn't be true if you weren't so obnoxious," Punk muttered.

Miz glared at Punk. "Do you want to go back to the hospital?"

"Is that a threat?"

"No," Miz said, "it's what's going to happen if Orton RKO's Jeff in this damned parking lot!"

"Oh," Punk said. "Good point. Orton, no RKO's this morning."

"Can I at least bite him?" Orton pleaded. "He's giving me a headache."

"Ask me again after breakfast," Punk said, "and we'll see."

They climbed out of the car and Matt grabbed Punk's hand. "Come _on_, Punk!" he said. "All the fun stuff's going to be all played out by the time we get there!"

"Do you want me to order anything for you?" Miz called after Punk.

"Orange juice," Punk said, and then Matt dragged him inside.

Miz looked at the rest of the Superstars, who were blinking in the bright morning sun. "Well," he said, "let's get this over with."

They approached the counter as a group. "Good morning!" the girl at the register chirped. "Welcome to McDonald's! What can I get for you today?"

Randy sidled up beside Miz and smiled at the woman. To his companion, he said, "Bite?"

"No," Miz said, and Randy's smile disappeared. "We need two happy meals, cheeseburgers, but with only the meat patties and ketchup, to start."

"Um," Now the girl's smile disappeared, as well. "Sir, it's eight o'clock in the morning. We don't serve cheeseburgers until ten."

Miz sighed. "That's going to be a problem." He turned to the others. "Who's going to go tell Jeff that he can't have his cheeseburgers and fries?" None of them would meet his eyes. "Fine," Miz said finally. "Cowards."


	41. Miz Gets Unexpected Help

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: I'm writing the McDonald's chapter in an actual McDonald's. :P Oh, the things I'll do for Wi-Fi connectivity…

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 41: Miz Gets Unexpected Help

"That was quick," Punk said, when Miz stepped out. "No orange juice yet?" He was sitting on one of the benches, his back against the table.

"Punk! Punk!" Matt yelled from inside the playplace. "Look at me! Look!"

"I'm looking!" Punk yelled. "That's awesome, Jeff!"

"We've got a problem," Miz said, lowering his voice so only Punk could hear it. He smiled and waved at Matt, who was making frantic waving motions.

"Oh?" Punk said, also waving at Matt, though his attention was on Miz. "What kind of a problem?"

"It's eight am, and they don't start serving lunch food for another two hours. So the two happy meal cheeseburgers with fries? Out of the question."

Punk glanced up at Matt, smiled and waved, then looked back at Miz. "You know he's going to throw a fit, right?"

"Yeah," Miz said.

"Especially after that crap about how if he doesn't eat every bite, he won't get the toy. You told him they would repossess the toy if he didn't eat his food, for dad's sake!"

"I can see how that might have been a mistake," Miz admitted. "But maybe we can make up for it? Maybe I can get him some sausage patties with cheese and ketchup on them and he won't know the difference?"

"What about the fries?"

"Hash brown rounds?"

Punk shook his head. "I don't think it'll work, but you can try it. Just be sure they put it in a happy meal box, and for dad's sake, don't let them forget the toy!"

"Right." Miz waved to Matt one more time, then returned to the restaurant. The rest of the superstars were sitting down with their food. "Oh, you guys ordered."

"We weren't sure you were coming back alive," Christian said.

"Very funny."

"We got you juice," JJ said, indicating a couple of cups full of orange juice.

"Great," Miz said. "Let me order mine and Jeff's food and then I'll take Punk out his juice." He went back to the counter. The girl gave him a sympathetic look. "Okay," he said, "how about this? Can I have two sausage biscuits, hold the biscuit, plus cheese and ketchup, wrapped up like a cheeseburger, in a happy meal box?"

"Uh, I think so?" she said. "Let me ask my manager." She walked away, leaving Miz waiting at the counter. "Tony, can I have some help, please?"

"What can I do for you?" Tony asked, following the girl up to the counter.

Miz said, "Look, my brother out there is mentally challenged. He thinks like a six year old. I promised him a couple happy meals, but since you guys don't do those this early, I was thinking maybe I could fool him with sausage patties and cheese, wrapped to look like cheeseburger patties."

The manager stared at Miz for a long moment, then said, "Tell you what. I don't normally do this, but I'll go ahead and make you up two happy meals. Cheeseburgers, fries, everything. Okay?"

Miz sighed in relief. "Thank you," he said. "That would make my life _so_ much easier. I just need the patties, cheese and ketchup, and the fries. Oh, and the box and the toy. It's some kind of car, right?"

"Hot wheels," the manager confirmed.

"Awesome," Miz said. "You're really saving me here."

Tony smiled and said, "I've traveled with kids a time or two, and I know how they can get. I'm going to get started on those right now for you."

"Thank you so much," Miz said. He ordered the rest of his food, then went to sit with the other guys. "That went better than expected," he told them.

"I'm a bear," Mark said. "Grrr!" He picked up a hash brown round and chomped into it.

Randy watched this process thoughtfully before picking up one of his own hash brown rounds and biting it. "Not as satisfying as biting pancakes or people," he said, "but I guess it'll do until you tell me if I can bite Jeff or not."

Miz sighed and grabbed Punk's juice. "Someone get my food when it comes up, please? And no, Randy, before you even ask, you can't bite anyone if you go get it."

Randy sighed. "Fine."

"I'll be right back," Miz said, taking the juice outside to Punk.

"Did you order the fake burgers?" Punk asked.

"No, even better," Miz said. "The manager took pity on me and is making me two actual cheeseburgers."

"How'd you manage that?"

"I guess I looked pitiful and desperate?" Miz said.

"I can believe that," Punk agreed.

"Is my food ready yet?" Matt yelled from the playplace.

"In a little bit," Miz called. "This is the longest day ever," he told Punk.

"You're going to have to figure out who you trust to drive," Punk said, "because you look completely wiped out."

"I am," Miz admitted. "Maybe Orton, now that there's no GPS to destroy?"

Punk shrugged. "Don't ask me. My judgment is probably as impaired as yours."

"Because of the drugs?"

"Because I stayed up all night with you," said Punk with a glare.

"Except for that nap you took in the emergency room."

"Thanks for reminding me," Punk said. "And for the record, it wasn't nearly long enough." He waved at Matt. "I'd say JJ's your best bet to drive."

"What if he needs directions?"

Punk sighed. "This is going to sound absurd, but Christian can help him navigate."

"You want the blind guy to navigate?"

"Yeah. Stupid, right?"

"Maybe. Or maybe it's genius. Ask me again later when we're lost in Canada."

"We're headed south," Punk pointed out.

"Yeah. And I'm about to ask the blind man to navigate," Miz said.


	42. Miz Lets The Blind Lead The Crazy

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 42: Miz Lets The Blind Lead The Crazy

"So here's the thing," Miz said, sitting down at the table with the others. Randy pushed his tray of food in front of him. "I'm exhausted, and so is Punk. Plus there's that whole drug thing to consider. We're not going to get anywhere if I don't make an executive decision. JJ, you didn't kill us when we were escaping. How would you like to drive for a while?"

"I don't know, Undertaker," JJ said.

Mark picked up the tray with the happy meal boxes. "I'm a waiter!" he announced. "And I'm taking Jeff his food."

"Awesome," Miz said tiredly. "Make sure he eats it, okay?" Then he turned back to JJ and Christian. "Christian can sit up front with you and help you if you need directions."

"Are you asking me to navigate?" Christian said in disbelief. "I'm blind."

"As long as JJ keeps the car pointed south, there shouldn't be any issues," Miz said. "There's no actual navigating involved. Though if it makes you feel better, you can hold the map."

"Yeah, whatever," Christian muttered. "Way to be patronizing, Miz."

"I'm not trying to be," Miz sighed. "I seriously need a nap. For two or three days." He took a bite of his food and stared out the window to where Mark and Punk were trying to coax Matt out of the playplace.

"I guess I can drive," JJ said. "Though if Rey doesn't want to sit up front, Beth can help me."

"You must be joking," Christian said. "He destroyed the GPS. Knowing our luck, he'll think the map is lying to him and try to RKO it."

"Did it look like a freeway to you?" Randy asked icily.

"I couldn't say," Christian replied. "Being blind and all."

"Well, whatever," Miz said. "You guys work this out amongst yourselves. I'm going to finish my breakfast, then go to sleep. Give me a few hours, and then I'll take over again." He sighed. "I should probably go out and help Punk and Mark with Jeff."

Randy turned to see where he was looking. "I can do that."

"Don't actually hurt him," Miz said. "Just remind him that if doesn't eat, McDonald's is going to repossess his happy meal toys."

"Sounds like fun," Randy said. "and if that doesn't work, I'll chase him down in the playplace and drag him out by his hair." He wandered outside.

"That sounds painful," Christian said. "But it explains why Orton keeps his hair so short."

"Is it bad that I'm too tired to stop him?" Miz asked.

"It's been a long night, Undertaker," JJ said. "None of us are going to blame you for not keeping a sharp eye on Beth and Drew every moment of the day."

"This is the worst babysitting job ever," Miz agreed with a chuckle. "Full time, with no pay to speak of. And not all that rewarding, either."

"It's only another day's drive," Christian pointed out, "and then we'll be in Miami and we can get to the bottom of this thing."

"Only if we don't stop at SeaWorld," Miz said.

"I'm sure Jeff's forgotten about that by now," Christian said.

JJ gave Christian a look of disbelief. "Drew doesn't forget about anything."

Miz gave JJ a thoughtful look. "So he's Drew even when he's Jeff?"

JJ shrugged. "Even when you call him by another name, he's Drew. He's always Drew."

"That certainly complicates things," Miz said. "Since you can't exactly watch him for me, no matter which personality is in charge. You call him Drew, and it's all over. He'll be Matthew or Godzilla for sure."

"It might make life less complicated if he were Godzilla or Matthew," Christian pointed out. "Jeff's whiny and annoying."

"So's Matt," Miz said. "What's your point?"

Mark came back and sat down. "Being a waiter makes me tired. I'm going to be a car wash when I'm less tired."

"Thanks for the warning," Miz said. "But as soon as we're done eating, we have to be back on the road."

"I can't be a car wash on the road," Mark said. "I can be a siren, though. WOOOOOO!" he shrieked, as loudly as he could, causing everyone in the restaurant to turn and look at him.

Miz clapped his hands over his ears. "Mark!" he yelled. "Stop that! You are not a siren!"

Mark stopped and stared at Miz. "I'm not?"

"No. You're… um…" He looked at JJ and Christian for help. "Uh, you're…"

"Asleep," Christian supplied.

"Oh, okay!" Mark said, and he put his head down on the table and made loud snoring noises.

"Thanks," Miz said, glaring at Mark, "but I'm not sure how much better this is. People are staring."

"Like I can see them," Christian said, as he patted his tray, looking for food. In the process, he knocked over his juice. "Uh, I think I spilled, and it's getting on my pants."

"I guess we're done," Miz said, pushing his tray back. "JJ, can you help Christian get changed?"

"Sure," JJ said. "We'll meet you in the car, Undertaker."

"I'm going to go check on Punk and the others," Miz said. "Should we wake Mark?"

"I say let him sleep," Christian said. "We'll be back in a minute anyway and in the meantime, we won't have to deal with him being a shark or something."

"Or a car wash," Miz said, which caused Mark to sit up, grinning.

"I'm a car wash!" he announced.

Miz groaned. "I spoke too soon," he said. "I'm going outside. Take your time getting changed, Christian. I'm sure Jeff isn't done with his food just yet, anyway."


	43. Miz Reassures Jeff

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Whoa! Sorry, guys. I kind of fell off the planet for a few days. Felt completely uninspired and didn't get anything done. Hopefully, that's over now and I'll be updating more regularly.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 43: Miz Reassures Jeff

"So is JJ driving?" Punk asked, when Miz came out to see if Matt was finished yet. Randy was standing over him, glaring at a tearful Matt.

"Yeah. Uh, Randy, what did you say to Jeff?"

"What you told me to," Randy said, looking up at Miz. "If he doesn't finish his food, McDonald's is going to repossess his toys. All of them. And Betsy, too."

"Nooo!" Matt wailed. "They can't take Betsy! He's not a toy, he's a people, disguised as a fishy!"

Miz sighed. "Jeff," he said, sitting down beside Matt, "they're not going to take Betsy."

"You promise?" Matt asked, sniffling.

"Yep, I promise. I would never let them do that."

Matt threw his arms around Miz and squeezed him. "Thank you thank you thank you!"

"Erg," Miz said. "Jeff, I can't breathe."

"Sorry," Matt said, releasing Miz. "But I was so scared." He nodded.

"Yeah," Randy said, "food is scary sometimes. That's why it's more fun to bite people."

Miz gave Randy a dirty look. "Maybe you ought to check on Mark, Orton."

Randy looked up at the window behind Miz. "Don't think I need to," he said.

"Oh? Why not?" Miz asked.

"Because they're throwing him out right now?" Randy said.

Miz turned around to see that, sure enough, the staff of McDonald's was attempting to eject Mark. Miz sighed. "Great." He opened the door. "Come on, Mark."

"But I'm a car wash!" Mark was protesting to the manager who had helped Miz out. The man shot Miz a sympathetic look, but nonetheless, pointed toward the door. A dejected Mark Henry came outside a moment later. "No one appreciates a good car wash anymore," he said with a sigh.

"It's a sad world," Miz agreed. "Come on, let's get in the car."

"But I'm not done with my food yet," Matt said worriedly, his brow crinkling. "Are they going to steal my toys?"

"They'll have to catch us first," Miz said. "Come on. You can finish your food in the car."

"There goes my deposit," Punk muttered, "because there's no way he won't get ketchup on everything."

"Small price to pay," Miz said.

"Easy for you to say," Punk grumbled. "It's not your credit card that's going to get charged for it."

Miz picked up Matt's food and stuffed it into one of the happy meal boxes. "Don't forget my cars!" Matt demanded, dropping both cars on top of the food. "I don't want them to get stealed by McDonald's peoples!"

"Right," Miz agreed, sealing up the box and handing it to Matt.

"Where are Christian and JJ?" Punk asked.

"They'll meet us at the car," Miz said, as he took the keys from his pocket. "Come on, Jeff. Let's go sit in the car and you can tell Betsy all about your adventure."

"Yay! I'm going to tell Betsy about how you saved him from the evil McDonald's employees!"

"That sounds good," Miz agreed. He felt a little bit bad about that, since the manager had helped him out, but not bad enough to tell Matt otherwise.

"I'm a dark and stormy night," Mark said. "Shivery!"

Randy sighed. "I suppose you're making me sit with the dark and stormy night?" he said to Miz.

"It's easiest," Miz confirmed. "Punk and I need our sleep, and this way, you can help Christian and JJ if they need it."

Randy gave Miz a thoughtful look. "If you and Punk are both asleep, then Christian is in charge of my anger management."

"Yes," Miz agreed.

"And Christian is a lot less strict than you or Punk. Which means I might get to bite someone today."

"Just try to keep it from waking me up," Miz muttered.

"No promises," said Randy with a shrug. "It's been ages since I bit anyone."

"You bit people at Denny's," Miz said.

"Oh, I've slept since then," Randy said.

"Jeff, you get in first," Punk said to Matt. "And Miz can sit by you, and I'll sit on the end."

"But I want to sit by both of you," Matt said, pouting.

"Well, Betsy's in the cup holder," Punk said, "which is by the window, and he misses you."

Matt continued to pout. "Just let him sit in the middle," Miz said. "I don't care. I'll sit by the window and he can sit between us."

"Yay!" Matt said.

"That's great," Punk muttered. "Now instead of just you being covered in ketchup, we can both be covered in it."

Miz said, "Oh, is that why you wanted me to sit between you two? That hardly seems like something Jesus would do."

Punk sighed. "Fine. But if he gets ketchup all over me, I am so baptizing the demons out of him the next time we stop!"

"I have demons?" Matt asked, blinking. "Are they fun demons?"

"Aren't they all fun demons?" Randy asked, smiling at Matt.

Miz stared at Randy for a long moment. "That question explains so much," he finally said before he climbed into the car. Matt was next, followed by Punk.

"I'm a passenger van," Mark said as he followed the others into the SUV and resumed his seat. Randy was the last one in.

"I think I'll put on my tanner tonight," Randy said to Miz and Punk conversationally. "I feel pale."

"Sounds good," Miz said with a yawn, before he put his head against the window. By the time Christian and JJ rejoined the group, Miz was already asleep.


	44. Miz Gets Sidetracked

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 44: Miz Gets Sidetracked

Miz came awake slowly, listening to the sound of the engine and the murmur of his fellow inmates. He stretched, opening his eyes to take in the afternoon light. "How long was I out?" he asked Matt.

"I have no idea," Matt said. Miz noticed that Matt wasn't covered in ketchup, something he'd been worried about.

"Who are you?" Miz asked, after a moment.

Matt gave him a weird look. "Matt Hardy," he said.

"That works," Miz said. He looked past Matt to a still sleeping Punk before turning his head so he could watch JJ and Christian, up at the front. "Any idea where we are?" he asked Matt.

Matt stared at him. "How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked finally.

"Um, none?" Miz said, blinking at Matt.

"Fair enough," Matt said, frowning. "Can you tell me your name?"

"Miz," Miz said.

"Well, that's good," Matt said with a sigh, leaning back in his seat. "For a minute there, I thought maybe you wouldn't know."

Miz said, "Why wouldn't I know who I was?"

"Well, you didn't know who I was, or where we are…"

"Do you know where we are?" Miz said, annoyed.

"I wasn't paying attention," Matt said.

"We're in the land of enchantment," Mark said, turning to give the two of them a serious look.

"New Mexico?" Miz said. "Because if that's the case, we're way off course."

"But still headed south," Punk muttered, his eyes still closed. "So at least they got that part right."

"A little further west than I'd like, though," Miz said. "How long was I asleep?"

"Hey, everyone's awake," Christian said to JJ.

"Okay, Rey," JJ said. "I think we ought to pull over soon, anyway, to get something to eat."

"Good idea," Christian said. "I know just the place." He leaned over and said something to JJ that Miz couldn't hear.

JJ said, "Are you sure about that, Rey?"

Christian said, "Not entirely, but it's worth a shot, right?"

JJ shrugged. "I guess."

"What are they up to?" Punk asked, opening his eyes and looking toward Christian and JJ.

"No idea," Miz said.

Matt leaned across Miz, frowning at the window. "Hey, this looks kind of familiar," he said.

Miz shoved Matt back. "Watch it, will you?" he said.

"You're cranky today, aren't you?" Matt said.

"You would be too, if people were getting into your private space," Miz snapped.

"He does seem more touchy than usual," Punk said. Miz glared at him. "Just an observation."

"Well, keep it to yourself. I thought it was bad, being cooped up with you guys in the hospital. This is a million times worse. At least there, I could find a quiet spot and sleep."

"Keep it together, new guy," said Pixie, crawling out from under the seat in front of him.

"God save me from the talking cat!" Miz said.

"I guess he doesn't want to today," Punk said with a shrug.

Miz balled up a fist and lunged across Matt, aiming for Punk. "Whoa!" Matt said, trying to get out of the way of the two of them.

"What did I do?" Punk demanded, as he fell from the seat, smacking his head against the doorframe. He winced.

"I'm a wax figure!" Mark said. "See?" He held still, smiling eerily.

"No one cares!" Miz growled at him, before he attempted to chase Punk, though Matt caught him and held him back from assaulting the straightedge superstar.

"You're never going to get anywhere like that," Pixie said, jumping up into the spot that Punk had fallen out of so she could groom her paws.

Punk, meanwhile, was clutching his head and glaring at Miz. "You idiot!" he said. "I got six stitches put in my head last night!"

"How about six more?" Miz asked, again trying to lunge past Matt, who was somehow holding him back.

"I get to bite the winner!" Randy said, his eyes darting between Miz and Punk. "Or maybe the loser. Whichever."

JJ pulled the car off the road. "Stop it!" he yelled at Miz. "Undertaker!"

Miz said to Matt, "Let go of me, or I'll kill you in your sleep."

Matt pulled back as though he'd been burned. "Fine," he said.

Punk glared at Matt. "If he kills me, I am so haunting you for it, Hardy!"

"No one is killing anyone," JJ said. He turned the SUV off and got out. A minute later, he opened the back door, causing Punk to nearly tumble to the ground.

"Hey, careful!" Punk said.

"Come on, Hornswoggle," JJ said, taking Punk's arm. "We're stopping for food. Maybe by the time we're done here, Undertaker will be feeling less angry."

Randy and Mark got out, followed by Matt. "Hey," he said with a frown. "This looks really familiar."

"It does?" Christian asked Randy.

"I'm over here," Matt said absently, as he walked toward the building, the others trailing him.

JJ turned to Miz. "Are you coming?"

"Maybe I'd better stay put," Miz said, "at least until I feel less like I'm going to kill someone."

"Good idea," JJ said. "Be sure and lock up if you come in." He nodded to Miz, then turned. "Ah, Rey!" he called, jogging across the parking lot to rescue Christian from getting run over by the cars in the lot. "Come on," he said, "the door's this way."

"Thanks, JJ," Christian said with a sigh. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Miz slid out of the SUV and leaned against the vehicle, his eyes on JJ and Christian. Finally, with a sigh, he locked the door and slammed it then, head down, crossed the lot so he could join the others inside the building.


	45. Miz Makes A Decision

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 45: Miz Makes A Decision

The faded sign outside said, "The Chuckwagon." By the time Miz got to the porch, the others were inside. Matt was chatting up the waitress, smiling and laughing. The sight made Miz feel even more annoyed than he had been in the car. Luckily, though, he was no longer feeling violent. The restaurant itself had that truck stop feel, a transient place where no one stayed for long. Miz followed the others and took a seat at the table, frowning at the menu. When the waitress walked away, he looked up and studied the others.

"What was that?" Punk asked, across from him.

"Sorry," Miz said. "I don't know what came over me."

"Hey," Matt said, looking around the table. "You guys realize we're not too far from my house, right?"

"We aren't?" Miz said, his eyes on the menu again. "That's nice. How's the steak here? Any good?"

Matt frowned. "I haven't been home in two months," he said. "And we're like twenty miles away."

"Okay," Miz said. "Maybe I should have something other than the steak. What do you think, Punk?"

"I think Matt wants to go home," Punk said.

Miz sighed, looking up at Matt finally. "Yeah, I got that, too. But the thing is, we've got somewhere to be."

"Not until Tuesday," Matt said. "Come on, wouldn't it be nice to sleep in a bed again?"

"Sure," Miz said, "but don't you think they'll be watching our houses?"

"That seems kind of paranoid," Matt said.

Miz laughed. "I saw their damned robot and rather than sit me down and say, 'Hey, Miz, you caught us. Can you keep a secret?' they sedated me and shipped me off to live in crazyland, and you think I'm paranoid?"

"Well, you do have a big mouth," Punk said, causing Miz to glare at him.

"Do you think it's a good idea?" Miz asked Punk.

"What could it hurt?" Punk said.

"What if evil Matt's there?" Miz asked.

"Matthew?" Punk said. "Do you think he's escaped from Matt's head?"

Miz turned to Randy. "Hey, Orton," he said, "remember how you asked me if you could bite someone?"

"Yes?" Randy said.

"Well, you can, so long as it's Punk."

"All right!" Randy said, rubbing his hands together and smirking at Punk.

"Hey!" Punk protested. "Not cool!"

"Maybe not," Miz said, "but you brought it on yourself."

"I don't think I did," Punk said. "It was a valid question. How could evil Matt be anywhere but in Matt's head?"

"I mean robot Matt," Miz said.

"Well, you didn't clarify that," Punk said, sitting back and pulling his menu open. "Try the steak," he said after a moment.

"You think?" Miz asked.

Punk shrugged. "Why not? Especially if we're staying overnight at Matt's."

Matt perked up. "We are?" he asked.

Miz sighed. "I'm not going to regret it if I say yes, am I?"

"No, absolutely not," Matt said, grinning ear to ear. "I'll make sure you have a room to yourself tonight."

Fine," Miz agreed. "Then we'll stay at Matt's tonight."

"Yes!" Matt said.

"But after we have lunch," Miz said with a sigh. "Anyone seen the waitress?"

"Right here," said their waitress, popping up behind Miz, making him clutch his chest in fear. "Were you ready to order?"

"I am," Punk said.

Miz glared at the waitress. "I think you just scared five years off my life."

"Sorry," she said.

Mark said, "I'm an LOLcat! I can has cheeseburger?"

The waitress grinned at him. "Om nom nom?" she said, making Mark beam back at her.

"Yesplease!" he said.

Miz watched this exchange, brow furrowed in confusion. "Is it just me," he said to Punk, "or did things take another left turn at crazy?"

"No more lefts," Randy said. "They never lead to freeways."

Punk smirked. "Surely you've seen the LOLcats? I don't spend much time online and even I've seen the damned things."

"And for you?" the waitress said, turning to Miz.

"I'd like a dose of sanity, please. Oh, and the steak, well done."

"I'll get the steak," she said, "but the sanity may be harder to find. Sure you want me to look for it?"

"I like her," Matt said to Miz. "She's funny."

"Well, don't ask if we can keep her," Miz grumbled. "The car's crowded as it is."

"But she's funny," Matt said, "and way more interesting than you guys."

"You seem to be in a very good mood today, Mr. Hardy," said the waitress. "It's nice to see that. The last time you were in, you seemed pretty unhappy to me."

Matt frowned. "When was that?"

She glanced up at the ceiling. "About a week ago. You met your brother here, and then the two of you got into an argument about something. He paid the bill and tipped me, then left. I came over to see if you wanted anything else, more coffee or something, but you were staring into space and it took me a good five minutes to get your attention, and then you said, 'No thanks,' and you left. You don't remember that?"

"Sorry," Matt said, shaking his head, "I've had a lot on my mind lately." He waited until she'd taken the rest of the orders and left the table before turning to Miz and Punk. "What do you make of that?"

"Of what?" Miz asked.

"What Carrie said."

"Who's Carrie?" Miz asked.

"Our waitress!" Matt said.

"Oh. That thing about you and Jeff fighting?"

Matt nodded. "Yeah. Weird, right?"

"It just shows that your evil twin has been through this place," Miz said, "and we ought to be careful."

Matt sighed. "I wonder what he and Jeff were arguing about?"

"Maybe you ought to ask chatty Carrie," Miz said. "She seems to know everything else about you."


	46. Miz Loses Control Of The Situation

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 46: Miz Loses Control Of The Situation

Matt stopped Carrie when she was setting the food down on the table. "So, do you happen to know what it was Jeff and I were fighting about?"

Carrie frowned at him. "I wasn't eavesdropping, if that's what you're asking," she said. "Jeff comes in here all the time, and he's almost always happy. It seems like the only time he isn't is when you come in with him. There's usually an argument, but it's none of my business what it's about."

Matt sighed. "Thanks, Carrie," he said. "You've been a big help."

Mark picked up his cheeseburger and said, "I has cheeseburger!" before taking a huge bite. "Om nom nom," he muttered around the food.

Carrie smiled at him. "If you need anything else, don't hesitate to ask." Then she was gone.

"What do you suppose we argue about?" Matt asked.

"There's one way to find out," Punk said. "Maybe we ought to try calling on Jeff and see what happens."

Miz said, "I don't think that's such a good idea. Jeff's been dealing with robot Matt for the last few months. What's going to happen if our Matt becomes someone else while talking to Jeff?"

Randy picked his steak up off the plate and gnawed on it like a dog, his head tilted toward the conversation. Matt watched this, fascinated, before he pulled his attention back to Miz and Punk. "I'll be fine," he said. "I'd like to know what Jeff thinks of the robot Matt."

"Why?" Miz asked.

Matt sighed. "Because my brother and I are extremely close," he said, "and if they've fooled him with the robot me, then what chance do we have of convincing the world that this is real? We're going to come off, sounding like crackpots."

"It's a risk we have to take," Punk said, "if we're going to clear our names and get our jobs back."

Miz shook his head. "Let's just have our one night of rest and then get back on the road, okay? We've got too much going on for you to plan a family reunion, Matt."

"Maybe we ought to play it by ear," JJ said. "If his brother shows up, fine, and if not, fine. Trying to avoid his brother while at his house may be pretty impossible."

"Good point, JJ," Miz said. "Maybe we ought to rethink going to Matt's house, after all."

"But I want to go!" Matt whined. "I haven't been home in forever and I miss my house!"

Miz glanced at Punk, who was staring intently at Matt. "If you keep pushing, he's going to slide into another personality," Punk said finally, meeting Miz's eyes. "Just let him be. JJ's right. We should play it by ear, see what happens. If we run into the real Jeff, fine. We'll deal with it. But it'll be a lot easier if Matt isn't Jeff, too."

Miz stared down at his food. "Fine," he muttered. "But for the record? I'm already regretting this decision."

%

They finished lunch and tipped Carrie, then got back on the road. Christian seemed to know the way to Matt's house almost as well as Matt did, something that meant that JJ and Christian stayed in the front for the twenty or so miles to Matt's. For his part, Matt stared out the window in his newly claimed window seat, leaving Miz to sit between him and Punk. When they finally pulled into the driveway, Matt couldn't stand it anymore. He barreled over the seat in front of him, onto Randy and he was pulling the door to the SUV open before they'd come to a full stop.

"Wow," Punk muttered, watching as Matt ran for the front door. "I wonder how he expects us to get in."

"Probably has a hidden key," Miz suggested.

"Yeah, good point," Punk said. They waited for Mark and Randy to get out before leaving the car. "Except I'm not sure he knows where it is. Look." He indicated Matt, who was overturning planters and kicking rocks near the door.

"Think his evil twin moved it?" Miz asked.

"That, or he's just not very organized."

Matt came back to the gathering superstars. "Normally, I leave a key, but I can't find it."

"Well, if we're going to be stuck out here…" Miz began.

"No, don't worry," Matt said, grinning. "Jeff and Beth have a spare key. We can just pop on over to their house and grab it, and then we'll be back in business."

"Look," Miz said, "the less contact we have with everyone who knows us, the better."

"Well, my only other choice is to break in," Matt said, "and hope that no one notices, because I have no idea where the spare key is."

"Let's approach this logically," Punk said. "If you were a robot, where would you hide a spare key?"

"I'm a robot! I don't need a spare key," Mark piped up.

"Why not?" Matt asked.

"Because robots don't lose keys!" Mark said.

"Well," Punk muttered, "he has a point." He turned to JJ. "Do you think you can jimmy the lock?"

JJ stepped up onto the porch and crouched down to stare at the lock. "Doesn't look too hard," he said. "You need better security, Drew."

Matt froze, his eyes widening. He stared at JJ for a long moment, mouth working. From behind him, Randy piped up, "Drew, Drew, Drew!"

That decided him. "Rar!" Matt screamed, rushing at JJ, who stumbled back against the door as Godzilla-Matt attacked. They smacked the door hard, rattling the frame.

"Orton!" Miz shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Randy smirked and followed Matt onto the porch. He knelt down beside him and leaned over so he could say, very softly, "Drew."

Matt screamed in rage and reared back, slamming into the door a second time. This time, the cracking of the frame gave them a moment's warning before the door itself gave and let Matt tumble inside, his teeth now firmly planted in JJ's arm while the latter shrieked, "Get Drew off of me!"

"I need Pepsi!" Punk shouted, following them in. The others were close behind. Miz attempted to pry Matt off JJ. Christian tripped over a side table, causing a vase to crash to the floor.

"I'm a pallet of baked goods!" Mark announced, pushing Punk, who ran into Miz, sending the two of them crashing on top of Matt and JJ. Orton stalked after Christian, a gleam in his eye. The room was in chaos, with shouting, crashing and Orton landing an RKO on Christian.

In fact, it was so loud that none of them noticed the new arrival until he was standing in the doorway, anger plain on his face. "What the hell is going on here?" Jeff Hardy shouted.


	47. Miz Tries To Explain

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 47: Miz Tries To Explain

Miz managed to disentangle himself from the others, pushing Punk off him and onto the floor. "Oh, hi, Jeff."

"You just broke into my brother's house and all you can say is 'oh, hi, Jeff'?"

"We didn't exactly break in…" Miz began. Jeff ran his hand down the doorframe, then turned to Miz, his eyebrows raised. "Okay, so we did break in," Miz amended. "But we have Matt's permission to be here!"

"Then why didn't you use the key?" Jeff asked. "And what are you doing?"

Miz had turned away and was trying to pry JJ and Matt apart. "Trying to show you that we have permission - ugh, Godzilla, let JJ go! - to be here." He finally managed to separate Matt and JJ, then hauled Matt to his feet.

"Matt?" Jeff said in disbelief. "What are you doing here? You were supposed to be on your way to Florida this morning."

"Rar?" Matt said.

"And we are on our way there," said Miz hastily. "But Matt kindly offered to let us stay with him tonight." He muttered, "Come on, quit being Godzilla and go back to being Matt already."

"What are you whispering?" Jeff wanted to know.

"Nothing."

Punk finally spoke up. "He's telling him who to be, but that never works with Matt. The only person it works with is Mark."

"I'm a sea clown!" Mark said. "Arf! Arf!" He smiled and clapped.

"Uh," Jeff said, frowning.

"Sea clowns are annoying," Christian said, as he ran into a wall. Randy turned Christian away from the wall. "Oh, thanks, JJ." Christian walked in the direction he'd been pointed and promptly tripped over the real JJ. "Ow!"

JJ sighed. "Rey," he said, "Drew bit me."

"Raaar!" Matt shrieked, as he tried to launch himself at JJ again.

Miz wrapped his arms around Matt and tried to hold him back. "Well, don't just stand there!" he snapped at Jeff. "Help me with your brother."

Jeff blinked. "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't care!" Miz said. "Just make it stop!"

Jeff approached Matt. "Matty?" he said. "Matty, is that really you?"

Matt closed his eyes, his struggles ceasing. "Who else would it be?" he asked, after a long moment.

"Godzilla, Jeff or Matthew," Punk answered helpfully.

Jeff stared at Punk. "Uh, no. I'm Jeff. Did Punk hit his head or something?" he asked Miz.

"He's been doing drugs," Miz confided.

"I have not!" said the straightedge superstar. "I keep telling you, that hospital mixed up my test results with someone else's!"

"Wait," Jeff said. "So after all those promos, and all the horrible things you said to me… now you're doing drugs? I guess you're not better than me after all, huh?"

"Don't gloat," Miz advised. "It's not becoming."

"This from the guy who won't shut up about his United States Championship title?" Jeff said. "Right. I'll keep that in mind, thanks."

Matt said, "Hey, Miz, I know we're friends and all, but do you think you could stop hugging me now? It's getting a little weird."

Miz released Matt. "Whatever," he said, dropping onto the couch. Punk found his way into an adjacent chair a moment later. "Maybe we should have kept going."

"No!" Matt said, his eyes wide and a panicky look on his face.

"Uh, Miz," Punk said, "be careful. He's close to switching again."

"As long as it's not Godzilla," Miz said, "I don't care. Maybe we ought to leave him here with Jeff. Let him deal with Matt."

"The idea has merit," Punk agreed. "But what happened to your paranoia about the house being watched?"

Miz shrugged. "So he'll be in two places at once. I'm sure Jeff can protect him from Vince and the others, right?"

"I thought you said we needed everyone," JJ said, joining Miz on the couch. "That was what you said when I wanted to stay behind."

"Yeah," Miz said, "but look at him. He doesn't want to go with us. He wants to stay here with Jeff."

"Uh," Jeff said, "I've got to go to work in a couple of days. In fact, I was on my way out when I saw Matt's door open and came in to see what was going on." He shook his head. "And in all honesty, I still have no idea what's going on."

"It would take too long to explain," Miz said.

"Give him the short version," Punk suggested.

"Where do I start?"

Punk said, "Fine, I'll do it." He turned to Jeff. "Your brother has been in a mental hospital for the last few months. He's got a multiple personality problem. The WWE is being overrun with robots that look just like us. That's who you're seeing every week, when you see Matt. That's who's been living here for the past couple months, too."

Jeff turned to Miz. "Drugs, you say?" he said. "What kind? Because those are some serious hallucinations that Punk is having."

"Hey!" Punk said.

"He's telling you the truth," Miz said. "As far fetched as it seems, it's real." Miz dug through his pockets and held up a pack of gum. "Hey, Jeff, I have gum."

Jeff frowned. "What?"

"Gum!" Matt yelled, launching himself at Miz. "And I can have it, right? The whole pack?"

"Sure," Miz said, holding out the package. "Just tell me your name."

"Jeff Hardy!" Matt said, giggling.

Jeff stared at Matt, the anger returning to his features as he watched. "I do not sound like that," he said finally.


	48. Miz Enlists Help

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 48: Miz Enlists Help

"Of course you don't," Miz agreed, handing over the gum finally. "No bubbles," he told Matt, who pouted. "You don't want to get gum all over Matt's floors."

"But I'm really super good at bubbles!" Matt said.

Miz shook his head. "Not this time, buddy," he said. "Maybe when we're in the car."

"Yay!" Matt said.

"No!" Punk said. "I may be Jesus, but even I can't get sticky gum out of the carpet in the SUV!"

Miz stood up. "Maybe we ought to talk about this in the kitchen," he said to Jeff. "Where certain people can't hear what we're saying."

"Fine," Jeff said.

"Okay. Um, which way is the kitchen?"

Jeff sighed. "I'll show you. Right this way."

When they reached the kitchen, Miz sat down at the table. "I'm sorry we're springing this on you."

"What? The fact that Matt's nuts, or the fact that the rest of you are?"

Miz said, "I can see how you'd think that. But please, the thing about the robots in the WWE is true. We're in a lot of trouble. We escaped from their asylum and now they're probably looking for us."

"The robots have an asylum?"

"No! Vince has an asylum."

Jeff sat down across from Miz. "I'd like to believe you, Miz. I really would. But you aren't asking me to believe in something that makes sense. I mean, come on. Matt's been here off and on for the entire time that you claim he was in the hospital. How do you explain that?"

"The Matt you had here was a robot."

"I'm sorry," Jeff said. "I'm not buying that."

"Didn't he seem different to you? More aloof, maybe?"

"Well, he's been working a lot," Jeff said with a shrug.

"We stopped at the Chuckwagon, and the waitress said that you and Matt are in there a lot, and that you seem to be arguing almost constantly. Yet Matt had no recollection of ever being in there before today. How do you explain that?"

"Honestly?" Jeff said. "I figured he was getting into some kind of heavy drugs. I even confronted him on it at the Chuckwagon… Oh." He frowned. "Come to think of it, his behavior has been getting weirder by the day."

"What did he say when you confronted him?"

"He laughed and told me that even if he were doing hard drugs, it was none of my business, so butt out. And then he went all brick wall on me."

"Brick wall?"

"You know, staring into space and completely ignoring me. It was like I'd ceased to exist, so I got the hell out of there."

"After paying the waitress, of course." Jeff gave him an odd look. "What? She mentioned it."

"Oh." Jeff ran a hand through his hair. "So that Matt in there is the real Matt and the one that's been living here is a robot?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Robot Matt's a jerk."

Miz chuckled. "Real Matt is kind of annoying."

Jeff smirked. "So what am I supposed to do with him? Especially if he thinks he's me?"

"That could get a bit confusing," Miz agreed. "But he doesn't think he's you all the time. If you call him Drew, he'll be either Matthew or Godzilla, depending."

Jeff stared at Miz. "Are you guys messing with me?"

"No," Miz said.

"And Punk is the only one on drugs?"

Miz said, "Well, we were all on something when we were at the asylum, but we should be clean now."

"So that Matt… is really my brother?"

"Yeah," Miz said. "Scary, right?"

Jeff blinked. "I guess it makes a weird kind of sense. Except why does he think he's me?"

"Maybe he's jealous?" Miz said. "You did have that whole feud over the belt thing going on."

"Yeah, but that's just creative. You know that."

"Sure," Miz said, "but what if it wasn't? He sold it pretty well, Jeff. What if he was honestly jealous of you?"

"Then he's really lost his mind," Jeff muttered. "What does he have to be jealous of?"

"Dude," Miz said, "you're not even with the company any more and he's still living in your shadow. What wouldn't he be jealous of? You're a complete success and he's just hanging on, waiting for someone to notice him and give him a shot at something."

Jeff sighed. "I cracked under the pressure. Matt's so much stronger than me."

"Is he really?" Miz asked, standing up. "Or is he currently in his own living room, pretending to be you while chewing an entire pack of gum?" He pushed open the kitchen door to show Jeff what Matt was doing. "Jeff! I thought we agreed! No bubbles!"

"I'm a bubble!" Mark said, dancing past the door. "See me float away. Whee!"

Miz let the door fall closed with a sigh. "You see what I'm working with? There are moments when Matt is the least weird guy out there."

Jeff shook his head. "Where are you headed after this?"

"Miami."

"Good. I'll come with you. Orlando's on the way. That'll give me a chance to talk to Dixie about taking some time off. Matt needs me, and I'm not going to let him down again."

"Thanks," Miz said. "Oh, one more thing."

"What?"

"You're driving your car down to Orlando, right?"

"Yeah."

"Great. Then your brother and Betsy can ride with you."

"Okay." Jeff paused. "But who's Betsy?"

"Ask your brother," Miz said with a grin. "I'm sure he'll tell you all about him."


	49. Miz Gets Rolling

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 49: Miz Gets Rolling

They woke up early the next morning, as Miz was eager to get back on the road. After a quick consultation with Jeff, Miz got everyone rounded up and back into the SUV, with the exception of the Hardys. JJ and Christian took the very back seat, leaving Orton to sit next to Mark in the middle and Punk in the passenger seat. They were an hour down the road when Punk said, "It's so much quieter without Matt and Betsy."

"I don't have anyone to bother," said Randy with a sigh.

"I'm a ring tailed lemur," Mark muttered.

Miz glanced in the rear view mirror. "I wonder how Matt and Jeff are getting along?" he said, watching Jeff's car for a second before turning his attention back to the road.

"Maybe he's Matthew right now," said Randy sadly. "Or Godzilla."

"He's probably Jeff or Matt," Punk said, trying to console the Viper.

"Maybe," said Randy.

"Hey, maybe we ought to play a game," Punk said.

"I'm a game," Mark said, perking up. "In fact, I'm the game!" He grabbed his water bottle and spit water into the air, showering Miz and Randy in the process.

"Ew!" Miz said, swerving. "Don't do that!"

"But I'm Triple H!" Mark said.

"I'd bite you," Randy said to Mark, "but we're both covered in spitty water, and it's gross."

"Well, that explains why he's never bitten Triple H," Punk said to Miz.

"Hmm, it's kind of like Viper repellant," Miz agreed. "Good to know."

Randy pouted and settled for hitting Mark. "Ow! Randy hit me!" Mark said.

"Well, you did get us all covered in gross spitty water," Miz said.

"I'm fine," Punk said. "The water missed me."

"Us too," Christian said, while JJ nodded.

"Maybe I should let one of you drive," Miz said. "It's hazardous up here."

"Oh, me!" said Mark. "I'm a formula one racer!"

"No!" Miz said. "I was thinking more along the lines of the blind guy or the drug addict, or maybe the guy with anger issues. Or JJ, if he wants to."

"I am not a drug addict!" Punk said.

"Thanks, Undertaker," JJ said from the back, "but I'm good here."

"We're playing cards," Christian said.

"How are you playing cards?" Punk asked. "You're blind."

"I don't have to see the cards," Christian said. "JJ tells me what they are."

"I see. And how are you doing? Are you winning?"

Christian frowned. "I haven't won a hand yet, no. But I'm pretty sure I will this time." He held his cards up to JJ. "What have I got?"

"A pair of twos," JJ said.

Randy leaned over to look at the cards, then said to Punk, "He's got three aces."

"Darn, lost again," Christian said, handing his cards to JJ. "Another round?"

"Sure," JJ said. "Double or nothing?"

Christian sighed. "I already owe you a million dollars and the deed to my house. What else is there?"

"JJ!" Miz said.

"Don't judge me," JJ said.

"I can!" Punk told him. "Since I'm the son of God, I can totally judge you."

Randy frowned. "Can I play the loser?"

"Note to self," Miz muttered, "next time we have a poker night, invite Christian."

"I'm a rabid seal!" Mark said, snatching the cards from JJ and flinging them into the air. Miz swerved, distracted.

"Maybe you should let me drive," Punk said, "before you get pulled over for driving like you're drunk."

"Oh, sure," Miz said, "and if you get pulled over, that will be better?"

Punk shrugged. "I never get tickets. I'm Jesus. No one's going to cite the savior of all of mankind for driving too fast."

"No, but they might lock you up in the loony bin and throw away the key."

"Been there," Punk said, making eye contact with Miz, "escaped that."

"Not without my help!"

"Oh, please. What did you do?" Punk asked.

"Got plans from the cat?" Miz said. "Pulled everyone together?"

"The plan you got from the cat was awful," Punk said.

Miz shrugged. "Doesn't mean I didn't do it."

"Maybe you should throw him out," Mizbert said from her spot in the bag near Punk's feet.

"I need him," Miz said.

"Do you?" the Miz mallow asked.

"Who are you talking to?" Punk asked.

"Mizbert."

"Don't listen to her; she hates me," Punk said.

"And besides," Pixie said, crawling into Punk's lap and purring, "you're right. You do need Punk."

"Could someone hand me a Pepsi?" Punk said suddenly, his eyes on Pixie. "Pixie wants me to drink the holy drink and celebrate life."

Miz sighed. "He's demented."

"So? You're all demented," the cat countered.

"Drink more Pepsi," Punk sang softly to the purring cat. "Drink more Pepsi, drink more Pepsi."

"Although he is more demented than most," Pixie amended, rubbing her head against Punk's arm. "But I like him. He's got a certain appealing nuttiness to him."

"I miss Matthew," Randy sighed.

"I'm Matthew?" Mark said. "Grr."

"That's Godzilla," Randy said.

"Oh." Mark frowned. "Then I've got nothing, sorry."

"Hey, Undertaker?" JJ said from the back. "We may have a problem."

"Oh?"

"Drew and Spongebob just took the last exit off the freeway."

"Spongebob?" Miz echoed. "He's not even a wrestler!"

"It does sort of fit, though," Punk said. "Jeff did always seem like a cartoon character to me."

"I guess if anyone was going to be one," Miz said, "that makes the most sense. Okay, thanks, JJ." He sighed and got over so he could take the next exit. "I wonder why they pulled off?"

"Maybe they had to go to the bathroom or something," said Punk with a shrug. He took another drink of his Pepsi. "That might be a good idea, anyway."

Miz got off on the exit, then hopped the freeway going the opposite direction. He took the next exit. "Guess we'll know why in a minute," he said. "There they are."


	50. Miz Has To Separate Jeff And Jeff

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 50: Miz Has To Separate Jeff and Jeff

When they pulled up beside Jeff's car, it was immediately apparent that Matt was not happy. In fact, he was screaming and flailing while Jeff stood next to him, trying to talk to him. "What happened?" Miz asked, rolling down the window.

"Miz!" Matt said, tearfully. "Can Betsy and I please ride with you?"

Miz frowned. "Well…"

"Say yes!" Randy said.

"Sure," Miz said, "but you were really looking forward to riding with Jeff. What happened?"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said with a sniffle. "Not that mean, evil jerk!" He pointed to his brother.

Jeff turned to Miz. "We were driving down the road and he asked me if he could have a root beer. He's already drank six of them. I told him no. So he was pouting…"

"I was not pouting!" Matt yelled, crossing his arms and glaring at Jeff.

"Anyway," Jeff said, ignoring his brother, "I told him he could have some water, then asked if he'd pass me some water, too. He poured some water in a glass for me and handed it to me, so I took a big drink…" He made a face. "Only to discover that he'd passed me his damned fish!"

"He tried to kill Betsy!" Matt wailed.

"You handed me a glass with the fish in it and I drank the water!" Jeff said. "I drank nasty blue water with a fish in it!" He and Matt glared at one another. "And I wouldn't even have noticed, except for the second mouthful. I got the actual fish and it was wiggling in my mouth. I spit it back out and Matt started screaming."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt screamed.

"Kind of like that, only it was, 'You killed my fish!'" Jeff said. "But the fish is fine. I'm the one who's traumatized."

"How low can you get?" Randy muttered. "Even I would never hurt Betsy."

"You threatened to eat him with tartar sauce," Miz said.

"I was kidding," said Randy stubbornly.

"It's not like I set out to hurt your fish," Jeff said to Matt. "But you handed me a cup of water to drink with the fish in it."

"He has a name, and it's Betsy!" Matt shouted at Jeff. "Not Bob, not that fish and certainly not gak, why am I drinking toilet water, are you trying to kill me!"

Jeff looked embarrassed. "Well, what would you say if you found out you'd been drinking blue water?" he demanded of Miz.

Miz snickered. Jeff glared at him. "Sorry," he said, trying not to laugh. "But you have to admit, it is kind of funny."

"You'd think so," Jeff said. "But you'd be wrong. I wish I had a breath mint or something. I can't get the nasty fish taste out of my mouth."

"I thought you liked sushi?" Punk said.

"I do, but not when it's still alive!" Jeff said.

Punk said, "Here," and handed a Pepsi across Miz to Jeff.

"Thanks," Jeff said, accepting the can and taking a huge gulp of the drink.

"Sure." Punk got out of the SUV. "Hey, Jeff," he said, putting his arm around Matt. "Maybe you can take my spot in the SUV and sit up front with Miz."

"I think we should keep JJ and Matt apart," Miz said.

"I'm Jeff," said Matt.

"And possibly Orton," Miz said, as Randy leaned across Mark, his eyes on Matt. "Since he seems so bent on making Matt into Matthew."

"I'd take Godzilla," said Randy hopefully.

"Well," Punk said, "maybe we can figure something out. Orton and JJ can ride with Jeff…"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

"I mean the other Jeff," Punk said. "The mean one."

Matt stuck his tongue out at his brother, who rolled his eyes. "Whatever," Jeff said. "I'll probably end up dropping my car off in Orlando and riding with you guys, anyway."

"It's going to get mighty crowded in this SUV," Christian said.

"It's fine," Miz said. "We won't be going far. From Orlando to Miami is not so bad. And after that, we'll be back on the tour and everyone can go back to their respective shows and go on with their lives."

"Do you really think it'll be that easy?" Punk said. "Christian's blind, JJ's confused, you hear talking freaking sugar, Mark is a liar and Orton has anger issues. Not to mention Matt and his wonderful world of too many people living inside his head."

"Aren't you forgetting someone?" Miz asked.

Punk paused, counting them off on his fingers. "You, Orton, Christian, JJ, Matt, Mark. Nope, that's everyone."

"What about you, CM Jesus?" Miz asked.

"Oh, that. It's the truth, so it doesn't count."

"And yet you were in the crazy ward with the rest of us. Hmm."

Punk shrugged. "I told you, I was doing penance, waiting for my ascension."

"Right," Miz said, rolling his eyes. "That's how it's going to go down."

"But I need to talk to Jeff," he said, releasing Matt. "Mean Jeff. You see, the rest of you have received the straightedge message and have had the chance to be baptized by me. He hasn't yet."

"So basically you want to ride with him so you can pour holy Pepsi over him?" Miz said.

"Yes."

"Why?" Jeff asked. "Haven't I been assaulted enough?"

"He's like this with everyone," Miz said. "And he's surprisingly easier to deal with than, say, Orton, who will often bite you for no good reason. Unless you're covered in spitty water, that is."

"I've got blue fish water on me. Does that count?"

Randy wrinkled his nose. "Yes."

"Great. Then I'll take the Viper and JJ in my car."

"Hey!" Christian said. "What about me?"

"You should probably stay put," Miz advised. "Another hand of cards, and JJ's likely to own your soul."

"Oh, we already played for that," JJ said. "He lost."

"I suck at cards," Christian said. "But I'm pretty sure we didn't play for my soul yet."

JJ chuckled. "I was kidding, Rey."

"Want to play for it later?" Christian asked.

"No thanks," JJ said. "What would I do with your soul?"

Christian shrugged. "Keep it in a pretty jar on the mantel in my old house?"

"As entertaining as this conversation is," Miz said, "I'd like to get back on the road sometime today, guys. Daylight's burning. Jeff, you and Betsy hop in. Mean Jeff, you take Orton and JJ."

"Whatever," Jeff said. "Let's just get this over with."


	51. Miz Deals With Doubts

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 51: Miz Deals With Doubts

They stopped for dinner at a little roadside restaurant. The parking lot was nearly deserted, something that would normally have given Miz pause but which made him thank his lucky stars this time. He was tired of listening to Punk and Christian argue in the back, and doubly tired of the songs that Matt kept making up and singing loudly in the passenger seat. Not for the first time, Miz said, "Could you stop that, Jeff? I've got a headache," as they pulled into the parking lot.

"But it's Betsy's favorite song!" Matt protested, holding up the fish who was swimming in his much depleted blue water.

"That's what you've said about every song," Miz muttered, pulling the SUV into a parking space and waiting for Jeff to park beside them. "Hey, Jeff, how about you ride with the other Jeff again?"

"No!" Matt said, pouting. "He tried to eat Betsy!"

Miz sighed. "Then maybe I can ride with him," he said, as he slid out of the car. "Let someone else drive for a while." He followed Mark, Matt, Punk and Christian onto the sidewalk of the restaurant and waited for Jeff, Randy and JJ to get out.

"That was fun," Randy said.

"Oh?" Miz asked, and Randy smiled. "What did you do?"

"I'll tell you what he did," Jeff said. He joined the others, rubbing his elbow. "That psycho bit me!"

"He hasn't died yet because I used the slow acting venom," Randy said.

Miz turned to Jeff. "Don't worry. He's not really poisonous."

"I know," Jeff said, shooting a murderous glance at Randy. "But I'd still like to kill him for biting me."

Randy smiled at Jeff. "I was getting revenge on Betsy's behalf."

"Yay!" Matt said, throwing his arms around Randy and hugging. "Thank you, Randy, you're the bestest and my hero and Betsy's, too!"

Jeff rolled his eyes and muttered, "I do not sound like that. And I'm not Spongebob!" he snapped at JJ, who finally joined the others.

JJ said, "Sorry, Spongebob."

Jeff gritted his teeth and stared at Miz. "Have you been dealing with this the whole time?"

"This and worse," Punk confirmed. "Hey, do you think this place sells Pepsi?"

"Only one way to find out," Miz said. He pushed the door open and stepped into the restaurant, the others filing in behind him.

"Welcome to Louisa's!" the hostess said.

"Do you serve Pepsi?" Punk asked her.

"Sure!" said the hostess.

"All right," Punk said, turning to the others. "We can stay."

Jeff shook his head and they followed the hostess to a table. He sat next to Miz and when the others were engrossed in their menus, Jeff said, "I don't know how you deal with this. I thought Matt was okay, but he went crazy on me, and then that thing with Orton and that JJ guy… who the hell is he, anyway?"

"Cena," Miz said.

Jeff turned to stare at JJ, tilting his head and squinting. "Really?" he said. "I don't see it."

"Maybe if you took less drugs," Punk muttered from Miz's other side.

"Oh, okay, Mr. straightedge addict," Jeff said. "I'll listen to you."

Punk sat back, arms crossed, and pouted. Miz sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"I like crazy as much as the next guy," Jeff said, "but you guys are a bit overboard. Not you personally, Miz, but the rest of these guys…" He shook his head. "And I haven't seen Mark Henry say or do anything weird yet."

Punk snickered. "It's only a matter of time."

"I'm a baked potato!" Mark announced.

"And there it is," Punk said. He turned to Mark. "Getting baked is a bad idea, Mr. Potatohead. Maybe you should consider the straightedge Jesus as your savior. I'll have some nice Pepsi in just a minute…"

"Punk!" Miz snapped. "Don't you dare!"

Punk glared at Miz. "You know, you could try to be more supportive of me! I'm trying to save Mr. Potatohead's eternal soul and you're worried about me getting a little Pepsi on the rug!"

"I'm worried about you getting us kicked out of here!" Miz said.

Jeff watched the two of them argue for a moment before pushing his chair away from the table. "If you really cared…" Punk began, then paused. "Hey, Jeff, where you going?"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

"I mean the other Jeff," Punk told Matt.

"To get some fresh air," Jeff said.

Punk looked at Miz. "Maybe you ought to take his keys, make sure he doesn't run off on us."

Miz sighed. "Look, Punk, it's his choice to come or not. Besides, there's nothing wrong with getting a little air. Do you want us to order for you, Jeff?"

Jeff said, "Nah, I'll be back in a minute."

Punk and Miz watched him walk out. "Well, that's the last we'll see of him," Punk said. "And good riddance."

"I don't think it is," Miz said. "I think he probably needs time to take it all in."

"And then to run like hell," Punk muttered. "And I honestly can't blame him. We probably look like one of his bad drug trips, except he can run from us. But it's not like we don't know where he's headed."

"If he does go, we're not chasing him," said Miz firmly. "Everyone should get a choice."

"Why?" Punk asked. "We didn't."

"That's different," Miz said. "This is all about us. He and Matt used to be close, but other than them being brothers, it has nothing to do with him. So if he wants to run off and leave us here, it's his choice."

"You realize though, if he says something to Dixie about this, he could be putting us in even worse danger. Think of what Vince did when you found out, and just imagine what he'll do if he knows the competition knows."

Miz shuddered. "I hadn't thought about that," he said.


	52. Miz and Jeff Have A Talk

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 52: Miz And Jeff Have A Talk

"Hey, Jeff," Miz said. The others were eating, but Miz had been unable to get what Punk said out of his mind. Jeff stood on the porch of the restaurant, staring toward his car. "Aren't you hungry?"

Jeff continued to stare at the car and, beyond it, the road. "I keep thinking about when Matt and I were little, how things were. How he always protected me and looked out for me. And now he's in there, thinking he's me… He needs my help, more than I ever needed his, and the only thing I want to do is get in my car and run like hell." He glanced at Miz. "I guess that makes me a bad brother."

"I'd say that makes you human," Miz said. "Believe me, I know how you feel. These guys are… Well, they're crazy." He shrugged. "They're quirky and they have some serious problems. But they're also my friends. I could turn my back on them and walk away, and I don't think they'd fault me for it. But I don't know how I would live with myself if I did."

Jeff nodded. "Matt doesn't want me here," he said.

"Not right now," Miz agreed, "but he's in Jeff mode right now."

"Do you have any idea how weird that is?" Jeff asked. "Seeing him act so childish and say he's me?"

"I can only imagine."

"I'm not sure you can," Jeff said. "It's not just because it makes me wonder how my brother's seen me all these years. It's knowing that somehow, he's broken and being unsure if I can fix him, or if I'm even strong enough to try. It's knowing that if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't think twice about it; he'd do what he had to do to make me better. I don't know if I can do that, Miz. He thought he was living in my shadow? I've been in his shadow my entire life."

Miz looked to the road. "Look, I'm not going to lie to you. This is hard. Those guys in there all have something wrong with them. Me too. And on top of that, we're dealing with this whole WWE and robot thing. But listen, Jeff. I need your help. No matter what you decide about traveling with us, I need you not to mention the robot thing to anyone. I said something to HHH when I found out, and that's what landed me in the hospital. If you say something to Dixie or anyone else in TNA… I don't know how safe any of us will be."

Jeff pursed his lips. "You're right," he said. "I may as well stay with you guys because if word gets out about this, Vince isn't going to leave me alone just because I work for TNA."

Miz nodded. "Exactly. We could all end up with cement shoes at the bottom of the lake if we're not careful about this. JJ knows someone who can help us, which is why we're going to Smackdown. If we can get the word out the right way, Vince wouldn't dare touch us."

"I don't know," Jeff said. "A billion dollars goes a long way in burying people and making it look like an accident, Miz. There are people out there, willing to take the dive just so their families would be supported forever."

"I have to have faith in the system," Miz said. "It's all I've got right now." He paused. "Well, that and those guys in there. I'm going to go eat. Are you coming?"

"In a minute," Jeff said. "But don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

"Good," Miz said. "See you in a bit."

"Oh, you're back," Punk said, when Miz sat down at the table. "Your food was getting cold, so Mark ate it."

Miz said, "Oh. Well, I'll order some more, I guess."

"I'm kidding," Punk said. "I had the waitress put it in the oven so it would stay warm and so Mark wouldn't eat it. But he's so busy being a baked Mr. Potatohead that he doesn't want anything. In fact, when Orton started to eat his mashed potatoes, Mark started crying and wailing about his poor babies." He smirked. "Took us five minutes to calm him down, and we had to tell him that his fries were snake babies and he was getting Orton back by eating them."

Miz paused and leaned over so that Mark wouldn't overhear them. "So you told a guy who thinks he's a potato that his French fries were snake babies and had him eat them?" Punk shrugged. "What are you going to do if he figures out they're really made of potatoes?"

"I'm not too worried about it. Matt stole most of the fries and ate them when Mark wasn't looking."

The waitress returned then. "Oh, your friend is back, I see," she said to Punk. "Would you like your plate now?"

"Thanks," Miz said.

"And I think I'm ready to order as well," Jeff said, pulling his chair out and sitting down at the table.

Miz smiled at Jeff. Punk said, "What did you say to him out there, anyway?"

"Not much. He made the decision to come back on his own."

Punk nodded. "Well, I'm glad he's back."

"Are you?" Miz asked, surprised.

"Of course!" Punk said. "The next time we're in a store, he's going to hold Matt's hand. I'm finally free!"

Miz chuckled. "I'm not sure how Matt's going to feel about that."

"He'll get over it. Hey, who's going to ride with Jeff this time?"

"Maybe you, me and Matt ought to," Miz said.

"Then who's going to drive the SUV?"

"JJ?" Miz said with a shrug. "We'll have to talk about it after dinner."

"Tomorrow, we'll be in Florida," Punk said. "Are you ready for that?"

"No really, no. But I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be," Miz sighed.


	53. Miz Arranges A Pit Stop

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Sorry about the delay, guys. I had a lot of papers to write the last two weeks. But now I get a little break, so yay! More Mizard chapters!

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 53: Miz Arranges A Pit Stop

Miz turned the keys to the SUV over to JJ, then he, Jeff, Punk and Matt got into Jeff's car. Matt was more anxious than usual, so Miz sat in the backseat with him and Betsy while Punk took the passenger seat. The silence in the car was uncomfortable. "Nobody in here's going to bite me, right?" Jeff asked, glancing in the rearview mirror at Miz.

"Not unless Godzilla shows up," Miz said, "and since no one here's going to say the name, that's unlikely."

"Unless you try to kill Betsy again," Matt said, glaring at the back of his brother's head. "Then I might bite you."

"For the last time, I wasn't trying to kill Betsy," Jeff said. "I just wanted a drink of water. You're the one that handed me the fish."

Punk stretched out in his seat. "So Jeff…"

"What?" Matt asked.

Punk rolled his eyes. "I meant mean Jeff."

"I wish you guys would stop calling me that," Jeff muttered.

"Do you have a better solution?" Punk asked.

"Nero," Jeff said, after a moment's pause.

"Oh, goody," said Punk. "You share a name with a despot. It fits."

Matt crinkled his brow. "Am I named after a teapot, too?"

"Despot," said Miz absently.

"Is that like a teapot?" Matt asked.

"Kind of," Miz said. "Only not."

Matt nodded and held up Betsy. "Hey, Betsy, guess what! I'm a little teapot!"

"I'm not named after a despot," Jeff muttered.

"Nero persecuted my people," Punk said, "and he fiddled while Rome burned. If that isn't a despot, then I don't know what is."

"Can we just agree to disagree?" Jeff said.

Punk shrugged. "Sure. Sounds like everything else we've ever talked about." He paused. "Okay, fine. So Nero…"

"What?" Jeff asked, glancing toward Punk.

"What are you going to tell Dixie?"

"I don't know," Jeff admitted. "That Matt's sick and he needs my help, I guess."

"Maybe you should just go to work and let us handle things with the WWE," Punk suggested.

"No," Jeff said, his fingers tightening on the wheel. "You guys need my help."

"How much help can a drug addict be?" Punk asked.

"I don't know," Jeff said. "You tell me, Punk."

Punk sighed. "A hospital mixes up your results one time and suddenly, you're a criminal. Fine. But don't expect me to trust you _or_ like you."

Matt tugged on Miz's sleeve. "Hey, Miz?"

"Yeah, Jeff?" Miz said, his eyes on the tense confrontation up front.

"Betsy says he has to go to the bathroom."

Miz said, "Betsy's a fish, Jeff. He can just go in his water."

Matt made a face. "That's gross. He doesn't want to go in his water. He wants to go in a toilet."

Miz turned to Matt. "No. You might drop him, and then he'd die. Tell him to go in his water."

Matt bit his lip. "I have to go, too."

Miz sighed. "Okay. Hey, Nero? Maybe you should pull over. Jeff has to go to the bathroom."

"What?" Jeff said. "Why didn't he go at the restaurant?"

"He did," Miz said. Matt pulled on his sleeve again. "What, Jeff?"

"I don't have to go anymore."

Miz said, "Uh…"

"Don't tell me he peed back there!" Jeff said.

"I won't," Miz said.

"Did he pee back there?" Jeff demanded.

"You told me not to tell you," Miz said.

Jeff pulled the car off the road. "Listen, if he's peed in the backseat…"

"I didn't!" Matt said, crossing his arms and pouting. "And you don't have to be mean to me!"

"Maybe you should take him out to pee?" Punk suggested.

"Why do I have to do it?" Miz asked. "He's Nero's brother."

"But he's mean!" Matt said, still pouting. "I don't want to go with him!"

The SUV pulled up beside them. Christian rolled down the passenger side window. "What's going on?"

"Jeff has to pee," Jeff said.

"Talking in the third person is creepy," Christian said.

"Not me," said Jeff, irritated. "Matt."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

Jeff turned back to the SUV. "Would one of you take him? He won't go with me."

"I will," Randy said, poking his head between the seats.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Miz said.

"Better than letting him pee in my car," Jeff said. "Come on, Jeff, Randy says he'll take you."

"Yay! Randy is my bestest friend besides Betsy!" Matt handed Miz Betsy, then got out of the car. He grabbed Randy's hand, and the Viper shot Miz a smirk before he led Matt toward the bushes on the side of the road.

"Uh," Miz said. "That may have been a mistake…"

"He wouldn't let me take him, and it's not like you wanted to go," Jeff said. "What choice did we have? If you let him go alone, he'd probably wander into traffic."

"Yeah, but…" Miz winced as his objection was interrupted by a roar.

"What the hell was that?" Jeff asked.

Punk was the one who answered. "Sounded like Godzilla to me."

"Godzilla?" Jeff said. "You weren't kidding about that?"

"Unfortunately not," Miz said.

"Hey, but look on the bright side!" said Punk. "At least Godzilla doesn't hate you! And he's still less likely to bite than Orton."

"And he could calm down into Matt or Matthew, either of which are quieter and less annoying than Jeff," Miz added.

"I hope he at least went pee before he became Godzilla," Jeff muttered, "because I do not need an incontinent dinosaur in my car."`


	54. Miz Deals With Godzilla

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 54: Miz Deals With Godzilla

Matt and Randy were escorted back to the car by an irritated JJ. "Beth said the name," he told them.

"We figured," Miz said.

"Rawr?" Matt asked, tilting his head at Jeff.

Randy smirked. "Drew," he said.

"Roar!" Matt said, lunging at Randy.

JJ was squished between them for a moment before he managed to yell, "Can someone help me?"

"Sorry," Miz said, opening his door and getting out of the car. He grabbed onto Matt and shoved him into the car.

"Hey, did he happen to go to the bathroom?" Jeff asked.

"I don't know, Spongebob," said JJ. "I wasn't watching. I only got out when Beth said the name and I heard the roaring."

Jeff turned to Randy. "So did he go?"

Randy smirked. "I'm not telling."

"We don't have time for this," Punk said. "We have to assume he's gone. Unless you'd like to try and get him to go again?"

Jeff grumbled. "Fine. Get in, Miz."

Miz slid into the car and shut the door. "Let's go. Hopefully we won't have to stop again until it's time to switch drivers."

"Mew?" Matt said.

Miz stared at him. "…mew? I thought he was Godzilla."

Matt frowned. "Rrror?"

"That's better," Miz said.

"This is so weird," Jeff said. He waved to JJ and Randy, then pulled back onto the road. It wasn't too long before the SUV followed. "Can you make him be someone else?"

"Who would you like me to make him be?" Miz asked. "Wait. It doesn't matter, because the answer's no."

"I can," Punk said.

"You can?" Jeff asked.

"Yep. But I won't."

"Why not?" Miz asked.

"Free will," Punk replied.

"How is making him act like himself against free will?" Jeff asked.

"He obviously doesn't want to be himself," Punk said. "You escape through drugs, and your brother becomes Godzilla. Who am I to change that?"

"Yet you seem fine with judging me," Jeff said.

"That doesn't violate free will. Plus, it amuses me."

"You're evil," Jeff said.

"Of course I'm not," said Punk. "I'm Jesus, the epitome of good. How could I possibly be evil?"

"It does seem un-Jesus-like," Miz said.

"I don't see how," Punk told him.

"You're judging me," Jeff said.

"Something only dad and myself can do!" Punk said. "See? So it's more that I'm doing my job than anything else."

"You just keep telling yourself that, Punk," Miz said.

"Rrowr?" Matt said, tilting his head. "Rrr."

Jeff said, "Great, now my brother's a wookie."

"Nope, he's still Godzilla," Miz said. "Just a much happier Godzilla than we usually see."

"Hey, you know what's funny?" Punk said. "Watch this." He dug a box of cookies out of the snack bag up front. "Hey, Godzilla, want a cookie?"

Matt perked up. "Rrrooooor!"

Punk held up a cookie. "Here." He waved the cookie at Matt.

"Rawr!" Matt said, snatching the cookie from Punk's hand and munching on it happily.

"Wow," Punk said, "that kind of hurt." He rubbed his hand. "Someone should trim Godzilla's nails."

"That doesn't sound like a fun project," Miz said.

"Still, it's probably necessary," Punk said. "Especially if he's going to wrestle. No one wants to get clawed to death by Godzilla in the ring."

"Do you really think he's okay to wrestle?" said Jeff doubtfully.

"He'll be fine," said Punk, "so long as no one says the name to him, I'm sure he's fine."

"You guys keep talking about the name," Jeff said. "What is that all about?"

"Oh, you know," Punk said, "JJ scrambles names, and the name he's got for your brother happens to trigger his changes into Matthew or Godzilla."

"What name is it?" Jeff asked.

Punk sighed. "I'll spell it out for you."

"Is that safe?" Miz asked.

"Sure. Godzilla can't spell. It's D-R-E-W. "

"Drew?" Jeff said, puzzled.

"RAR!" Matt screamed, cookie crumbs showering Miz as he lunged toward Jeff.

"What the…?" Jeff said, swerving and nearly sending the car off the road.

"Godzilla! NO!" Miz shouted, shoving Matt back into the corner of the seat. "No! Bad Godzilla! No more cookies for you!"

Matt blinked, then tears formed in his eyes. "Rar?" he said softly.

"No more cookies," Miz repeated firmly, and Matt sniffled.

"I've never seen Godzilla cry before," Punk said thoughtfully. "Are you sure he can't have just one cookie, Miz?"

Matt looked hopeful. "He almost sent us off the road!" Miz said. "Why would I reward that kind of behavior?"

"Oh. Look, he's sorry now, aren't you, Godzilla?"

"Rrr," Matt said, nodding sadly.

Miz sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Okay. One cookie. But I swear, if he attacks anyone else, Godzilla is off sugar for good. Okay?"

"Yes," said Punk, and Matt nodded again. "Here, Godzilla. Be a good lizard." He held up a cookie. "And don't hurt my hand this time. Your claws are sharp."

Matt carefully took the cookie. "Rawr." He nibbled on it, his eyes on Miz.

"And don't stare at me like that," Miz said. "It's creepy."

"I can't believe he's Godzilla," Jeff said. "I mean, why Godzilla, of all things?"

"Maybe it makes him feel strong?" Punk said with a shrug. "Who knows why you Hardys do anything? I can't make sense of either one of you." Matt made a noise almost like a purr and leaned forward. Punk patted his head. "He's kind of cute when he's not trying to destroy the world, though."

Miz stared at Punk. "Dude, really?"

"What?" Punk asked.

"You think Matt's cute?"

"Not like that!" Punk said. "Geez, do you have to take everything so literally, Miz?"

"It was a weird thing to say," Jeff said.

"Shut up," Punk said, blushing. "I meant as imaginary dinosaurs go, all right?"

"Sure you did," Miz said, smirking at Punk.

"Oh, whatever," Punk said. He handed Matt the box of cookies.

"Hey, don't do that!" Miz said. "He's going to go back to being Jeff on us!"

"Serves you right," Punk said, stretching out in his seat and closing his eyes. "I can sleep through Jeff's insanity. Can you?"

"That's so not cool," Miz said.

"Maybe not," Punk said, "but it's funny. And Jeff, if you show up, Miz has gum."

"Gum?" Matt said, turning to look at Miz.

"Ah, crap," Miz said.


	55. Miz Loses One

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 55: Miz Loses One

Miz had to admit, he was glad to see the Impact Zone. Jeff directed Punk into a parking space, then turned to the others. "I'm going inside. You guys wait here." He got out and waved to Orton, who had been driving the SUV.

"Now what?" Punk asked, as they watched Jeff walk into the building.

"I want a cookie!" Matt said.

"It's ten o clock in the morning," Miz told him. "No cookie."

"You're mean!" Matt said. "Punk, I want a cookie!"

"Maybe we should give him a cookie," Punk said.

Miz glared at Punk. "After that stunt you pulled? I was picking gum off the roof for an hour back here. No."

"I want a cookie!" Matt shrieked.

"It would keep him quiet," said Punk, wincing.

"For maybe five seconds," Miz said.

"Better than what we've got now."

"I want a cookie!"

Punk wordlessly dug out a cookie and handed it to Matt. Miz said, "Sometimes, I really hate you, Punk."

"Whatever," the straightedge superstar said. "At least he's quiet."

"I want some milk," Matt said around the cookie.

"That was a great idea. Where are we supposed to get milk?" Miz asked Punk.

"I want milk!" Matt said, spraying cookie crumbs all over Miz.

"Well, we don't have any, and you're lucky you've got a cookie!" Miz said.

"I want milk!"

"Better find him some milk," Punk said.

"And where am I going to do that?" Miz asked.

"I want…"

"I know!" Miz yelled.

Matt pouted. "You don't have to yell at me."

Miz sighed. Punk said, "Maybe there's some in the building somewhere? Muscle milk or something, at least."

Matt perked up. "Milk?"

Miz glared at Punk. "If I have to go in there looking for milk, then you're coming with me."

"Who's going to watch Jeff?"

"We could take him with us," Miz said.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Okay. Our other choice is to leave him with Orton and JJ."

Punk sighed. "Come on, Jeff. Let's go find you some milk."

"Yay! Milk!" Matt said, bouncing in the seat.

Miz rolled his eyes and opened his door. "You tell the others where we're going," he said to Punk. "We'll wait for you."

"Fine," Punk said, "but this time, you're holding Jeff's hand. I've had enough rumors started about me to last a lifetime."

Miz let Matt out, then grabbed his hand. "We have to wait for Punk, and then we'll go get your milk, Jeff."

"Yay! And then I can have more cookies?"

"We'll see," Miz said.

"We'll see means yes."

"It means maybe," Miz said.

Matt said, "Maybe means yes."

"No, it means maybe."

"It's not no, and if it's not no, then it's yes," Matt said with a nod. "Betsy told me that's how it works." He frowned. "Is Betsy coming with us to find milk?"

"No, I think Betsy wants to rest," Miz said, eyeing the fish in the blue water.

"Okay, Betsy," Matt said to the fish. "I'll be back later, when I have some milk. Do you want anything from the store?"

"We're not going to the store," Miz said.

"But the store is where you get milk," Matt said.

"We're getting it from somewhere else today."

"Are we stealing it?" Matt asked, his eyes huge.

"No," Miz said. "That's against Punk's religion."

"It's true," Punk said, coming up to the pair of them. He turned to Miz. "We should hurry this up before the others get restless. They were talking about going in there with us."

"That sounds like a disaster to me," Miz agreed.

"Why is it against your religion?" Matt asked Punk.

"Because stealing is wrong, Jeff." He ruffled Matt's hair. "Come on, let's go find you some milk."

"Yay! Milk!" Matt said. "Punk, will you hold my hand? Miz is mean to me."

"Miz is going to be nice to you," Punk said. "He promises."

Matt looked at Miz. "You promise?"

"Sure," Miz said. "Why not?" Punk started walking toward the door. "Do you know where you're going?"

"No, but how hard can it be?" Punk asked. "I'm sure you've seen an episode of TNA, right?"

"Not really," Miz said.

Punk turned to stare at Miz. "Why not?"

"Uh," Miz said, shrugging. "I don't know?"

"I've been here before!" Matt said, bouncing excitedly.

"Great," Punk said. "Do you know where catering is?"

"Caterpillars?" Matt asked, scrunching his brow.

"No, Jeff," Punk said. "Catering. You know, the cafeteria? Where everyone goes to eat?"

"Oh! The food part!" Matt grinned. "Yep! I know where that is!"

"Okay, then. Let's go there and see if they have any milk for your cookies, okay?"

"Yay!" Matt dragged Miz toward the door. "I know right where I'm going. I ate here once."

Miz shot Punk a look. "I hope you know what you're doing."

"He's been here before," Punk reasoned. "So he's got to be a better choice to find catering than we are, right?"

"Sure, we'll go with that," Miz muttered. "Even if it's misguided and wrong."

Punk smirked. "I don't see you coming up with any better ideas."

"My idea was to not give him the cookie in the first place," Miz said.

"Too late for that now," Punk pointed out. "The cookie has been given, and now it's up to us to find some milk to go with it."

Matt led them through the door into a bustling hive of activity. "Which way, Jeff?" Miz asked.

Matt frowned, then pointed. "That way!" He pulled his hand from Miz's grasp and took off running in the direction he'd pointed.

Miz groaned. "Jeff!" Punk yelled. He turned to Miz. "You shouldn't have let go!"

Miz glared at Punk. "Dude, he outweighs me. It's like Red Rover. He pulled, and I wasn't ready so he got loose. I didn't do it on purpose!"

Punk sighed. "This is a nightmare."

"You're telling me," Miz said. "But at least no one saw us holding hands."


	56. Miz And Punk In The Impact Zone, Part 1

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 56: Miz And Punk In The Impact Zone, Part One

"Jeff!" Punk yelled. "Jeff!"

"You can't just walk through here yelling Jeff," Miz said.

"Why not?" Punk asked, turning to Miz.

"Because it's a pretty common name," Miz said, "and you're going to draw attention to us."

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Maybe we ought to find the real Jeff and ask him to help us?"

"What, and tell him we lost his brother somewhere in the Impact Zone?" Punk said. "Sure, Miz, sounds great. Maybe we should tell him we burned down his house and got him fired while we're at it."

"I didn't do either of those things," Miz said, eyeing Punk. "Though you were instrumental in getting him fired…"

"That was a storyline, and it wasn't me," Punk said. "Now are you going to help me find Matt or not?"

Miz shrugged. "I suppose. Hey, what do you mean, it wasn't you?"

Punk looked distracted. "I mean it wasn't me. I was already in the hospital by then."

"Oh."

"Jeff!" Punk yelled. "I think I saw him," he told Miz before he ran down the hall.

Miz followed more slowly. "It would be nice if he didn't draw attention to us," he said.

"He's not very helpful, is he?" Mizbert asked from Miz's pocket.

Miz shushed the Mizmallow. "I don't want anyone to know you're here," he said. "They might think there's something wrong with me."

"Damn. Wasn't him," Punk said, jogging back. "Um, Miz? Why are you talking to your pocket?"

"Never you mind," Miz said to Punk. "Let's just find Jeff and get out of here before someone spots us."

"Hey! Look, mom! It's CM Punk and the Miz!" a kid yelled.

Punk raised his brows at Miz. "You were saying?"

"You guys are coming to TNA?" the kid asked, pulling his mom over to them. "Cool! Can I have an autograph?"

"We're just visiting," Punk muttered. "Come on, Miz, we'd better find…"

They heard a crash from down the hall. Punk winced. "I think we know where to look," Miz said, as they heard a roar from the direction of the crash.

"Oh, dad," Punk said, rolling his eyes heavenward. "Please tell me he didn't go Godzilla on us."

"Sounds like he might have," Miz said. "We'd better get down there."

"Wait! What about my autograph?" the kid asked.

Punk paused. "We're heels. We don't do autographs, kid." He grabbed Miz's arm and started to pull him toward the noise.

"What the hell?" Jeff asked, coming from one of the rooms off the hall. "What are you guys doing in here? Where's Matt?"

"I don't think you want to know," Miz said.

"He wanted milk for his cookies," Punk said. "And he kind of got away from us…"

"My brother is loose in the Impact Zone?" Jeff asked.

"Maybe you should lie," Mizbert said helpfully.

"No!" Miz said.

"He's not?" Jeff asked, confused.

"I wasn't talking to you," Miz told Jeff. "I was talking to Mizbert."

"Who the hell is Mizbert?" Jeff asked.

"I want an autograph!" the kid yelled suddenly.

Miz gave Jeff a pained look. "This probably isn't the best time to tell you about Mizbert."

"It's his talking piece of candy," Punk said. Crash! Roaring and screaming followed the noise. "We'd better get down there. It sounds like it's getting worse. There are very few things that will set Matt off like that."

"Terrific," Jeff said. "I have to work here, you know."

"Not if we don't corral your brother, you don't," Punk said. "He's going to get you fired."

"He wouldn't be the first person to do that," Jeff said.

Punk turned to Jeff. "First of all," he said, "it was a storyline. Get over it. And secondly, it wasn't even me. It was…" he paused, staring at the kid who was watching the three of them with interest, "an evil alien monster from Mars. Now can we please go and find your brother?"

"Matt Hardy is here, too?" the kid asked.

"Maybe you should quit talking, Punk," Miz advised.

"Mom, Matt Hardy is here!" the kid said.

"Yeah," Punk muttered. "Good thinking, Miz."

"What the hell is wrong with you, dude? You're acting like a freak!" The voice came from an opening door down the hallway. A moment later, a man poked his head out. "Hardy? Has anyone seen Jeff?"

Jeff sighed. "I'm right here!"

"Thank God! Can you come get your brother? I think he's on something."

"See, mom? Matt is here!" the kid squealed.

Jeff turned to Punk and Miz. "So help me," he said, "if the dirt sheets start talking about this…" He shook his head and started down the hall with the other two following him. "Where is he, Ken?"

Ken Anderson frowned at Jeff. "In there. What's he on, Jeff?"

"It would take too long to explain," Jeff said.

"Roar!"

Punk nodded to Ken, then pushed past him. "Godzilla! Knock that off!"

"Rar?"

Ken eyed Punk, then Miz before turning to Jeff. "Is there some kind of major labor dispute going on at the 'E?"

"Something like that," Miz said. "Hey, you're friends with Cena, right?"

"Not exactly," Ken said.

"Oh," Miz said. "Huh."

"It's a sore subject," Jeff said.

"Yeah. Uh, so why is CM Punk calling Matt Godzilla?" Ken asked. "And why are Punk and the Miz here, anyway?"

"Long story," Miz said.

"Ow! Don't bite me, Godzilla, or I will smite you!" Punk yelled.

"Rawr!" Matt shrieked.

"Grab him! He's bolting!" Punk said.

"Wha…" Ken got out before Matt ran headlong through the three men standing by the door.

"Damn it, Miz!" Punk said. "You let him get away again!"

"You are not blaming me for this!" Miz said. "You're the one who gave him the damned cookie. If it weren't for that, we'd still be sitting in Jeff's car…"

"Listening to him whine about wanting a cookie!" Punk shot back. "That was an intolerable situation, and you know it!"

"Yeah," Miz said, rolling his eyes, "because this is so much better."


	57. Miz And Punk In The Impact Zone, Part 2

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 57: Miz And Punk In The Impact Zone, Part Two

"So what do we do now?" Jeff asked, watching as his brother retreated into the crowd.

"We follow him, duh!" Punk said.

Ken stared at Punk. "You're not very pleasant, are you?"

"I don't have to be pleasant," Punk snapped. "I'm the son of God, and dying on a cross freaking hurts. Are you going to help us find Matt or not?"

"What on earth?" Someone down the hall shouted. "Mr. Hardy, you stop that!"

"Rawr!" Matt yelled.

"Oh, God," Jeff said, burying his face in his hands. "This is not happening. This is _not_ happening!"

"What?" Miz said.

"Arrk!"

"Dixie," Ken said, nodding to Dixie Carter as she led Matt back down the hall by his ear.

"Did you lose something?" she asked Jeff, her eyebrows rising.

Jeff looked up from his hands. "Uh, yes. Thanks…"

"Godzilla!" Punk said, seizing Matt's collar. "You have been a very bad dinosaur."

"Maybe you should take this outside?" Dixie suggested. "Before the crowd figures out this isn't some kind of pre-show stunt?"

"Right," Jeff said. "Good idea. Thanks." Dixie nodded and walked away. "Guys? Maybe we ought to get the hell out of here."

"Wait," Ken said. "We've got a tag team match tonight."

"Sorry, man," Jeff said, shaking his head. "I have to go. I'll catch you next week, okay?"

"Sure," Ken muttered.

Punk led a whining Matt out of the room, followed by Miz. "I wish he'd change back already," Miz said.

"Maybe you should offer him some gum?" Punk suggested.

"Gum?" Matt asked, looking at Miz hopefully.

Miz sighed and said, "Great, except I don't have any more."

"I want gum!" Matt wailed.

Miz glared at Punk. "Thanks again."

"You wanted him back," said Punk with a shrug. "Hey, Nero. You want to come take care of this?"

Jeff sighed. "What now?"

"Got any gum?" Miz asked.

"Gum?" Matt repeated.

"Oh dear God, not gum again," Jeff said. "The last time was awful."

"No gum unless you behave," Miz said.

Matt sniffled. "No gum?"

"Don't make him cry," Jeff said. "I can't take that again."

"Hey, Jeff," Miz said. "I'll give you gum if you come out to the car with me, okay? We'll get Betsy and you and he can ride in the big SUV again."

"With Randy?" Matt asked.

"Yep.

"Yay Gum and Betsy and Randy!" Matt paused. "And Sea World?"

"I thought you said he'd forget?" Miz said to Punk.

Punk shrugged. "What do I know? I'm only Jesus."

"Sea World?" Jeff said.

"Betsy's cousin works there," Matt said with a smile. "In the Shamu show. Betsy told me!"

Jeff looked at Miz. "Uh…"

"Don't ask," Miz advised. "We have no idea, either."

Jeff shrugged. "Okay then. Do we have time to detour to Sea World?"

"Maybe," Punk said.

"That's not very positive, is it?" Jeff asked.

"Whatever," Punk said.

"Imma go to Seeaa Wooorld!" Matt sang, laughing. "Seeeeaaa Woooorld, yay!"

"Your brother," Miz said, turning to Jeff, "is a terrible singer."

Jeff grimaced. "I know, I know."

"Seeeaaa Woooorld!" Matt sang loudly, causing the others to wince.

"We should definitely take this outside," Jeff said, watching the crowd as they turned toward the four of them. "We need to get out of here now."

"Way ahead of you," Punk said, smirking. "Come on, Jeff, let's go to the SUV."

"Yay!" Matt said, dancing. "I like the SUV!"

"Don't we all," Miz muttered. "It's going to be crowded, though."

"We'll manage," Punk said. He put an arm around Matt's shoulders and led the elder Hardy outside.

"The rumors are going to be insane," Jeff said to Miz. "You know that, right?"

Miz shrugged. "I can't worry about that right now."

Punk led Matt to the SUV and Miz and Jeff stopped at Jeff's car. "Here," Jeff said, grabbing the cup the fish was in and passing it to Miz. "Make sure Matt gets his fish."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt called from the SUV.

Jeff sighed. "That is getting so old," he muttered.

"I'm a catfish!" Mark yelled.

"So is that," Miz said. He took the fish to the SUV and passed it to Matt. "There you go, kid."

"Did you miss me, Betsy?" Matt cooed to the fish. "Did you? Aw, that's sweet. Betsy said that he missed me lots, and that he was going to bake me cookies, but he couldn't figure out how to turn the stove on."

"Weird," Punk muttered to Miz, who shrugged. "Are you guys ready to get back on the road? I feel like we've been here forever."

"Definitely ready," Jeff said. He slid into the back of the SUV, next to his brother and Mark. Christian, JJ and Randy were squeezed uncomfortably into the back seat.

"Who's idea was this, anyway?" Randy growled. "I can barely breathe back here!"

"Maybe we should rent something bigger?" Jeff suggested.

"If we do that, it's going on your card," Punk said.

"Fine," Jeff sighed. "Take me to the car rental place and I'll rent us something bigger."

"Or we could keep on using your car," Miz said.

Jeff shook his head. "I'd rather rent something huge, thanks. I've already had my car coated in gum and drinks. I don't want to see what else you guys can dish out."

"Fine," Punk said. He turned to Jeff. "Any idea where the nearest rental car place is? I'd put it into the GPS, but it met with an accident."

"Left," Randy muttered. "Left sucks."

Jeff frowned. "Yeah, I can get you to one. Should we rent another GPS?"

"Not if we have to go left," Randy said.

"Right, uh," Jeff said. "No GPS. You guys know where we're going anyway, right? The venue?"

"We can find it," Punk said.

"Sea World!" Matt said.

"And we can find that, too," Miz said.

"Gum!" Matt demanded.

Randy smirked at Jeff and handed over a whole pack of gum to Matt. "Oh God," Jeff muttered. "It's going to be a very long trip."

###

A/N: Apologies for how long this chapter took me. I lost my best friend in the middle of writing this chapter and was unable to find a way to continue it as a result. After much struggle and several nights of staring at the words, the block finally broke this morning. I'm hoping this means that I'll be able to finish this story up this month, but who knows? Anyway, thanks for your patience.


	58. Miz Faces Repercussions

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 58: Miz Faces Repercussions

Jeff found them a car rental place pretty quickly. They had one car bigger than the SUV, a hulking monster of an SUV that Matt immediately dubbed "Carol." It was bright yellow, but at least it fit all eight of them, plus the fish and the cat. "There's a cat in here?" Jeff asked, looking to Punk for confirmation.

"Yes, and she thinks you should bow down and worship me," Punk said.

"Um, maybe Miz and I should be the drivers listed for the car."

"I don't have a license on me, and Punk does," Miz said. "Be sure and get the insurance, Jeff. The good kind, not the cheap stuff."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

"Oh, Drew," said JJ with a sigh.

"Oh, God help us all," Christian said.

"Even God can't help you now," said Matthew, smirking evilly at JJ and Christian.

"You'd better be nice," Miz said, "or Randy might bite you."

Randy stared thoughtfully at Matthew, then said, "But I like Matthew. Why would I bite him?"

"I'm a box of JuJuBes!" Mark said, smiling.

"I hate JuJuBes," Matthew muttered. "They stick to your teeth."

Randy frowned. "I'm not going to bite any JuJuBes. I'm running out of people I can bite. Miz…?"

"No," Miz said firmly, "you can't bite me."

Randy pouted. "You're no fun. I never get to bite you."

"Maybe you should let him bite you," Punk said.

"Whose side are you on?" Miz asked Punk.

Punk shrugged. "Mine, of course."

"Are you coming with me to rent the car or not, Punk?" Jeff asked.

"I'm coming," Punk grumbled, following Jeff into the rental place.

"Why won't you let me bite you?" Randy whined.

"Because it hurts, Orton!" Miz said. "Geez."

"Well, I hate your shoes," Randy muttered.

"What?" Miz said. "What was that? You hate my shoes? What the hell kind of comment is that?"

Randy shrugged and looked at Matthew. "Do you like his shoes?"

Matthew smirked. "They're ugly."

"Well geez, forget Sea World," Miz said. "We're going straight to the venue now."

There was a long pause, then Matt said, "Sea World?"

"Nope," Miz said. "Not for you."

"B…but…" Matt sniffled. "But Betsy's cousin works there! We have to go!" Tears streamed down his face.

"Sorry, not going," Miz said.

"I hate you!" Matt screamed at Miz before throwing his arms around Randy and burying his head in the other man's shoulder.

"I'm not so fond of you right now, either," Randy said, glaring at Miz.

Jeff walked out at that moment, with Punk following. "Well, we got the car…" He paused, staring at the sobbing Matt and Randy before turning his gaze on Miz. "What happened now?"

"Orton said he didn't like my shoes," Miz said with a shrug.

"So Matt's crying?"

"I'm Jeff!" came the reply, muffled by Randy's shoulder.

"Miz started it," Randy said. "He told Jeff he couldn't go to Sea World." Matt started to cry louder.

"Hey, Jeff," Punk said, while Jeff glared at Miz, "Miz was just kidding. We're going to Sea World."

"We are?" Matt asked, peeking at Punk. He sniffled.

"Sure we are," Punk said.

"Miz is mean and I hate him!" Matt said. He glared at Miz, along with Jeff and Randy.

"Oh come on!" Miz said. "I didn't do anything to him. I was trying to get them to leave my shoes alone!"

"You're a menace," Randy told him.

"I'm a menace!" Mark chirped.

"No," Randy said. "You're okay. Miz is the only menace. We should leave him here and let him think about his actions."

"That seems a bit harsh," Miz said.

"Well, you did make Jeff cry," Jeff pointed out. "Wow," he muttered, "that sounded even weirder out loud than it did in my head."

"Okay, that's true," Miz said, "but I'm the reason everyone's on this road trip in the first place. So leaving me behind is really… not nice."

"I'm not sure I'd bring that up," Christian said, staring at Jeff. "After all, I'm still kind of mad at you for dragging JJ and I along."

"Me?" Jeff asked, puzzled. "I didn't drag anyone anywhere."

"He means Undertaker, Spongebob," JJ said. "Undertaker's this way, Rey." He nudged Christian's shoulder so that he was facing Miz. "There you go. Now yell."

"You dragged us along!" Christian said loudly.

"Why am I Spongebob?" Jeff muttered. "I can't even be Jeff, but Spongebob?"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said, his voice still muffled by Randy's shoulder.

"I give up," Jeff said. "Maybe you should leave me here. This is getting too complicated."

"No, we need you," Punk said. "As much as it pains me to say so. Jeff needs you to stay."

"I don't like Nero!" Matt said. "He's mean to me."

"I'll buy you some gum?" Jeff said.

"Yay! I love you, Nero!" Matt released his hold on Randy and hugged Jeff.

"Ugh," Randy said, staring down at his shirt. "I'm covered in Jeff snot again." He pulled the gross shirt off, tossing it on the ground while he dug through his bag. "I'm running out of stuff that isn't covered in yuck."

"I'm a platypus!" Mark said. "Whirrr!"

"Um, I don't think Playpi say 'whirr'," Miz said.

Mark stopped and turned to Miz. "Do you know any Platypi?"

"Er, no?"

"Then how do you know what they say?"

"They definitely say 'Whirr'," Punk said, nodding to Mark. "Carry on."

Randy pulled a new shirt out of his bag and put it on. He frowned. "When did I get a DX shirt?"

JJ whistled innocently while Christian snickered. Miz said, "At least it's clean, right?"

"And it's very soft," Matt said, touching the shirt and smiling at Randy. "I want a DX shirt, too!"

"We'll buy you one when we get to the venue," Miz promised.

"Yay!"

"Can we go now?" Miz asked, looking at Punk. "Or are you going to abandon me here?"

Punk said, "The thought never crossed my mind. Let's go."


	59. Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part One

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Sorry about the long delay. I wanted to say thanks for all the kind comments.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 59: Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part One

"Jeff!" Miz said to the man tugging at his hand and nearly pulling him over. "We have to wait for Nero to buy the tickets first!"

"But he's taking foreeeever!" Matt whined, straining against the hold Miz had on his hand. "And the gate's right there! Betsy wants to go in now!"

"Maybe you shouldn't say that so loudly," Miz muttered.

"I'm Betsy!" Mark said, twirling around. "See my pretty fin dress? Whee!"

Matt stopped tugging at Miz's hand to stare at Mark. "Betsy is a BOY. He doesn't have a fin dress!"

Mark stuck his tongue out at Matt. "I can be a girl if I want to."

"You're not Betsy," Matt said stubbornly.

"Yes huh I am," Mark said.

"Oh, for dad's sake," Punk muttered. "Can't you two behave for five minutes?"

Mark and Matt glared at each other. Miz sighed. "Where the hell is Jeff?"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said, pouting.

"I know," Miz said. "I meant Nero. Where is he?"

Just then, Jeff walked up. "I got the tickets."

"Finally!" Matt said. "It took a long long time!"

"And I'm Betsy and I can't wait to go in to Seaworld!" Mark said.

"You are not Betsy!" Matt said again.

"No, of course not," Christian said. "I've got Betsy right here." He held up a can.

"Uh, Rey?" JJ said. "That's a can of Pepsi."

"What?" Christian said, squinting at the can. "Ew, gross!" He dropped the can, spilling the Pepsi.

"My holy Pepsi!" Punk shrieked. "How dare you waste it like that, you heathen!"

"I didn't spill it," Christian said. "I threw it."

"He baptized the ground," Randy said, staring at the spreading Pepsi puddle.

Punk frowned and stared down at the spot. "This is now a holy spot. Do you know what that means? We're going to have to make a religious pilgrimage here every year on this date. What day is it?"

"Tuesday?" Randy volunteered.

"No, it's not Tuesday," Miz said, "or we will have missed the show. It's definitely Friday."

"So now I will have to visit here on Fridays and I'll have to go to that one IHOP where I spilled my Pepsi every third Wednesday." Punk nodded. "This could work."

Miz rolled his eyes. "So who's got Betsy?"

"He's right here," Punk said, holding up the fish. "Are we going in or what?"

"Are you sure you don't want to stay out here and pray to the Pepsi puddle?" Christian asked.

"Don't be absurd," Punk said. "I don't pray to the Pepsi. I pray for the heathens to accept me as their savior and allow me to baptize them in the holy Pepsi."

"It burns my eyes," Christian muttered.

"Come on, Miz!" Matt whined, dragging Miz toward the gate. "I want to see Shamu! And Betsy wants to see his cousin!"

"I'm Betsy," Mark said.

"So you're a fish?" Randy said skeptically. "Then why aren't you drowning in the air?"

"Argh! Augh!" Mark screamed, causing the others to jump. "Ack! Noooo!" He paused. "Being Betsy is hard. I'm not Betsy anymore. Now I'm a cannonball. Whee!" He ran for the gate. "I'm going to kill you all! Whee!"

Miz looked at Punk. "Uh…"

Punk sighed. "Right. I'll get him." He chased after Mark, yelling, "Bad cannonball! What have I told you about killing people?"

"Yeah," Jeff said, watching the pair of them. "That's not going to get us kicked out. Aside from the fact that they didn't take their tickets, they're screaming things like that at a family park, and there's only so many times you can use the mentally unstable excuse before people start to wonder about you."

"We are mentally unstable," Christian muttered. "Some of us more than others. Right, JJ?" He nudged Matt.

"Uh, I'm over here, Rey."

"You are?" Christian asked, blinking. "Then who's this?"

"It's…" JJ said.

"Oh, please don't say it," Miz said. "Please, JJ, I am begging you."

JJ frowned. "Good point, Undertaker. It's Spongebob's brother."

"Oh. Sorry, Matt," Christian said, patting the elder Hardy.

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

Randy grinned. "Not for long… Drew."

Matt growled. "I will kill you all."

Jeff stared at his brother. "Why do people keep saying that today?"

"You just had to say it, didn't you?" Miz said to Randy.

"Yes," Randy said. "Can I hang out with Matthew in SeaWorld? I want to see the shark tank."

"Somehow, I think that would be a bad idea," Miz said.

"And why are you holding my hand?" Matt said, glaring at Miz.

"I like you?" Miz said, shrugging.

Matt pulled his hand away as if he'd been burned. "You stay away from me or I will kill you."

"Yeah, nothing new there," Miz said. He turned to see Punk dragging Mark back by the ear. "Oh, good. The rest of our party's here. Shall we go in now?"

"But why can't Matthew and I hang out at the shark tank?" Randy whined. "I want to watch them bite stuff. Maybe I can get a few pointers on how to really hurt someone."

"And that's why you're not hanging out at the shark tank," Miz said. "Do I have to hold your hand, too?"

"No," Randy said. "Only Jeff gets to hold my hand." Jeff blinked and eyed Randy. "Not you," Randy growled.

"Perverts," Matt said, stalking toward the gates of SeaWorld.

"Maybe someone should turn him back into Jeff?" Punk said.

"Please," Miz muttered. "Or he's going to be unbearable all day long. I'd rather have to hold his hand as Jeff than deal with Matthew in SeaWorld."

"But the sharks!" Randy said. "They totally want to see Matthew and me! They want us to learn from them!"

"I'm a shark!" Mark said happily.

"No you're not," Punk said. "And I'm Jesus, so I should know."

"No, I'm not," Mark said sadly. "But I'm a guppy, and someday, I'll grow up into a shark!"

Punk sighed. "That'll have to do, I guess," he said.


	60. Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Two

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun. More chapters will be coming in the next few days! :D

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 60: Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Two

Luckily for Miz and the others, Matt didn't have his ticket. He was arguing with the ticket taker at the gate when the others walked up. "So I will kill you," he said conversationally to the woman taking tickets.

"Ha, Matthew," said Miz nervously. "Always joking." He handed the ticket lady the tickets. "Please excuse him, he thinks he's funny, but he's not."

"I am not kidding," Matt growled.

"Gum?" Punk said, holding out a fresh packet of gum to Matt.

"Gum!" Matt shrieked happily, seizing the packet and stuffing the pieces in his mouth.

"You'll have to excuse him," Punk said, shoving Matt through the gate. "He's harmless, really."

"You'd better keep him under control," the ticket woman said. "Or I'll call security and have them escort you all out."

"These are not the droids you're looking for!" Mark chirped happily, waving at the woman.

"What?" said the perplexed employee.

"I'm a Jedi!" Mark said, beaming at her.

"Time to go," Miz muttered, pushing Mark after Punk into the park.

"Is this Seaworld?" Matt asked.

"Yes," Punk said.

"It really is?"

"Yes," Punk said again, annoyed.

"Really?"

Punk glared at Matt. "Yes!"

"It is?"

"Uh, hey Jeff," Miz said, seeing the murderous expression on Punk's face, "why don't we go get some ice cream, and then we'll find Betsy's cousin, okay?"

"Yay!" Matt yelled. "Ice cream and Shamu!"

"I'm going to have a headache before the day's over," Jeff said.

"I've got a headache now," Punk muttered. "Mark, what are you doing now?"

Mark was standing, transfixed, his arms half raised as though he were holding a sword. "Shh," he said without looking at Punk. "The empire is searching for us now. We have to lay low and when the time is right, we'll take them down with the force!"

"I wonder how long Jedi mode is going to last?" Punk mused. "Uh, hey JJ, where's Christian?"

"Rey and Beth went that way," JJ said.

"You let Orton take off with Christian?"

"Beth said he knew what he was doing."

"Miz," Punk yelled. "I think we may have a slight problem."

Miz finished buying Matt his ice cream and handed it to him before coming back to see Punk. "What's the problem?"

"Apparently, Orton and Christian took off together."

"What? Why didn't you stop them?"

"Because I was busy dealing with the Jedi knight," Punk said, indicating Mark, who seemed to be telling passing people that they killed his father while waving around an invisible light saber.

"I can see we're going to need a buddy system," Miz sighed. "Nero, you take Jeff. JJ's in charge of Christian, Punk's got Mark and I'll take Orton."

"If we can find him first," Jeff said.

"No need to find him. I know where he's headed. The shark tank."

"That doesn't sound good," JJ said.

"It isn't. JJ, come with me and we'll meet the others at the Shamu show in half an hour."

"Sounds good to me," Punk said. "Come on, Jedi Knight. Let's go look at the pretty fishies."

"Fishies?" Mark said, dropping his pretend light saber.

"Yes. Fishies," Punk said.

"Really?" Matt asked.

Punk glared at Matt, then turned to Jeff. "Hey, Nero, I've got something to do right now. Do you and Jeff mind going on and we'll meet you there?"

"Sure," Jeff said. "Come on, Jeff."

"Yay! Fishies!"

"But…" Mark said, his lower lip protruding in a pout, "I thought WE were gonna go see the fishies." A tear slid down his cheek.

"We are," Punk began, but his words were soon lost in Mark's screaming tantrum. "I'm a special fishy inspector and I wanna see the fishies! You take me or else!"

"I thought you were a Jedi?" Miz said. Mark screamed louder.

"Miz," Punk said, "don't help me. Just go and find the others and meet us at the Shamu tank as soon as possible."

"I want fishies and I want them NOW!" Mark shrieked.

"Mark Henry!" Punk snapped, grabbing the bigger man's arm and shaking it. "You stop that right now or I'll take you home!"

Mark snuffled. "Mama?"

Punk sighed. "That's right, I'm your mama, and you'd better listen to me. I didn't raise you to throw fits when I take you somewhere nice!"

"I'm sorry, mama," Mark said, still sniffling. "May we please go see the fishies?"

"I don't know if you deserve it. As Dad as my witness, you're acting like a spoiled brat today. Now do you want to hang out with your friend Jeff and see the fishies or not?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good. Let's get going."

Miz shook his head as Mark and Punk walked away. "Sometimes, you guys worry me," he admitted to JJ.

"You don't include yourself in that, Undertaker?"

Miz sighed. "Yeah, I do. I just don't like to admit it." He grinned wryly. "So which way to the shark tank?"

JJ help up a map he'd grabbed on the way in. "Let's find out." He opened it and pointed, "Looks like it's there."

"And we're here," Miz said. "I recognize the giant dolphin."

"Those are everywhere," JJ pointed out.

"Maybe so, but this one is evil. I don't like the way it's staring at me."

"And we worry you, huh?" said JJ with a chuckle. "Come on, I think it's this way."

"Awesome," Miz said.

Neither of them noticed the pair of eyes watching their every move, or the way the owner of the eyes slid from the bushes and followed them through the park.


	61. Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Three

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys! You're awesome like Miz. ;D

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 61: Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Three

Miz and JJ could hear Christian and Randy before they could see them. "Are you sure this is right?" Christian asked.

"Of course it is," Randy said, sounding smug.

"Why are there so many steps? Who puts a bathroom at the top of a ladder, anyway?" Christian complained.

"Don't worry, you're almost there," Randy said.

Miz and JJ looked at one another. "Crap," Miz said, and they ran around the corner to see Randy at the bottom of a ladder that was set against the shark tank, with Christian at the top.

"Rey!" JJ shouted. "Get down!"

"What?" Christian said, squinting in JJ's general direction. "I'm on a one way ladder. The down exit is a slide inside the bathroom."

"Randy?" Miz said. "Did you tell Christian that the shark tank was a bathroom with a slide in it?"

"Yes?" Randy said.

"Why?"

"Well," Randy said, looking thoughtfully up at Christian, who now looked unsure and a little scared, "because when he gets up there, he'll slide down and it won't matter if he goes to the bathroom or not, because the sharks will be eating him." He smiled. "So it's not a lie; it's the truth."

"Orton!" Christian yelled. "You jerk!" He attempted to climb down the ladder, but he missed a step and ended up falling to the floor, flat on his back.

"Are you okay, Rey?" JJ asked the wheezing Christian.

"No. Must kill Orton," Christian said. "Then I'll be okay."

"He'll be fine," JJ said to Miz. "But you might want to get Beth out of here before Rey regains the use of his lungs."

"Good idea. Come on, Randy."

"You never let me have any fun," Randy said, pouting.

"I'll buy you a cookie to bite on. How's that?"

"Cookies don't scream," Orton muttered.

"I worry about you," Miz said.

"Can I bite a tourist?"

"No."

"Aww!" Randy said. "How about a park employee?"

"Maybe," Miz said. "If we get kicked out and it's not your fault."

"What if it is my fault?"

"Then no biting for three days."

Randy gave Miz a horrified look. "Three days? I'll die!"

"Then you'd better hope that we don't get kicked out because if you."

"But that's not fair."

"Sorry, but it's the rules."

"What rules?" Randy asked suspiciously.

"The ones in the handbook," Miz said.

"What handbook?"

"The one about you," Miz said. "Now what do you say we meet the others at the Shamu show?"

"There's a handbook about me?"

"Yes. 'The care and feeding of Randy Orton.' I've got the revised addition, the one that explains how letting you bite theme park people without due cause could be fatal to you."

"But I don't want to die!" Randy whined.

"Okay. Then no biting unless they deserve it. Ask me first. Oh, and stop trying to kill Christian. It's not nice."

"Can I kill Jeff?"

"Matt Jeff or Nero Jeff?"

Randy shrugged. "Either one will do."

"No. You're not allowed to kill anyone in our group."

"Aw, man! That sucks!"

Miz patted Orton's shoulder. "Maybe we can find you someone to torment later."

"Thanks, Miz. You're a good friend."

"Thank you," Miz said. "Look, Matt's up by the tank."

Matt stood by the tank, dangling the cup with Betsy in it over the water. "Hi, Miz!" he said brightly. "I found Betsy's cousin. They're talking about a family reunion next year here at SeaWorld, and they invited me, too!"

"Uh, that's nice, Jeff."

"I don't see Betsy's cousin," Randy said, squinting into the tank.

"Oh, of course not," said Matt blithely. "It's because she's invisible."

"So the fish we came here to see is invisible?" said Jeff, stepping up to the tank to see what the others were doing.

"Oh yes," said Matt, beaming at the fish in the cup. "She has to be, because she's the secret pilot that controls Shamu."

"Uh… huh. Miz, can I talk to you for a second?" Jeff said.

"Sure," Miz said, stepping away from the other two. "Behave yourself, Randy!"

"Aww!" Randy said.

"What's up?" Miz asked Jeff.

"I don't know if you've noticed," he said, "but Matt seems to be getting worse, the further we go."

"He seems the same to me," Miz said. "He hasn't really been Godzilla too much, and we've only had one or two Matthew incidents."

"That may be, but he hasn't been Matt at all. You said sometimes he's himself, and I don't know that I've seen it this entire time I've been with you."

Miz frowned. "You know, I think you're right. Weird."

"It's hard," Jeff said glumly. "I mean, I can tell he's happy being Jeff, but I don't know how I feel about giving up my identity forever so that Matt can have it. I just want him to be normal again."

"I don't know if he'll ever be normal again," Miz said. "I'm not sure he was entirely normal to start with." Jeff glared at him. "But it's the same with any of us. We court head injuries for a living, and I doubt any sane person would do that."

"I'm a dancing sea lion!" Mark said, dancing down toward Randy and Matt.

Jeff glanced toward the three of them, then looked back at Miz. "Yeah, I guess."

There was a commotion near the edge of the pool. Miz turned when he heard a splash, then Matt screamed out, "Betsy! No!"

"What the…" Jeff said. It was all he got out before a streak of silvery grey whipped past all of them and dove into the pool.

"What the hell was that?" Miz said.

Punk joined them by the pool just as JJ and Christian walked up. "An angel. A prophet. A worthy friend."

Christian squinted while Matt continued to wail. "A what now?"

"I know what it was," JJ said. "It was a cat."


	62. Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Four

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 62: Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Four

"A cat?" Miz said. "Are you joking?"

"No," JJ said, shaking his head. "It wasn't just any cat, either. It was Stardust." He frowned. "Your cat, Undertaker."

"Pixie?" said Miz in disbelief.

"Betsy!" Matt cried.

Just then, Pixie surfaced, the fish in her teeth. She jumped down from the side of the tank and trotted to Matt, then spit the fish into his cup. "Ugh," she said, shaking her fur. "Tell the kid to be more careful with his secret millionaire fish, okay? I don't want to have to rescue it again."

"She says that we should all get a Pepsi," Punk said with a smile. "To celebrate her ascension to angelhood. She's now a saint."

"Yeah, that too," the cat said.

"What are you doing here?" Miz demanded.

"Did you think I wanted to stay in that hot car all day? Please. I've been following you through the park this whole time. I knew somehow, you'd screw this up."

"Hey!" Miz said.

"Thank you, kitty," Matt said, sniffling. He ran his hand over Pixie's fur. "She's wet," he said. "Do we have a towel?"

"No," Miz said.

"Okay!" Matt carefully set Betsy's cup down and took his shirt off. He threw it over the cat and started to rub her fur vigorously.

"Ow!" Pixie yelped. "Tell him to take it easy!"

"Jeff," Miz said, "she says thank you, but she's okay. The sun is warm and she'll dry in no time."

"And no one wants to see you without a shirt," Randy added.

Matt shrugged and put the wet shirt back on. "It's nice and cool. Thank you, Pixie, for saving Betsy's life. He says to tell you that he'll give you lots of money when we get home and after he's been to the fishy ATM."

Pixie rubbed up against Matt, purring. To Miz, she said, "It's a nice thought, but I don't want the fish's money. Where would I spend it?"

"She said thanks, but she's just happy she could save Betsy's life and she doesn't want a reward."

Matt picked Pixie up and hugged her hard. "I love you, Pixie!"

"This is why I didn't want to get involved," Pixie said, as she worked her way out of Matt's arms. "I'll meet you at the car when you're done." She sauntered out of the area, leaving the rest of them to stare after her.

"So how about that Pepsi?" Punk finally asked.

"Jeff," Miz said, "what exactly happened when Betsy fell into the pool?"

"Oh, it was awful!" Matt said. "I had her cup tipped a little bit so that he could talk to his cousin Daniel…"

"His cousin's name is Daniel?"

"Yep! Anyway, Betsy and Daniel were talking and then someone bumped into me, and I lost my balance and nearly fell into the pool. Randy grabbed me and pulled me back, but the cup spilled and Betsy went into the water."

"Randy pulled you back," Miz said, not quite believing it.

"Yes," Randy said with a nod.

"Who bumped you?" Punk asked.

"I don't know," Matt said. "I was too busy talking to Betsy and his cousin. I didn't see anything. Maybe it was a ghost?"

"I somehow doubt that," Jeff said.

"Yeah, but it could be," Matt said. "Do you remember that one time when we were little and we went to grandma's and we saw a ghost?"

"Of course I…" Jeff paused. "Matt? Matty?"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said stubbornly.

Jeff sighed. "Right. Of course. Sorry." He turned and walked up the stairs into the bleachers and took a seat away from the others.

"Punk, see if you can get to the bottom of what happened with Jeff. I'm going to talk to Nero."

Punk nodded and Miz followed the path Jeff had taken into the bleachers. He sat down beside the other man, who was sitting with his eyes tightly closed. "Jeff?"

"What, you're not going to call me Nero?" he said, his voice breaking on the name. "I thought… I thought he was in there, and that he was coming out, but he's not, is he?"

"Someday he will."

"I'm not sure I can wait." Jeff took a breath. "This is breaking my heart, Miz. Sitting here, watching him and knowing that he doesn't want to be himself anymore… It's tearing me apart and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. Even if we make it to the show and find whoever JJ thinks we need to find, then what? How is that going to cure Matty and make him my brother again?"

"I don't know," Miz said softly.

Jeff sighed and stared down at Matt, talking with the others and clutching his fish tightly to him. "And what right do I have to ask him to be my brother? He's happy being someone he's not. I'm selfish for wanting my brother back. I know I am, but I can't help it. I'd rather he was himself and miserable than me and happy. How sick is that?"

"I don't think he's miserable being himself."

"Then why is he constantly someone else?" Jeff asked, turning to look at Miz with tears in his eyes. "Answer me that. Why doesn't he want to be Matt, and why can't I be happy for him and just accept him for who he is, Miz?"

Miz sighed. "I don't know that, either."

"Well, I wish someone did." He stared down at his brother again. "Are we almost done here? I'm so sick of SeaWorld."

Miz chuckled. "I'll go and see how long it'll be."

"Thanks," Jeff said, managing a weak smile.


	63. Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Five

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 63: Miz Goes To SeaWorld, Part Five

When Miz reached the bottom of the stairs, Punk asked, "Nero okay?"

"He will be."

"Good." Punk glanced up toward Jeff, then turned back to Miz. "This has been hard on him, hasn't it?"

"Yeah," Miz said. He cleared his throat. "Hey, Jeff?"

"Yes?" Matt said, looking inquiringly at Miz.

"Are you almost ready to go?"

Matt frowned, then looked down at Betsy. "Betsy says that he and Daniel have decided to have the reunion at my house because Betsy doesn't like SeaWorld anymore, and Daniel said she needs a vacation anyway and she's going to ask for time off work."

"So does that mean you're ready to go?" Miz asked.

"Yes, geez!" Matt said, rolling his eyes. He muttered to Betsy, "Grown ups!"

"Okay," Miz said. "Punk, can you watch Jeff and Mark?"

"Sure, why?"

"Because we may take a minute to get out of here." Miz turned to Randy. "Thanks for saving Jeff. Stay here and Nero and I will walk out with you."

"Do I get to bite anyone? I was good!"

"Yes," Miz said with a sigh.

"Yay!" Randy said, jumping up and down, clapping. "I'm going to bite someone today!"

"But you can't pick someone random!" Miz said. "You have to let me pick out who you can bite, okay?"

"Oh." Randy said, frowning. "Okay. But can you pick someone soon? I'm starving!"

Miz stared at Randy. "I seriously worry about you," he said.

"Come on, guys," Punk said. "I'll get you some gum, Jeff."

"Yay, gum!" Matt said. "Can Betsy have some too? He wants strawberry. Or watermelon. No, strawberry."

"I don't think gum is good for fish," Punk said. "It gets stuck in their fins."

Miz shook his head and turned to look up at Jeff in the bleachers. "What's wrong with him?" Randy asked. "Did you tell him he couldn't bite anyone either?"

"Not exactly," Miz said. "Why don't you go see Betsy's cousin?"

"Didn't you hear Jeff?" Randy said in disbelief. "She's invisible!"

"Right," Miz muttered. "Well, maybe you can…"

"Bite someone?"

"No! I mean, not yet. We have to find the right person first, and I need to go talk to…"

"What about that lady?" Randy asked, pointing to a woman with a stroller. "She has a baby."

"No. Will you let me finish my…"

"How about the fat guy?"

"No, Randy! And quit pointing. It's rude." Miz paused. "Also, don't call people fat. It's not nice."

"I know," said Randy, smirking.

Miz rolled his eyes. "Give me five minutes and then I'll find you someone to bite."

Randy sighed and plopped down on the nearest bleacher. "Fine, but if someone wanders in, I am so biting them."

"No you're not," Miz said, climbing the steps.

"I so am!" Randy yelled after him.

"Sorry," Jeff said, when Miz reached him.

"Why? There's no need to be."

Jeff sighed. "I miss my brother."

"I'm starting to miss him, too," Miz admitted.

They watched Randy chase a pigeon, screaming, "Rawr! Imma bite you!" at it.

"Orton's a handful," Jeff remarked.

"You have no idea," Miz muttered. "Randy! Don't leave the area! Stay where we can see you!"

"Aww!" Randy yelled back. "But the bird…!"

"I mean it, Randall!" Miz yelled.

Randy glared up at Miz. "You're no fun!" He kicked a rock so it hit the side of the tank.

During this exchange, Jeff had been staring at Randy, but he now turned to Miz. "Do you ever feel like you're surrounded by six year olds?"

"Yes, every moment of every day."

Jeff nodded. "I guess I can be Nero for a bit longer. We're almost to the arena, anyway, and once we get there, we can sort this out. I'll be able to take Matt home and get him some real help."

Miz stood up. "Well, if you ever need a babysitter… don't get Orton. Seriously, he tried to lure Christian into the shark tank earlier. Plus he always wants Matt to be Matthew. It's not a good idea."

"Yeah, I figured," Jeff said.

"We should get going. Punk's easily irritated and I left him with your brother and Mark."

"Poor man," Jeff said with a chuckle. "But you know, it serves him right. He's been a jerk to me."

"What do you expect?" Miz asked. "He's a jerk to everyone."

"Good point." Jeff stood and followed Miz down the stairs.

"Can I bite someone now?" Randy whined.

"Sure, let's find you someone to bite," Miz said.

"Oh good!" Randy danced happily over to the tank and leaned down. "Hey, Betsy's invisible cousin, guess what? I'm going to bite someone now!"

Miz led them out of the arena, scanning the crowd for anyone he wouldn't feel too guilty about Randy biting. "Listen, Randy. I'll pick someone, and you bite them, but then we have to run out the gate to the SUV, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because we don't want to get arrested."

"But that would mean more people to bite!"

Miz turned and leveled his gaze on Randy. "Do you want them to think you're rabid and put you to sleep?"

Randy blinked. "No?"

Miz nodded. "Then it's going to have to be a bite and run." He turned again and saw the ice cream vendor he'd gotten a cone from earlier. "Hey, how about the ice cream guy? He didn't give me my change."

"I'm on it," Randy said, stalking away from them so he could study his prey.

"Have you noticed how much more moody and childish Randy is today?" asked Jeff.

"Must be SeaWorld. That brings out the worst in him, I guess."

"No, I think something's wrong…" Jeff began, but just then Randy pounced on the unsuspecting ice cream man, who shrieked and flailed.

"Run!" Miz yelled. "A crazy man is loose in the park!"

In the panic that ensued, Miz grabbed Jeff's arm and hurried toward the exit. When they saw Randy, Miz corraled him as well and pulled them both toward the vehicle. Randy sighed in contentment. "That was a good bite. Did you see it? I caused a stampede!" He smiled. "A stampede!"

"I saw," Miz said.


	64. Miz On The Run

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 64: Miz On The Run

"Why was the crowd evacuating the park?" Punk asked as Miz and the others climbed into the SUV.

"It's probably better if you don't ask," Miz said. He herded Randy into the vehicle and slid in himself, leaving Jeff to sit in the front with Punk.

"Okay then," Punk said. He started the vehicle. "Everyone in?"

"Did Pixie get back?" Miz asked.

"Yeah, she was at the car when we got here. She said she was glad we were going to drink Pepsi and celebrate her, and that we should convince as many people in the arena as we could to convert to straightedge tonight. And if we wanted to baptize them with Pepsi, that would be good, too."

"We're better off lying low, don't you think?" Jeff asked.

Punk shrugged. "Just repeating what Pixie said."

Randy turned to Miz. "That ice cream man will slowly wither away from the poison in his blood. He's got a death sentence because I bit him. Thank you, Miz."

Miz sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you you're not actually poisonous, Randy?"

"We'll see," Randy said with a creepy smile.

"I'm a kitchen knife," said Mark sleepily, leaning against Matt.

Matt stared at Mark, then sighed. "I guess Mark's an eating utensil again."

"It can't be as bad as the time he was a spork," Christian said with a shudder.

"Or a balloon," JJ added. "He kept yelling 'pop' and scaring Rey half to death."

"Yeah," Christian said. "That was a really bad day."

Matt chuckled. "Or what about that time he was Godzilla and kept roaring at people?"

"Are you sure that wasn't you, Jeff?" Christian said.

"Jeff?" Matt said, puzzled. "Geez, why do people always insist on calling me by my brother's name? I'm Matt."

"Matt?" Jeff said, turning to stare at his brother.

"Now see," Matt said. "That's Jeff." He blinked. "Hey! When did Jeff get here?"

"Forever ago," Punk said. "And now he won't go away."

"I would," Jeff said, "if I thought I could."

"I've got so much to tell you, Jeff," Matt said, leaning forward over the middle seat. "Can you switch places with me, Miz?"

"I don't know if that's smart," Miz said. "That would mean you're next to Randy." He turned to Randy, who had his mouth open. "And don't say it, Randy, or no more biting!"

"Aw," Randy said. "But I like it when he's Matthew!"

"I know," Miz muttered. "But I don't. Jeff, why don't you trade places with me?"

"Hello?" Punk said. "I'm driving here!"

"We'll be quick," Miz said. He unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up. "Jeff?"

"Okay," Jeff said. "Don't kill us, Punk."

"I'd just have Dad bring you back," Punk said casually.

Jeff glared at him, then turned to Miz. "Ready?"

"Yes." The two of them quickly shuffled between the seats, causing Punk to swerve. "Hey!" Miz said, nearly landing on him.

"Don't blame me!" Punk said. "You're the one who keeps trying to sit in my lap!"

"I do not," Miz grumbled, buckling his seatbelt. "You swerved."

"What's that noise?" Christian said from the backseat.

JJ looked back. "Um, Hornswoggle? Undertaker? We have a problem."

Punk checked his mirror. "Oh, for the love of Dad! I'm being pulled over!" He paused. "Unless you think I can outrun him in this?"

"Don't you dare!" Miz snapped. "We don't need a trip to jail on top of everything else!"

"They'll put me to sleep because I'm deadly," Randy said. "If we go, I'm going down biting."

"Don't bite anyone," Miz warned Randy.

Punk sighed and pulled the vehicle over. "You guys just shut up and let me do the talking, okay? Good thing I have my license on me, or we'd be in a lot of trouble."

"Like we're not already," Miz muttered. "What if they have an APB out on us?"

"Do you think you'd have gotten into SeaWorld if that were true?" Jeff asked, turning to Miz. "No, it's probably because Punk was all over the road just now."

"Shut up," Punk muttered. "Here comes the cop." He put on his best smile and waited for the policeman. "Is there a problem, officer?"

The policeman looked suspiciously at Punk. "License and registration please."

"Of course," Punk said, digging out his license. "Miz, will you get the registration?"

"Does it have one?" Miz asked.

"Of course it has one!" Punk turned to the policeman. "It's a rental," he said, handing over his license, then the registration and rental papers that Miz gave him.

"Uh huh," said the policeman. "Were you aware that you were swerving back there?"

"Yes," Punk said. "Sorry. My friend bumped me while he was reaching for something in the back and I swerved."

"I wasn't reaching for anything," Miz said. "I was trading seats with Jeff."

Punk turned to glare at Miz. "Anyway," he said to the policeman. "He bumped me, which is why I swerved."

"Have you been drinking today?" the policeman said.

"No, officer," Punk said. "Absolutely not."

"Then you won't mind getting out of the car and taking a field sobriety test," said the officer.

"Of course," Punk said, unbuckling and opening the door. "I don't mind at all." He shot Miz one final glare, then followed the officer around the back.

"Drinking too?" Christian said sadly, shaking his head. "First drugs and now this. Poor Punk. This straightedge thing isn't working out so well for him, is it?"

"He hasn't been drinking, Rey," JJ said.

"You can't deny the drugs though, can you?" Christian asked smugly.


	65. Miz And The Exit Strategy

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: The past few days, I've had some relief from the writer's block. Enough to get this chapter out. I'm hoping that it will continue, as I have plans for Miz and company that will span several more chapters. Also, this story has been in progress for a year as of July 1. Happy Mizzaversary, readers! :)

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 65: Miz And The Exit Strategy

Miz and the others watched through the back window with interest as Punk took the sobriety test. "I can't hear what they're saying," Randy complained.

"At least you can see them," Christian grumbled. "What's happening now, JJ?"

JJ said, "Hornswoggle is walking a line, and Prince Edward is watching."

"Who's Prince Edward?" Jeff asked, bewildered. "Is that another cat or something?"

"It's probably the cop," Miz said. "Why Prince Edward, though?"

"Why Spongebob?" Jeff muttered.

"Quiet guys, they're coming back," JJ said.

"Of course, officer," Punk was saying as they walked back. "I will certainly be more careful in the future."

"You do that," the policeman said, handing the license back to Punk before he climbed back into the SUV. "Keep it between the lines."

Punk nodded and adjusted his position on the seat, securing the seatbelt before looking back at the officer. "Thanks." When the cop started back to his car, Punk pulled away. "Well, that was interesting. I've never had to do a sobriety test before. Thanks a lot, Miz."

"New experiences are good for you," Miz said. "How did you keep from getting a ticket, anyway?"

"Nevermind that. You're lucky you didn't get a ticket. I can't believe you told him that you and Jeff were switching spots."

"Why not?" Miz asked, brow furrowed. "We were."

"That doesn't mean you have to share it with the world." His hands squeezed the steering wheel. "I think I need a break from driving."

"You just took a break," Christian said. "You were out socializing with that cop."

Punk growled. "I'm going to kick him," he said to Miz.

"Don't," Miz said. "We should just get to where we're going."

"Then maybe someone else should drive for a while," Punk said. "I don't trust the rest of you. Jeff, do you and Matt want to hang out up front?"

"Sounds good to me," Jeff said, glancing at his brother. "And it'll keep Matt away from Orton."

Randy pouted. "No one loves me anymore. Well, except for Jeff."

"I don't love you," Jeff said.

"Not you, the other Jeff."

"Other Jeff?" Matt said, confused. "What are you talking about, Orton?"

Randy smirked and leaned over to Matt. "I'm talking about Drew, of course."

Matt immediately stiffened, his eyes glazing over. "Oh, dad," Punk said. They hadn't gone more than a mile, but he was looking for an exit.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Jeff demanded.

Randy shrugged. "I wouldn't use that tone with me, Spongebob. I'm poisonous."

Jeff glared. "How many times do I have to say, I'm not Spongebob?" He turned to Miz and Punk. "Let me out of this car right now."

"Let me find an exit," Punk said.

"No! I want out right now!" Jeff demanded. "I can't take any more of the craziness! I'd rather walk home than deal with you lot any more."

"You know where's in Florida, right?" Miz said.

"Oh, I'm aware," Jeff said. "Pull over."

Miz sighed and looked at Punk. "Maybe you should."

"In the middle of the freeway?" Punk said. "Look, there's an exit. It's less than a mile away. Why don't we pull over, maybe put some gas in the vehicle and everyone can get out and stretch."

"Fine," Jeff grumped. "But when we get there, I'm finding a phone and calling a cab."

"What about Matt?" Miz asked.

Jeff stared at his brother. "Who is he now, anyway?" He nudged his brother, who blinked and turned to stare darkly at him.

"I'd say Matthew," Miz said.

"Yay!" Randy said. "Matthew, guess what? I bit some guy at SeaWorld and now he's dying! Isn't that awesome?"

"For the millionth time, you're not poisonous, Randy," Miz said.

"I beg to differ," Jeff muttered. Randy shot him a triumphant glance.

"Jeff believes in me! I guess that means he can stay."

"I don't want to stay. I want to go! And I'm taking Matt with me. I'm going to get him the help he needs."

"What?" Randy said, snapping his head around so he could stare at Jeff. "You are NOT taking Matthew with you. He's my best friend."

"I don't care," Jeff said. "He needs help, not whatever this is."

"You aren't very nice, are you?" Randy said. "Matthew, do you want to go with Jeff or stay with me?"

Matt smirked. "Who says I want to stay with any of you?"

"Well, that was just rude," Randy grumbled. "It's my fault you're here instead of Matt."

"Don't think that fact is lost on me," Jeff said.

"No fighting until we're parked," Punk said. "And do it away from the vehicle." He sighed as they took the exit. "Do you see a gas station, Miz?"

"The sign says turn left," Miz advised him.

"Left!" Randy shrieked, causing Punk to jerk the wheel. "Why is it always left?"

"Damn it, Orton!" Punk said.

"Oh, look, Hornswoggle," JJ said, "your friend's back."

"What are you talking about?" Punk asked. He glanced to his side mirror, then groaned. "Not again!" Sure enough, the same cop car was tailing them off the exit, lights blinking. "This is all your fault," he growled at Miz.

"How is this my fault?" Miz said. "I didn't do anything this time."

"Why couldn't you find a gas station on the right side?" Punk said.

"Maybe you should try to outrun him," Randy suggested.

Punk glanced at Randy in his rearview mirror. "Shut up, Orton, or I'm asking him to take you in."

Randy glared at Punk. "You do and I'll bite you!"

"Guys, calm down," Miz said. "Just pull over, Punk. We'll work it out somehow."

"Yeah," Punk grumbled, "probably by being arrested. I didn't go straightedge so I could have a criminal record, you know."

"We've got a bigger problem than that if we get arrested," Miz said. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't want to go back to the hospital."


	66. Miz Screws Up

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Two chapters in one week? What the heck? :)

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 66: Miz Screws Up

"What do you think he's going to do to us?" Miz asked nervously, as they watched the policeman approach.

"Nothing," Punk said. "But keep your mouth shut this time, for Dad's sake!"

"Right," Miz said.

When the officer stepped up to the window, Punk put on his best apologetic face and said, "Look, I'm really sorry about swerving back there. I'm trying to find a place to go so we can change drivers for a while."

The policeman stared for a moment before holding something out to him. "Here."

"Is it a ticket?" Miz asked, craning his neck. "You're not taking us to jail, are you?"

"Why would I take you to jail?" the policeman said, focusing on Miz now.

"Uh, no reason," Miz said.

"Maybe you better step out of the car," the policeman advised Miz. He turned back to Punk, the papers still extended. "Take it."

Punk took the papers and looked at them. "This is the car's registration and our rental contract. How did…?"

"I forgot to give them back," the policeman said. "Didn't notice it until after you'd left."

"Oh." Punk digested that thought. "So we can go?"

"Not quite," the policeman said. "I'd be very interested to know why your friend thinks I'd take you to jail." He looked over the hood of the SUV at Miz, who had climbed out while Punk and the policeman were talking. "So I'm going to have to search your car now. Make sure none of you have any drugs on you."

"I understand," Punk said with a sigh.

"Everyone step out of the car," said the policeman.

Randy made sure to stay close to Matthew once they'd stepped out of the car. "Want to see me bite him?" he whispered to Matthew.

Matt gave Randy a weird look, then turned to study the officer, his eyes narrowed. "Maybe."

Randy smiled. "Okay."

"Uh oh," JJ said, nudging Christian. "I know that look. Beth's smiling."

Christian frowned. "Don't worry," he said. "I'll take care of it." He marched away from JJ to Jeff and seized him by the collar. "Now see here, Orton, whatever it is you have planned, you put it out of your head right now. You hear me?"

"Ack!" Jeff said, trying to push Christian away. "What is the matter with you? I'm not Randy, I'm Jeff!"

"Nice try," Christian said with a smirk, "but that sounds nothing like Jeff."

"Uh, Rey?" JJ said. "That's Spongebob. Beth is a little more to the left."

"Nonsense," Christian said. "Orton may have you fooled, but I know this is him."

"Will someone give me a little help here?" Jeff said.

"What's in it for us?" Punk asked, watching Christian shake Jeff while the latter tried to escape. "This is entertaining. Stopping it might get bloody, though, and that's less entertaining."

"You are a horrible human being. Do you know that?" Jeff said to Punk.

"Mm. Good thing I'm not really human, then."

"I'm a lizard!" Mark cried happily. He ran around Jeff and Christian and flicked his tongue in the air.

"I think that's a snake," said Punk helpfully.

"Okay. I'm a snake!" Mark said.

Randy crossed his arms. "Hey! He can't be a snake! I'M a snake!"

Just then the officer came back from the SUV, Miz in tow. "I can assure you, officer, I'm not on drugs," he was saying.

"I'm sure there's enough being a snake to go around," Punk said.

"Why? There wasn't enough being Jesus to go around," Randy countered.

The policeman paused, his eyebrows raised, and took in the sights. Randy had left his spot next to Matthew and was currently nose to nose with Punk, the two of them shouting angrily. Christian was still shaking Jeff and yelling that he knew Jeff was secretly Randy. Matt was standing between the two pairs, smirking and watching it all like a tennis match. JJ sat on the ground, Betsy's cup in one hand and Pixie being held against his chest with the other. Mark ran around the lot of them, screaming, "Hiss! Hiss! I'm a snake and I'm going to bite you!"

Miz stopped beside the policeman. "I guess I can't say the same for the rest of them," he muttered.

"Can you help me?" Jeff yelled to the officer.

The policeman stepped forward and grabbed Christian by the arm. "That's enough."

Christian blinked. "Who is that?"

"It's the policeman, Rey," JJ said.

"I'm sorry," Christian said, releasing Jeff. He turned toward the police officer. "I can't see without my glasses."

Jeff rubbed at his neck and glared at Christian. "You shouldn't be grabbing people. Especially if you can't see."

"Would someone like to explain to me what's going on here?" the policeman asked.

"It's really rather complicated and messy," Punk said.

"Try me," the officer replied, his steely gaze scanning the group.

"It's not complicated," Miz said. "Randy's a snake, Punk's Jesus, Matt has multiple personalities, Mark thinks he's random things, Christian can't see, JJ can't say names, and Jeff and I are normal." He turned to Punk. "See? Not difficult at all."

The policeman stared at them, then sighed. "If I let you off with another warning, do you promise to drive safely and get the hell out of my county? There's no way I want to write all of that up for my report, and your car's clean. No drugs."

"Thank Dad," Punk muttered. "Of course, officer. As soon as we've put gas in the car, we'll be on our way."

"Good," the officer said. "Don't get caught speeding, but the sooner you're into another jurisdiction, the better."


	67. Miz Comes To Terms

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 67: Miz Comes To Terms

"He was nice," Miz commented, as Punk pulled the SUV back onto the road.

Punk took a second to glare at Miz before he turned his eyes back to the pavement in front of them. "Everyone be still and be quiet."

"I'm a quiet," Mark said softly.

Punk sighed. "I'll be glad when this is all over. Thank Dad he didn't haul the lot of us in after what you said to him, Miz."

"What?" Miz said. "I told him the truth."

"Sure," Punk said. "Because talking to cats and candy are perfectly normal."

Miz frowned. "Where is Mizbert, anyway? I haven't been able to locate her for some time."

"I put the bag under the seat for safekeeping, Undertaker," JJ said.

"Oh, thanks." Miz nodded. "Now that you mention it, I can hear something…" He leaned down and dug under the seat. "Ah ha!"

"Get me ouuuut!" Mizbert was screaming.

"Are you okay?" Miz asked, opening the bag to peer in at the marshmallow.

"No I am not!" said Mizbert. "I've been under this seat for weeks!"

"We haven't had the car that long," Miz said, soothingly. "And we haven't been on the road that long. Heck, I haven't even known you that long."

"Are you calling me a liar?" Mizbert de

manded.

"No…" Miz said.

"Besides, I don't measure time in your years. I measure it in Mizmallow time!"

"I wasn't aware such a thing existed," Miz said.

Punk glared at the road. "I thought everyone was going to be quiet."

"Sorry," Miz said. "Mizbert's mad at me."

"Mizbert is a marshmallow," Punk said. "He should be mad at the world."

"She," Miz corrected.

"I think the lot of you are gender confused," Punk said. "Betsy's a boy, Mizbert's a girl, and Mark's a whatever he feels like at that moment."

"I'm a quiet," Mark said.

"Yes, but are you a boy quiet or a girl quiet?" Punk asked, which made Mark a very quiet quiet.

"I don't think quiet has a gender," Christian said thoughtfully.

"Whatever," Punk said, sighing in relief when he could pull the SUV off at the exit. He pulled into a gas station and parked next to one of the pumps, then turned so he could face the others in the back. "Let's get some gas, maybe have lunch, and regroup. Anyone who doesn't want to stay doesn't have to."

"I'd like to talk to Jeff before he and Matt leave," Miz said. "Punk? You want to come?"

Punk glanced back in his rearview mirror. "Probably not wise. Someone should keep an eye on Matthew and Randy. They've been whispering the entire time we've been back on the road."

Miz nodded. "How about it, Jeff?"

"I'd rather not," Jeff said. "I just want to get home and get my brother some help."

"I understand," Miz said. "But this plot is against him, too. He was kidnapped and held against his will in that hospital while some imposter took his place. Don't you think you owe it to him to catch the people responsible and have them put away for good?"

"I somehow doubt anyone could put Vince away for good," Punk said. "The man's like a mob boss. He could deny he knew about it and have someone else take the fall for him."

"I know he knew about it," Miz said. "I talked to him and HHH about it."

"So now it's two against one," Punk said. "Who do you think HHH will side with? You?"

"He's the one who drugged me," Miz said.

"So you're crazy and you are going to accuse the two men who run the company of something that sounds insane. Yeah, that'll get you far."

"Look, I just want some justice!"

"We all do," said Punk. "But we probably won't get it."

"We will when we find Kofi," JJ said. "He can set this right. He knows the truth."

Jeff said, "I don't care what you guys do. Matt and I are leaving."

"Excuse me?" Matthew said, turning his head so he could stare at Jeff. "And just who do you think you are? I'm not going anywhere with you."

"I'm your brother," Jeff said, bewildered. "You have to come with me. You need help."

"Yes," Matthew said, smirking. "And lucky for me, Randy is willing to help."

The Viper was practically bouncing in his seat. "I'm going to bite people!" he said in a singsong voice. "They're going to die!"

"Uh," Jeff said. "Yeah, that sounds… nice. But don't you want to go home, Matt?"

"It's Matthew," Matthew said coolly. "And no, I don't. Not until I've watched the world burn."

Jeff turned back to Miz. "Okay, so maybe I need some help with him. But the second you've got whatever it is you're looking for, we're headed home and I'm getting my brother some help."

"All right," Miz said. "So lunch, then?"

"I suppose," Jeff said, sighing. "You'd better not lose my brother, Punk!"

"Oh, don't worry," Punk said with a smile. "My Dad can locate people anywhere on the planet for me. Think of it like me having Celestial GPS."

"Left," Randy muttered, twitching.

"Or not," Punk said hastily. "You guys sit tight for a minute while I pump the gas, and then we can see about lunch."

Jeff waited until Punk was gone. "Do you trust him?" he asked Miz.

"Yeah, I do. We need your help as much as you need ours," Miz said. "And he knows it. He's not going to let anything happen to your brother, Jeff."


	68. Miz And Jeff Have Lunch

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Good news! New Mizard chapters (yes, I said chapters, as in more than one) are finished and I'll be slowly uploading them once they're proofread. Thanks so much for your support and patience with both me and this weird story of mine. :) I love you guys. You all seriously rock.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 68: Miz and Jeff Have Lunch

"This is nice," Miz sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back against the booth. They'd chosen a Denny's just off the exit, and the others were a couple of tables away. Miz noted the exasperated look Punk had on his face as he dealt with the others.

Jeff watched his companion, his back to the others. "You're sure Punk can handle them?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Orton and Matthew?"

Miz shrugged. "They'll be fine."

Jeff sighed. "All right. What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I'm glad you've decided to stay with us."

"Only until we resolve this thing, and only because I want Vince to pay for my brother's treatment. I can't believe this has been going on for so long, under all of our noses. How could I not have known that the Matt living down the street from me wasn't my brother?"

"I don't know," Miz said. "But we all got fooled. I had no idea that any of those guys on the roster weren't who they said they were. You don't expect it because really, who expects robots?"

"I suppose you're right."

"Anyway, once we take care of things at the arena tonight, we can all go our own way. I can get my life back, and you can get Matt help. I don't know what's going to happen to the others… Orton seems to need more help than anyone I've ever met… but maybe there's someone out there who can cure his delusions of poison."

Jeff chuckled. "I have to admit, it's a little bit funny. Why does he think he's poisonous?"

"No idea," Miz said. "Why does Punk think he's Jesus?"

"I think it's the beard," Jeff said.

"Matthew! Randy! You two get back here this instant!" Punk yelled suddenly.

"Sounds like things are starting to get out of hand," Miz sighed. "Maybe we ought to help Punk?"

"It'll be okay," Jeff said. "Look." He inclined his head and Miz turned to see Mark, dragging the two of them back by their ears, berating them the whole way.

"Your mama raised you boys better'n that!" he screeched. "To think that you're running- running!- in a restaurant! And I didn't hear you tell the nice waitress thank you for your chocolate milks. She slaved over them! Now you boys sit and behave for once, or no more toys for you!" He more or less flung them into their respective chairs, making Miz wince.

"You do not want to cross Mark when he's in his mother mode."

Jeff nodded, the look in his eyes distant. "I suppose not."

"You all right?"

"Fine." He shook his head, then smiled at Miz wanly. "Just thinking, is all. It has certainly been a strange trip, hasn't it?"

"It has," Miz agreed. "And you missed the weirdest parts."

"Now drink your milk and don't you complain!" Mark said to Matthew and Randy. "Or I'll take you out back and whup you!"

"That… is a disturbing image," Miz said with a shudder.

Jeff laughed. "Maybe it'll make them behave."

"For a while, anyway," Miz agreed.

"Guys?" Punk said, leaving his table so he could approach Miz and Jeff. "I'm not sure how long it'll be until we get kicked out at the rate those three are going."

"You want to sit?" Miz asked.

Punk looked between the two- Miz on one side of the booth, and Jeff on the other. He raised his eyebrows, then shook his head. "I think I'll stand, thanks. Besids, looks like management is headed our way, and someone has got to keep the rest of these guys in line. May as well be Jesus."

"At least you're helpful when it comes to your delusions," Jeff said.

Punk smirked. "Says the guy who claims he doesn't do drugs." He inclined his head to the two of them before walking away to meet the manager.

"Ouch," Miz muttered. "That was a little harsh."

"Punk doesn't know anything about me."

"You're right, he doesn't," Miz agreed. "But to be fair, you don't really know anything about him, either." They watched as the rest of their party was escorted from the restaurant in silence. Then, Miz turned back to his companion. "I suppose the break's over. We ought to get back on the road so we can stop this from happening. I'd like to go back to my real life and not have to babysit this bunch anymore."

"I bet you'll be glad to be rid of us."

Miz shrugged. "Maybe. At the same time, we've spent so much time together that I have no idea what I'm going to do when I'm not surrounded by lunatics anymore."

"You'll still be surrounded by professional wrestlers. I think we count as lunatics."

"Good point." Miz sighed and pushed his food away. "Shall we head outside and see what the damage is?"

"I think we'd better. Punk appears to have his hands even more full than when he left." Jeff indicated the window. They could see Carol the SUV and their traveling companions. Punk and JJ were trying to untangle Christian from the seatbelt while Orton and Matthew were attempting to sneak off.

Miz shook his head. "What did I do to deserve this?"

"I don't know," Jeff said, "but whatever it is, I must have done it, too. Come on, let's go rescue Punk before he kills someone."

"He'd just have his dad bring them back to life, anyway," Miz said.


	69. Miz In Miami

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 69: Miz in Miami

Orton and Matthew didn't get far before Mark dragged them back again. Once they had everyone back in the SUV, Jeff took to the driver's seat with Punk in the front passenger seat. "Where to?" Jeff asked.

"Time to go to the American Airlines arena in Miami," Punk said. "I assume you remember how to get there?"

"I remember," Jeff said evenly.

"Good. Then I think I'll take a nap." And with that, Punk leaned back in his seat, closed his eyes, and pretended to snore.

"You guys are so weird," Jeff muttered.

"At least it's only a couple more hours," Miz soothed. "All of this should be over by tonight."

Jeff nodded. "Then let's get this over with," he said.

^%^

"Why are we stopping?" Miz asked groggily, four hours later.

"Because we're here."

"We are?" Miz craned his neck to peer out the front window at the huge arena. "Oh. So we are."

"You feel all right?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah, sure. Just a little… off balance. I can't believe this is almost over, that's all."

"We still have to go in and see if we can find JJ's 'Kofi'," Jeff said.

"Yeah." Miz rubbed his eyes and stretched. "We should probably lay low until the show starts tonight. I mean, there's no point in getting in there now. I'm sure Vince and HHH are probably in there, and running into either of them wouldn't be good."

"All right," Jeff agreed. "Where to, then?"

"The Super 6," Punk said, sitting up. "It's located about five miles from here, down on the right. I've already made us reservations."

"When did you do that?" Miz asked.

"On the bus with that band Christian knows," he said, shrugging. "We can do a little creative rearranging of rooms so you and Matt can share, Jeff."

A sleepy, "I'm Jeff," met the statement from the back.

Jeff sighed. "I never thought I'd be so happy to see Matt acting like a child. I'm glad Matthew's gone."

"I think we're all happy about that," Miz front passenger seat,ssenger seat, nyway,"ing to untangle Christian from the seatbelt while Orton and Matthew were at He stretched and yawned. "Now how about that hotel? I'm exhausted."

"Sounds good," Jeff said. Punk gave the directions, leading them down a seedy side street to a run down hotel. "Are you sure this is right?" Jeff peered doubtfully out the window at the Super 6.

"It's right," Punk said. "It's the only hotel in town that had a vacancy for as many rooms as we needed tonight. Besides, it's the perfect cover." He smiled. "And it's not like anyone is going to mess with us."

"Because we're wrestlers?" Jeff asked.

"Because I'm the son of God," Punk corrected.

"It still looks like a rough neighborhood," Miz said. "And what if people don't know who you are?"

"How could they not?" Punk asked reasonably. "Come on, Jeff. Park by the office and we'll go get the room keys."

"Sure," Jeff muttered. "Why not?"

Miz sighed as the two of them left the SUV. Only he, JJ and Christian were awake. Orton snored against the window, Mark was drooling and whimpering, and Matt slept peacefully with Pixie curled up on his chest, purring and Betsy settled in his little cup, fins waving in the water. "This is nice," Miz said. "It's probably the last peace we'll get before tonight."

Christian squinted toward Matt. "I'm glad it's almost over."

"Me too," Miz agreed. "But it's going to be so weird not traveling in the SUV, packed in like sardines anymore."

JJ chuckled. "I'll remind you of that next time we're scheduled to ride together."

"So you're thinking of coming back to work?" Miz asked.

JJ shrugged. "If I can work out the name thing. I'd like to be able to call everyone by their real names again. Otherwise, I'm going to have to make up nicknames, and that's going to be a mess."

"I can keep on translating," Christian offered. "It's not like I'm going to have anything better to do, anyway. I can't fight like this, and even if I do get another pair of glasses, they're not going to help me in the ring."

JJ sighed. "I wouldn't ask that of you, Rey."

"I know," Christian said. "But the offer's there, if you need it."

"Thanks," JJ said. "What about you, Undertaker? Are you going back to the ring after all of this is over?"

"Yeah," Miz said. "Of course. I want what they stole from me, and I want to make things right. HHH and Vince have been duping the WWE Universe long enough with those robots of theirs. It's time we take back what's ours."

"That sounds nice," Punk said dryly, opening the passenger side door. "Meanwhile, would you idiots like to help me get everyone into their rooms?" He tossed Miz a key. "You're in with Orton."

"Of course I am," Miz said with a sigh.

"I don't know why you're complaining," Punk said. "I'm in with the little teapot. Besides, Orton listens to you."

"He's also likely to try and bite me in my sleep," Miz grumbled.

"Then I hope he's wrong about being poisonous and you don't die," Punk said. "But if you do, come see me and we'll fix it."

Miz glared at Punk. "Thanks," he muttered, causing the straightedge superstar to smirk and shrug.

"Rise and shine!" Punk yelled into the SUV, startling the sleeping passengers. "I need you up for room assignments!"


	70. Miz And Orton Room Together

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Because it's the weekend, here's the next chapter. Yay!

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 70: Miz and Orton Room Together

"Can't I stay with Matthew?" Randy whined, clinging to a happy Matt.

"No," Miz said. "The last time we left you two alone for longer than twenty seconds, it ended with you nearly biting someone."

Randy smiled. "I know! That's the most fun I've had all trip!"

"Even more fun than SeaWorld?" Punk asked.

"Well, no," Randy admitted. "Now that you mention it, SeaWorld was fantastic. Are we going back?"

"No!" Miz snapped. "And I'm sorry, but you're rooming with me, and Matt and Jeff are rooming together."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said. "And Randy is my bestest friend!" He paused. "Except for Betsy. Oh. Can I have two bestest friends?"

"Yes," Punk said. "But you and Betsy are going to stay with Nero tonight, okay?"

Matt eyed Punk suspiciously. "Do I get cookies?"

"If you behave," said Punk resignedly.

"Yay! Nero, Nero! Guess what! You, me and Betsy are going to be roommates tonight!" He pulled away from Randy and ran to Jeff. "And maybe we can have cookies later!"

"That's… nice," Jeff said, frowning at Punk. "Come on, kiddo. Let's go see our room."

"Yay! Betsy and I want to jump on the bed!"

Miz winced at the thought of the fish, jumping (or, more likely, flopping) on the bed. "Come on, Randy," he coaxed. "You can tell me all about all the people you've bitten."

Orton perked up. "I can? Really?"

"Sure."

"Oh boy." He rubbed his hands together. "Where do I start?"

As the Viper headed for the room, Miz paused next to Punk. "You so owe me."

"Try not to get bit," Punk said, chuckling and shaking his head. "JJ, will you and Christian be all right?"

"We're fine, Hornswoggle," JJ said. "We're going to get some rest so we can be sharp for tonight."

"Sounds like a plan," Punk agreed. He turned to the final member of the party- a confused looking Mark Henry. "Come on, then. You and I are bunking together."

"I will do no such thing!" Mark all but shrieked at him. "I am a proper lady and I do not take kindly to your suggestions!"

Punk rolled his eyes heavenward. "Dad help me." Then, after a pause, he turned back to Mark, grinning. "But darlin', don't you recall? We were married last week! If we don't share this room, it'll ruin both our reputations. And though it's just a business deal between us, we certainly don't want to make anyone else suspicious, do we?"

Mark's brow furrowed and he pouted. "No," he finally sighed. "But you had best not be plotting to take advantage of me!"

"Believe me," Punk said, "that is the furthest thing from my mind."

^%^

Miz woke from his nap to see Orton eyeing him from the door. He looked as though he'd been about to open it and slip out. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"I need some air," Orton said. "It's stifling in this room."

"Uh huh," Miz agreed. "But it's going to be a long night, and face it; this is Florida. It's stifling everywhere. The humidity is way worse out there than it is in here."

Randy sighed and settled on the edge of his bed, glaring at Miz. "You never let me have any fun."

"I'm going to let you have fun tonight," Miz said.

"You are?"

"Sure. We're going to have to keep HHH busy tonight, and you are very good at that."

"I—I get to bite HHH?" Orton asked in disbelief.

"Maybe," Miz said, smiling mysteriously. "But not if you sneak out. I need you and Matthew to quit plotting against us, too."

Randy sighed. "Fine," he said, the word drawn out impatiently. "But his plans are really good. They involve a lot of biting. I don't know how long I can keep from doing them."

"Let's just worry about tonight for now, okay?"

The Viper nodded, his eyes narrowing on his companion. "You really want to find this guy, don't you?"

"Of course!" Miz said. "I want my job back. Hell, I want my life back."

"And you're going to make Vince and HHH pay for what they did to you?"

"No," Miz said.

"Oh." Orton frowned. "Why not?"

"Because I'm sure you'd be better at making them pay than I would," Miz said. "Now can I go back to sleep, or are you going to try and sneak out again?"

Randy smiled his creepy smile and laid down on his bed, his eyes on the cracked and stained ceiling. "I think I'll stay here and watch movies in my head."

"Are those related to the voices?" Miz asked, glancing over at the other bed.

"Maybe," Orton said noncommittally, the creepy smile never leaving his face. "They usually tell me to kill the same people, anyway."

"Uh, yeah," Miz said, edging as far away as he could get on the second bed without falling off. "I'll keep that in mind." For some reason, he found it hard to close his eyes after talking to Orton. He managed, and was drifting off to sleep when he realized that the Viper was humming something. It took his exhausted brain a long time to realize that it was Orton's theme song. Unfortunately, by then, Miz was already drifting off into sleep.


	71. Miz In The Arena Part One

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: Yay! We're FINALLY at the arena! And yes, I know they're at a Smackdown show and Miz and Cena are on Raw (as are pretty much everyone else in this cast). They're guest appearing! :D

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 71: Miz in the Arena (Part One)

They arrived at the arena after the crowd did. The parking lot was packed, as were the backstage area and the front of the house. A stagehand grabbed Miz as he walked by, glancing weirdly at the others for a moment, and said, "I needed to let you know that we're changing your promo. You come on after Cena instead of before."

"Fine," Miz said. "I'll go change now."

"Sure, yeah," said the man, backing off. "You know, it's weird, but I could have sworn you were already in your trunks when I saw you not ten minutes ago."

Miz shrugged. "I had to change."

"Why?"

"Accidents happen," Punk said, grabbing Miz and dragging him off, leaving a bug eyed stage hand in their wake.

"Did you have to say that?" Miz protested.

"Yes," Punk said. "Pay attention. Your clone is going on in a few minutes, and we need to get it together." He produced several walkies, like the ones that backstage crew used. "Set it to channel 9. They don't use that one, and we're going to need to communicate back here. Jeff, you and Matt…"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

Punk rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever." He handed a walkie to Jeff. "Nero, you and Jeff are going to catering. Keep an eye on what's going on in there. You may look a little suspicious…"

"You think?" Jeff said. "I'm not even working here anymore."

"I know," Punk said, smirking. "You're welcome." Jeff glared daggers at him. "Anyway, sit at the table in the back corner. Keep an eye on the comings and goings for me. The room should clear like it usually does mid show. That's going to be the critical time. And keep an eye out for the doubles."

"How will we know them?" Miz asked.

"We need a code," Punk said.

"Chirp!" Mark said. "I'm a bird!"

"Well, it's not subtle," Punk sighed. "But chirp will do."

Jeff nodded and took his brother's arm. "Come on, M—er, Jeff. Let's go get some food."

"Yay! Cookies!"

Jeff gave the others a look, then walked away. Punk turned back to the group. "JJ, you and Christian are in the locker room. I'll need to know what's going on in there. JJ's the eyes and Christian, you're the one doing all the talking. Got it?"

"Sure," Christian said.

"Good. You guys keep an eye out for this Kofi. If he's here, he's bound to end up in the locker room eventually." They nodded and took off.

"What about us?" Miz asked.

"You're in charge of watching HHH," Punk said. "You and Orton are going to keep an eye on the office. If he comes out, you follow him. Don't let him get away." Punk paused. "Use force if you have to."

Orton perked up. "Biting?"

"If you have to," Punk repeated, handing Miz the walkie. "Mark and I will be keeping an eye on Vince. We're going to have to be careful. This could get messy."

"All right," Miz agreed.

"We'll meet back up once the show's over, unless JJ calls us sooner. I'll tell you where when I know."

Miz nodded. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Punk said, grinning. "You too."

^%^

"Can I bite him?" Orton asked in a whisper, for what seemed like the millionth time. They were in an empty room, across and two doors down from HHH's office.

"Not yet," Miz muttered. They had a good view, but so far, HHH hadn't left his office. He seemed to be on the phone yet again. "What is he doing?"

"Probably talking to his wife. He does that a lot." Orton wrinkled his nose. "So when can I bite him? Now?"

"No," Miz said, squinting through the crack in the door.

"This is boring," the Viper announced. "You said I could bite him. You and Punk both said!"

"We said if we needed you to."

Randy pouted. "That's not what you said. You told me I could bite HHH. I want to bite him!"

"Randy," Miz hissed, dismayed. "Keep your voice down." He turned away from the Viper and saw, to his dismay, that HHH was off the phone and staring toward the room they were hiding in. "Great." Miz keyed the walkie. "We may have been spotted," he said.

"Stay put," Punk advised.

Miz nodded, despite the fact that Punk couldn't see him. "Okay," he muttered.

A moment later, he breathed a sigh of relief as HHH once again turned to the phone and picked it up. "Not yet?" Randy asked, seeing the tension drain out of his companion.

"No," Miz said. "Not yet, but maybe soon."

"Miz?" Randy asked, a puzzled note in his voice.

Miz shook himself a little, frowning. Had he been daydreaming? "Hmm?"

"Where's HHH?"

Miz spun around and stared in horror at the open office door. Sure enough, HHH was nowhere to be found. "Damn it!" he cursed, grabbing for the walkie. "Guys," he said, into it. "Something went wrong."

Punk's voice came back immediately. "What happened?"

Miz bit his lip and thought about how to put it for a long moment before he said truthfully, "I must have dozed off or something. I just lost the Game."

A/N: Blame Darkest-Hearts!


	72. Miz In The Arena, Part Two

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 72: Miz in the Arena (Part Two)

"What?" Punk's voice snapped through the walkie. "How could you lose the Game?"

"Guys!" Jeff said, the word almost a moan, "could you please quit saying that?"

"Saying what?" Miz asked.

"That you lost the game!"

"I did, though," Miz said. "Look, I know it's upsetting…"

"You have no idea," Jeff said. "I've been playing the damned game for three months without a loss. Now, after a couple days with you guys, I've lost the game!"

"No," Miz said, clearly puzzled, "I lost the Game."

"Can you two quit arguing over who lost the game?" Punk demanded.

"He wasn't supposed to watch him," Miz said. "We were."

"It's moot," Jeff said. "HHH just walked into catering and he's staring at us."

"Oh, crap," Miz said. "Don't move. Randy and I are on our way."

"Now I get to bite him?" Randy asked hopefully.

"Probably," Miz said. He started to run, glancing back once to be sure that Randy was following. He needn't have worried. The promise of biting someone was too great for the Viper to pass up. Already, he was licking his lips and chomping his teeth in practice.

They skidded to a halt in catering's doorway. Miz took in the scene. HHH was leaning over Jeff, a smirk on his face. "And I thought," he was saying, "that you made your position perfectly clear when you left, but suddenly, you're trespassing on company property."

Jeff shook his head. "No," he said. "I'm at a public arena that I've been to a million times, both with this company and without it. My being here has nothing to do with you, Hunter, so just walk away."

"Oh, I think it does," HHH said.

"Bite away, Randy," Miz said, just loud enough for the Viper to hear.

"Yay!" Randy screamed, launching himself at HHH.

"What the—" the Game managed to get out, before he was tackled by a flying Randy.

"Come on," Miz said to Jeff. "We have to get out of here, and fast, before he recovers from that. It won't take security long to get here."

HHH was already sputtering and screaming for help. "Yeah," Jeff said, grabbing Matt's hand. "Come on, Jeff."

"Randy," Miz said. "Give us a minute, and then you come running." He tossed his walkie down next to the Viper, who said something unintelligible around the chunk of HHH's arm that he was happily chewing on. The thumbs up he gave Miz showed that he got it, though. Miz grabbed Matt's other hand and the three of them took off out the door to catering at a run.

"Stop!" a security guard yelled, spotting them just as he came around the corner.

"Hell," Miz grumbled, as he was whipped the opposite direction by Matt and Jeff. The three of them pounded down the hallways, ducking into doors and taking strange corridors until they reached an out of the way bathroom on the second floor.

"We should be safe here," Jeff panted.

"Yeah," Miz agreed, leaning down to catch his breath.

Jeff smacked Miz. "What the hell was with you and making me lose the game, anyway?"

"What?" Miz asked, blinking. "You found the Game."

"No, not HHH. The game, man."

"What… are you talking about?"

Jeff sighed and slid down the wall, his eyes closing as he tried to regulate his breathing and gather his thoughts. "We are now playing the game. The rules are simple. If you think about the game, you lose."

"So I can't think about HHH…?" Miz said, brow furrowed. "Why would I think about him, anyway?"

"No," Jeff said, exasperated. "You know what? Nevermind." He blew out a breath. "You should see if Randy got away."

"Right." Miz took the radio from Jeff and hit the button. "Randy?"

There was static. Punk answered. "Randy isn't with you?"

"No," Miz said. "He was biting HHH. Jeff, Matt and I got away."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said. "And I want a cookie!"

"In a little bit," said Jeff tiredly. "For now, let Miz and Punk speak."

"We're not going to be able to announce anything on the walkies," said Punk. "If they got Orton, then we have to assume they have the walkie."

"Yeah," Miz said. "I gave him mine."

Punk was silent for a long moment. Then, "JJ, are you guys still in position?"

"Yeah," Christian's voice came back.

"Did you see him?"

"No," Christian said. "We've seen a lot of superstars, but not the one we want."

"Okay," Punk sighed. "Time to abort the mission and regroup with Carol."

"Good idea," Miz said. "We'll be there as soon as we can."

"Right," Punk began.

"I'm Carol!" said Mark in the background. "Yay!"

Punk grumbled. "I guess Randy's on his own for now."

"We'll fix it," Miz said.

"Randy's gone?" Matt asked, his lip trembling suddenly. "He's not coming back tonight?"

"We're going to get him back, Jeff," Miz promised.

"He's my bestest friend," Matt said.

Miz pursed his lips and looked thoughtfully at Jeff. "Matthew's, too."

Jeff stared at Miz, disbelief written on his face. "Oh no. Whatever you're thinking, Miz, you are not dragging my brother into it like that. Forget it."

"He may be the only one who can help Orton."

"We don't even know for sure that Orton's being held," Jeff said. "For all we know, he's back at Carol, waiting for the rest of us."

"What if he isn't?"

"Then," Jeff sighed, "I guess we're going to have to figure something else out. But you can't put Matt in the middle of it. He's unstable."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

"Aren't we all?" Miz muttered, and it was unclear to Jeff which brother that was meant to be an answer to. Either way, he didn't like it.


	73. Miz And The Escape

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 73: Miz and the Escape

By the time Miz and the Hardys made it down to Carol, the others were already there, but Randy was nowhere to be found. "Orton's not here?" Jeff asked.

"Haven't seen him," Punk said. "Then again, I was kind of busy." He tilted his chin at Mark, who was twirling around in circles and humming the theme from Swan Lake.

"What do we do?" Miz asked.

"Give him a minute," Punk suggested. "I'm sure he'll stop dancing soon."

"I meant about Orton."

"Oh." Punk shrugged. "You lost him. You could go find him."

"He was attacking HHH when we left him," Jeff said.

"Then he's probably a lost cause." Punk said. "Which means the rest of us should get out of here while the getting's good."

"But what about JJ's Kofi?" Christian asked. "We didn't see him anywhere. We can't really leave Orton and not have gained anything, right?"

"You never see anything anyway," Miz grumbled.

"I will beat you up, Miz!" Christian threatened. It would have been more effective had he not been staring at a random family on the way to their car as he said it. They hurried away. "Yeah, you better run!"

"I'm over here," Miz said, reaching out to turn Christian so he was facing him. "Nice job on threatening that young couple and their two kids under six, though."

Christian grumbled, "They looked just like you. You shouldn't hide behind a family like that."

"I didn't." He turned back to Punk. "So Orton?"

"We can't stay here all night," Punk said. "Once the crowd starts to clear out, HHH is going to be looking for us."

"Or maybe before," Jeff said. "Look." He indicated the door he, Miz and Matt had just escaped from.

"Crap," Miz said. "Everyone in the car, quick." HHH was scanning the parking lot, his eyes narrowing when he saw Miz and the others.

"Too late," Jeff said. "We've been spotted. Again."

"In the car now!" Punk demanded. Somehow, he managed to grab the still dancing Mark Henry and shove him toward the SUV's side door. Mark stumbled and let out a wail, tripping over his own feet and nearly taking the rest of them down with him.

"I'm hit!" Mark screeched.

Punk shoved Miz and the Hardys into the backseat. JJ grabbed Christian's arm and the two of them followed as the others half fell into the vehicle. "So help me, Mark…" Punk said. "You're in a contest to see who can get in the car fastest!"

"I'm going to win!" Mark said, launching himself at the vehicle. It rocked under the sudden launch of an almost five hundred pound superstar into its interior.

"Thank dad," Punk said, climbing in through the front passenger seat and locking the door.

"Punk!" HHH screamed as he raced toward the SUV. "Wait a minute!"

"No!" Punk yelled, dropping into the driver's seat, then fumbling for the keys.

"I just want to talk to you guys! Come on! Orton's in the arena…"

Punk slammed the keys into the ignition, turned the engine over, and shoved the pedal to the floor. The SUV peeled out, leaving the smell of burning rubber in their wake. In the back, the superstars shifted and yelled as Punk took the corner at the end of the drive too sharply. "Slow down!" Miz protested, pushing Matt off him. "Are you trying to kill us, Punk?"

"He said he's got Orton," Punk said. "What are we going to do now?"

"Relax! Ugh, Christian, stop hitting me!" Miz said.

"Then quit landing on me," Christian said.

"That's not me, it's JJ."

"Sorry, Rey," JJ said apologetically. "But if Hornswoggle doesn't stop driving like this, I'm never going to be able to move."

"Slow down, Punk!" Christian yelled.

"Don't yell in my face," Miz said to Christian. "He's the other way. Punk! Come on, we're at least five miles away from the way you're driving!"

"He saw the car!" Punk said. "That means we're going to have to abandon it somewhere, and I'm trying to find a good place to do that where we won't get caught!"

"You're going to get us pulled over and arrested," Jeff said.

"You're right," Punk said, slamming on the brakes. The superstars were carried forward by their momentum and crashed into the seats in front of them.

"Ow," Miz groaned. "Really? You're going to stop right here? In the middle of the road?"

"It's time we walked," Punk said. "Come on."

"I'd like to, but I'm pretty bruised, Hornswoggle," JJ said. "You just body slammed Rey and I with Shawn."

"I'd like to go home now," Christian whimpered. "And I don't care where home is, so long as it has pain meds."

"That's terrible!" Punk said, turning to look at the jumbled up superstars in the back. "You need to accept straightedge into your life, Christian. I think I saw a stray can of Pepsi in here earlier…"

"Punk!" Miz snapped. "No time for that now!"

"There's always time for straightedge," Punk said.

"Not when we're being chased by HHH!"

"Oh." Punk frowned. "Right, Sorry. We have to get out of here. But when we get back to the motel, I'll baptize you into straightedge, Christian. You'll feel so much better, I promise. And we can even take care of your eyes this time."

"You're not baptizing anyone if we don't get away," Miz said.

"I could always baptize them when we get caught," Punk said.

"You need to get your priorities straightened out," Miz said.

"Huh." Punk frowned. "Funny, they seem fine to me. So are we running or what?"


	74. Miz And The Wind

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 74: Miz and the Wind

The seven of them walked quickly down the road, ducking into bushes when a car would pass. "Do you really think HHH is going to chase us down?" Miz panted. He'd had to drag Christian out of yet another bush. For some reason, Christian kept falling into them, even when there wasn't a car around. If Orton had been with them, Miz would have accused him to pushing Christian. Since he wasn't, Miz had no idea what kept happening.

"Don't you?" Punk asked, stopping at an intersection. He glared in both directions before he turned left.

"Are you sure that's the right way?" Miz asked.

"It's left. Orton never lets us go left," Punk said. "But he's not here, so we can go left."

"That doesn't mean we should go left."

"Help!" Christian yelled. "A shrub has got me!"

Miz sighed and went back to see if he could help Christian. "What happened this time?"

"I think it was the wind," said Christian.

"Of course it was." Miz pulled Christian out of the shrub, then fell back so he could keep an eye on the blind man. Sure enough, it wasn't long before the "wind" came along and shoved Christian into another bush. "Mark!" Miz said. "Why did you push Christian into that bush?"

Mark smiled innocently at Miz. "I'm helpful," he said.

"Not if you keep that up," Miz said.

"So it wasn't the wind?" Christian asked, struggling to right himself. Miz sighed and grabbed his arm, dragging him out of the bush. "It was Mark all along?"

"Yes," Miz said.

"I should have known," Christian muttered, "especially when he shoved me and said, 'I'm the wind! Whoosh!'"

Miz facepalmed. "Most people would have realized that it was Mark then, yes."

Mark smiled and said, "I'm helpful!" right before he rammed into Miz as hard as he could, sending the superstar flying into the nearest shrub.

"What the…?" Miz spluttered. "A little help here, someone?"

"I've got it," Christian said. He lunged into the street, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car.

"Rey!" JJ yelled. "Get back on the sidewalk! What are you doing?"

Mark, meanwhile, was watching Christian in traffic, his eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "Punk?" Miz called. "Punk!"

Punk trotted back to where Miz was in the shrub. "We don't have time for games," Punk said, annoyed. He dragged Christian out of the street, then grabbed Miz's arm and helped to pull him away from the shrub.

"Those things could suck out your soul," Miz commented.

"My soul?" Christian asked with a frown. "Did the bushes steal it? Guiys, help me look for it. I can't see anything without my glasses!"

"Your soul is fine," Miz said.

Punk turned to Miz. "Don't lie to the man, Miz. Christian, your soul is NOT fine. It needs for you to accept straightedge into your life immediately."

"I'm being serious, Punk!" Christian said. "I'm not talking about your fake Pepsi religion, I'm talking about my actual, immortal soul!"

Punk stared in horror at Christian. "You… you heathen! I can't believe I actually helped you out of the street! How dare you! How dare you even suggest that the Pepsi isn't holy and I'm not Jesus and my religion isn't valid!"

"Uh, guys?" Jeff said, trying to get their attention.

"Of all the nerve!" Punk said.

"It's not real!" Christian taunted the straightedge superstar. "And Pepsi sucks. I'd much rather have a Sprite, thanks."

By now, Punk's face was red. "Blasphemy! Evil incarnate!"

"Guys," Jeff tried again.

"Guys!" Matt said happily, holding his brother's hand.

"If you'd just accept Pepsi into your life and let me baptize you…"

"Oh, Punk," Miz groaned. "Now isn't the time for that. Besides, we don't have any Pepsi handy."

"No way would I let you near me with a can of anything!" Christian shouted.

"Guys!" Jeff yelled, finally getting the attention of the others.

"What?" Punk snapped, turning to see what Jeff was looking at.

"There's a car over there, and someone is flagging us down."

"Oh, for pity's sake," Punk muttered. "You interrupted our talk about holy Pepsi and religion to tell us someone is waving at us?" He gritted his teeth and waved back before turning to Christian again. "That's nice and all, but this is important."

Mark, who had been quiet throughout the debate, sidled up to Christian, who was still yelling. "And furthermore," the Canadian was saying, "Pepsi isn't even good! At best, it's neutral!"

"I'm helpful," Mark muttered to himself. The others ignored him.

"Neutral!" Punk shrieked, completely incensed. "How can you even suggest something so completely ridiculous! Pepsi is so good that it comes out of the soda fountain blessed with healing properties! It's like that water in that place in France! I've been there, by the way, and it's actually clear Pepsi that's coming up from the ground!"

"That crystal Pepsi was nasty stuff," Christian remarked to a lamp post. "Very gross."

"It was not!" Punk screamed. "There's no such thing as bad Pepsi!"

"Maybe we ought to go see what that person wants, Jeff," Jeff said to Matt. He pulled his brother along without so much as a backward glance at the argument behind him.

"I'm helpful," Mark said again, louder this time.

"Uh," Miz said. "Mark…"

That was as far as he got before Mark Henry smiled and shoved Christian as hard as he could into the lane of oncoming traffic.


	75. Miz And The Vanishing Superstars

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 75: Miz and the Vanishing Superstars

Watching Christian's fall was like watching John Morrison's slow motion ring entry, Miz thought to himself. It moved slower than he expected it to, and by the time it was over, he was horrified. "Christian!" He rushed out to the street, which was thankfully not that busy. A single car swerved to avoid the falling Superstar, who was now sprawled in the lane.

"What just happened?" Christian asked. "Did the Holy Pepsi smite me?"

"Yes!" Punk yelled.

Miz and JJ helped Christian up. "No," Miz said, glaring at both Mark and Punk. "Mark pushed you into traffic."

"Well, that wasn't very nice," Christian muttered.

"The holy Pepsi moved Mark to smite you," Punk informed Christian.

"All the more reason for me to drink Coke," Christian said.

Punk balled up his fists and yelled, "I'll push you back into traffic myself, you ungrateful infidel!"

"No you won't," Miz said. He turned to look for the voice of reason (Jeff, in this case) and noticed that the Hardy brothers were gone. "Hey, where are Matt and Jeff?"

"I'll have you know—What?" Punk paused, frowning at Miz. "Why are you interrupting me?"

"Matt and Jeff. Where are they?"

JJ answered. "They went to see what that person by the car wanted." He inclined his head in the direction they'd gone.

Miz felt a chill. "They aren't there now."

Punk looked panicked. "Oh my dad! We're being picked off like flies! Holy Pepsi, save me! I don't want to die again! It's painful and undignified and this is a clean shirt! I just put it on this morning! Honest!"

Miz rolled his eyes. "They're fine, I'm sure. Maybe they went somewhere with whoever was waving at us?"

"Why would they do that?" Christian said.

"Why would they walk off?" Miz answered. "To get away from that awful argument, of course."

"This whole thing is crazy," said JJ reasonably. "Drew and Spongebob can take care of themselves, just like Beth can. In fact, so can the rest of you. Why is everyone so upset over what happened tonight?"

"Because Orton's gone?" Punk said. "And now Jeff and Matt are missing, too. Shouldn't you be more worried?"

"Why?" JJ asked. "What good will it do me to worry about them?"

"You might seem less cold," Punk said.

"Cold?" JJ said, chuckling. "Undertaker and I just saved Rey from being killed, thanks to Shawn, and you're worried about me being cold?"

"I think he means the emotional kind, not the temperature kind," said Christian helpfully.

"I'm aware of that, Rey, thanks," said JJ. "But what Hornswoggle fails to realize is that I am getting sick and tired of dealing with this. I'm sick of hearing religious discussions that involve Yoohoo. I'm tired of hearing about how he thinks he's Buddha."

"First of all," Punk said, "I'm Jesus, not Buddha. And secondly…"

"Punk?" Miz said, shaking his friend's shoulder. "JJ does the name thing. Remember?"

"I… what? Oh. Right. The name thing." Punk made a face at JJ. "It doesn't matter, anyway. I know the truth."

"Are we going to look for Matt and Jeff?" Miz asked.

"Jeff's been looking for an excuse to leave," Punk said. "He was all set to walk away this morning, before lunch. He and Matt are probably on their way home by now. I say we keep walking. But maybe someone ought to keep an eye out for danger."

"I'm helpful!" Mark said, which caused Miz to flinch and make sure the big man was nowhere near him.

"That's all very good," Punk said to Mark, "but maybe you could stop shoving people?"

Mark looked sheepish. "But I want to help people."

"By pushing them into bushes and traffic?" Miz asked. Mark turned to look at Miz, and Miz quickly ducked behind JJ and Christian.

"Christian wanted to cross the street," Mark said, with a smile. "He just didn't know it yet."

"I see," Miz muttered. "And why did you push me into that shrub?"

"You like flowers." Mark beamed and nodded.

Miz furrowed his brow. "What?"

"The prettiest flowers grow in those shrubs. Both you and Christian have mentioned liking flowers."

"I don't remember that," Miz said.

"Me either," Christian said. "And anyway, there are no flowers there now. What were we supposed to do, hang out in the bushes until they bloomed?"

"Yes," Mark said.

"I've got news for you," Christian said. "Those bushes are thorny and painful and I DO NOT LIKE BEING PUSHED INTO TRAFFIC!" He took a deep breath as JJ patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Well, I feel better."

"You yelled at me," Mark said, sniffling.

"I'm sorry," Christian said, "but you did try to kill me."

"You wanted to cross the street."

"No," Christian said. "I didn't."

"But you were having an argument, and you were thinking about getting away from Punk and his holy Pepsi…"

Christian frowned. "Wait. I was thinking about it? How would you know that? Are you a mind reader now?"

"Well," Mark said, sniffling. "You were probably thinking about it. So I helped you."

"Mark," Miz said, "no more helping, okay?"

"I'm not helpful?" Mark said, in a small voice.

"Please don't be helpful," Miz agreed. "We'd all like to stay alive tonight."

"Then what should I be?"

"What should he be?" Miz asked Punk, a frown on his face.

Punk, however, was smiling. "That's easy," he said. "Be a shining beacon of light that reflects back my glory and tells the world about holy Pepsi. Be a prophet, a healer, a man of the cloth. Or be a GPS. One of those."


	76. Miz Gets A Surprise

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 76: Miz Gets a Surprise

"We need to find Jeff and Matt," Miz said.

"No, we need to find the hotel. Mark, are you a GPS yet?" Punk asked.

"Left!" Mark chirped, smiling. "Left, left, left! I'm a GPS!"

"Fantastic!" Punk said. "Come on."

Miz sighed. "We're going to end up going in circles if we follow that."

"It's okay, Undertaker," JJ said. "I can see the hotel from here. Look." He pointed past where Christian had fallen into the street. Miz squinted and was pleased to see that he was right. Just at the far edge of his vision was their hotel.

"Awesome," Miz said. "Hey, GPS, we're going this way, all right?"

"Left!" Mark yelled.

"You heard him," Punk said. "We need to go left."

"Suit yourself," Miz said. "But Christian, JJ and I are heading this way." And with that, Miz crossed the street, followed by JJ and Christian.

"I told you you wanted to cross the street!" Mark called after them. "Left!"

"I guess he did," Christian said. "But I'd still have liked some say in the matter."

When they walked away, Punk and Mark were headed the opposite direction. "Good riddance," JJ muttered.

Miz sighed. "It's been a crazy day, hasn't it?"

"Got that right," JJ said. "But what are we going to do about Beth, Spongebob and Drew?"

"I don't know," Miz said. "I have no idea where Jeff and Matt went. Randy may be beyond us now."

"We can't just let HHH have him," Christian said. "We have to do something."

"Maybe we can catch them at the next venue," Miz said. "Unless you think they'll send Orton back to the hospital?"

"A smart person would," JJ said. "But we still have to find Kofi and I'm sure he'll be at the next venue."

Miz nodded. "So all we have to do is find out where the next show will be, show up there, and steal Randy back. Oh, and hope that your Kofi is there."

"Doesn't sound like much," JJ said with a smirk.

"Not impossible or anything," Christian agreed. "Maybe we can use the internet at the hotel, and find out where the show's going to be."

"Sounds like a plan," Miz agreed.

They walked the last two blocks in silence. When they reached their hotel, Christian said, "I'm beat. There's no way I can help you guys with the internet, anyway. I'm going to go to bed."

"I'll walk Rey to the room," JJ said. "Undertaker, you go ahead and see if you can't use the internet."

"Sounds good to me," Miz said. He waved to his friends, then headed for the front office.

"About time you got here," said a voice. Miz turned to see Jeff, leaning against the wall. "Where have you guys been?"

"Jeff?" Miz said. "How did you get here?"

"We caught a ride with some band," Jeff said.

"Band…?" Miz asked, perplexed.

"They said they were friends of Christian's? Anyway, they brought us over. You'll never believe who was with them."

"Who?" Miz asked.

"Orton."

"What the hell?" Miz muttered. "You met some band and Orton?"

"That's why they were waving at us. Turns out Orton stumbled out of the venue shortly after we did and we'd already taken off. Luckily, Christian's friends were there to give him a ride." Jeff paused. "And Matt's Matthew again. I swear, that Orton is really starting to annoy the hell out of me."

"Imagine how I feel. I'm stuck rooming with the guy." Miz paused. "So where are they all?"

"Outside. Come on."

Miz shrugged and followed Jeff around the corner. Sure enough, the tour bus for Jyipze4! was there. "Miz!" Randy said, waving. "I got to bite HHH a lot!"

"I saw," Miz said. "But how did you get away from him?"

"I didn't," Randy said, frowning. "He got away from me. Managed to get a stagehand to pry me off, and then he ran away. I'm sure he's busy dying at this very moment." He licked his lips and smiled.

"Uh, yeah," Miz said. "He looked pretty sick when we saw him."

"See? I told you I was poisonous!" Randy grinned.

"Right, you did," Miz said.

HB came out of the tour bus. "Hey, Miz. Where's Christian?"

"He and JJ went to their room." Miz said. "So you guys were at the venue tonight?"

"Yeah," HB said.

"I didn't see the tour bus."

"Oh, we rented a car. It's right there." HB indicated a sedan near the bus. "Didn't you see us waving at you on the street?"

"I wasn't paying much attention," Miz admitted. "I was too busy dealing with Mark and Punk."

"Where are Mark and Punk, anyway?" Jeff asked.

"They decided to walk around the block a few times," Miz said. "I'm sure they'll be along as soon as one of them realizes where they are."

"Knowing those two?" Jeff said. "Doubtful. Maybe someone should go pick them up?"

"Probably," Miz agreed. "But I have to go and see if I can find out where the next venue is."

Annabelle chose that moment to pop out of the bus. "It's in Seattle," she said. "I looked it up as soon as Jeff told me you didn't find who you were looking for tonight."

Miz nodded. "Is that going to be Raw or Smackdown?"

"Both. It's a Supershow."

"Well," Miz said, "I guess that means that Kofi will be there."

Jeff nodded. "I guess it does."


	77. Miz Has A Meeting

A/N: This chapter's been done for a while, but thanks to my computer eating half the file (which I recovered tonight) and nomming on its cord (got a new one- yay!), I've been out of commission for a few weeks. Silly laptop.

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 77: Miz Has a Meeting

The group gathered in Miz's room. Christian stopped in for a few minutes, then went back to his room to get some rest. The others had a big map spread out on the table and were looking at the route they'd have to take to get to Seattle. "That's going to take forever," said Miz, in despair. "It seemed to take an eternity to drive from Connecticut to Florida, and this is twice as far. Plus I'm not sure that I can keep everyone from killing one another this time."

"Maybe driving isn't the answer," Jack said.

"What do you mean?" Miz asked.

"Why don't you fly?"

Miz stared at Orton across the room before turning back to Jack. "Do you think putting the Viper on an airplane with other people is a smart bet?"

"Maybe not," said the spiky haired musician, "but think of how much quicker you guys would be there. You'd have days to stake the place out and get ready to deal with the others."

"Days?" Miz said. "Somehow, I think killing time with them would be even worse than driving the distance."

Annabelle cleared her throat. "Well," she said, "what if you drove partway, and then flew?"

HB smiled. "Of course! That would work."

Miz shook his head. "Why would I do that?"

"Because we have a chartered plane taking off in a couple of days from Dallas," HB said. "We're playing a gig there, and then our manager has us flying up to Portland. The drive to Seattle's only a couple of hours from there. You'd make it in plenty of time."

"That's very generous of you," Miz said, "but I doubt you really want to do that."

"Why not?" HB said. "We have to go that way, anyway, and the plane's all chartered. There's plenty of room."

"He's right," Annabelle said. "If you guys come, at least we'll be entertained. Otherwise, it'll be all watching Jack and Teh D poke Ginger with sticks at thirty thousand feet, and no one wants that."

"I'll never know how they always seem to manage to get those sticks past security," HB mused.

"Talent," Jack said, as he waved to Teh D as she entered the room. "We're very good at our jobs as Ginger tormentors. We take it quite seriously."

"That reminds me," Teh D said, thoughtfully. "It's about that time, isn't it?"

"I suspect it is," Jack answered, grinning.

"Uh oh," Annabelle muttered. "Hey, Teh D, Miz was just telling me that Punk's lost in the city."

Whatever mischief the girl and her partner in crime had been cooking up, it came to an immediate standstill. "Punk's missing?" Teh D asked. "You don't think he's hurt, do you?"

"I doubt it," Miz said. "Last I saw, he and Mark were walking in circles, a few blocks back."

"We have to go get him!" Teh D said. "It's not safe out there!"

"Well, he is the reincarnation of Jesus," Miz said. "I'm pretty sure he's fine. Just a little lost."

"HB, can Jack and I borrow the car?" Teh D asked.

"Are you kidding?" HB said. "Last time I let you borrow my car, you two drove it off a cliff. No way."

"I told you!" Teh D said, "There was a squirrel!"

"Yeah, and she was behind the wheel," HB muttered. "Come on, I'll take you and Jack to find Punk and Mark." He paused. "You coming, Miz?"

Miz shrugged. "Why not? Someone's got to wrangle Mark."

"You are not leaving me here with Matthew and Orton," Jeff said. "They're likely to kill someone!"

"Hmm," Miz said. "Randy, do you want to go find Punk with us?"

"No," Randy said. "I want to bite people. Do you want to bite people, Matthew?"

Matthew smirked. "I'd rather torture them to death slowly."

Randy frowned. "Well, can't we do that and bite them, too? My venom kills slowly!"

Jeff massaged his temples. "Please," he said, "take one of them. I don't care which one."

Miz shrugged. "Hey, Matthew, do you want some gum?"

"Gum!" Matt shrieked, making the group wince. "You have gum, Miz?"

"Yes. But only if you come with me to find Punk."

"Punk's lost?" Matt asked, tears welling in his eyes. "Nooo!"

Miz turned to Jeff. "Problem solved." Randy opened his mouth, "And if you say Dr- err, that name, Orton, no more biting this trip."

"Aww!" Randy said, pouting. "You're no fun!"

"Hey, Randy," Jeff said. "I heard that HHH took the antidote and will be fine. You want to bite him again, right?"

"He did what?" Randy said, turning to Jeff. "But there's no cure for my bites!"

"And yet, he's fine," Jeff said seriously.

"I must plan my attack," Randy said. "HHH is going to die by my venom."

"Good thinking," Miz told Jeff. "I'll take Matt with me."

"I'm Jeff!" Matt said.

"Er, yes. Of course you are," Miz said. "And Nero can stay and help Orton plan HHH's destruction."

Matt frowned. "So I get gum, right?"

"Of course. But after we find Punk and Mark and bring them back here."

"Yay, gum!" Matt lunged at Miz and hugged him, nearly toppling him over. "You're my bestest friend besides Randy and Betsy." He paused. "Where is Betsy?"

"I put him in our room," Jeff said. "He's fine."

"But he wants to go with me!"

"I think he's taking a nap," Jeff told his brother. "But he'll be ready to hang out with you again when you get back, okay?"

"Okay," Matt said. "Can I have some gum now?"

"No," Jeff said. "You heard Miz. After you guys get back."

"What about a cookie? Can I have a cookie?"

Miz sighed. Teh D dug through her pocket and pulled out a crumpled package of fruit snacks. "How about these?"

"Yay!" Matt said, snatching the treat from her hand.

"What do you say, Jeff?" Miz asked sternly.

Matt paused, frowning. "Thank you?"

"Very good. Here, let me open those."

"Yay!" Matt said. Miz opened the fruit snacks and handed them over.

"They're probably going to make him hyper," Miz warned the others.

"We'll take our chances," HB said.


	78. Miz Makes An Enemy

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 78: Miz Makes an Enemy

"And Betsy swiiiims!" Matt sang, for what felt like the millionth time to Miz. "And he drinks waaater!"

HB winced. "When you said 'hyper,' I had no idea that actually meant torturous."

"Sorry," Miz said. "I could try to get him to be Matthew again, if you want?"

"No, that's okay. Look, there they are." He indicated Punk and Mark, who were indeed still circling the block.

"Left!" Miz could hear Mark shouting, as they once again made a left turn.

HB pulled over, and Teh D jumped out, racing after Mark and Punk. "You'd better go rescue Punk," HB said, amused. "Or she'll squeeze him to death."

Miz nodded and got out. Down the block, he could see Teh D, who did indeed have her arms wrapped around the straightedge superstar. Punk looked mildly panicked. "Do I know you?" he asked.

"I'm the emergency Pepsi girl," she said.

"Oh. Well, then I'm glad you're here."

Punk," Miz called.

Punk looked up. "Miz! Are you lost, too?"

"No, we've been at the hotel," Miz said. "Christian's friends picked up Jeff, Matt and Randy."

"Randy's alive?" Punk asked.

"Sure is."

Punk stared up at the sky. "So you lied to me, Dad?"

"Left!" Mark yelled.

Miz shifted from foot to foot, uncomfortably. "Um, hey, why don't we go back to the hotel now? HB brought the van…"

Punk brought his gaze down from the sky and focused on Miz, his shoulders slumping. "Okay. But do you think you can get this girl off me?"

Miz tapped Teh D's shoulder. "Hey, can you let Punk go?"

"Never!" she said.

"Huh. Sorry, Punk. Maybe you should try?"

Punk sighed. "Hey, girl?"

"Her name's Teh D," Miz reminded him.

"Right, right. Teh D? Can you let go now? I can't walk with you clinging on like that."

"Oh. Sorry." Teh D gave Punk a sheepish smile, then let go. "It's just that I was so worried about you! I thought maybe you'd been eaten by bears or something!"

"We're in the city," Punk pointed out. "There aren't any bears here."

"You never know," Teh D said cryptically.

"I'll go get Mark," Miz said, as Mark turned the corner, still yelling "Left!"

"Don't let him give you any directions. He's a terrible GPS," Punk said.

"I'll keep that in mind," Miz said. He sprinted off after Mark. "Mark! Wait for me!"

Mark paused just around the corner, meaning that Miz ran headlong into him with an "oof" and hit the ground. "Hi, Miz! I'm a GPS! Left!"

"Yeah, uh," Miz said. "The thing is, you've been going around in circles. And I'm pretty sure that last turn was a right."

"Really?" Mark asked with a frown. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure," Miz repeated.

"Oh. Being a GPS is harder than it looks." Mark frowned. "So no more lefts?"

"Maybe later," Miz said.

Mark nodded. "Now what?"

"Well, we found the hotel…"

"I'm a maid!" Mark said suddenly, his face lighting up. "But I don't know where the hotel is. We need a GPS…"

"I know where it is," Miz said hastily. "Just follow me."

"I'm not that type of girl!" Mark said, hiding a giggle behind one massive hand.

"You're… what?" Miz asked, his brow wrinkling in confusion.

"I'm not going to follow you to some hotel!"

Miz blinked. "Okay. Um. Well, I'm going because all of the others are there."

"Why didn't you say so?" Mark said. "I swear, trying to get me to go to a hotel with you. The nerve!"

Miz continued to look confused. "Uh, right. Sorry. The van's this way."

"So now you're going to kidnap me?" Mark demanded.

"Honestly, miss," Miz said, "I don't think I have the strength to do so."

"What are you implying?" Mark asked, his eyes narrowing. Miz gave him a sickly smile, then turned and bolted toward the van. "Get back here!" the World's Strongest Man shrieked before giving chase. "How dare you!"

Miz, panting, launched himself through the open door of the van. "Go!"

"Shouldn't we wait for…" HB began.

"No!" Miz yelled. "Just go!"

Mark slammed a meaty hand into the side of the van, rocking the vehicle. "I'm going to slap you, sir!"

"What are you waiting for?" Miz demanded. "Get moving!"

With a bemused look, HB put the van into drive. "He's chasing us."

"Good," Miz said, trying to catch his breath. "Drive slow enough so he can find his way to the hotel, but for pity's sake, don't let him catch us!"

"What did you say to make him go nuts, anyway?" Punk asked.

Miz shot his friend a look. "I have no idea. You know how he is. One minute, he's a GPS and the next, he's a maid, looking for a hotel."

"Uh huh." Punk paused. "Wait. A maid? Looking for a hotel?"

"Yes."

"And you offered to take him to one?"

"Well, of course. I mean, it is where we're going."

Punk groaned. "He's going to be mad for hours."

Matt took a toy car from his pocket and tried to drive it over Punk's head. "Whee!" he said in a high pitched voice.

"What the heck are you doing?" Punk asked, trying to turn his head, the little car stuck in his hair.

"Give me back my car!" Matt said, snatching at the toy.

"Ow! Hey!" Punk said. "That's tangled in my hair! Don't pull!"

"Miz, Punk stole my car!" Matt wailed.

"You drove it on my head!" Punk protested.

Matt sniffled. "B-but you stole it!"

"Oh Dad," Punk muttered. "Hey, Matty, don't…"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt shrieked before bursting into tears.

Punk winced. "You'd think I'd know that by now," he muttered.


	79. Miz And The Fight

A/N: Sorry for the long delay. The holidays were crazy around here and on top of everything else, my computer caught some virii. It's fixed now, although updating will likely still be spotty for awhile (stupid real life :P). Happy New Year, everyone!

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 79: Miz and the Fight

Several things happened when the van got back to the hotel. Miz bolted out of the van and hid around the side of the building, watching at a safe distance for Mark Henry. Punk fell out, with Matt tumbling on top of him like an overgrown puppy, still wailing about his car and pulling Punk's hair. Teh D followed the m out, pouncing on the pair and trying to separate them. When she did get them apart, even for a moment, she clung to Punk. Jack sat down beside the brawl and offered helpful advice to Teh D about the fight. HB was just getting out of the van when Mark lumbered into view, let out a howl of outraged fury, and launched himself at the van. The vehicle rocked on its' wheels, tipping ever so slightly and causing the brawlers to pause, Punk with the car still attached to his head, to stare in disbelief at the tilting vehicle.

"I'm a bull!" Mark screeched, again hitting the van. "And you stole my cookies!"

"I think I have some fruit snacks?" Teh D said, staring up at the rocking van.

"You do?" Mark asked, but his words were drowned out by Matt.

"Fruit snacks! Those are MINE!"

"Rahr!" said Mark, hitting the van again.

"Do something, Miz!" HB said, as he retreated to safety.

Miz bit his lip. "Drew! Drew! Drew!" he screamed.

Matt immediately let go of the car and turned to stare at Miz. "What are you doing?" HB growled.

"Trying to give us a chance."

Matt tilted his head, then turned to watch Mark, who was still roaring something fierce. "Rawr?"

"Oh thank Dad," Punk said, as he crawled to where Miz and HB were, dragging Teh D along behind him because she still had a death grip on one of his legs. "We got Godzilla." He turned to Jack, his eyebrows raised. "Little help here, friend?"

"Sure," Jack said. "Teh D, I think Punk's safe now."

"You can never be too sure," came the muffled words as Teh D had pulled her hoodie down over her face for protection from the van's imminent collaspe.

"I'm pretty sure," Punk said. "It's okay to let go now."

Miz turned away from the argument about whether or not Punk was safe to the fight brewing between Mark and Matt. The former was pawing the ground with his foot and snorting. It wasn't a pretty sight. The latter was walking as though he were carrying a beach ball, fully inflated, and growling like an angry dog. "Are you sure they'll be okay?" HB asked.

"Positive," Miz said. "Too bad we don't have any popcorn. This fight looks like it could be epic."

"That's terrible! What if they hurt each other?"

"They won't," Miz said., "I saw them fight once or twice while we were at the hospital. So long as Matt's not Matthew, he dislikes pain and violence. In fact, you can make him behave with a sharp word or two. Watch." He stood up and yelled, "Godzilla!" causing Matt to flinch and turn to stare at him reproachfully. "You shouldn't be bullying that poor bull! What did he ever do to you? His kind keep you fed! In fact, if anyone has a case here, it's got to be the Bull."

"I don't know," Punk said, standing and dusting himself off. "In those movies, I pretty much always root for Godzilla. Unless he's against Mothra, that is. Then nobody wins."

"Hmm, maybe we can get someone to safely pretend to be Mothra?" said HB.

"He'd probably kill them," Miz said, tilting his chin at the headlock Matt was now putting on Mark. "He's holding his own, which isn't that surprising, considering his opponent thinks he's a side of beef."

"Moo! Moo! I'll kill you, Godzilla!" Mark yelled enthusiastically.

"Rawr!" Matt roared back, clearly enjoying himself.

Jeff picked that moment to come out and join them. "Uh, what's going on with Mark and my brother?"

"They're just blowing off some steam," said Miz. "It's kind of like animal fight club. Except if it were, we wouldn't be able to talk about it."

"Doesn't that rule only apply to the animals in animal fight club?" HB asked.

"Good point," Miz said. "So we can talk about it all we want."

"Besides," Punk said, "it's really less of an animal fight club, which would be morally wrong, and more of a people who think they're animals fight club, which is okay. I mean, letting the real Godzilla fight a real cow wouldn't be cool."

"Om nom nom!" Matt yelled.

"What?" Miz said. "Godzilla doesn't say 'om nom nom'."

Matt paused, mid struggle and frowned at Miz. "Vroom?"

"No, that's not right, either."

"Erm. Roor?"

"Much better," Punk said, and Miz nodded.

"If you're going to be Godzilla, the least you can do is stay in character." Miz sighed. "And we still have no popcorn. This is better than the last Godzilla movie I saw."

"Which one was that?" Jeff asked.

"Godzilla meets Elvis?" Miz said.

"I'm pretty sure that's not a real movie," Punk said.

"Hmm. Maybe it was Godzilla Takes Manhattan?"

"I'm think that was a Jason movie," Punk said. "Or maybe a Muppet movie."

"Godzilla and the Chamber of Secrets?" Punk shook his head. "Snow White and the seven Godzillas?"

"Nope, not a Godzilla movie," HB said.

"Well, it doesn't matter what movie it was," Miz said. "Whatever it was, this is way better." He paused, frowning. "How about Ghostzilla?"

"Now you're just being weird," Jack said, looking up from where he and Teh D had been holding a conference.

Miz sighed. "I'm pretty sure it was Godzilla takes Manhattan."

"For the sake of what's left of my sanity," said Jeff, "let's just say it was and move on, shall we?"

"Sure," Miz said. "It was a terrible movie, anyway."


	80. Miz Loses Control

A/N: Don't kill me!

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 80: Miz Loses Control

Miz and the others watched the fight between Godzilla and the bull until both participants were tired enough to stop. Matt and Mark ended the fight lying side by side on the ground, staring up at the sky and trying to catch their breath. "I thought that was going to go on forever," HB said.

"It was epic," Miz said. "Way better than the fights they used to have at the hospital." He called out to the two of them, "If the bull and the lizard are done fighting now, maybe we can have a group meeting?"

Matt gave a disgruntled, "Grrr," from his spot on the ground while Mark said lazily, "I'm a fluffy cloud. Watch me float away."

"That would be a sight to see," Punk muttered. "Maybe I'll ask Dad for it for my birthday. That's Christmas, you know."

Teh D looked over from where she and Jack were plotting against Ginger. "I thought your birthday was October 26?"

"Well, yes. In a manner of speaking. That's when my earthly shell was born. But my real birthday is Christmas because it is."

"Oh," Teh D said. "I'll make a note of it." She pulled a little notebook marked "C.M. Punk #6" from her pocket and, sure enough, made a note in it. "Okay. We're good."

Punk nodded, as though it didn't disturb him. Miz ignored them and went to peer down at Matt and Mark. "It's time to get up."

"I am up," said Mark seriously. "Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky."

"I think that's a star," Jack said.

Mark shrugged. "I'm a cloud that blankets the stars when they're cold, so they'll make an exception for me."

"Whatever that means," Jack muttered to Teh D.

"Rrrrr," Matt said, glaring at the sky.

"Hey, Ma- er, Jeff? Godzilla?" Miz said, crouching down so he'd be closer to Matt's level. "Do you think you could change back now? We need to talk about this trip."

The rumbling growl from Matt became louder and Miz noticed that the other superstar was shooting him a slantways glance, much like an angry cat would shortly before attacking. "Miz, maybe you'd better..." Jeff began, but it was too late. Matt lashed out, catching Miz off-guard and sending him tumbling.

"Ow!" Miz said, holding the side of his head and wincing. "What was that for? I thought you guys were worn out from fighting!"

"Nope," said Mark, in a happily lazy voice. "When I realized I had no reason to fight because I was a cloud, Godzilla graciously let me float away." He smiled. "And I lived happily ever after in the sky forever. Amen."

"Amen," Punk said, although he sounded a little unsure about using the word.

Miz tried to climb to his feet, but as he did so, a bag fell from his pocket. Matt's eyes zeroed in on the bag and the latter stalked slowly toward the crumply brown paper, a low growl in his throat. "Hey," Miz said, reaching for the bag.

"Grawr!" Matt said, lunging to bite Miz's hand.

"What is he doing?" Miz asked Punk.

"I don't know, but maybe you'd better let the bag alone," the straightedge superstar advised.

"But Mizbert's in there," Miz protested, just as Matt let out a huge roar and pounced the bag. "Mizbert!" Miz shrieked, watching in horror as Matt stomped the bag completely flat, his eyes glinting with anger on Miz.

"Let him go," Punk said. "He's gone now."

Miz turned away, tears in his eyes. "Mizbert was a girl," he sniffled. "And she loved me. She was talking about getting married someday..."

"Dude," said Mark, sitting up suddenly. "It's a marshmallow. Chill out."

Miz turned to stare at Mark in disbelief. "What do you know? You're a cloud!"

"No, I'm a surfing grief counselor," Mark said, nodding. "So I like totally know a lot."

Punk watched as Miz glared at Mark, Matt glared at Miz, and Mark stared serenely at them all. Then he took his friend by the arm. "Come on," he said. "Maybe Christian has another Mizbert."

"It won't be the same," said Miz, sniffling. "It's not like Mizbert was a fish or something."

Matt's glare zeroed on Miz's back as he slowly peeled the bag open and pulled out the very squished Peeps. With another growl, he bit the head off of one of them. "That's just wrong," Mark said, shaking his head at Matt. "You, my friend, need anger management counseling. Luckily for you, I do that, too. So when did you start having these problems with marshmallows?"

HB said, "And they're all coming on the plane with us."

"Don't worry," Jeff reassured him, "they're not this crazy all the time. Just when you don't want them to be."

"Like trapped in the air at thirty thousand feet?" said HB, smirking.

"Sounds like fun to me," Teh D said. "Besides, it's that or Ginger may have to learn how to fly. And this time, we're hiding the parachutes."

"This time?" Jeff asked, raising his brows at Teh D.

HB shuddered. "Don't ask," he said. "I'm pretty sure you don't want to know. I was there, and I didn't want to know."

Jeff let his gaze fall on Miz and Punk, who were retreating back into the hotel. "Fair enough," he said.


	81. Miz In Mourning

A/N: It's been almost two months since I posted anything on FF, and there's a good reason for that. It's not just that my muse has abandoned me; it's also that I've been dealing with the move from Hell. This story is getting close to done, but I haven't had any time (or inclination) at all to work on it. But don't worry- every unfinished story that's up will be finished eventually. I'm still trying to work it all out. In the meantime, I appreciate the readers out there. You're the reason I haven't given up completely on my dreams of writing. So thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me that people like this story. Here's hoping I get it finished soon—but not too soon. ;)

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 81: Miz in Mourning

Miz was inconsolable. The next morning, he loaded his stuff into the truck and settled into the front passenger seat without a word. As the miles flew by, he started out his window, ignoring the chaos that came from shoving so many people into so small an area. Pixie frequently climbed into his lap and would bite or claw him until he petted her. They would stop and eat, Miz pointing mutely to the first thing on the menu and eating whatever was brought to him mechanically, whether he liked it or not. He'd ignore the shenanigans of the others during the meal. When they'd leave (or get kicked out), he would climb back into his seat and stare out the window until the next stop. Throughout it all, he didn't utter a word, although he did sniffle and have the occasional muffled sob.

"I'm really worried about Miz," Punk confided to HB on the second day of travel. They were stopped for lunch at a little park.

HB glanced at Miz, who was staring at a tree and mechanically eating French fries from McDonald's that Teh D had put on a napkin for him. As they watched, Miz picked up several blades of grass along with his fries and ingested them, his eyes never wavering from the tree. "I keep thinking he'll get over it," HB said. "But it's been two days. Maybe we should take him to the hospital or something?"

"He's depressed, is all," Jeff said, joining in their conversation. "Not much a hospital's going to do about it."

"It's bothersome," Punk said, brow furrowed. "I asked Dad to fix it, but He told me that Miz needs to grieve."

Miz didn't notice or care that the others were talking about him. He ignored Pixie when she stole the meat from his cheeseburger and hunched down next to him, enjoying her meal. "You're making this too easy," she told him, "and it's no fun when you won't even try to defend your food."

Not looking at her, Miz spoke for the first time in days. "Why does it matter? Everything tastes like lawn clippings, anyway."

"That's because you're eating grass," Pixie pointed out. Miz shrugged. "Mizbert wouldn't have wanted you to stop living."

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do what?" the cat asked. "Eat lawn clippings?"

"Any of it. The driving, the eating. The living."

"This is more serious than I thought." She padded away, leaving Miz alone.

Matt chased a butterfly past Miz. "Whee!"

Miz stopped chewing and lifted his gaze angrily toward Matt. When Matt ran past a second time, Miz extended his leg, sending the butterfly chaser sprawling.

Matt sniffled. "Why did you do that?"

"Murderer!" Miz shrieked. "Killer of innocent Mizmallows! May you roast over an open flame in Hell, getting all puffy and gooey until the devil eats you!"

Matt started to cry. "Well, that seemed a bit harsh," said Punk. "Jeff, I have gum."

"Gum?" Matt said, perking up and climbing to his feet.

"Yes, but you have to promise to leave Miz alone today, all right?" He glanced down at Pixie, who was clawing at his leg and meowing. "Sadly, I'm not sure even Holy Pepsi can work on this permanently, but you may be right."

"Gum?" Matt said hopefully.

"Stay away from Miz," Punk repeated. Matt nodded and Punk dropped a couple of pieces of gum into his waiting hands.

"Yay, gum!" Matt shrieked happily.

"Now about this Pepsi problem…" Punk said. He dug around in the cooler for a Pepsi. "Baptize him with it or put it in a cup over ice? I need a sign, Dad!"'

"I'm a waitress!" Mark announced.

"Good enough," said Punk. "A cup it is."

He poured the Pepsi into a bright red cup, added some ice, and handed it to Mark, who carried it over to Miz. "Here you go, sir," said Mark with a smile.

"I don't want it," Miz said.

"Well, I'm sorry but it's yours now." Mark held out the cup. "And it's rude not to take it."

Miz sighed. "Fine." He took the cup. "Happy now?"

"No sir," said Mark. "I believe you're forgetting something."

"Go away."

"I will," said Mark, "as soon as I get my tip."

"You brought me a drink I didn't want and now you want a tip?"

"It is customary. We waitresses live off our tips, you know. If you don't tip me, how am I supposed to support my three little babies and my plushie addiction?"

Miz finally looked up at the man. "You want a tip? Fine. Don't fall in love. Now go away!"

Mark sighed. "Why do I always get the comedians in my section? Listen, buster, I work very hard…" Miz dug a crumpled dollar out of his pocket and threw it at Mark. "Oh. Thank you for your generosity, sir. Have a nice day!"

"Whatever," Miz muttered, taking a sip of the Pepsi. "Just as long as everyone leaves me alone."

Mark came back to Punk. "He's a lousy tipper, that one. A dollar? Really?"

"It's pure profit for you, though," said Punk, his eyes shifting from Miz to Mark. "I mean, I'm not going to get any money from that Pepsi. But I do consider it a service that the world needs, so…."

It was then that Miz leapt up from where he'd been sitting as though stung. "Miz?" Jeff said.

Miz turned to Jeff. "What I'd like to know is, why is everyone so gloomy? Did someone die or something?"

"Um," Punk said, glancing at Jeff. Jeff shrugged. "At the risk of reminding you, yes. Mizbert?"

"Who?" said Miz blankly.

"A Mizmallow. Your fiancée?"

"I'm sorry," Miz said. "I have no idea who that is. Come to that, who are you, exactly?"


	82. Miz's Memory Problem

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 82: Miz's Memory Problem

Punk stared for a long moment at his friend. "I'm Punk."

"It's very nice to meet you. Well, thanks for… whatever you may have given me. I suppose I should hit the road."

"You… what?" Punk said.

"I'm leaving," said Miz. "See you around, maybe, but I kind of hope not." He turned toward the path and started to walk away.

"Are you joking?" Punk said, chasing after Miz. "You can't leave!"

"Look, I'm sure you're all lovely people, but I'm not in the mood to join a cult, all right? I mean, sure, there's Kool-aid, but it's almost always poisoned."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Miz paused and indicated the group on the hill, all of whom were staring at him. "You and your friends. I'm sure you're a very nice cult and everything…"

"We're not a cult. We're professional wrestlers."

"Well, okay. Same thing." Miz offered a strained smile. "And now if you'll excuse me, I've got some hitchhiking to do. I'd like to make it to Finland by tomorrow evening."

"Somehow, I don't see that happening," Punk muttered.

"Why not?" said Miz, tilting his head.

"Well, for one thing, we're in Louisiana. I'm pretty sure you can't hitchhike to Finland from here."

"Why not?"

"Um, because there's an ocean between here and there?"

"It's just water. How bad could it be?"

Punk stared at Miz. "Even if you hitchhiked to the ocean and then managed to catch a ride on a boat with someone, what makes you think they'll take you all the way to Finland?"

"Because I'll ask them to. I'll be very nice about it and say, 'Excuse me sir or madam, could you possibly take me to Finland? I'd like to be there by tomorrow evening, please.' And then they'll say yes, and away we'll go. See? Not complicated at all."

"What is wrong with Undertaker?" JJ asked.

"I don't know," Christian said, "but it sounds like Punk could use some help." He took a step, not realizing how steep the hill was.

"Uh, Rey…" JJ began, but it was too late. Christian's feet slid out from under him and he went tumbling down the hill, emitting a terrified shriek

Mark also began shrieking, which pushed Matt into Godzilla mode. He let out a roar. Punk winced at the noise level, his glance flickering back to the hill before he turned to Miz again. "Your cult seems to be exploding," the latter observed. "Maybe you ought to go help them."

"I'd love to," Punk said, "but they probably need more help than I can give right now. They need a medical professional or something."

Miz beamed. "You're in luck! I happen to be a field trained medic! Now, where's the patient?"

"Um," Punk said, giving Miz a look of disbelief. "Over by the bottom of the hill?"

"Oh, you mean the guy screaming in pain and holding his leg?"

"Er, yes. Him."

"Let's have a look, then." He led the way over to Christian, who was moaning in pain. "Where does it hurt?"

"My leg," Christian said with a whimper.

"Which one? I wouldn't want to amputate the wrong one, after all."

"Get him away from me!" Christian said to Punk.

"Now there's no reason to be rude," Miz said. "I'm only trying to help."

"No one's cutting off my leg!" Christian said.

"Of course not," Miz said, offended. "Do you think I was raised by bacon grease or something?"

"…what?" Punk asked, frowning at Miz. "Did you say something about being raised by bacon grease?"

"No, I said I wasn't raised by bacon grease. They're a little cult in the West. Spent some time with them a few years back. Nasty people. Quite self absorbed and lacking in morals. Bunch of Santa worshipers."

"You mean Satan worshippers?" Punk asked.

"Nope, I mean Santa. Big guy? Red suit? They don't really celebrate Christmas, but they're weirdly obsessed with Santa. He comes to all their prayer meetings."

"I… see," Punk said. "So about Christian's leg…"

"We should probably amputate it."

"You're not cutting my leg off!" Christian howled.

"Why does he keep saying that?" asked Miz. "I already told you, I wasn't raised by bacon grease."

"Because you keep saying we're going to amputate it," Punk said.

"Well, yes. We have to do that. Poor fellow. How does he expect it to get better if we don't?"

"How will it get better if we cut it off?"

Miz sighed. "I don't think you understand medical jargon. Amputate means to look at it. Examine is to cut it off."

"Um," Punk said. "I think you have those backwards."

"I'm pretty sure I don't," said Miz. "I mean, I'm the medical person here. I should know." He paused. "Although I do mix them up sometimes. Makes for interesting situations in the field." He shrugged. "Either way…"

"Either way, you're not cutting off my leg!" Christian said.

"Is he still hung up on that?" Miz asked. "You have my word as a medical guy and a gentleman that I'm not going to cut off your leg, okay? Well, unless he refuses to pay his bill, that is. I have to make money somehow, and a leg goes for quite a lot on the black market, doesn't it?"

Christian said, "I'm fine." He whimpered and managed to pull himself to his feet. "See? Just great. Turns out I don't need a doctor after all."

"I'm not a doctor," Miz said.

"That much is obvious," Punk muttered.

"Well, if you don't need me, I'll be off. I still have to make my boat to Denmark."

"Finland," Punk said.

"Pardon?"

"You said you needed to go to Finland, not Denmark."

"Oh," said Miz, looking annoyed. "Whatever. I'll end up in the right place eventually."

"Not if you don't know where it is," said Punk.

Christian picked that moment to fall over again, crying out in pain. Miz brightened. "I guess you need me after all. Nurse, could you prepare the operating room?"

"Are you talking to me?" Punk asked in disbelief.

"You are the nurse in this hospital, aren't you?"

"Oh, for Dad's sake," Punk growled. "Someone bring me a Pepsi. We're going to fix this, once and for all."


	83. Miz Wants To Go Out

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 83: Miz Wants To Go Out

"I don't want any more Pepsi!" Christian wailed. "Haven't I suffered enough?"

"The patient makes a good point," Miz said. "Maybe you should bring me a shotgun, and we'll end his misery once and for all."

"A what?" Christian shrieked, terrified. "Okay, Punk, I'm sorry! I love Pepsi! Just don't let that psycho shoot me!"

Punk crouched down next to Christian. "I knew you would come to your senses about the Pepsi eventually. I'm not going to let Miz shoot you. It's too messy and resurrections are a pain in the ass."

"Oh, thank God," Christian said.

"Thank Dad," Punk repeated. Then he stood and turned to Miz, who looked disappointed. "You're not shooting anyone."

"Well, it is hard to get a gun when one is hitchhiking to the Netherlands."

"Finland," Punk corrected.

"Bless you," Miz said. "Anyway, I'd best be on my way. I've got an ocean to catch. Do you think they rent surfboards at the beach here?"

"You mean in the Gulf of Mexico?" Punk asked.

"I'm not picky which ocean it is."

Punk sighed. "I really need a couple of Pepsis now."

Just then, Mark arrived, carrying a tray of drinks. "That will be nineteen ninety five!" he chirped. "Plus tax!"

"It's three cans of Pepsi," Punk protested. "And how much is tax, anyway?"

"Um," Mark said, scrunching his face up. "Three dollars."

"Well, if I have to pay tax, then you don't get a tip."

"Hmph! Fine. It's seventeen fifty for the drinks, no tax."

"Still too much," Punk muttered, but he dug out a twenty. "Keep the change."

"Don't do me any favors!" Mark snapped at him. "After all, I'm just a working girl with three kids and a deadbeat ex husband."

Miz appraised Mark. "Deadbeat ex husband? A pretty little thing like you? So what are you doing later, gorgeous?"

"Miz!" Punk said. "Stop that!"

"What? She's single!"

"I think you might regret it in the morning," was all Punk said. He took the first can of Pepsi and popped the top, frowning. "Here goes nothing." And then he dumped the Pepsi over Christian's leg. "How do you feel?"

"I'm cured!" Christian said. "Hooray!"

"Wonderful! Why don't you stand up…" Punk began.

"Oh, I'd really rather not," said Christian hastily. "The altitude, you know."

"We're in Louisiana. Most of the state is below sea level," Punk said.

"Well, the longitude, then!" Christian said.

Miz shifted his gaze between the two of them. "He's not cured at all, is he?"

"Oh, I'm definitely cured," Christian said, sweating. "Yup, very very cured."

"Like a ham," Punk muttered, earning him a glare from Christian. "Let me try another Pepsi."

"I'd like one of those as well, cutie," Miz said, winking at Mark, who giggled like a schoolgirl. "Any chance you could hand me one?"

"Oh, sure," Mark said.

"Wait a second!" Punk said. "Those are mine. I paid for them!"

"Much obliged, then," said Miz, taking the opened can from Mark. "This sure looks good, sweet stuff." He held the can up in a salute, then downed the contents. "Now, what time do you get off work, honey?"

"I'm going to be sick," Punk muttered.

"Me too," Christian said. "But at least you can get away. I'm stuck here, listening to this."

"So baby…" Miz said, then blinked.

"Yes?" Mark asked, batting his eyelashes.

"Uh," Miz said. "Um. What?"

"You were asking me out on a date, I believe," said Mark.

"I was doing what?" Miz asked, horrified. "There's no way in hell I would do that."

"Well, I never!" said Mark with a sniff.

"And you never will!" Miz retorted with a shudder.

"Miz?" Punk asked cautiously.

"What?" Miz turned to his friend. "What happened to Christian?"

"Oh, my Dad!" Punk said, and he hugged his friend. "You're back!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Miz said. "I thought I just made it clear, I only like you guys as friends!"

Christian gave Miz a hopeful look. "So you're not going to shoot me or amputate my leg?"

"What have you guys been smoking?" Miz asked.

"Us? You're the one that was acting weird." Christian paused. "You know what? I think I've got it figured out. It's the Pepsi. There's something wrong with it."

"How dare you!" Punk said. "You can't slander the holy drink! I'll smite you good!"

"Okay, fine," Christian said. "If there's nothing wrong with it, then go ahead and take a drink and tell me that there's nothing wrong with it."

"Mark took the last can with him," said Punk. "And I paid for it, too."

"Have mine," Miz said, holding the can out. "I don't want anymore, anyway."

Punk sighed. "I'm not going to drink after you."

"It's because you're afraid I'm right," Christian said.

"No, it's because Miz is an unclean heathen. No offense, Miz."

"Um, none taken?" Miz said.

"Well, if you won't drink it, maybe we can get Jeff or someone to drink it. I mean, he's brave," said Christian.

"He's stupid enough to take drugs, you mean," Punk said. "Fine, give me the can." He snatched it from Miz's outstretched hand. "I bless this can in the name of the holy Pepsi and me." He smirked at the two of them, then took a huge drink of the Pepsi.

"Well?" Miz asked, anxiously. "How do you feel?"

Punk mused on the words for a moment. "Awesome."

"Really?" Christian asked.

"Of course. I'm the Miz…" He paused and looked at Miz. "And you're an imposter!"

"Oh my God, it's the Pepsi!" Christian moaned. "That explains why he liked it so much! It's full of horrible, horrible drugs! It's a devil drink!"

"Don't talk about my Pepsi that way!" Punk said. "I was only kidding. I'm fine. I'm still Jesus."

"Well, we know one thing," Miz said. "The Pepsi does nothing for your sanity."


	84. Miz Learns A Lesson

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

A/N: I can see the end of Mizard from here. We're not quite there yet, but it's coming up soon. JJ's Kofi will be revealed, and I hope that it will be as satisfying for you out there as it has been for me, writing it. Mizard started as an in-joke between myself, Darkest-Hearts and PowerPeguin (who are behind the creation of Teh D and Jack/HB, respectively). It's become something much bigger than that. Thank you all for the support and love that you've shown this story. May it come back to you a thousandfold.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 84: Miz Learns a Lesson

Miz helped Punk carry Christian back up the hill. The rest of the group was waiting for them. "What happened?" HB asked Punk.

"I have no idea," Punk said. "One minute, Miz is miserable and the next, he's threatening to hitchhike to Finland. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen."

"The weirdest thing I've ever seen is a five legged frog," said Teh D. "Or did it have six? Jack, how many legs did that frog have?"

"The one you put in Ginger's trunk?" asked the spiky haired musician. Teh D nodded. "Six. It had its four original legs and the two plastic ones you taped on."

"I found it like that!" the petite rocker protested.

Annabelle rolled her eyes and turned back to Punk. "Christian looks like he may need to go to the hospital and have that leg set."

"No way am I dragging this group through the ER again," Miz said.

"No problem," said HB. "I know a guy who can come out and have a look at it. Just let me make a call."

Miz frowned. "He knows a guy who can set broken legs in a park?"

Annabelle chuckled. "Trust me, he knows a lot of people who can do a lot of things. You haven't even heard the half of it. You should hear his stories about who he'll call during the zombie apocalypse."

"You're joking, right?" asked Punk.

"Sadly, no. He knows a guy." The redhead flashed them a grin. "But enough about that. We should be in Dallas sometime tonight or early in the morning. Our gig's tomorrow night, and then we'll hit the plane and you guys can head up to Seattle when we land. Most of us will probably sleep, but someone has to take a watch on Teh D and Jack, to keep them from trying to throw Ginger off the plane again."

"So that wasn't a joke?" asked Christian.

"Hardly," said Annabelle. "I wish they'd stop picking on Ginger. It makes things tense."

"I can't imagine why," said Punk. "Just because they're apparently trying to kill her and all."

"She did bring some of it on herself," Annabelle said. "Though not near as much as Jack and Teh D give her."

HB rejoined them. "Good news. My friend Carver happened to be on his way to the hospital, and he said he could make a quick stop here."

"Carver?" asked Christian. "As in, carves people like turkeys?"

"No, of course not," said HB. "He's not a fan of turkeys. Anyway, it shouldn't take that long."

"To put a cast on in a park?" said Punk.

"Don't be silly. He's not going to put a cast on it. He's going to put a walking cast and splint on it, so that we can get to the show. Also, he'll probably drug you, Christian."

"Oh, of course," said Christian. "Sp long as he doesn't use any Pepsi, I should be fine."

"Hey!" Punk protested. "I'll have you know, Pepsi saves lives! It's a miracle drug, and it's not my fault if your stupid body refuses to be healed by it. In fact…" He paused, frowning. "Maybe it won't heal you because you're the Antichrist."

Christian blinked. "I am not the Antichrist!"

"Well, of course you'd say that," said Punk, "but really, how do we know that for sure? I don't like the idea of flying halfway across the country next to the Antichrist. It's unseemly."

Miz shook his head. "Don't you think if he was the Antichrist, we'd know?"

"Well, some people say that rock and roll is the devil's music, and he did call in Jypize4!," said Punk. He turned to Annabelle and HB. "No offense."

"None taken?" Annabelle said, frowning at him.

"They saved us from getting caught," Christian said. "That doesn't seem all that evil to me."

"Unless we were supposed to get caught! Ha ha!" Punk smirked.

"Um," said Miz, "if you're Jesus and he's the Antichrist, why were we supposed to get caught?"

"Well, because…" He paused. "Hm, you know, that's a good question. I think you just broke my brain, Miz."

"I'm pretty sure you can't blame Miz for that," said Christian. "It was definitely broken before he came to the hospital and rescued us."

"Not cool, Christian!" Punk said, glaring. "But you being the Antichrist does explain a lot, actually. Like why you hate Pepsi so much and why you're always so mean to me."

"I'm not mean to you," Christian said huffily. "You're the one who's constantly pouring Pepsi over me. Is it any wonder I hate it?"

"He's definitely the Antichrist," Punk announced to the others.

"I'm the Antichrist!" said Mark happily.

"No," said Punk, "that would be too easy. It's definitely Christian."

"That seems like an odd choice of a name for the Antichrist," said Annabelle.

"Well, he's perverse like that," said Punk.

"So wait," HB said. He frowned at the group. "If Christian's the Antichrist and you're Jesus, then I really DO know everyone, don't I?"

"I've been saying that for years," Annabelle said.

"Except I'm not the Antichrist," said Christian to one of the trees. "And he's not Jesus."

"I am so!" said Punk angrily. "And I'll prove it to you."

"Uh oh," Miz said. "That's never good."

Punk grabbed a spare can of Pepsi from the basket beside him and dumped the whole thing over Christian's head. "I bless you in the name of Dad!"

Christian shrieked. "It burns! It burns! Make it stop!"

"See?" Punk said smugly. "He's so the Antichrist."

"I'm not the Antichrist, you jerk! You got your stupid Pepsi in my eyes again! Someone hand me a towel." Miz wordlessly passed Christian a towel. "So help me, Punk, if my leg weren't broken, I'd beat the crap out of you."

"I'm sure that picnic basket you're threatening is terrified," Punk said, "but I'm not. I have Dad on my side."

With an angry growl, Christian launched himself at Miz and flailed angrily. "I will teach you a lesson!" he shrieked.

"Ow!" Miz protested. "If the lesson is not to sit next to you anymore, then I think I've got it."


	85. Miz Avoids A Plague

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 85: Miz Avoids A Plague

An hour outside of Dallas, HB's phone rang. Miz and the others had been trying to keep Teh D and Jack occupied so that they wouldn't try to throw Ginger out of the bus. So far, they'd only had one near miss, when Ginger decided she needed food and Punk was distracted by the cup of Pepsi he was drinking. HB dug the phone out and frowned at the caller ID. "It's Maggie," he said to Annabelle.

"Who's Maggie?" Miz asked.

"Our manager," Annabelle said.

"Maggie?" HB said into the phone. "What's going on?" His brow furrowed as he listened to an obviously male voice on the other end. "That's terrible! Do they know what caused it? Uh huh. Oh. Okay, sure. I'll let everyone know. Thanks, Maggie."

"Maggie's a man?" Miz asked.

"Long story," Annabelle said. "What did he say, HB?"

"The concert in Dallas is cancelled," HB said. "Some kind of flu outbreak or something. We're supposed to go ahead to Portland as soon as we get to the airport."

"That's too bad," Annabelle said. Then she turned to Miz. "But I guess it's good news for you guys, right? The sooner we get to Portland, the sooner you guys will be able to get to the bottom of things."

"I suppose so," Miz said. "But I'm not looking forward to a plane ride and then a three plus hour drive to Seattle with these guys."

"Yes, but after that, maybe it'll be all over," Punk said, from where he was staring at the last two cans of Pepsi sullenly.

"We can hope," Miz agreed.

"I'm a stingray!" Mark said. "Zap! Zapzap!"

"Ow! Matt shrieked. "The stingray pinched me!"

"I don't pinch, I bite! Zap!"

Punk rolled his eyes and continued to contemplate the Pepsi. "Are you all right?" Teh D asked him.

"I will be, I suppose," said Punk with a sigh. "But I've just had a very sobering heart to heart with my dad."

"Sobering?" the girl asked, frowning. "You don't need anything sobering; you're straightedge, which means you're always sober!"

"I don't mean like that," Punk said. "I mean that Dad told me that I may have a crisis of faith once we reach Seattle."

"Well, if you know about it, doesn't that make it easier to fight?" Jack asked.

"You would think so, but no. Having my Father tell me that I may stop believing in myself once we reach Seattle has me wondering: if I don't believe in myself, who will?"

"I will!" Teh D said.

"He had to ask," HB muttered.

"Okay, besides Pepsi Girl, who will believe in me?"

"He remembers me!" said Teh D happily.

"He called you Pepsi Girl," Christian said.

"Yeah, but that's so what I'm changing my name to, as soon as I can." She beamed at Christian. "I mean, if he's Jesus and he says that's my name, then that's what it should be, right?"

"Everyone here is crazy," Christian muttered to Randy. "Except you and me, JJ." Randy smirked and bit Christian. "Ow! What the hell?"

"I'm over here, Rey," JJ said. "You're sitting by Beth again."

"Why won't any of you stop me from sitting next to the guy that bites people?" Christian whined. "I'm going to get infected!"

"Don't worry," said Teh D brightly. "We have Pepsi!"

"Oh," Christian moaned. "He's converted the band!"

"Just Teh D," said Jack, "and it's hardly a conversion, since she thought Punk walked on water before this, too."

"He does!" Teh D said. "I have a record of it in notebook six! No, wait, maybe it was notebook two? Well, it was one of those, anyway."

"You can't cure the venom," said Randy darkly. "You'll die a slow, horrible death, and everyone that touches your corpse will be infected."

"So you're a carrier of the zombie virus?" HB said. "Interesting."

"He doesn't have the zombie virus, or any venom," Miz said. "Randy, quit biting people. You know it's not allowed."

Randy grumbled and settled back in his seat. "It's no fun when there's no one to bite."

"Maybe you should figure out something fun to do that doesn't involve biting people," Miz suggested. "Like take up gambling or something."

Randy smirked. "Drew!"

Matt froze and Miz groaned. "Not what I said, Randy!"

"Drew?" Randy tried again, and he smiled when Matt gave him a cold look. "Matthew?"

"What?" snapped Matt.

"Miz won't let me bite anyone. What do you suggest?"

Slowly, Matt smiled. "A slow and horrible death for everyone."

"Huh." Randy frowned. "Can I bite them first?"

"Fine," Matt said. "But then we kill them."

"Uh," HB said, edging away from Randy and Matt. "Should I be concerned?"

"No, it's fine," Miz said. "Just offer him some gum and he'll be fine."

"Gum!" Matt shrieked, causing HB to wince.

"I don't have any gum," he said apologetically.

"You promised me gum!" Matt said, bursting into tears.

"We may have a problem, then," Miz said. "Because no way am I flying anywhere without gum. It's going to be too hard to keep Jeff under control as it is, but without gum..."

"Gum!" Matt sobbed. "I w-want gum!"

"Okay, okay!" HB said, holding up his hands in surrender. "I'll buy him some gum. But you could have warned me before saying gum to him."

"It's still a thousand times better than letting him stay Matthew," Miz said. "Unless you want a psycho on your plane?"

HB eyed Teh D, who was trying to push Ginger out of the moving vehicle. He sighed. "No thanks. I've already got too many as it is."


	86. Miz Crashes

A/N: I apologize for how long it's been since I updated this story. I've been working insane hours and haven't felt like doing much of anything in the last several months. It's probably not going to get better until June or July, but maybe posting this will motivate me to finish it up. Anyway, happy reading!

A/N: I don't own the wrestlers! I do own Pixie and Betsy. As always, it's meant in fun.

The Mizard Of Odd

Chapter 86: Miz Crashes

The plane was sleek and beautiful. The band had roadies loading their equipment and luggage into the cargo hold, so they were free to show Miz and the others around. "This is where I sit," Teh D told Punk. "And this is where I push Ginger out."

"Mm," Punk said thoughtfully. "And where do you keep the Pepsi?"

"Right here!" she said, showing him a full cooler of Pepsi.

Matt chewed happily on the wad of gum in his mouth, Betsy's cup of blue water squeezed tightly in his arms. "Betsy says that he doesn't like airplanes, because airplanes can make fishes like him 'splode. I don't want him to 'splode."

"He'll be fine," Punk said. "Dad told me so."

"Besides," Christian added, stumbling to a seat so that he could address a large cooler that was topped by a half eaten sandwich, "fish don't explode. They're too cool for that." He attempted to ruffle Matt's hair affectionately, and managed to knock the sandwich over. "Ew, why is your hair so... weird feeling?"

"My lunch!" cried one of the flight crew, his eyes darting to Christian. "What have you done, you monster?"

"Monster?" Christian said to the light above him. "Me? How dare you! You were the one planning on eating poor Matt!"

"I'm Jeff!" Matt shrieked, causing everyone to wince. "And you can't eat me because Miz said so!"

Miz blinked. "I did?"

"Yes!" Matt said. "And Betsy will eat you first, so there!"

"My poor sandwich," the man moaned.

Orton quietly stalked the man with the sandwich, a creepy smile on his face as he muttered something about venom and viper bites. "Do you think you can get them under control?" Jeff asked Miz.

"I don't know," Miz said. "I'm not sure I have enough gum to go around."

"Forget the gum," Jeff muttered. "What we need is some serious tranquilizers." He followed his brother's movements as the older man tried to parachute out of the grounded plane, after placing Betsy's cup precariously in a cup holder. "A lot of them."

"Punk would tell you that was wrong," Miz said.

"I'm not saying it's right; I'm saying it's what we need. Today is going to be a very long day. I'd like to get through it without killing someone or being sued." Just then, Orton bit the man with the sandwich. The crew member howled, throwing his food halfway across the plane, where it smacked Mark in the face.

Miz frowned. "I see your point," he said.

%^%

They hadn't been in the air more than twenty minutes when Miz realized he felt sick. He eyed the juice he'd accepted earlier, when Mark had been a flight attendant. The others were quiet, most of them asleep, aside from Mark, who was making a humming noise. "What are you doing?" Miz asked, trying to distract himself from the nausea.

"I'm an airplane!" Mark said happily. "Brrrrr! Vroom!"

"Oh," Miz muttered, closing his eyes. He hated flying under the best of circumstances, but with the stress level so high, this was nowhere near the best of circumstances.

"Do you have a minute, Miz?" HB asked, sliding into the seat beside the Awesome one.

Miz tried not to think about how far he was from the bathroom. "Yes." He swallowed down as much of the sick feeling as he could and tilted his head slightly, so he could take in the worried visage of Jypize4!'s guitarist. "What's the matter?"

"Teh D is being awfully quiet."

"She's asleep."

"That's what she wants you to think. I think she's secretly plotting another way to kill Ginger."

"Why don't you just fire one of them?"

"We've tried," HB said. "Neither of them will go away. Besides, we have a song that requires two drummers…"

"No song needs two drummers," Miz said. He closed his eyes again. "Not really."

"Well, we can play it with one, but it sounds so much cooler with two." He paused. "Hey, are you okay? You look kind of green."

"I'm not turning into the Hulk, if that's what you think!"

"I… wasn't," HB said. "But now I kind of am."

Miz sighed. "That sounds like something Matt would do. Not me."

"Whatever. Anyway," HB said. "Can you keep an eye on Teh D for a bit? I don't like how quiet things are, and I really need to go talk to the pilot about something."

Miz offered a halfhearted shrug. "Sure."

"Thanks. I owe you one." He felt HB move out of the seat and away. Miz sighed in relief. At least if he had to be sick, he wouldn't accidentally do it on Christian's friend.

"We're crashing!" Mark shrieked. "RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOWWWWWWWWRRR RRRR!"

Christian screamed and stood, bashing his head on the low ceiling and falling halfway into JJ's lap. "I'm too pretty to die!"

"What the hell, Rey?" JJ asked, leaping sideways into the aisle and bumping Miz, who felt like his whole world tilted on its axis.

"Save me!" Christian cried.

"We're not dying!" Annabelle said, annoyed. "Miz, do you think you could talk to your friends?" She paused. "Miz? Miz!"

He could feel her shaking him, and his stomach gave a lurch. "Don't," he said weakly, batting at her.

"Is he okay?" Jeff asked, coming up the aisle behind Annabelle. "What happened?"

"I don't know," the singer confessed. "One minute he seems fine, and the next…"

But Miz never did hear what Annabelle was saying, because his body chose that moment to slide into a deep, boneless sleep.


End file.
